Washington Redskins defensive pancake eater Albert Haynesworth is back in the news after being sued for child support. Silvia Mena, described as a “Salma Hayek lookalike” and an “exotic dancer” from Brooklyn, has filed a $10 million lawsuit, claiming that Haynesworth impregnated her and hasn’t helped her pay any of her medical bills.

The papers allege that Haynesworth — who signed a $100 million contract with the Redskins last year — has refused to talk to her since late March or give her any money toward her medical bills.

Ah, there’s that big contract again. Not exactly relevant to the story, but it’s nice kindling for the outrage of mothers everywhere.

Mena, 25, alleges Haynesworth, 28, met her in Miami, romanced her during Super Bowl week, and invited her to his Tennessee home. She claims in the documents that after learning about the pregnancy, Haynesworth promised to “emotionally and financially support Silvia.” But, “after making such promises . . . Haynesworth has abandoned the pregnant Sylvia Mena . . . He has refused to provide any emotional or financial support of Silvia Mena or his unborn child.” –NY Post.

This is going to make me sound less than wonderful, but I’m fresh out of sympathy for these poor, innocent, Selma Hayek lookalikes that just so happened to get intimate with millionaire athletes. Besides, a true professional like Haynesworth would never shirk on any of his responsibilities. He’d never shirk. He’s not the shirking type. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot and a shirker, but he is not a porn star.

But yeah, if I was in front of a well with a stripper on one side and a lawyer on the other, I don’t know which one I’d throw in first. Probably the lawyer. Strippers are easy to chase down. It’s the heels, really.

Washington Redskins defensive lineman and 2009 free agency darling Albert Haynesworth seems to be upset about a lot of things. The $100 million dollar man has griped about his injured ankle, his role in the Washington defense, the shortage of Whoppers in the team fridge, and now he’s sitting out of offseason workouts. He’s the only one missing OTAs, and Redskins defensive end Phillip Daniels did not mince words about his feelings.

“From what I’m told, he can play the end spot,” Daniels said. “I’ve called him and told him that. The thing is, we have 100 percent participation if he is here. It’s now 99. He’s got to be here.”

“There is no room for negotiation at 4-12,” he added, speaking of the team’s woeful record last season. “I’m here, [London] Fletcher’s here, everybody’s here,” Daniels added. “He’s got to understand that. We need him to come here, be here and show these young guys that the veterans have bought in and that we want to win games.” –Mike Wise/WaPo.

I’m torn on the idea of Organized Team Activities in the offseason. Yeah, your team needs to get better, but at the same time, they just spent six months beating the crap out of each other (and the rest of the NFL). That said, I’d hate to be the only guy not there, especially if I was the highest-paid. But that doesn’t fly with Mike Shanahan, who would climb into your bedroom window and read your playbook to you at bedtime if he could. Hey, as long as he doesn’t hog the blankets at night, I’m cool with it.

In the wake of being sent home from practice because he was tardy for the party, ‘Skins defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth is putting his squad on blast.  More specifically, his sights are set on coordinator Greg Blache whose scheme doesn’t allow him to bring the ruckus with the rush as he did in his tenure with the Titans.

“They don’t want to take input. They don’t,” Haynesworth said. “[Blache] . . . doesn’t want to change. I mean, I’m watching film, it’s like, ‘Dude, this day and age, you get killed the way that we’re running stuff.’ And we’ve got way more talent [than the Titans].–Washingtonpost.com

And good ol’ Albie isn’t the first one to gripe about Blache.  Though he’s regarded as one of the NFL’s “top defensive minds”, less media-friendly teammates are supposedly whispering like school girls in the locker room as well.  In addition, now-Dolphin Jason Taylor wasn’t exactly Blache’s BFF in his 2008 season (and only season) with Washington either.

The numbers don’t lie: heading into Sunday night’s game at 4-10, something is clearly lacking in their gameplan.  Since their defense doesn’t even crack the top 10, the 350-pound DT’s squawkings just may hold some weight.  Haynesworth feels that his tardiness was punished because “they’re all against [him] or whatever,” but really, I think they all just need to hug it out.  With maybe a little reach around.

NFL free agency has started with a bang. Reports are out that Albert Haynesworth will sign with the Washington Redskins in blockbuster deal worth $100 million or so over seven years. And SI.com is reporting that the ‘Skins are also shelling out $54 mil for troublemaking cornerback DeAngelo Hall. And then Dan Snyder went out and spent five bucks for a pack of gum, and then took one piece out of the pack and threw the rest away. That guy really hates gum. Allegedly.

In other free agent news, Manny Ramirez turned down a one-year offer that would have paid him $25 million this year. And then like 93 girls wanted to have sex with him and he turned all of them down. Why does everybody hate gum? What did gum ever do to you people?

SITE NEWS: Saint Andrew’s Net will run around noon today. Because I’m your father, that’s why!

The NFL suspended Titans DT Albert Haynesworth five games without pay for his Andre Gurode face-stomping on Sunday. The punishment is more than twice as severe than any previous on-field incident, which is saying a lot when you figure in offensive things like Sean Taylor spitting and Brian Urlacher's barbed wire tattoo.

The suspension is going to cost Haynesworth about $190,000, which might seem like a lot to you disgusting sweaty masses but is really just a drop in the bucket for aloof millionaires like Albert and me. Besides, the government was going to get a lot of that anyway. The government is the real loser here. Gurode gets a badass scar, Haynesworth gets a month of vay-cay, but the government misses out on $80,000 of tax revenue. I just hope it's the NEA that gets stiffed and not our troops in Iraq.

What's that? The NEA's been systematically dismantled? Well, that should teach 'em for becoming artists. They shoulda majored in business like their Dad told 'em to.

If you've had a TV on any time during the last 12 hours or so, you probably saw this. Titans DT Albert Haynesworth kicked Cowboys C Andre Gurode in the face as Gurode lay on the turf with his helmet off after a Julius Jones touchdown. Haynesworth, apparently displeased with merely kicking a man when he was down, followed it up with a facial stomp. Gurode needed a gazillion stitches to sew his face back together.

Now, I'm a fan of unnecessary violence in almost all aspects of life, but I think this might have been over the line. The Riverdance kick-stomp combo would have been a great move if they were playing in the Thunderdome and not LP Field.

I know getting kicked in the face must suck, but at least Gurode is going to come out of this with some sweet facial scars. I'm actually a little jealous. I want some facial scars. My handsome-to-badass ratio is weighted far too much toward the handsome.