Sports

Billy Hunter Says Kiss the 2011-2012 NBA Season Goodbye - To paraphrase one of our commenters, as a Dallas Mavericks fan I’m happy the team gets to be champions into perpetuity. We should agree to send all of our good NBA players to China in exchange for them erasing our national debt. The math works out. [Smoking Section]

Magic Regrets His Early Retirement - I’m starting to think Magic Johnson never had HIV, and he just said he did as a public service announcement because everything in the early 90s was about HIV. He probably doesn’t know how to ride a skateboard, either. [Yardbarker]

The Animated GIF Guide to MMA Failure, Part 2 - Gifs are the new peep show machine. You drop a penny in and get to see a guy punch another guy for a few seconds, then move on to the Fortune Teller. In this analogy, “football” is the Fortune Teller. [Cage Potato]

Competitive Facial Hair Growing - Finally, a sport I’d be worse at than basketball. I guess Austin, Texas, is the world’s biggest competitive facial hair growing pick-up league. [SI via Hot Clicks]

With Leather

The Attractive Female Celebrity’s Guide To Drafting Fantasy Running Backs - I’m not knocking Burnsy’s system, but I think I’d rather draft an Alison Brie than a Mila Kunis or an Elisha Cuthbert. Besides, an Elisha Cuthbert would get killed by the Carolina Panthers. [With Leather]

The Dugout: A-Rod’s Violent Gambling Parties - For those of you complaining about a lack of closure on the Pete Rose joke, I had a big long thing where he saves his game in Armadillo and then realizes he’s low on health and has no ammo or money, so he can’t recover and has to start all over. That took up like three times the length of the Dugout just to get to a “you saved your game and have to live with the consequences” gag. I did you a favor! [The Dugout]

Bubba Smith, 1945-2011: A Video Tribute - We believe you guys, so we wont dispute you. But if you’re lying to us, we’ll come back and shoot you. Word. [With Leather]

How To Get Body Dysmorphia: Attend The Crossfit Games - Don’t forget to flip through Matt Ufford’s photo essay one more time today, so you feel like sh** about yourself all weekend. Still reminding myself about how brains are more important than muscles well into adulthood. Didn’t think I’d have to keep doing that. [With Leather]

Not Sports

10 TV Characters Who Should Die For The Good Of The Show - I wish “Scrubs” was on, so my contribution to this list could be “everyone who has ever appeared on Scrubs, both on television and in real life”. That clears out Zach Braff, fake Becky from “Roseanne” AND the plastic-faced version of Drew Carey’s ex-girlfriend. And Brendan Fraser! [Warming Glow]

The Four Most Ridiculous Sci-Fi Sexpisodes: When Aliens Force Our Heroes to Do It - “Sexpisodes”. When a character gets raped on a TV show, does it happen in a Rape-isode? I’m going to start saying all those HBO shows feature Buttf**kisodes. [Gamma Squad]

The Best of the Internet’s Lovefest with Shark Week, Obviously - I think sharks are pretty cool too, I guess, but jeez. Shark Week was pretty cool back when Kelly Clarkson was the American Idol. Yes, I am a snarky Shark Week Hipster. [UPROXX]

The Top 10 Highest Grossing Films Of Summer (So Far) - (1) The Smurfs, (2) The Snorks, (3) Goober and the Ghost Chasers (with the voice talents of Ricky Gervais and Lil Bow Wow), (4) Speed Buggy (gritty reimagining, stars Jason Statham), (5) Wacky Races (stars Ludacris, is extremely preachy, might win Best Picture), (6) Scooby-Doo Rises (Shaggy has leather and chain-mail bodysuit). [Film Drunk]

It looks like Alex Rodriguez is going to be in a lot of trouble. Well, a little trouble. Okay, no trouble whatsoever.

Via ESPN, who can get their own hyperlinks:

Major League Baseball is taking “very seriously” the allegations that Alex Rodriguez took part in some illegal, underground poker games, one of which reportedly turned violent, and he could face suspension if his participation in the games is confirmed.

“We take this very seriously and have been investigating this matter since the initial allegation,” MLB said in a statement. “As part of the investigation, the commissioner’s office will interview Mr. Rodriguez.”

Of course, no investigation would be necessary if Major League Baseball would just moderate their own chatrooms. Today The Dugout has an exclusive look at Alex Rodriguez’s sexy dangerous parties in the seedy underbelly of high-stakes poker. Man, I’m going to get him in so much trouble. I feel like Sports By Brooks!

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Nomar Mazara: top row, third from the right, I think.

The Texas Rangers, who made it to the World Series last season after spending years under the iron fist of a moron owner before being purchased by Nolan Ryan and other guys who don’t matter, are currently tied for first in the American League West with the Anaheim Angels of Anaheim, California-Los Angeles Berkeley South Angels, but they’re already thinking ahead to the future. Far ahead, actually. On Saturday, the Rangers signed 16-year old Dominican Republic prospect Nomar Mazara and gave him a record $5 million signing bonus. Hooray Capitalism!

“It’s fair to say we planned to be active in the international amateur market this year, consistent with our goal of adding the best talent possible in all arenas,” [Rangers GM Jon] Daniels said. “Our scouts have put in a lot of work to put us in position to do just that, and ownership continues to support us. Can’t say enough about both groups’ commitment to seeing us win.” (ESPN)

Of course we can joke about the Rangers showing a commitment to winning by signing a 16-year old kid who probably won’t be ready for at least 5 years, but Mazara is supposedly 6-foot-5 and mashes the ball from the left side of the plate. So if my Dominican-to-American Age Calculator app on my iPad is correct, he’s actually 51.

The Oakland Athletics signed Dominican pitcher Michael Ynoa with a then-record $4.25 million bonus in 2008, and the 19-year old phenom is currently recovering from Tommy John surgery that he required after throwing nine whole innings in the Arizona League. But I’m sure that Mazara will be fine.

From the illegal aliens working in the kitchens of baseball’s biggest stars comes “Diamond Dishes,” a cookbook written by the wife of the monstrous, colored-lenses troll who owns the Florida Marlins. It is also the worst David Bowie album ever. Of course, “writing a cookbook” is like producing a movie, or inking a comic book. You’re just taking a hi res picture of yourself smiling while putting a fork in your mouth and pasting it to the back of a bunch of recipes. I’ve seen the Screech’s Secret Sauce episode of Saved by the Bell, I know how this works.

And man, is there anything worse in the world than when baseball players try to be “human?” Like when they record albums? I know you don’t walk around your house wearing a gigantic plain pastel blue sweater, Travis Hafner, you wear Affliction shirts and Under Armour and this picture of you holding a pie isn’t going to convince me differently.

Today’s Dugout is about cookbooks, and why they are so awesome.

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Cameron Diaz was on Kimmel, and instead of boring everyone with talk of her new movie she decided to talk about porn. Cameron Diaz, apparently, loves porn, which sounds better than having sex with A-Rod who, remember, was busted for so-called PEDs in 2005. His balls are probably the size of Skittles right now. Yeah, hotel room porn sounds a lot better than actual sex with that guy.

via Ben Maller.

One of the highlights this Super Bowl (well, a highlight compared to the Black Eyed Peas’ halftime show AMIRIGHT) was seeing Cameron Diaz’s feeding session with Alex Rodriguez in one of the boxes at Cowboys Stadium reserved for really rich people. They eat popcorn sloppily just like us!

Well, apparently someone informed Rodriguez that his snacking moment was caught and shown to everyone watching the Super Bowl, and he’s not very happy about it.
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