Links

Fun Fun Fun Fest In Austin - I’m going to miss out on Public Enemy, Childish Gambino AND Anarchy Championship Wrestling because as a local I didn’t spend 200 dollars on tickets 8 months ago. Somebody at the fest wanna read this and toss me a couple of tickets? I’ll promote you on my … on my uh, sports blog. [FunFunFun Fest]

The 10 Best Ways For Artists To Build Their Brands At Music Festivals - I like using the word “brand” in situations like this, because it reminds me of that contact lens commercial. “MY BRAND!” [Smoking Section]

This Man Is Terrified of Puppies - I got into an argument with my girlfriend over whether this clip is funny or sad. She won, I guess, because I couldn’t come up with an point broader than “come on, really?” [Warming Glow]

Haley Joel Osment Looks… Healthy - At this point I feel like Emily Osment should just cut her hair super short and tell people she’s Haley Joel. She’ll get more street cred, and he’ll still look like a human being. [Film Drunk]

Parks & Meth: ‘Breaking Bad’ Hilariously Meets ‘Parks & Rec’ - I want to start a site for articles like this nobody would Tumble. Like, ‘Three’s Company Hilariously Meets St. Elsewhere’. Waste two hours making graphics and watch the four dissatisfied hits roll in. |UPROXX|

Hoverboards Are Real; Effing Sweet - We’re through the looking glass, people. [Gamma Squad]

LISTEN UP, MAGGOTS! I’M MAKING MY GRANDDAUGHTER A SWEATER! - More like R. Lee Navy, am I right [Film Drunk]

Mr. Belding Is Doing Pretty Well, Actually - I don’t care what you say, he was the best part of ‘Saved By The Bell’. That show would’ve just been ‘California Dreams’ without him. [Warming Glow]

10 Marvelous Money Faces - Linking this here because “Marvelous Money Face” was my favorite Dick Tracy villain. [Buzzfeed]

Finally, We Have The Question To Which There Is No Answer: What Is The Best Coldplay Song? - I don’t understand my own relationship with Coldplay. I don’t think they’re bad or musically untalented, but Jesus, there’s no band that gets me to change the radio station faster. [FARK]

Is ‘The Three Musketeers’ the Stupidest Movie Ever Made? (And 24 Other Urgent Questions) - …yet I’m sure everyone involved, including Paul W.S. stupid Anderson, will get to make whatever they want next year, and the year after that, and the year after that. [Moviefone]

Come Up with the Best Reverse 80′s Remake. Win a Pajiba T-Shirt - Remember, nobody made real movies in the 80s, it was always just Molly Ringwald with Depeche Mode playing in the background. [Pajiba]

Links

‘There is No Bigatory in Juggaloism’: Pictures & Quotes from American Juggalo - Juggalos should be a reminder to white people that they should 1) not smoke, 2) lead a healthy lifestyle, 3) not take advantage of poor women with no self-esteem. [Film Drunk]

Colbert Had Hipster Paramedics Standing By ‘In The Event Any Radiohead Heads Totally Lose Their Sh*t’ - There is a dangerous use of the word “hipster” in today’s Morning Links. Do hipsters like Radiohead? More importantly, do hipsters like things? [UPROXX]

5 Best Uses of Radiohead in Film - Sadly “that scene I wrote in my book so that I could use ‘Street Spirit’ in the movie adaptation” is not on the list. Scott Tenorman is still the best use of Radiohead in something, including Radiohead concerts. [Moviefone]

ACW Evolution Of The Revolutinon V - I missed Anarchy Championship Wrestling’s last show when I was in Los Angeles, but Dirty Dirty Sheets recaps it and makes me feel like I was there. Fans are being encouraged to wear HALLOWEEN COSTUMES to their next show, so if you live anywhere near central Texas, holy sh*t, be there. [Dirty Dirty Sheets]

WTF, Japan? - Japanese people reenact the opening scenes of the Pokémon game using bad costumes, bad editing and buckets of water. Charizard Guy is the saddest. [Gamma Squad]

God Smites Earth with Nancy Grace Nip Slip - Dowdy, thick middle-aged conservative nutcases #cangetit [Warming Glow]

Top 10 Pictures Of Justin Bieber Looking Like A Hipster Douche - Again, I don’t think Bieber looks like a hipster douche, I just think he looks like an idiot. He’s also the reason why every child dresses and acts like this now, so he’s not “hipster”, he’s totally and completely the social norm. [Buzzfeed]

‘Drive’ Set to Sh*tty Music - Funnier than it should be. The only thing it needs is a record scratch. [Film Drunk]

