Of course the only picture I could find of Alex Rodriguez's doctor has Nick Nolte in it.

New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently took a little trip to Germany to meet with Dr. Peter Wehling, who is the former doctor of Pope John Paul II and the guy who made Kobe Bryant’s knee feel better last year. Wehling is operating on – or has operated on, depending on the time zone difference – Rodriguez’s knee and shoulder, which have both been hampering the All-Star’s ability to perform at the level of a man who is paid $27.5 million per year. If you’re a Yankees fan, you should probably feel good about this because Wehling has a reputation for being legit.

And Wehling knows that his reputation is great, because he also makes some pretty ridiculous claims like:

“I am the only one to have found a way to cure arthritis,” he said. (Via ESPN)

I couldn’t ever become a doctor because if I see blood, I turn into a 3-year old girl. But if I were a doctor, I would want to be like Wehling. Whether he can or can’t cure arthritis won’t mean much to me for another decade or so, but if I had been the man responsible for keeping Pope J.P. the Deuce alive until the ripe age of 85, I’d be a little boastful, too.

Like, I’d walk into bars and tell the first hot girl I saw that she looks like she might have Shlarvenblarvenblitis, and she’d say, “I don’t know what that is, is it deadly?” And I’d respond, “It could be, but the only way to cure it is for you to rub your breasts in my face.” Then I’d high five the Pope and tell A-Rod to sock a few dingers.

Buzzfeed’s headline “An Idiot Got A Tim Tebow Tattoo [PIC]” is all you need to know, because seriously, what else is there to say? This guy got Tim Tebow as a centaur in a football helmet (and nothing else, it should be noted) with “Tebow Time” above it tattooed on his body. I’m not sure where on his body, exactly, but judging by the flat area and body hair I’d have to guess “his forehead”.

Thanks to this Internet Stranger, Tebow joins Alex Rodriguez in the “sports guys who have at one point been a centaur” category of our brains. Maybe it’s because he plays for a horse-themed team? If he played for the Eagles this tattoo would be of Tebow as a griffin? And then he could get traded to the Lions, and the guy would have to get a cover-up and depict Tebow as a chimera? Regardless, I really want to use Kratos to kill this guy now.

And is it just me, or is the cursive somehow the worst part?

[h/t to Robopanda]

The St. Louis Cardinals won Game 7 of the World Series on Friday to secure the franchise’s 11th title (11 in ’11 is not ironic, despite what Shane Victorino thinks) and they had a whopping 48 hours or so to enjoy it before the entire world crumbled around them. Yesterday morning, Tony LaRussa announced his retirement after 33 years of managing and three World Series wins (16 and 2 with the Cardinals, respectively). Instead of celebrating an incredibly improbable championship run, Cardinals players and fans now wonder, “Who will be the next manager and will it affect whether or not Albert Pujols stays?”

Only one man – St. Louis GM John Mozeliak – knows the answer to that first question, and only one man – Albert Pujols – knows the answer to the second question. Granted, his agent, wife and kids probably know, but he’s the only man who matters for right now. That doesn’t mean, though, that every sports writer, blogger and Internet commenter on Earth won’t make predictions, some of them accurate and most of them way off base. First up, former Cardinal and the grittiest shortstop ever, David Eckstein.

“Albert would stay if (Jose) Oquendo got the job.”

“My initial reaction (after learning of La Russa’s retirement) was, ‘It needs to be Jose Oquendo,’” Eckstein said. “When you played for Tony, you didn’t want to disappoint him. When I was playing infield for Jose, I didn’t want to disappoint him. I know how much he has put into this. When you can get a player to play outside of himself, for someone else, that’s when you get the best out of a player.”

(Via Fox Sports)

LaRussa has long lobbied for Oquendo to get his shot at managing a big league ballclub, and he certainly has a nice foundation and situation in St. Louis. He makes sense as a replacement, as the fans and players love him. But that really doesn’t mean much of anything.

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It’s hard to believe that anything is going to top my new favorite sports meme in the world, Excited Soccer Kid, but the above picture of Alex Rodriguez caught my eye and I could only think, “Oh this is begging for it.” Basically, A-Rod was out and about the other day, paying for his parking, when he spotted a photographer and suddenly became camera shy. You could almost say he struck out for some privacy. *holds hand up, waits for a high five*

Of course we all know that A-Rod has a very peculiar social history, between his appreciation of manlier women (including his latest squeeze, Ella Magers) and always living in Derek Jeter’s shadow. But if Creepin’ A-Rod has taught me anything, it’s that he’s so much stranger than we thought we knew.

