By defeating the New England Patriots 21-17 last night in Indianapolis, the New York Giants are the Super Bowl XLVI Champions. *holds for applause* Chances are you watched the game and know that it started off boring, then got really exciting, had some old lady flopping around and later ended with Giants quarterback Eli Manning leading what has become his trademark in a 4th quarter comeback. Manning earned his second Super Bowl MVP and he should headline an offseason of stories not limited to but including:

• Is Eli better than his brother Peyton Manning now? And many lazy people will say yes because he has two Super Bowl rings.
• Is the era of Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and the Patriots over? And the answer is no, because Tom Brady is still a badass.
• Has Gisele Bundchen’s god forsaken her? Probably.
• Where is Peyton going to play? Will he end up in Miami? Washington? With the New York Jets? The Toronto Argonauts? And the answer is Miami. It has to happen. I sacrificed way too many virgins to the gods this weekend.

And there will be other news and notes, but they’ll all irresponsibly gloss over the fact that on Saturday, Kate Upton, Chrissy Teigen, Erin Andrews and some other people who claim to be famous played in the sixth annual Celebrity Beach Bowl, and while nobody tried desperately to tear Upton’s shorts off like Tom Arnold did with Marisa Miller last year, she still managed to steal our hearts once again.

Also, Brooklyn Decker was at the GQ/Lacoste Super Bowl party with some guy who plays ping pong or something, so I included them so they don’t feel left out and cry. I’m a sweetheart.

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That guy gets it.

Things started off well for Andy Roddick at the Australian Open, as he won his first round match over the Netherlands’ Robin Haase 6-3, 6-4, 6-1. But then America’s most decent men’s tennis player and best guy who married up got a little greedy. Roddick was pulling double duty at the Open, teaming up with Serena Williams for today’s mixed doubles action, and the pressure was just too much for his already injured hamstring.

Yesterday, Roddick retired during the third set of his match against Lleyton Love Hewitt, and thus ends our time with Roddick’s wife, Brooklyn Decker. Blah blah blah, Roddick was upset or something.

“It’s frustrating; it’s discouraging,” Roddick said after the match. “You know, your sensible mind says to have a sense of perspective. You still have it pretty good.

“The competitor in you feels terrible and wants to break stuff.”

(Via the New York Times)

You want to break stuff? The only joy of my Monday mornings after a tennis tournament is looking for pictures of Decker. Now I got nothing, except for that banner pic and some random pictures of her modeling different weird hats earlier this week in Australia. Even worse, I was all set to use my favorite GIF come Monday…

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And now, the worst thing Andy Roddick has done to white people since bagging Mandy Moore.

Allow him to introduce himself, his name is Roddick. Pronounced with an -umpty. This is him doing music’s equivalent of getting busy in a Burger King bathroom, rapping a personalized version of Digital Underground’s untouchable classic “The Humpty Dance” with Bobby Bones of Austin’s The Bobby Bones Show. A few truths: 1) This should not be happening, 2) This is happening at the Bobby Bones Tacky Sweater Party, which sorta cements the fact that Bobby Bones is the Weenie And The Butt of Austin radio (or Crazy Ira And The Douche, if you prefer that reference) and 3) If Andy Roddick was cool he’d be dancing around with Deb from the Morning X. If I was cool I would be doing the same thing.

Anyway, yeah. In a 69 Andy Roddick’s nose will tickle your rear. I can’t “fault” him for trying. Tennis jokes.

[via Busted Racquet]

Andy Roddick has taken some time out from being America’s death rattle of men’s tennis success to openly voice his opinion on some matters that are near and dear to his heart. For starters, when you’re a guy who isn’t as good as people once expected you to be, you’re going to often be aggravated and wish to vent your frustration how you see fit. Roddick’s solution is that he thinks that tennis players should be allowed to behave like professional wrestlers and just break anything they want. In theory, he’s right. A throwback to John McEnroe would be great.

But there’s a better solution out there – it’s called not sucking. But look at me being all critical. That’s another thing that Roddick hates. In an interview with ESPN’s Chris Fowler, Roddick talked about his future as an analyst.

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In case you don’t feel like staying up late at night to watch the Australian Open (which I have no problem doing), some crappy history was made by America this year. Andy Roddick couldn’t win a set against Stanislas Wawrinka (I’m not going to pretend to know who that is or how to pronounce it), as he lost 6-3 6-4 6-4. It’s the first time there hasn’t been an American in the quarterfinals since 1987, and also, for the first time, there is an all-Swiss quarterfinals with Roger Federer and Wawrinka (edit: I’m stupid. See comments.). Psh, who cares about Switzerland anyway?
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I’ve bitched and moaned about Andy Roddick in the past, even though he’s never really done anything wrong, like committed violent crime or shamed me into recycling. But here’s Andy trying to be all serious when there’s some perfectly good koala sex happening in the background. Now, I’m no expert on koalas, but I know sex in a tree when I see it. No, not from experience. I had a roommate that used to draw Ewok porn. –Best Week Ever, via Ufford.