I only used the above image of Los Angeles Lakers forward Ron Artest showing off his new jersey because I still can’t believe that a grown man changed his name to Metta World Peace. But hey, he’s the millionaire and if I ever gain similar wealth, I already know that I’ll change my name to Poops Stinkerson and wear only diapers when I go out drinking. That’s the American dream, right?

As for Artest’s team, well the Lakers aren’t showing off the other new jerseys they thought they’d have by now. And they want everyone to know that they won’t be pushed around by these small market bullies anymore either. Not only did the Lakers pull out of their three-way trade with New Orleans and Houston, but now they’re telling teams that they’re not going to give up all of their average players just to get their measly superstars in return.

… and believe they can acquire a new third big man to play behind Andrew Bynum and Pau Gasol. That is the challenge for Mitch Kupchak and Jim Buss on the front-burner, while still simmering is their desire to have Dwight Howard from Orlando.

I’m told the Lakers will not be trading Bynum and Gasol for Howard.

(Via The OC Register)

I’m actually impressed by this fakery, or at least my wacky perception of it. Ideally, the Lakers know that Dwight Howard and Chris Paul want out of their current sucky teams and Podunk cities. They know that these mega stars want to play in L.A. So why the hell should they even flinch when Orlando suddenly says, “Well we decided that we’ll trade him, but we want the guy you’re about to trade to Houston”?

This is why the Lakers will always win. It sucks and it’s unfair, and maybe I live in a fantasy world in which I believe that one day stars will be loyal, but at least now I’m accepting it. In the meantime, Dwight Howard hilariously admitted that he wanted to be more involved with the Magic’s terrible player decisions over the last 5 years, and he will probably get his wish when he tells the Lakers, “F*ck ‘em, send Luke Walton.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Last night, it was like Twitter had a stroke. Tens of thousands of sports writers, bloggers, fans and general morons were going bananas over the reports that Chris Paul had been traded to the Los Angeles Lakers. The first report, which could have caused riots if true, described the trade as a straight-up deal between the Lakers – giving up Lamar Odom and Pau Gasol – and New Orleans Hornets for Chris Paul. Had that been true, David Stern and Hornets GM Dell Demps would probably be in hiding right now.

Then the correction came in – Andrew Bynum and Odom for Chris Paul. A little better, but still nonsense in the eyes of most middle market fans. That couldn’t be the best deal the Hornets could get, and thankfully it wasn’t. The final, actual deal came in – Paul to the Lakers, Gasol to the Houston Rockets, and Odom, Kevin Martin, Goran Dragic and Luis Scola to the Hornets. Even then, nobody was pleased, and it turns out the league owners were the least pleased of all, because they said, “F*ck a bunch of that” and within two hours this blockbuster was squashed.

Why, you ask? Well, it’s complicated.

Read the rest of this entry »

Like that scene with the awesome Regina Spektor song in 500 Days of Summer. Your expectations for the Morning Links: 12 links to galleries of Kate Upton, possibly with a Kate Upton video at the top. Okay, 11 links to galleries of Kate Upton and one about MMA. Reality: That lady can only do so much in a weekend, so you have to read about angry, heavyset soccer parents in Iowa and 11-foot tall Chinese guys.

Sports

Yao Ming: Expectations Vs. Reality - Outside of the Taiwanese Animation recap we haven’t said much about the retirement of Yao Ming, because “he was a nice guy who did pretty well at basketball” and “you guys don’t comment on posts featuring actual sports news” are hard to express in 350 words. [Smoking Section]

#Podcast: The Chris Kluwe Interview - @PUNTE continues his run of talking to real sports folks about real sports things by talking to the Minnesota Vikings punter. My New Year’s resolution now is “talk to somebody who plays for the Houston Texans, or at least knows somebody who does. Possibly one of the cheerleaders”. Who am I kidding, definitely one of the cheerleaders. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Hitpost Will Make You a Sports Reporter - So will getting an editor position at a popular sports blog because you made a funny webcomic, but don’t tell anybody. [Uproxx]

Olympics In The Deep South: A 15-Year Retrospective Of Atlanta’s Summer Games - 15 years later and about 10 after I found out, and I’m still jealous of Jon Bois for going to the Kurt Angle Olympics. He won a gold medal with a broken freakin’ neck! [SBN]

With Leather

The Chained Heat of Iowa Softball - If you didn’t read this because 1) it was Friday, 2) the story was a day old or 3) it is about preteen softball, you’re missing out on a great example of lookism and a video featuring Thora Birch and Christina Ricci before they were dragged onto the Hollywood F and D-teams, respectively. I miss you, Thora. Be in movies I don’t have to buy at Wal-mart to see. [With Leather]

The Great Foul Ball Debate - Last week’s best feature, still making me angry well into Monday and only slightly hurt by Burnsy not being able to recognize a developmentally-disabled guy. [With Leather]

