Last year, a raffle to support a small-town Illinois little league team raised only $10. This year, the people involved in that raffle have upped the ante by offering cookies and lemonade, and holding a yard sale. Wait, no, I’m sorry, they’re auctioning off an AR-15 assault rifle and a 30-round magazine.

This is a raffle you’ll want to win, because Atwood, Ill., is overrun by a bunch of drug-smuggling pirates, and sure, your stealth melee attacks are important for sneaking into outposts and turning off alarms, but eventually you’re gonna want to stand on a tiger cage and blow everybody away. That’s what little league baseball is all about. Little league baseball or FarCry 3, I keep getting those two confused.

“We could have went with a basic shotgun or something simple,” said league commissioner Steven McClain. “But obviously it’s not going to draw the attention, not going to draw the volume we’re hoping to make.”

…

Helping the struggling baseball program seemed like a no-brainer. The [Atwood] armory sponsors a team and knows the need for money was great.

“All that money collectively goes towards paying for shirts, hats, gloves, field maintenance, umpires.” (via Illinois Homepage)

They’ll find even more money if they search all the treasure chests in the area.

My favorite part of the story is that the woman who runs the place where they use weapons to raise money for causes is named CHARIDY BUTCHER:

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"Pull mah fingah!"

I’ll start by prefacing this post with the standard reminder that I am not a political person and I do not ever intend to express my political or religious beliefs to you, the reader. I believe that we only have a short time here on this crazy little planet called Earth, and we should spend our time focused on more important things like making Brittney Palmer fall in love with me. That said, I’m worried the WWE may be responsible for our next Civil War.

As you wrasslin’ fans are all well aware, Jack Swagger is back with his “Real American” gimmick, and he has been joined by a manager named Zeb Colter. They are clearly playing on the idea that people who belong to the Tea Party are a wee bit eccentric. It also certainly doesn’t help that immigration is an endlessly hot topic and Swagger is wrestling Mexican star Alberto Del Rio at Wrestlemania.

Despite the fact that the WWE has famously mocked many races, religions, genders and politics in the past, this gimmick is apparently the straw that broke the horse’s back. Why a horse? Ain’t no camels in the Constitution, that’s why.

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“Doing segway” is a sport, right? It’s a thing with wheels. That’s sports enough for me.

Anyway, World Wide Interweb’s latest video of Segway fails is delightful, and a lengthy, illustrated example of why we should not create those Wall-E chairs that let us float around as fat people in space. Highlights include the girl in the banner image running into a wall and getting trapped under her own giant walking device, a bomb squad guy (?) faceplanting, and that horrible thing that happens where you try to catch your balance and end up crotching yourself on the handlebars.

Video is below.

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WWE’s newest Superstar (“The USA Guy”) is the best on ever, because he represents AMERICA. Whether you like wrestling or not, you are patriotically obligated to support this man and his efforts. Part 2 is somehow even better. That’s after the jump.

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Links

Sports On TV: Parks And Recreation’s 20 Greatest Sports Moments |With Leather|

15 Unexpected Songs That Have Been Played In Space |UPROXX|

Only A Terrific, Giant-Sized Douche Snozzle Would Call ‘Breaking Bad’ The Most Overrated Show On Television |Warming Glow|

Shia LaBeouf sent sex tapes to Lars Von Trier |Film Drunk|

5 Reasons We Hope Core Online Is The Future Of Gaming |Gamma Squad|

Pier 1 Training Video Shows Rapping, Complete With Necessary Black Guy |Smoking Section|

Tom Brady Plays Receiver, With Photoshoppable Results |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Make no mistake about it, Team USA handled the Nigerian Men’s Basketball team with humiliating authority yesterday, as Carmelo Anthony set a new team record with 37 points, and the entire team set world records with 156 points and 29 3-pointers. Nigeria? 73 points. It was an 83-point thrashing for the ages, and a game that will certainly spark a few morons to write: “Yeah, but what would the 1992 Dream Team have scored against this Nigerian team?”

But in this era of good sportsmanship and “Hey, everybody have fun out there”, it wouldn’t have made for a good enough story unless some reporter accused Team USA of running up the scoreboard. I don’t actually know which reporter asked the golden question, so I’ll assume his name is Boris Commiedick and he writes for the Pinko Times-Gazette. Nevertheless, Coach Mike Krzyzewski didn’t take too kindly to being called a showboat.

We didn’t play LeBron [James] and Kobe [Bryant] in the second half, and with Carmelo shooting like that, we benched him,” Krzyzewski said. “We didn’t take any fast breaks in the fourth quarter, and we played all zone. You have to take a shot every 24 seconds, and the shots we took happened to be hit.

“I take offense to this question because there’s no way in the world that our program in the United States sets out to humiliate anyone.”

Krzyzewski nodded toward Nigeria coach Ayodele Bakare and decided to speak for him too. “Coach would think it humiliating if we didn’t play hard.” (Via Yahoo!’s Adrian Wojnarowski to round out the names I hate spelling)

*unfolds American flag, clips it to rope, raises it up a pole, puts on glasses, stands on top of Mount Rushmore, lights a Roman candle*

Yo, rest of the world, listen up. I think I speak for the majority of American basketball fans when I say if you don’t like us paying back Shehu Shagari for his 419 scams by mopping the floor with Team Nigeria, then y’all need to get together and create a super team that can stop us. And that probably won’t even work. You’d need Voltron, a couple Thundercats, and probably some really hot stripper cheerleaders to distract our players. And even then you’ll probably lose by 30. So suck it, rest of the world. Suck it hard.

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Sorry, not that one.

WWE Smackdown is airing a live special tonight, and by request I’ve decided to set up an open discussion thread so we can laugh about it/share our thoughts on Katy Perry: The Pepsi: The Movie. Tonight’s hype blurb:

Every time SmackDown goes live, it comes with its share of surprises – just picture Mick Foley’s holiday celebration or the many WWE Legends who showed up for the recent SuperSmackDown LIVE: Blast from the Past. Couple this with the fact it’s The Great American Bash – appearing on Syfy for the first-time-ever – and that this particular show falls on the day before Independence Day and the fireworks are sure to fly.

Lest the WWE Universe forget that it was on that very holiday when future WWE Hall of Famers Edge and Hulk Hogan once teamed up to win the illustrious World Tag Team Titles. What could be the next monumental happening to come out of this earth-shattering television event? Who might show up to be part of it? There is already the mega announcement of The Great American Bash 20-Man Battle Royal main event – featuring a stunning list of Superstars including WWE Champion CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, John Cena, Alberto Del Rio and Big Show and World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus. (via WWE.com)

If you’re looking for the Best And Worst Of WWE Raw column, you can either scroll down the page slightly or read that here.

As a bonus for those of you who are hanging out with us tonight, a click of the “like” button and a share on Twitter will unlock our spectacular July 4th Ryback FEED ME MORE badge. Just be sure to participate in the show discussion and it’ll be yours. If you can figure out a way to unlock two of them, that’d be better than one.

So yeah, have at it. It’s time to talk greatness, America, and bashing.

Pre-discussion questions:

1. Who’s winning the battle royale? Who do I have to blow to have Derrick Bateman win? He loves America more than anybody!
2. The over/under on Teddy Long tag matches is set at 2. Over or under? Remember that Raw had at least 70.
3. What’s your favorite Great American Bash-related match or memory?