After last week’s inaugural “Suck for Luck” Power(less) Rankings, Matt from Warming Glow was upset that I didn’t include a Seattle Seahawks logo on the banner image, and I thought that I should explain the exclusion since he can beat me up. You see, as I’ve stated previously, this is by no means a scientific method. In fact, it’s pretty simple to point out that the Miami Dolphins and Indianapolis Colts are going to be sucktastic on legendary levels this season and the Green Bay Packers are going to be really good.

But it takes a lot of extra thought to sort through those teams that are teetering on the edge of “holy sh*t they’re awful” and “it sucks that they’re going to win a few games.” Obviously, Seattle is not a good team, so the Seahawks very well could end up making Andrew Luck their No. 1 pick next year. The problem is, though, that they play in the NFC West and are bound to win 4 or 5 games just because of the terrible competition, as we witnessed yesterday.

So I offer my apologies to anyone who felt slighted about their sorry ass team’s ranking, but if these rankings offer us anything, it’s the blinding reality that the Dolphins will somehow screw themselves.

On to the suck!

Read the rest of this entry »

There’s simply too much going on after two weeks of NFL action to limit my thoughts to just a few things, especially since I watch every single game with the focus of a drunken toddler. And since I’m also a self-loathing Miami Dolphins fan, I’m quickly turning my attention more to next year’s ultimate prize – screw the Super Bowl – Andrew Luck.

So welcome to the first installment of the “Suck for Luck” Power(less) Rankings, where we’ll be monitoring the crappier teams and their hopeless freefalls toward the No. 1 draft pick in the 2012 NFL Draft. A few notes before we begin:

1) The rankings in no way indicate actual draft orders, as they’re just my week-to-week opinions. They also do not represent teams that necessarily need a QB, so don’t argue that certain teams wouldn’t draft Luck. Even if a team with a QB winds up with that top pick, they’ll still trade it for a desperate team’s entire draft.

B) Please remember that all power rankings are just, in fact, opinion and in no way represent actual standings or any kind of impact on the actual game.

III) This is mostly just a way for us fans of lousy teams to fend off sports depression and suicide threats. Damn you, 7-day waiting periods.

Now on with the fun…

Read the rest of this entry »

Jimmy Clausen has been one of the worst quarterbacks in the NFL this season, and that’s not hyperbole. Look at this. He really is terrible at just about everything. Two touchdowns and eight interceptions. At this point, just rename the Panthers to the Carolina SMHs. Excuse me, let me pick up that Internet lingo I dropped down.

Some dude named Steve Reed at Carolina Growl did a comparison Stanford QB Andrew Luck, most certainly the No. 1 draft pick this year, to Clausen. As a sidenote, Luck hasn’t declared for the draft yet, as he isn’t sure if he wants to deal with the pros in a year where there might not even be football.

Let’s look at my favorite categories he compared:

What they say about him
Luck: CBS Sports draft analyst Rob Rang called Luck the best prospect he’s ever scouted.
Clausen: Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith said of Clausen, “He has a lot to learn (about being an NFL quarterback). He’s not at Notre Dame anymore.”

Education
Luck: Is getting a degree in architectural design and has a 3.5 GPA at Stanford.
Clausen: Graduated from Notre Dame in May with a bachelor of arts degree in sociology.

Here’s a last category I created:

Is Jimmy Clausen
Luck: No
Clausen: Yes

To sum it up, everyone loves Luck, and Clausen’s own teammates think he sucks. Also, Luck is really smart, and Clausen got a degree in sociology. Bachelor of arts? More like bachelor of FARTS! Seriously, this is the quality cut of comedy you get from me.

I know you’re supposed to give time for young quarterbacks to develop, but there’s a difference between having some things to smooth out and just being downright awful. Clausen was never projected to be a stellar quarterback and was never really that impressive in college anyway, in his stats or in his leadership. Should Luck declare, there’s no way he doesn’t get picked first. Clausen can find a great career in the form of a UFL jersey. If Luck doesn’t declare? Kyle Orton, you’re our winner tonight! Come on down!

The list of Heisman Trophy finalists has finally been released and, just as expected, it is going to blow your minds with the most controversial picks in the history of college football!!! Just kidding, it’s the same guys that we’ve expected for most of the season. Along with frontrunners Cam Newton of Auburn and LaMichael James of Oregon are Stanford’s Andrew Luck and Boise State’s Kellen Moore. Surprisingly, I don’t see Jacory Harris mentioned anywhere in this list, even though my Miami friends swore it was all him this season. Very odd.

Newton and James will meet up for the Heisman ceremony this Saturday, about one month before they meet for the National Championship game in Tempe, Arizona. Meanwhile, Luck’s Stanford team will take on Virginia Tech in the Orange Bowl and Moore’s Broncos will play Utah in the MAACO Bowl in Las Vegas. And everyone will live happily ever after, because there has been absolutely no controversy over this Heisman race, has there Huffington Post?

Read the rest of this entry »