“Don’t shave it, Keith!”

I don’t know if this is just my high school experience or what, but when a pair of cute teen girls tell you to do something, you should probably do it. This video (by way of Jason Against Speed at Sportress Of Blogitude, by way of the MLB Fan Cave) features an organized protest against New York Mets legend Keith Hernandez’s decision to (maybe) shave the iconic mustache that made him the American Mustache Institute’s Top Sports Mustache Of All-Time.

If you’d like to join in the protest, this is what you have to do: find a caterpillar, slaughter it, stick it to the end of a kebob skewer and hold it under your nose. Declare a la Spartacus that you are Keith Hernandez, and explain how stupid it’d be for you to change your grooming habits slightly after circa 40 years. It helps if you’re cute, a child, holding a dog or speaking with a heavy accent.

Check out the video below, and remember: you are Keith Hernandez. Don’t do it.

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Back in October, the American Mustache Institute announced its list of the 19 finalists for the Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year, and now you can breathe again because a winner has been chosen. The world of sports was represented by Major League pitcher Carl Pavano, Sacramento mayor and former Phoenix Suns guard Kevin Johnson, Chicago Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville, Major League Baseball umpire Jim Joyce, and the UTEP Miners mascot, Paydirt Pete. So which one of these spectacular sports figures won the glorious honor? None of them. Bunch of worthless jerks.

Instead, the 2010 Goulet Award was presented to firefighter Brian Sheets at a ceremony in St. Louis, Missouri, where the local women undoubtedly had to shave their mustaches to not one-up the winner. Sheets is from the beautiful and heavenly utopia of Orlando, FL, where he’s a firefighter, EMT and fire academy instructor. He received 22% of the 500,000 votes to earn the honor, while Pavano finished in third with 15%. Suck it, Pavano.

Twirl your Rollie Fingers, Asylum and tell us how the big winner feels…

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The American Mustache Institute has announced its list of 19 finalists for this year’s Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year. Sadly, your elementary school lunch lady once again missed the cut. But the sporting world has some well-known names up for this fuzzy honor, including Minnesota Twins pitcher Carl Pavano, Sacramento mayor and former Phoenix Suns guard Kevin Johnson, Chicago Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville, Major League Baseball umpire Jim Joyce, and the UTEP Miners mascot, Paydirt Pete. Pete is also a nominee for the New Face of NAMBLA competition.

The AMI Goulet awards are not a contest of the greatest mustache, but rather the celebration of the person who best represents mustached Americans. You know, if you put it that way, I have to put my vote with Carl Pavano. Think about it – he took fat paychecks from a large American company to rarely show up for work, was eventually let go, and now he collects paychecks from a smaller American company just to spend the rest of his days on easy street. *wipes away single tear* That’s a gosh-darned American right there.

Rest of the fur-lipped nominees after the jump:

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