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Links

Kobe Bryant Teaches Aziz Ansari A Thing Or Two About Success - Basketball players like him don’t grow on trees, and if they did? He’d sell him. Kobe trees! [Smoking Section]

Important: 10 Television Stars You’ll Probably Never See Naked - Dustin has apparently never seen the 1990 Christina Applegate classic Streets. You’ll see all of these people naked, just five or so years after it would’ve mattered to you. Except Jennifer Love Hewitt. You will never see her nude. [Warming Glow]

Courtney Stodden’s Tweets Drawn Hilariously By Anonymous Internet Hero - There is no greater reason to kill yourself than Courtney Stodden’s Twitter account. “Desirous dirt” is pretty funny, though. [UPROXX]

Meme Watch: 2/10, Would Not Bang Is Here To Help - Absolutely shocked that there isn’t already one of these for Kate Upton. Gonna get to work on that. [UPROXX]

6 Series from Image Comics You Should Be Buying (Aside From The Walking Dead) - Is The Savage Dragon on this list? Because if it isn’t, I’m not clicking. It’s probably just 6 comics with “Blood” and “Storm” in the name. [Gamma Squad]

Patton Oswalt Live-Tweets His Oscar Snub - Forget Patton Oswalt, the biggest Oscar snub of all was Sacha Baron Cohen in Hugo. Dude was the best part of Inspector Zenigata and every 80s Nickelodeon cartoon bad guy. [Film Drunk]

You Wanted More MMA Coverage, So Here’s Arianny Celeste In Zoo Magazine - In case you missed it during yesterday’s pro wrestling reports and Kate Upton nipple pics, Arianny Celeste took off her clothes and we shared the pictures. Hooray! [With Leather]

The 27 Best Movies To Not Be Nominated For Best Picture - Some of these are a travesty, but more importantly I want to know who the 6% of paid f**king movie critics are who gave a negative review to Duck Soup. Are you out of your f**king mind? [Buzzfeed]

26 Crazy/Brilliant Life Hacks - Not as good as yesterday’s 26 Crazy/Beautiful Hacks that ggot Kirsten Dunst into debug mode. [HuffPost Comedy]

5 Daughters of Famous People Who Have Been on ‘American Idol’ - Does Pierce Hawthorne’s step-daughter count? [The FW]

8 Epic Movie Moments and the Music that Made Them Great - This just reminds me how mad I was at Sunshine for suddenly forgetting it was a good movie and shoehorning in the villain from Event Horizon. Never gonna get over that. [Unreality]

Aerosmith frontman and American Idol judge Steven Tyler performed his version of the national anthem before Sunday’s AFC Championship between the New England Patriots and Baltimore Ravens, and most of Monday’s Internet has been about how terrible it was. The L.A. Times has a post up called Steven Tyler’s national anthem: Worst ever? [Poll], comparing it to similarly-awful versions by Roseanne Barr, Carl Lewis, Christina Aguilera and, worst of all, Scott Stapp. What could Tyler have possibly done in this lifetime to be compared to Scott Stapp? That’s like being told you’ve got 24 hours to live.

To recap, Steven Tyler:

1. is 63-years old.
2. is dressed like a lady hobo.
3. has more or less sung exactly the same song since he decided he wanted his voice to sound like a descending hawk circa 1975′s Toys In The Attic and has topped the popular music charts with at least 100 #1 singles in said voice since said album.

So, to reiterate … what exactly were you expecting from a Steven Tyler national anthem, America? He’s Steven Tyler. He sings like that. He is an old lady hobo. Did you expect him to bust out a Josh Groban-ass Ave Maria? I’m surprised we got through it without him going WHACK-ACK-OW, WHACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-OWWW and a pelvic mic stand thrust.

Video of the performance is below. Compare and contrast it to any Aerosmith video on YouTube, especially the ones with teenage Alicia Silverstone and/or Liv Tyler in leather pants.

Read the rest of this entry »

Former “American Idol” contestant Lauren Alaina became the show’s latest singer to be shoe-horned into a NFL broadcast for the sake of synergy, as she sang the National Anthem before yesterday’s game between the Detroit Lions and Green Bay Packers. And as we have come to expect from today’s pop singers, she screwed it up.

Granted, Alaina didn’t complete botch it like some of the other derps we’ve seen in recent history, but she did pause and hesitate for a few seconds before finally remembering the words to the song that we all learned in elementary school. And much like today’s stars, Alaina took to Twitter to clear it all up.

Read the rest of this entry »

Up next: the cast of “Glee” mashes up “God Bless America” with “Party Rock Anthem”! Stay tuned!

Links

The Best Of Ellen Muthaf*ckin’ Barkin’s Muthf*ckin’ Tweets So Muthaf*ckin’ Far - Did you know America’s low-rent Helen Mirren has a Twitter account? Do you know she curses a lot? Now you know! [UPROXX]

What If We Replaced The Star-Studded Cast Of New Year’s Eve With Terrence Howard In Different Hats? - Using “Raise Your Glass” in a trailer is the worst. Pink probably makes 20 mil in royalties every day because some studio exec thinks Ashton Kutcher is “right in all the wrong ways”. [Film Drunk]

Drake’s Okay With Being Labeled “Emo” - Last name Ever, first name Lamest. [Smoking Section]

Affleck’s ‘The Town’ in Real Life - Hopefully this involves Blake Lively being a white trash stripper in real life. [The Daily What]

Star Wars Taxidermy Sadly Just Photoshop - And almost all of these could serve as a really foul-smelling sleeping bag, should the situation arise. [Gamma Squad]

‘Police Academy’ Noise Guy Mouth-Shreds Led Zeppelin’s ‘Whole Lotta Love’ - Legitimately better than all 10 songs in the Billboard Hot 100 Top 10. You’ve got “moves like Jagger”? Why not try making good music like Jagger? [Warming Glow]

10 Things You Didn’t Know About The Movie Swingers - #11 – It is not as good as Made. Screech cameo greater than. [Buzzfeed]

From Elton John to The Pixies: 21 Great Movie Music Cues - I would’ve included the omnipresent Saw music and the orchestral open from The Chipmunk Adventure. [Moviefone]

The 10 Best Classic TV Theme Songs - This list doesn’t include “The Brady Bunch” and is therefore invalid. [AOL TV]

ROBOT CHICKEN: New York Comic Con 2011 Panel - “Uh yeah okay so this year we’re gonna make Boba Fett fart, and the fart will be voiced by Nicole Eggert, and you’re gonna laugh at it for some reason. See you next year!” [Adult Swim]

The 12 Crappiest Movies of Carla Gugino’s Career - This guy has the nerve to suggest Troop Beverly Hills isn’t a good movie. Are you serious, bro? The Freddie! [Pajiba]

George Carlin Answered A 14 Year-Old’s Letter - I love that George Carlin could talk for 2 hours about any subject, but answers form questions with as few words as possible. That’s so wonderfully human. [NextRound]