Irish Farmer Shocked by Rihanna’s Toplessness - I feel like Rihanna needs to spend more time with actual human beings. Like, take a year or two off, go work at a soup kitchen. And stop trying to finger yourself through your clothes. [FARK]

Is ‘The Playboy Club’ or ‘Pan Am’ More Accurate? - No. [AOL TV]

Ice Cream Shop Mascot Repeatedly Mistaken for KKK Member - I need to get a picture with this guy. I already have pictures with KKK members, it’s called my family photo album. [The Daily What]

How to Make Your Own Chewbacca Suit - 1) Kill as many dogs as possible, 2) lay down a sheet of glue, 3) roll around. [Unreality]

Links

Aubrey Plaza Is a Sexy Stroke Victim - The woman who plays April Ludgate had a stroke when she was 20. Unbelievable. I’m happy she’s okay, and even happier that we didn’t end up with Ellie Kemper (or whoever) doing some terrible exaggerated April for three years. [Warming Glow]

Frotcast 63: Matt Ufford Talks TV, Murder, & Hurricanes - Like most people, I could listen to Uff talk about whatever he wanted for as long as he wanted. And hurricane or no, Whole Foods is almost always a mad house. People are always stealing kombuchas that they didn’t order. [Film Drunk]

15 Exceptionally Haunting Movie Cinemagraphs - Cinemagraphs are really cool, but far too often are just people opening and closing their eyes. Regardless, his post really made me want to go watch The Shining again. [UPROXX]

Paz de la Huerta Is Good at Lingerie - Paz’s face is incredibly ugly to me most of the time, but her body is absolutely top shelf. Also, she will not stop trying to show it to me. [Warming Glow]

FIGHTS – Legends, Douchebags, and Pig Slop! - Bowie Ibarra reviews the most recent Anarchy Championship Wrestling show, and yes, just like last time this one features a cameo from yours truly. He calls Vanity Valentine “Velvet” Valentine, but honestly “Velvet Valentine” sounds way better. [Zombie Blood Fights]

Justice League of the Americas Will Make You Wish for a Western - It won’t if you’ve watched Justice League and seen the Jonah Hex episodes! But seriously, this guy loves drawing Liefeld crotch bulges. Just speed lines all over the front of pants. [Gamma Squad]

This Is The Parody Of A Porn Parody Of The Dark Knight Rises That Gotham Deserves - I want to be in charge of the porno parodies. “Okay team, make me a list of literally everything that gets made, we’re gonna go down the list one by one.” And porn fans are out there waiting for me to parody The Help, but I’m too busy working out a cohesive porno narrative for Marmaduke. Gamma Squad]

1988 George Lucas Calls 2011 George Lucas an “Egotistical Gangster” - What can you even say at this point? I have the DVDs with the original versions as special features, if he wants to make Yoda breakdance, let him. Just make the ones that aren’t total horsesh*t available to me somewhere. [Film Drunk]

15 Things That Prove God Hates the South - Number 16: “How every girl Brandon had a crush on growing up looks in 2011″. [Buzzfeed]

There Have Only Been 5 Successful Film-to-TV Series Adaptations - A debatable point (and he seems to be neglecting how great “The Real Ghostbusters” was, it had Garfield as Peter Venkman for Christ’s sakes) but fun to talk about. Also, Young Indiana Jones sucked a dick and was not successful. [Pajiba]

The 5 Most Depraved Sex Scenes Implied in Harry Potter - Hey, somebody should make a porno parody of Harry Potter and include all of these scenes! I’d watch Potter if folks were getting bukkake’d by centaurs. [FARK]

8 Adorable College Mascot Brawls - Best link of the day. [The Smoking Jacket]

Mila Kunis or Olivia Wilde: Who Won Summer? - One of them had CGI nipples and the other keeps trying to convince me she’s Just One Of The Guyz. Which one was in a good movie over the summer? I think they both lost. [Moviefone]

Sports

The Drew League Vs. Goodman League Game: Only The Highlights - I feel like sub-NBA basketball leagues (or “directly-to-the-right-of the NBA leagues”, I don’t really know how they’re organized) might be the most fun thing ever. It’s just guys dunking and people going OHHHHHHHH. It’s like how video games want basketball to be. [The Smoking Section]

Knockout Of The Week: Flying Switch Kick - The only way this could be better is if Marcus Lelo Aurelios had set his leg on fire before doing it. I want to start knocking out strangers like this. Just yell FLYING SWITCH KICK BOOM and lay them out. [Cage Potato]

