As if newfound chosen son Amar’e Stoudemire didn’t already have enough on his plate, what with his decision to lead New York Knicks fans through the desert for at least the next five years, the star forward has been issued a challenge. Marc Gold wants to know just how Jewish Stoudemire really is. Having recently spent time in Israel tracing his Hebrew roots, Stoudemire has embraced his c’heritage and Gold – owner of Gold Food Products – wants to test his faith with a schtickle of kosher horseradish.

Gold’s challenge, should Stoudemire choose to accept it, is for the new Knick to take a tour of the Gold factory, where the horseradish is made, and to survive not only the production of the fakakta condiment, but also to devour a heaping serving on a nice chunk of matzoh. All without crying, vomiting or complaining, of course. But in fairness, he wouldn’t even be there if he wasn’t expected to complain about something. Probably the humidity, oy gevalt!

Let’s have a party and all dance the Hora, CNBC:

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The first NBA free agent was signed last night, which is too bad. Now SportsCenter has to edit its nightly 35-minute highlight reel of LeBron James to make time to cover it. Stoudemire will earn $100 million over the next five years. He’ll be 33 when the deal expires.

Stoudemire can’t officially sign until Thursday, because the NBA arbitrarily decided to prohibit teams from making deals in order to create an orgy of signings on July 8th. All I can say is, “Good job, NBA.” I’ve heard more about NBA free agency this offseason than I heard about the last NBA season. Do I want to watch Dwyane Wade shoot 30 free throws every night? No. Do I care about where he’ll be playing ball next season? Kinda. I really want to see Wade in a different jersey, and then run to the store and not buy it.

Free agency is a big deal, and it’s really the only chance for a select few ballers to reach their market value. I might be the only person on earth that thinks basketball players don’t make enough money. That $100 million won’t go terribly far in New York, either. On the other hand, he could probably get a great price on BP stock.

In a stunning turn of events, Spurs point guard Tony Parker made headlines by doing something that did not — I repeat, did NOT — have anything to do with wife Eva Longoria or anonymous gay truck stop sex.  Parker dropped an astonishing 55 points (to go with 10 assists and seven rebounds) in San Antonio’s 129-125 double-overtime win in Minnesota.  His game-tying jumper at the buzzer in the first overtime helped guarantee that the Spurs would not begin the season 0-4, which is really too bad.  That would have been delightful.

Amare Stoudemire and LeBron James also registered huge games last night.  Stoudemire’s line against the Pacers: 49 points (17/21 from the field, 15/15 free throws), 11 rebounds, six assists, and five steals.  Not surprisingly, Phoenix won, 113-103.  As for King James, he led the Cavs to a 107-93 victory over the Bulls with 41 points, nine boards, and six assists.  Sheesh, compared to Amare and Parker, he barely showed up.  Get with it, LeBron.

Elsewhere in the NBA: The still-Iverson-less Pistons maintained their perfect record while ruining Toronto’s… Dwyane Wade’s impressive night got overshadowed by the big three performances detailed above, but the Heat still cruised past the 76ers.  Mario Chalmers recorded nine steals in the win… The Knicks exacted revenge, kind of, against Larry Brown, beating their former coach in his return to Madison Square Garden.  Diminishing the Knicks’ feat: Brown coaches the Bobcats.

Steve Nash took a nasty forearm shiver that sent him into the scorer's table, and because Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw stood up and took a few steps in outrage that the two-time MVP and best player on the team was so flagrantly fouled, they've been suspended for the Game 5, essentially stripping the Suns of any realistic chance of winning the pivotal Game 5 at home.

Asked if he thought it was a fair decision, [NBA gulag director Stu] Jackson said, "It's not a matter of fairness, it's a matter of correctness, and this is the right decision at this point in time."

And there's the crux of it: the NBA toed the letter of the law, and the law (pictured, left), in this case, isn't fair.  As someone who's been drinking the D'Antoni Kool-Aid since Steve Nash arrived in Phoenix, it's unspeakably frustrating that the Suns always have some monster setback to overcome in the playoffs.  Sadly, all we can do is gnash our teeth, shake our fists at an uncaring god, and write blog posts about the Spurs' lack of style.  Well, and maybe buy some black market Stingers to shoot down the Spurs' team plane.  I'm not saying anyone should do that… but, well, actually — heh, heh.  You didn't get the idea from me.

Anyway, I have a couple different proposals for the Suns that will make Game 5 the awesomest playoff game ever: (1) Play competitively for the first half.  If it's working out, keep trying.  If the Spurs are dominating, sit everyone and just throw the game away.  Put in the five shittiest players and throw the ball into the stands every possession.  Don't run.  Don't try.  Make it the most lopsided playoff loss ever, because fuck David Stern.  Or (2), at the opening tip, have Pat Burke punch Tim Duncan in the balls.  Just as hard as he can.  Pow. 

Personally, I'm leaning toward option 2.  Or the Stinger missiles. 

I don't have enough material for a real dispatch from Miami yet, but I will admit to paying a $20 cover to get into Daulerio hotspot the Clevelander last night. That afforded me the opportunity to pay $7 for Bud Lights, espy the occasional attractive woman dancing on a hoochie dais, and — for a couple seconds — lay my eyes on the Playmaker himself, Michael Irvin (suit, sunglasses, bodyguard, fawning idiots).

Oh, and instead of camping out near a hoochie dais, I sat in the sports bar and watched the Suns break away from the Spurs in the 4th quarter to win 103-87. Totally worth it, too — Amare Stoudemire finished with 24 points, 23 rebounds, and a technical foul on renowned shithead Manu Ginobili. Ginobili, still sporting the karmic shiner from Kobe's "punch," was brilliant in his own right, scoring 32, but anyone who make the NBA look like Italian Serie A has a special place in sports hell — watching "Our Country" commercials for eternity while Ty Cobb kicks his ass.

And yes, I realize that I'm doing yet another post on the Suns when the Cavs and Heat played possibly a more interesting game. What can I say, I have a new NBA crush. The Suns are the new Gilbert Arenas. And the three stacked chicks that just walked into the hotel lobby I'm in are the new Suns.

There was much excitement for Agent Zero and the Wizards to host the streaking Suns last night. After all, Gilbert Arenas still has his Olympic team feud with Suns coach Mike D'Antoni, right?

Ummm… no. The Suns opened the game with 41 points in the first quarter and never looked back, cruising to a 127-105 victory at wherever Washington plays their home games… the MCI Center, I think. Steve Nash — who briefly sported a mustache yesterday — had 14 assists and scored 27 points on 11-of-13 shooting, which is over 50% of his shots. Pretty good.

"I did hear that they wanted to be the Phoenix Suns of the East," said Amare Stoudemire, who had 15 points on 5-for-6 shooting. "I think there's only one Phoenix Suns, and we rest in the West. And that's how it's going to be for a while."

Oh. Oh no. Wizards, you just got SERVED! Everybody stand back! There might be some yard-stomping, and I don't want anyone to get hurt.