Is It Just Me Or Does Tom Brady Look Way Too Much Like Dexter (and Morning Links)

Written by Brandon Stroud / 12.30.11

Tom Brady

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Links

This Week Tom Brady Will Prove That He’s A Horrible Person - Brady should respond to the media’s treatment of Drew Brees by wearing a Saints jersey and throwing every time he touches the ball, whether they’re up by 200 or not. [Smoking Section]

The First Ever KSK Fantasy Football Awards - The award for Worst Fantasy Football Player In History goes to me for my piss-rank performance in our Draftstreet promotions this season. Man, and to think I once won a Yahoo league without ever updating it. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Video: Robert Griffin III’s Incredible TD Run - I watched this from the ellipticals at the gym LIKE A BOSS. Then I realized if I was a boss, I’d just be using the treadmills. Also, I wouldn’t be holding my iPod when I ran. [Yardbarker]

2011: The Year of the UFC Title Curse - It just goes to show you, true MMA success isn’t in winning championships, it’s in entertaining EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU! (that is MMA, right) [Cage Potato]

Don Cherry’s Piano Desk - So is Don Cherry trying to look like Tyler Perry’s Mr. Brown, or is that just a coincidence? [Buzzfeed]

Prisoner Says Jamie Foxx Is A Skank Robbers Robber - “Madea gets kidnapped by a white guy and must sincerely plead for her life” is the most amazing, psychotic idea for a movie ever. Prisons would be even better if they were underground. [Film Drunk]

5 Reasons Firefly Was Lucky To Get Canceled - Just think of it like a British show. Or like ‘Cowboy Bebop’, which was much better and basically the same thing. [Gamma Squad]

These Kids Are Terrible - Watching kids be unable to get through the Legends Of The Hidden Temple temple without collapsing and sh*tting themselves is stressful. I used to love how hard the Hidden Temple questions were. GEORGE WASHINGTON WAS THE FIRST PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. WHO WAS THE FIRST PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, GEORGE WASHINGTON OR HAM SANDWICH and the kids would just STAND THERE. [Warming Glow]

Zooey Deschanel And Joseph Gordon-Levitt Would Like To Hear About Your New Years Eve Plans - Masturbating to Zooey Deschanel, and probably Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Just kidding, nobody likes Zooey Deschanel anymore! [UPROXX]

5 Beauty Lessons We Learned This Year From Amanda Seyfried - I hope “get your boobs out, go wrist-deep on Julianne Moore” is on the list. [Glamour Beauty]

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These Are Not The Morning Links You’re Looking For

Written by Brandon Stroud / 09.15.11

[header photo by way of Amanda Rykoff]

Links

A Short Time Ago In A Stadium Not Far Far Away - The only thing Jason Fry of Faith and Fear In Flushing knows more about than the New York Mets is Star Wars, so it is super awesome that he got to be a Stormtrooper for the Mets. Read about his story (he’s the one in the picture). [Faith and Fear]

Twitter Reacts To The News That Basketball Star Glen Rice Allegedly Banged Sarah Palin In 1987 - This is a great follow-up to yesterday’s article on With Leather for two reasons — one, it’s funny, and two, it gets the Tea Party yahoos googling “Sarah Palin Glen Rice” shuffled off to a different section of UPROXX. [UPROXX]

Six TV-Inspired Video Games That Were Nothing Like The Shows That Inspired Them - I remember playing that Home Improvement game and thinking it was one of the dumbest things ever. Somebody should make a King of Queens game where you have to drive post-apocalyptic battle cars. [Warming Glow]

The 15 Best Singing Performances In Non-Musical Films - Do the Country Bears count? What about “Don Henley as a Country Bear”? Because that was pretty amazing. [UPROXX]

Christina Hendricks Would Still Like To Be Wonder Woman - I would like for Christina Hendricks to stop smoking, get a part of her body other than the boobs in shape and display some sort of athleticism anywhere ever before getting to be Wonder Woman. [Gamma Squad]

AKNITomy: Amazing Knitted Dissected Animals - This is cute, and is the only way dissection should be done. The only thing I ever dissected was owl poop, and I didn’t get much farther than OH GOD THAT IS BONES. [Gamma Squad]