Vegetarian Pig Slop And Heat Wave Rasslin - In case you missed it yesterday, here’s my recap of Anarchy Championship Wrestling’s Sunday show featuring the Portia Perez reference you didn’t get in the Best and Worst of Raw. If you like Best and Worst, read this, because it is almost exclusively “best”. [The Wrestling Blog]

This Is The Trailer For The Postmortal - Drew Magary is doing it right. I published a novel a few years ago and it was a weird little aside to growing up in religious central Virginia. Drew writes something and it’s a “frightening population-bomb dystopia”. Holy sh**, how do I get somebody to call my writing that? [KSK]

With Leather

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 8/22 - Quick version: John Cena might actually be gay, Kelly Kelly is wandering around out here for no reason and WWE is exactly like Dragonball Z. Okay, that version is actually way more confusing than the long one. Anyway, go read this and comment, would you? [With Spandex]

Gallery: The Homeless World Cup - I’m with Burnsy, the Homeless World Cup doesn’t look very homeless. I want to be homeless in Paris, that sounds awesome. Look at me, I’m a romanticized young white adult! [With Leather]

The Dugout: SFinal Destination - Yesterday we finished up Bill Hanstock’s special guest writer Dugout series about the San Francisco Giants and their penchant for going on the DL, so give the strip a re-read in its entirety. Yes, Jorge Posada’s screen name is pretty awesome. [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]

Gallery: Wet Cheerleaders - I’m just going to stop putting “Joe Namath” in the title so you’ll go look at it. There are wet volleyball cheerleader butts in this, in case you haven’t looked. [With Leather]

Not Sports

This Is A Triumph: Live-Action Portal Short Film - I’m making a note here: huge success. It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction. Although if this was a REAL Portal movie, Chell would be played by an orange, blonde 40-year old and GLaDOS would be a manipulative dude in a suit. [Gamma Squad]

Will And Jada Are Getting Divorced - When reached for comment, Will Smith asked “why she ain’t want me, man”. [Film Drunk]

Bret Michaels And Donald Trump May Team Up For Reality Show - It’s like going to your comic book store and finding out there’s a new Marvel Team-Up, but it’s like Cloak and Dagger and one of the New Warriors. And not even Nova, I’m talking Night Thrasher. [Warming Glow]

OK Go Cover “The Muppet Show” Theme - OK Go is a cool website that adds forgettable music to wacky viral videos. Wait, that’s not what this is? [UPROXX]

Sports

Vegetarian Pig Slop and Heat Wave Rasslin: ACW’s Distrust, Dismay and Antisocial Behavior ’11 Review - I spent my Sunday night watching the best independent wrestling in Texas, and if you hop over to TH’s wrestling blog (“The Wrestling Blog”) you can read a bit about it. AND see my wonderful, cheesing mark photo with one of my favorite wrestlers in the world. [The Wrestling Blog]

First Look: NBA 2K12 “Greatest Trailer” - Hooooooly. I am going to buy this game the moment it comes out and pretend it is the greatest imaginable upgrade to Bulls Vs. Blazers. I am going to UTEP Two Step these guys SO HARD. I hope Tom Chambers is in here somewhere. [The Smoking Section]

Topps All Star Rookies Vs. Donruss Rated Rookies: Who Won Out? - One of my professional goals is to have the a scale replica of the Topps All Star Rookie trophy somewhere in my home. Also, to have a Pac-Man table machine. [SBN]

TUF 14 Cast Announced For Team Bisping Vs. Team Mayhem - I hope “Mayhem’s snitchy sister” is on Team Bisping. [Cage Potato]

With Leather

Joe Namath Inspired Wet Cheerleader Gallery - Easily the best thing Joe Namath has done since advising Bart Simpson about vapor lock. I wish there was a way Ice Girls could get wet. Maybe raise the temperature in the arena when they’re dancing? [With Leather]

Pro Wrestler Drives Car into Tree, Gets Arrested, Loses Mind - Get excited for today’s Best and Worst of Raw with a story about what happens when you stop being in the WWE and have to start being a real person. Also, failing miserably at being a real person. Also, getting angel blood? What? [With Leather]

Jim Irsay Isn’t Funny And 9 Other Thoughts - Football is happening, and if you’re the type who likes football (that is almost all of you), get in here and share your thoughts with Burnsy. Real sports coverage needs as much play and as many comments as the fake. [With Leather]