Bynum’s Life is a Flagrant Foul - Parking across a crosswalk and a handicap spot is bad, but at least he didn’t forearm shiver any child-sized people in the parking lot. As recommended, I’m permanently associating the “Andrew Bynum” and “assholes” tags. [With Leather]

Tim Pawlenty Is The ‘Miracle On Land’ - Don’t care about politics or magical hockey stories? You should still read this, because I make the closest thing I’m ever going to make to a good political joke. Usually I just type “Obama? More like NO-bama! Keep ‘The Change’!” and stare at my monitor until my brain farts and convinces me that’s an okay thing to put on the Internet. Also, SMDH @ Tim Pawlenty. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Comic-Con Photo Diary: Part One - New professional goal: be cool/good enough that my bosses send me to places like Comic-Con to do things like photo diaries. Sure, I’m taking 200 pictures at the Round Rock Express game, but nobody’s paying me to do it. [Film Drunk]

Corgi Cosplay for Comic-Con - Keep your skinny girls trying to pass themselves off as hot by wearing dumb clothes, give me cute dogs. Arguable point: outside of Halloween and young adult mixers, only animals should be put in funny clothes for our amusement. [Warming Glow]

Super Fun “Where the Wild Things Are” Tattoos - I was going to make fun, but 1) Where the Wild Things Are (in book and movie form) is great and 2) I have a Charlotte’s Web tattoo, so who am I going to make fun of? [Gamma Squad]

Adult Swim’s Never-To-Be-Aired-On-TV “Black Dynamite” Pilot’s Online Premiere - In a better world, the Black Dynamite cartoon will get four season and be hilarious. Also in that world, cooler people appreciate “The Venture Bros.” and “Tom Goes to Mayor” never existed. [Adult Swim]

When L.A. Lakers center Andrew Bynum isn’t elbow striking the Dallas Mavericks in their armpits, he keeps it classy by parking his BMW in a crosswalk and across most of a handicap parking space. Cameras at the Bristol Farms Market in Playa del Rey captured footage of the parking job, and would only be sadder and more disappointing if you could see a guy with crutches lying in the background, desperately reaching out for the front door.

A report from LAist.com gives us the hilarious followup:

When questioned by NBC4, Byum reportedly slammed his car door and drove away without comment.

With an annual salary topping $14 million, the $353 ticket, should he be cited, certainly won’t break Bynum’s wallet. But it is now apparent that the 23-year-old basketball star requires a boost in maturity along with an image revamp.

It’s a terrible image and perception when something like this happens.

“It’s a terrible image and perception when something like this happens,” said DMV Deputy Chief Vito Scattaglia, after NBC4 showed him the pictures.

Apparently this scenario is becoming progressively common in L.A., as numerous businesspeople have been caught on videotape using disabled placards and spots.

So not only is this indicative of Entitled Sports Jerks, but of Los Angeles as a whole. I live in Austin, Texas, and the worst thing I have to deal with in a Whole Foods parking lot is people walking across the street diagonally as slowly as possible. I don’t see any D-League Austin Toros guys parking their 5 Series on the sidewalk and shoving down amputees to get to the quinoa. But seriously, dude, you’re seven feet tall. If you park 10 rows back it’s what, four steps and you’re there? Those spots are there for a reason, and a comedy blog shouldn’t have to explain why you’re a dick if you park in them.

Tonight is the Yom Kippur of the NBA season, because at 9 PM EST, the Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Lakers will play one last game to settle the NBA Championship. Boston in the Finals means one thing: insufferable douche bags. And it just wouldn’t be a Game 7 if the most insufferable of all douche bags didn’t put in his two cents. Gimmie what ya got, Dane Cook.

“I heard Phil Jackson said the Celtics are a team that loses in the fourth quarter. Well, the Lakers are gonna be a team that loses the championship.” –NBA Off Season

You really showed him, Dane. Please, go back to jumping around like a jackass instead of writing actual material. Speaking of jackasses, Laker fans refuse to let Bostonians one-up their douche-baggery. Various high-ranking LA government officials have already issued a statement to the Detroit LA ‘faithful’, who have been known to have a penchant for destruction. Read the rest of this entry »

"Good God, where did you eat? Arby's?"

If Family Fued were to do a survey on ‘Most Common Things Said During the NBA Playoffs,’ number one would be “one game at a time.” Apparently, Andrew Bynum wasn’t aware of this, because he’s already anticipating a Finals rematch with the Boston Celtics.

Man, it’s going to be amazing to play against those guys again. Especially having lost. We’re going to have a lot of fuel, a lot of ammo to throw at those guys. They’re definitely a great team. They’ve got great veterans on their squad. We know that. So we already are getting prepared. The first step is closing out Game 3. And after that we’ll be focusing on Boston, looking at them play, watching how they’re playing Orlando, and try and pick up as much as we can. –Orange County Register

Phil Jackson, zen master extrodinare, is less than amused. Bynum has totally harshed his mellow, bro. Read the rest of this entry »