Awesome Mash-Up Alert: Twilight Plus Slapshot - Awesome mash-up idea alert: Slapshot plus anything. [Film Drunk]

Tyler Perry Tops Forbes’ List, Proves There Is No God - Mr. Brown is pretty funny, but no, not “millions and millions of dollars” funny. [Smoking Section]

Behold, the Greatest Book of All Time - This is number two all time, right behind The Bluest Eye. I’m gonna guess they have similar plots. [Buzzfeed]

Amanda Seyfried: ‘I can’t believe nobody wanted to see Megan Fox and me hitting it’ - I did, I totally did, I just didn’t want to sit through 45 minutes of Diablo Cody dialogue to get there. I checked out somewhere after “honest to blog”. [FARK]

20 Other Anticlimactic ‘Star Trek 2′ Confirmations - “Deep Space Nine will not appear, and we will continue pretending it didn’t exist, except in video packages about how we’re ahead of our time when it comes to gender and race relations.” [Moviefone]

Internet Browsers as Pretty Ladies - what [Unreality]

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Morning Links: Football, Mousey Starlets

Written by Brandon Stroud / 08.18.11

Sports

LOLNFL: Preseason 2011 Week 1 - The reasonable adult approach to professional sports is to wait for the pictures to go up and put a bunch of block letter words over them. It helps you cope with things like “collusion” and “being a Dolphins fan”. I had to make a fake AIM chatroom about baseball before I could handle it again. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

When Football Let Us Down: The Most Depressing NFL Eras Of Our Lives - The wistful counterpoint to LOLNFL, the guys at SB Nation recap their worst experiences as football fans. Mine is still “Sterling Sharpe got hurt, Dan Marino retired and I didn’t have anybody else to like”. [SBN]

Five Ways For Jon Fitch To Get Another Title Shot - Man, I don’t know how people get title shots in legitimate sports. I wanted to add a sixth one but the best I could muster was “attack the champion with a weapon from behind so when he recovers he’ll want revenge”. Does MMA have a Royal Rumble? [Cage Potato]

Steve Spurrier Has His Own Wine - So does Tim Tebow, but they’re totally different. [Dr. Saturday]

With Leather

Miley Cyrus: Bowling Legend - The next morning I’m wishing I’d gone with the headline BOWLING PARTY IN THE USA. Burnsy has started a Tumblr account to make things come out of Miley Cyrus’ vagina, so click this and see where it all began. I’m going to make a Tumblr about things going INTO Miley’s vagina. Wait, E! already does that. |With Leather]

The Dugout: Thome At 600 - Milestone Dugouts are always the hardest to write. When Manny quit and fled the country I couldn’t come up with anything poignant to say. I need more players to get Crohn’s Disease. [The Dugout]

The Best of the First Annual Los Angeles Beard and Mustache Championships - They should give a supplementary award to the “Most Likely To Be A Member Of Kings Of Leon”. [With Leather]

You Can’t Spell F*cked Without The U - Pretty soon we’re going to find out college football is fixed, and all those fumbles were done on purpose. If this scandal can somehow stop Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson from being a thing, I’m all for it. [With Leather]

Not Sports

This Week in Posters: Baby Goose Gets Top Billing - Amanda Seyfried with black hair is one small step toward the perfect woman. Justin Timberlake holding a gun and showing up in every movie is a giant leap backwards. I guess we have to put up with these things until he figures out another way to sing “ooh baby”. [Film Drunk]

Meme Watch: Friend Zone Fiona Is Someone We All Know and Love - Hilarious and spot-on. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been rejected and had to sit through an hour-long explanation as to why I’m such a great and awesome friend. [UPROXX]

Marvel’s Sexy Pajamas Turn Real Women into Fantasies - I will buy these for my girlfriend on two conditions. One, they stop putting dumb phrases on the thigh. Two, they make one for Dazzler. [Gamma Squad]

WZUP: 5 Unforgettable Martin Characters - I went through a phase where I mentioned Martin in every Dugout, and this is a good explanation why. Bruh-Man is still my favorite, and right behind Peter Brady and Chicken Boo on my list of the best TV characters ever. [Smoking Section]

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