Links

College Football’s Top 50 Plays Of 2011 - I did a version of this list, but when I was done I noticed it contained 35 Tim Tebow plays. Yes, part of me still thinks of Tim Tebow as a college football player, sort of how I still think all my ex-girlfriends are nice people. [High Definite]

“The Ride” – Review Of Drake’s Take Care - What a terrible record. Indianapolis Colts. [Smoking Section]

Joe Clark Is Pissed: “Lean On Me” Actor Busted With 200 Pounds Of Weed - BUY THE WEED, SON. COME ON, DO IT. DO IT EXPEDITIOUSLY. [Smoking Section]

It Was Bound to Happen: ‘Fear Factor’ Incest - This is easily the hottest Fear Factor has ever been. It should just be porn fears now, like to win money you have to get Brazzer’d in the chest for 5 minutes. [Warming Glow]

Bisexual Amber Heard urges other Hollywood stars to come out of the closet. With a helpful picture of how this might be achieved - Amber Heard and Chaz Bono walk the same road, except Amber’s is covered with rose petals and lined with people going OH GOD AMBER HEARD YOU ARE SO PRETTY AND GREAT even if what she does is exclusively terrible. You have an awesome life, Amber Heard. [FARK]

The Internet’s 10 Best Ron Swanson Tributes Of 2011 - Give me all the Ron Swanson tributes you have. [UPROXX]

Foo Fighters Concert Causes Minor Earthquake Tremors In New Zealand - Why’d you have to go and let them die? [UPROXX]

Official Amazing Spider-Man Site Is Go - Where are you when we need you most, Wizard Magazine? Spider-Man’s urine eyes are worrying me. [Gamma Squad]

The Golden Globe Nominations are… kind of great? - Hugo for Best Picture. It’s like that other movie about silent film, but not up its own asshole. [Film Drunk]

The 30 Most Important Cats Of 2011 - I refuse to believe my cat isn’t on here somewhere. [Buzzfeed]

10 Adorable Videos of Animals Using iPads - Again, my cat should be on here somewhere, although I guess lying on an iPad isn’t “using” it. [The FW]

Response Piece: Ten Subtle Ways to Tell Him that His Penis is Too Small - TT_TT [Pajiba]

Ultros cosplay. I think I just found my Halloween costume.

Links

Custom Knit Final Fantasy Kicks by PrettySneaky - These shoes are the coolest. I want to buy them on sale, just to see if the ads say “I, GARLAND, WILL KNOCK DOWN ALL THE PRICES”. [Gamma Squad]

New Rum Diary Clips: Amber Heard Parties Naked - Oh Amber Heard, you aren’t a very good actress, but I’m going to convince myself you’re awesome. Also known as the Amanda Seyfried Rule (or to most people, the Anne Hathaway Rule). [Film Drunk]

Tensions At #OccupySesameStreet Are Heating Up (New Photoshops) - I wish the Internet had been around during the civil rights movement, just so we could’ve seen people photoshopping Dragonball characters onto the Rosa Parks bus. [UPROXX]

Rihanna Wearing Nothing But Kale On The New Esquire Cover Doesn’t Make Her The ‘Sexiest Woman Alive’ - I don’t get Rihanna. She’s not even the hottest person doing this schtick. Last time I checked, Scarlett Johansson didn’t suddenly die and necessitate a replacement. [UPROXX]

Trombone Shorty – “Do To You” (Star Slinger Remix) - Just writing a sentence to say how badly I want people to call me “Trombone Shorty”. [Smoking Section]

We Are Still Kraken-Lackin’ - ATTN People who write for the nerdy UPROXX site I should’ve gotten shuffled onto by now: the Kraken isn’t around because I made Kratos kill him with a bridge. [Gamma Squad]

The Simpsons Embrace Horsemaning - Certainly better than the time they embraced “dogging”. That’s a great joke if you watch too much porn. [Buzzfeed]

Kate Beckinsale Is Holding Up Alright - Hopefully she’ll hold up long enough to make a good movie before she dies. [FARK]

Finding New Homes for the Stars of Fall 2011′s Canceled Shows - I was a little disappointed by this, because I thought they were literally going to try to find new homes for people, and like Amber Heard would get stuck on an episode of House Hunters. [AOL TV]

10 Needlessly Sexualized Versions of Everyday Products - I feel uncomfortable every time I use a bottle of Fathead shampoo. [Smoking Jacket]

81-Year-Old “Doctor” Offers Free Door-To-Door Breast Exams - I’m also offering these over the Internet. Send me pictures of your breasts, I’ll check them out and get back to you. [Brobible]

The 9 TV Actors Who Were Never Supposed To Leave Their Castmates In The Dust - This is a pretty interesting list, if only for how violently Mila Kunis rawdogged the rest of her cast. Also, Freaks and Geeks cast photos make me sad. [Pajiba]

I hear it makes a great chew toy!

