After I woke up this morning and did a few thousand pushups, I checked my email to find two variations of this joke:

Andrew Luck and RG3 walk into a bar… to watch Russell Wilson play the Atlanta Falcons in the Divisional Round of the playoffs.

The other variation involved the Pope and Raquel Welch in a dhingy, but that’s irrelevant. The point is that people are enjoying the fact that the Indianapolis Colts, who famously Sucked for Luck, and the Washington Redskins, who mortgaged their draft future for Robert Griffin III, are out of the playoffs and the Seattle Seahawks, who took a chance on Russell Wilson in the 3rd round, are still alive. Because it’s not like 2/3 of NFL fans wouldn’t at least consider chopping a finger off to have Luck or RG3 as a QB right now.

Even stranger, though, is that so many fans – or perhaps “anti-Redskins” is more appropriate – rejoiced in RG3’s knee injury last night. Again, maybe it was just the fact that it meant that the Redskins were screwed, but there have been very few athletes over the years who I could have imagined feeling jubilation over their pain. Especially not someone as likable as RG3. But here we are, the morning after, stepping over the lifeless bodies of the men and women who overdosed on joy at another’s expense.

Of course, that means there were memes galore last night, what with this Internet being such a horrible place and all. But if they mocked Derrick Rose and Manny Pacquiao, you could be sure that the RG3 mockery was coming.

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As I’ve mentioned in the past, much to your undoubted excitement, I spend way too much time on Twitter and Tumblr all for the purpose of entertaining you. I mean, if I don’t scour the Internet for GIFs of Brooklyn Decker and Kate Upton, then who will? Sure, I could be rewarded with a Pulitzer one day, but I’ll settle for a Peabody.

In between the GIFs and the jugs, though, I stumble across random sites that simply make me giggle. Today’s chuckle maker comes courtesy of the Tumblr page, The National Foodball League, which combines three of my favorite things – football, puns, and food. If I can appeal to Will Riggins, the artist behind these delightful food (and other) images, I would one day like to see Ryan Bananahill, Veggie Bush, and Flan Carpenter.

I’d make them myself, but I’m fat and it won’t end well.

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An an episode from last year’s third season of ‘Parks And Recreation’ (the best show on TV, if you aren’t into making gifs), Leslie Knope is told that she’s organized Pawnee’s upcoming Harvest Festival on the site of an ancient Wamapoke Indian burial ground, and that unless she moves it, the festival will be cursed. Wamapoke tribe leader John Redcorn Ken Hotate goes on local TV show Ya Heard? With Perd! to spread the news of the curse and brings an animated video in the style of Next Media Animation’s batsh*t insane Taiwanese news recaps to illustrate his point.

Fast forward to two days ago when Parks And Rec star Rob Lowe (of all the people in the world) broke the story of Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning’s impending retirement, citing “pretty darn good sources”. The story might not be true, but a butterfly flapped its wings on Twitter and caused a tidal wave to hit Taiwan, and now the goofy animation news team parodied on Parks And Recreation are making a goofy animated news piece about someone Parks And Recreation reporting news.

Hold on, my Internet is broken.

Taiwan’s attempt to rationalize the Indianapolis Colts’ futility with horse punching and lightning bolts is below.

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Well, the time comes when the lights need to be turned on and the party must end. We had a good run of 10 weeks, as we watched the league’s worst teams flop around like wounded ducks as a few of them tried to convince us they weren’t losing on purpose for the 2012 NFL Draft’s top prize – Stanford QB Andrew Luck. Unfortunately, our party is pretty much over and we can stick a fork in this Suck for Luck campaign. Barring a miracle – and by that I mean the sudden desire to win – the Indianapolis Colts will have the first pick in the next draft.

And that’s fine, because that’s what their fans and ownership openly pined for to very little criticism. Apparently the Colts are allowed to lose on purpose, so let’s all tip our caps to the eventual team that will make Luck the No. 1 pick. In the meantime, we’ll take one last rundown of the power(less) rankings – and don’t worry, we’ll still review each game in our own fun way in the coming weeks – while I try to decide if I want the Miami Dolphins Whiffin’ for Robert Griffin III or Playing Lames for LaMichael James. Maybe Losing Whack, Son for Justin Blackmon?

Decisions, decisions.

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"Sometimes a mommy and a daddy just don't love each other anymore, Painty."

With news that Peyton Manning’s neck is simply not healing as expected, it has become clearer than ever that the Indianapolis Colts may be without their legendary franchise quarterback for longer than just this season. We’re talking forever (forever ever). That’s why it’s disheartening to see Colts fans (like the fellas from last week’s banner image) enjoying this whole “Suck for Luck” idea so much. It’s not like Manning suited up for Week 1 and said, “Screw this” and closed a car door on his neck. And it’s not like he’s holding the franchise hostage either.

When Manning originally signed his 4-year extension, it was reported that he was essentially receiving $99 million in guaranteed cash. Of course, that also meant that he had to stay healthy to get that money. You see, that sly hick actually included a clause in his contract that lets the Colts off the hook if he’s unable to play. That’s pretty classy. Not like, you know, crossing Manning’s name out on your replica jersey and writing Luck over it.

But then, that’s the biggest problem I have with this whole thing. Colts fans are allowed to openly cheer for their team to lose because they need to replace Manning. Dolphins fans, though, are jerks and assh*les because they want a shot at their first franchise QB since Dan Marino. Oh well, that all took a step towards moot this week anyway.

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Sadly, not photoshopped.

Suck for Luck. It’s a pretty simple phrase, right? I mean, it shouldn’t take a team of rocket scientists to comprehend that Stanford QB Andrew Luck is the top QB prospect in college football right now and his name rhymes with suck. Therefore, “Suck for Luck” isn’t exactly unique and I certainly don’t take credit for coming up with the phrase, and this certainly isn’t the only site that posts a “Suck for Luck” power ranking each week. (We’ve just been posting this one longer than the others, so thanks for that.)

I bring this up because I read a humorous argument on the Twitters last week between people taking credit for the “Suck for Luck” campaign, with one person going as far as to claim he came up with it when Luck was a freshman. I won’t point any fingers because this is frivolous and these people don’t deserve the attention, but I just wanted to take a moment to remind people that fans of the Indianapolis Colts and the Miami Dolphins actually have a reason to remain involved with their seasons, no matter what Dwight Freeney and Karlos Dansby think about it.

Let’s not ruin that by being douchebags about taking credit for something that a 5-year old could have created. If we can all agree on that, let’s get on with this week’s suck.

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