This is Andy Roddick’s on-court interview after his final career match, and it’s moving, except for the part where he’s sad about anything ever. His speech should’ve been, “okay, tennis is over, BYEEEE” and him running off the court with his shorts around his ankles. (via OnTheGoTennis)

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Links

Treat Yo Self To This Hilarious, Bawdy ‘Parks And Recreation’ Season 4 Gag Reel While It Lasts |UPROXX|

The 10 Toughest ‘Annie Vs. Britta’ Dilemmas On TV |Warming Glow|

Buffalo TV station apologizes for using Seal picture to report Michael Clarke Duncan’s death |Film Drunk|

Stand-Up Throwback: George Carlin Handled This Lance Armstrong Mess Years Ago |With Leather|

Forbes Issues Their Weekly Rich Rapper Report |Smoking Section|

>Cowboys-Giants Season Opener Live Blog |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Check Out These Jagaloons: Step Brothers Art Show At Gallery 1988 |UPROXX|

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Now that the NFL and NCAA football are back in action (BACKTION!) we understand that sports can get a little confusing, so we’re bringing back this old running feature in which we help you decide what to watch each night. This way, you won’t miss anything important, whether it be an incredibly tight and exciting American League East race or an incredibly tight and exciting Oregon Ducks cheerleader.

Dallas Cowboys at New York Giants – 8:30 PM ET on NBC

The NFL comes to us one night earlier than usual – thanks, Obama – as one of the league’s fiercest rivalries takes the main stage. Can Eli Manning and the defending Super Bowl Champion Giants keep momentum in their favor with a win over Tony Romo and the Cowboys’ banged up receivers? Probably. But you can discuss the game in style with our cooler cousin Christmas Ape over at the KSK Live Blog, which is undergoing a sexy makeover this season.

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Between the arrest of former University of Nebraska womens basketball player Charlie Rogers and the sexual misconduct accusations at the Paralympics, I think we could all use some happy news right now. Plus, I have my first fantasy football draft tonight so my attention is beginning its descent into Don’t Give A Crapsville’s private airport. Fortunately, in my morning web browsing, I came across the perfect site for all of us.

“F*ck Yeah Celebs Holding Koalas” doesn’t need much of a background, as it’s basically a Tumblr site dedicated to famous people holding my favorite animal (aside from my dog, natch) – the koala bear. Mostly, the site features members of bands that teenage girls love, but I checked and Simple Plan unfortunately never recorded a rad pop punk song about hanging with a koala before missing you, girl.

In between Family Force 5 and the dude from Tokio Hotel who has probably confused a ton of teenage boys, though, are some of our favorite pro wrestlers, a tennis star, and women we enjoy looking at. But mostly, koalas.

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What, no patriotic bikini? Prude.

As I woke from my required 2 hours of social vampire sleep this morning, there was a strange thing on my television – live tennis. “At 7 a.m.?” I thought as I held a mirror under the hooker’s nose to make sure she was still breathing. Then I realized that in all my anticipation for the NBA Draft, I forgot that Wimbledon is going on. And wouldn’t you know it? There’s been some excitement already.

For starters, tennis dreamboat Rafael Nadal was upset by the 100th-ranked player in the world, Lukas Rosol, yesterday in 5 sets. Responded women everywhere, “Oh well, let’s go see Magic Mike.*” But the even bigger surprise, as I checked images this morning, is that Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker is still there. That’s strange, considering her husband, Andy Roddick has usually lost by now.

But sure enough, Roddick has won his first two matches and he will play 7th-ranked David Ferrer next. A win would bring him one step closer to ending America’s 9-year drought of men’s tennis major titles, which would be amazing. It would also keep Decker around for a few more days. What do you think about that, Brooklyn?

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Forget Brooklyn Decker, we got PAM SHRIVER in the house. (via It’s Always Sunny In Detroit)

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- Follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and Burnsy @MayorBurnsy
- Like us on Facebook.

Links

The Supreme Court Health Care Ruling Explained Using GIFs from ‘The O.C.’ |Warming Glow|

Here Are 20 Girls Who Remarkably Look Kind Of Cute While Also Looking Like Skrillex |UPROXX|

Louis C.K.’s Guide to Parenting |Warming Glow|

Tommy Davidson Q & A post-mortem |Film Drunk|

This Star Wars Gotye Parody Is The Best Star Wars Gotye Parody |Gamma Squad|

Today’s Time-Waster: Todrick Hall’s “Beauty And The Beast” Spoof Is All Kinds Of Awesome |Smoking Section|

The Miami Heat Porn Stars Are Women Of Their Words, But They Have Rules |With Leather|

MegaUpload Kicks FBI In The Teeth In Major Ruling |UPROXX|

Well Done, CNN. Well Done. |UPROXX|

A$AP Rocky “Ridin’” x Lana Del Rey “National Anthem” Video |Smoking Section|

Sandler’s That’s My Boy now officially a work o’ Fart |Film Drunk|

The Kids At The Spencer Hawes Basketball Camp Are Getting Ripped Off |With Leather|

“Brave” and Homosexuality: 5 Reasons The Argument Is Asinine |Gamma Squad|

Magic Gob: 12 Memorable TV Scenes Involving Stripping |Warming Glow|

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By defeating the New England Patriots 21-17 last night in Indianapolis, the New York Giants are the Super Bowl XLVI Champions. *holds for applause* Chances are you watched the game and know that it started off boring, then got really exciting, had some old lady flopping around and later ended with Giants quarterback Eli Manning leading what has become his trademark in a 4th quarter comeback. Manning earned his second Super Bowl MVP and he should headline an offseason of stories not limited to but including:

• Is Eli better than his brother Peyton Manning now? And many lazy people will say yes because he has two Super Bowl rings.
• Is the era of Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and the Patriots over? And the answer is no, because Tom Brady is still a badass.
• Has Gisele Bundchen’s god forsaken her? Probably.
• Where is Peyton going to play? Will he end up in Miami? Washington? With the New York Jets? The Toronto Argonauts? And the answer is Miami. It has to happen. I sacrificed way too many virgins to the gods this weekend.

And there will be other news and notes, but they’ll all irresponsibly gloss over the fact that on Saturday, Kate Upton, Chrissy Teigen, Erin Andrews and some other people who claim to be famous played in the sixth annual Celebrity Beach Bowl, and while nobody tried desperately to tear Upton’s shorts off like Tom Arnold did with Marisa Miller last year, she still managed to steal our hearts once again.

Also, Brooklyn Decker was at the GQ/Lacoste Super Bowl party with some guy who plays ping pong or something, so I included them so they don’t feel left out and cry. I’m a sweetheart.

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