The Dugout: SFinal Destination - M’nerd Bill Hanstock has done a great job with this, which started off as one Dugout and turned into a multi-part event. Part three is coming today, so catch up on parts one and two. Part two has a great new screen name for Carlos Beltran. [Part 1] [Part 2]

Not Sports

The Best Quotes from Modern Family’s Gloria Pritchett - Sofia Vergara deserves your attention for something besides her amazing breasts. She deserves your attention for those, too, just for other things as well. For her amazing breasts. [Warming Glow]

Meme Watch: Annoying Childhood Friend Will Probably Find You on Facebook, If He Hasn’t Already - “Always asks for food at your house/won’t let you eat any of his food at his house” is so amazingly on point. Being an only child meant every friend I had was this kid, and that’s why I’m such a terrible friend. [UPROXX]

Fallon Set to Host SNL - This is fine, but please, don’t do the Barry Gibb Talk Show. It was something you shouldn’t have done twice, and you’ve done it about forty times. Justin Timberlake saying “no I don’t” is not funny. DO NOT DO BARRY GIBB TALK SHOW. [AOL TV]

Geeky Dog Costumes Have Never Been Cuter - Part of me wants to say “stick to bumblebees and hot dogs, those costumes are cute enough already” but no, I would absolutely dress my dog like a Totoro. [Gamma Squad]

Trust me, I wanted to use that screen cap of her and McNulty from “The Wire”, but there are certain things I’m not allowed to do on this website. Uh, yet.

Sports

Terrell Owens Joins USA’s Necessary Roughness - I can’t wait to hear “NFL great Terrell Owens guest stars on an all new Necessary Roughness! USA, characters welcome!” between two Twix commercials during every single break on Monday Night Raw. [AOL TV]

Fantasy Football Goes Hollywood: The KSK Sex/Fantasy Mailbag - HONESTY: “I’m glad we’re exclusive, because you’re the only person I want to be with.” DISCLOSURE: “Now that we’re exclusive, here is a list detailing which of my friends have ejaculated in my mouth.” [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

MMA Movie Alert: Think The Karate Kid But With An Autistic Cage Fighter - Honestly, that’s sorta how I think about The Karate Kid already. Remember in the 80s when there were suddenly 15 movies about pro wrestling, and none of them got any better than No Holds Barred? Yep, that’s what we’re doing again. [Cage Potato]

Epic ACW Queen of Queens Tournament 2011 Pics By Bowie Ibarra - Included here for three reasons: (1) Bowie is a cool guy, so I want to throw him some love, (2) I love my Anarchy Championship Wrestling dearly, and (3) I make a cameo appearance, and yes, it is part of my continuing efforts to make Portia Perez like me. [Zombie Blood Fights]

With Leather

Redneck Olympics Vs. The U.S. Olympic Committee - I’m going to be honest, that trashy girl on the left probably #cangetit. I have weird standards where my girlfriend is sophisticated and gorgeous, but inner 14-year old me thinks these hillbilly girls and their 3-year window of hotness before they turn into toothless, tattooed monsters makes them desirable. Stupid rural upbringing. [With Leather]

Reggie Bush Is Pretty Sad About Losing Everything - I’m not sure what I’d say in even one text message to Kim Kardashian. “Hey, I’ve seen your show, I don’t like it. Your butt is big, write me back.” Okay, so I know exactly what I’d say. [With Leather]

@Storytime: Pat Hanlon Loses His Goddamn Mind - Don’t sleep on this edition of @Storytime, wherein a grown adult man retweets everyone in the world and adds “kiss my ass, butthole!” before it. Update: It is Friday, and the sun is still shining. But I’m in Texas, so I don’t know what’s going on over there. [With Leather]

The Chickbusters In Hipster Glasses - It’s a link to yesterday’s morning links, sure, but that picture of Kaitlyn in wayfarers is going to stay with me for weeks. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Deal With It GIFs: Pop Culture Edition - Deal With It GIFs are the best way to end a conversation, because they go in one ear and out the other like you posted blank space. Additionally, why do we live in a world where animated pictures are important to conversations? [UPROXX]

Flowmotion: 33 Rapid Fire Rap Songs - “Now we know y’all be lovin’ this … right here, L-I-M-P, Bizkit is right here. People in the house put them hands in the air, cause if you don’t care, then we don’t care!” – author unknown |Smoking Section|

15 Scariest Photos of Steven Tyler - Also acceptable, “all photos of Steven Tyler”. Why can’t we do the 15 best pictures of Liv Tyler, or better still, Mia? [Unreality]

Woman Can’t Stop Eating Dead Husband - Headlines that work. [Warming Glow]