I am going to say this one more time, calmly: holy shit you guys, three legged alligators are terrorizing the Zurich Classic.

Regular gators, too, but STUMPY (!) is especially dangerous. He lost a leg at some point in his long, alligator life and is still not afraid to face down a guy in a golf cart head-on. If I am a golfer, the number one goal in my life should be “avoid alligators at all costs.” It’s even more important than golf.

I hope Sterling Archer isn’t watching this.

The announcer’s delivery of “that’s a real hazard right there” should win him a Golf Emmy, if those are a thing.

[h/t to Tony Blogs]

Arizona Cardinals defensive lineman Darnell Dockett is starting to represent his own branch of Darwinism. After live blogging multiple run-ins with the police he’s decided to fully chronicle his descent into off-season lockout madness by almost being eaten by a wild animal, then buying one.

The story begins logically enough, with Dockett wandering the Florida Everglades. His tweet of, “I’m out here messing with these gators in everglades! This mofo almost bit me!” was accompanied by a picture of said mofo. Having lived in South Florida myself, I know the proper response to almost being eaten by one of these things is to say “jesus christ” out-loud and move to Ohio. Dockett responded by buying his own alligator (pictured above) and telling everybody about how he’s going to take it to work.

If Dockett’s offseason continues at this pace, I expect him to be lost in the Old West battling aliens by the end of the Summer. Worst case scenario, we log on to Twitter and find out who’d win a fight between an alligator and a policeman.

[via Twitter]

Here is the first national news story in the life of our future President: 10-year-old Michael Dasher of Rockledge, Florida, said he was fishing with his friends from the side of a canal when he accidentally snagged a six-foot alligator. Now, this is where my national news story would end. There would be a big headline reading “LOCAL OAF CHILD DEVOURED BY WATER BEAST.” Because Dasher is not me, he reacted to a charging SIX FOOT LONG GODDAMN ALLIGATOR by hitting it with sticks and jumping on its back. He then captured the animal like this was some real life episode of Pokémon and dragged it home, suffering only minor scratches. I don’t care how Bieber-esque this kid is, he rules. And I hope he uses the alligator to combat small birds.

Unfortunately, nobody else thinks so.

[Grandfather Benjie] Cox said after he gave Michael a stern talk about what he had done, the [Brevard County Police] officers gave him one, too. He said they told him that if he was older, he would have been arrested and charged with a felony.

Cox said the alligator seemed like it was in bad shape, but wildlife officers said they were planning to release it back into the St. John’s River.

Michael said he learned his lesson and will run if he ever sees another alligator.

Isn’t that just like a parent, missing the forest for the trees? He could’ve at least given him a “whoa, that was awesome, but you could’ve died” instead of badgering him about jail. I bet Gran’pa Benjie would’ve gotten chomped trying to hobble out of that canal. Michael, here’s some actual advice: the next time you see an alligator, put it on a leash and teach it to attack your grandfather and local police.

[via WTSP]