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LOL, bye guys.

Links

A Cruel End To A Surprising Season - Or as I like to call it, “the only good way for a season to end”. This is one of the few recaps of last night’s game coming out of New York to not feature the phrase “fill Yankee Stadium with the blood of our players and management”. [NY Times]

Adidas x Derrick Rose Behind The Scenes Of “The Bull” - This commercial would’ve been hilarious if it’d began with Rose being herded through the streets while people screamed and taunted him, then ended with him being stabbed to death by like four guys who aren’t even the bullfighter. [Smoking Section]

Football Guys: Arian Foster Analyzes Modern Traffic Infrastructure - If you aren’t reading Football Guys, Jon Bois’ football equiv to The Dugout, you are a dumb. I am geographically entitled to share every Football Guys about the Texans, btw. [SBN]

UFC 136 Cut List: 6 Fighters Who Need A Win Saturday Night - Don’t all of them need a win? I wish I knew how MMA worked. [Cage Potato]

The Path Of Mark Henry: An Inspirational Story of Splitting Wigs - From waste-of-time joke to the most hilariously awesome pro wrestler in the world, revisit the bizarre 15-year journey of The World’s Strongest Man, and try to forget about the whole “had sex with his sister” thing. [4th Letter]

CHIKARA Pro Wrestling In Tennessee - And speaking of wrestling, if you’re a wrestling fan who lives in NC or TN and you aren’t at this weekend’s CHIKARA shows, you need a lobotomy. KANA vs. Sara Del Rey, for crying out loud. If you’re there, be sure to find me and say hi. [CHIKARA]

10 Better Ways to Spend 4 ‘Kardashian Wedding’ Hours - 1. Stabbing self in crotch, 2. immolation, 3. marathon of “Scrubs” on Comedy Central (just kidding about that last one) [AOL TV]

‘The League’ Multipanes Are The Best - leeloo dallas multipane [UPROXX]

Top Ten Real People I’d Never Want to Be Stuck In a Cage With - Pretty sure I don’t want to be stuck in a cage with anybody. Except maybe the Smashing Pumpkins, for the jokes. [Brobible]

Anna Faris’ Husband Chris Pratt Gave Their Cat Away On Twitter - Scott Hatteberg counts as sports! I like that he’s “Anna Faris’ Husband Chris Pratt”, as if he isn’t in movies and on television shows. Yeah, The House Bunny is too big of a star for me to accept you on your own merits, Chris. [FARK]

25 Actors And Celebrities You Didn’t Know Appeared In ‘Star Trek’ - James Worthy should’ve worn his goggles over the make-up. Also, sadly I have dated enough uncool girls to know about all these people being on Star Trek. [Gamma Squad]

Frotcast 68: Real Steel, Burnsy’s Corner - Boxing robots! I can’t wait for this to be in theaters, I feel like I’ve been watching trailers and seeing commercials for it since I was born. [Film Drunk]

Aw, NBC Canceled ‘Free Agents’ :( - Just cancel everything and show “Home Improvement” re-runs. More power arf arf arf [Warming Glow]

Brandon and I were trading emails yesterday, discussing our respective regional weather calamities (me = underwater, him = on fire), when he asked if I could help him out with a feature or a couple posts today. I responded, “I’ll try to do a feature if I see something worthwhile. I promise. If not I’ll probably end up doing something stupid like a series of five posts about my favorite Phillies players and what I think they smell like. (CHASE UTLEY SMELLS LIKE GRITS BEHCUZ HE’S GRITTY!)” I then went to bed laughing to myself about what a funny joke I just told, and tried to think about something that I could turn into a feature.

However, because Brandon is a delightful maniac, not only did he thank me for offering to help, he strongly encouraged me to follow through with my joke idea. So here we are. Instead of just doing Phillies, however, I’ve branched out to cover the whole major leagues. This is easily the stupidest and/or best thing I’ve ever done.

[Ed. note -- Be sure to tell us what you think players who didn't make Danger's list probably smell like in the comments section. The best one wins a prize, which will probably be scratch-n-sniff stickers]

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