Links

Bleacher Creatures: Collect Them All, Put On A Creepy Puppet Show - I’d buy these, but I’m afraid they’ll try to teach me parables about Christianity. Especially the Kurt Warner one. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

The Seven Most Insanely Dangerous Combat Sports Ever Invented - I love the guy in the X-Arm video being all “oh wow a former champion it’s an honor to be working with him” when the work they’re doing is arm wrestling + kicking. [Cage Potato]

These Vintage Mad Men Playboy Covers Are Pretty F-ing Fantastic - Hell’s balls, Trudy! [UPROXX]

‘Playboy Club’ Wins Race to Be First Cancellation of the Season! - Who knew a show about a sex club on network TV wouldn’t do well? Good luck to Amber Heard, who probably already has three failed shows lined up for next year. [Warming Glow]

Star Trek And Star Wars Quiet Books Are Homemade Awesome - These are neat, and legitimately the best thing made with “Star Wars” on it since like 1980. [Gamma Squad]

New York Man Takes Wicker Man Cosplay Too Far - This sounds too much like a plot from ‘The Brady Bunch’. I was hoping this would be about a guy who covered himself with sticks and set himself on fire. [Film Drunk]

Four Loko Folds Under FTC Pressure, Updates Alcohol Content Warning - The new warning reads, “Why are you drinking this? Do you hate yourself?” and possibly “#areyouseriousbro” [Smoking Section]

Chris Christie’s Presidential Announcement (With Fat Cats) - This is the future of news. The next time something like 9/11 happens, we’re gonna have to put up with the rainbow pop tart cat flying around in the background. [Buzzfeed]

Thomas Jane Pretty Much Just Said That As A Struggling Actor He’d Have Sex With Men For Sandwiches Or Something - He’s just trying to get his kids back. [FARK]

9 Television Shows from the ’60s That Haven’t Been Made into Movies… Yet - Speaking of The Brady Bunch, I’m gonna go watch that movie again. “YES, I’M IN THE MIDDLE.” [Moviefone|

The Perfect Halloween Costume for One-Legged Ladies - If you don't like this, you can always be Zach Gowen. [The Daily What]

Mindhole Blowers: 20 Facts About Bridesmaids That Might Make You Sh*t Your Pants - Oh man, these facts! My pants! [Pajiba]

Chances are if you watched the ESPYs last night you’re either way too desperate for sports, a 13-year old girl obsessed with Justin Bieber, a young male perv obsessed with Brooklyn Decker, or you lost your remote. While I qualify for that third option with flying colors, I chose not to watch ESPN’s annual celebration of the day after the MLB All-Star Game because it’s a silly, meaningless display of ass-kissing. I mean, how the hell can you claim that Jimmer Fredette was better than Kemba Walker or that the Dallas Mavericks were a better team than the San Francisco Giants or the Green Bay Packers? It’s speculative and lazy, and anyone who takes it seriously (SPOILER ALERT: The athletes don’t) needs to put down the second helping of Totino’s Pizza Rolls and step outside for some fresh air.

But damn ESPN and their wicked manipulation, because they know better than to just give us straight-forward sports. The World Wide Leader used Decker, Emmanuelle Chiqrui, Amber Heard, Rachel Nichols, and, for the ladies, Ryan Reynolds to make us think that this is actually a worthwhile event, and not just an ad revenue source for the year’s worst day of sports. It’s diabolical, sure. But we’re stuck with it, so we can either keep fighting or we can give in and agree to stare at Decker and the rest of the attractive women (and men, for the two girls that read this site).

After the jump, the best of the Red Carpet, ESPYs, and the post-show thing where people stand around and smile.

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