On a day when sports news is dominated by child molestation, I’d like to lighten the mood a little by presenting two sports guys who can’t stop calling people names on the Internet.

The first, former Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Oakland Raiders defensive tackle Warren Sapp, reacted to yesterday’s release of New England Patriots defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth by calling Albert a turd. Exhibit A:

When Belichick gave Haynesworth a chance this season, Sapp figured he might be the only coach left who could get Haynesworth to increase his level of play after two disastrous years with the Redskins.

“If anybody can, [Belichick] can,” Sapp told NESN.com. “The last thing you want to do is show up and be a turd that Belichick cuts. But that’s what he was.”

Exhibit number 2 (cough):

“So when Bill got him — I love Belichick, I love that defense, I love everything about the man — but you can’t make a turd out of something that he’s not. He’s a turd.

You can read the entire interview with Sapp over at NESN, but that’s the digested meat and potatoes of it. Warren Sapp, a guy who would never let money motivate him to do something like dance alongside Kim Kardashian and Jefferson from ‘Married … With Children’ on a gameshow, calling Albert Haynesworth, a man who would never do something for the wrong reasons (like slide his credit card down a woman’s cleavage), feces.

The second incident of the day comes from Stephon Marbury, a man who identifies himself openly as a PEACE STAR, ripping Michael Jordan in a way not too dissimilar from Tracy Morgan as Harry Belefonte on SNL calling Osama Bin Laden an Uncle Tom:

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In a situation that calls for both 1,000 and zero jokes, Washington Redskins defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth has been officially charged with misdemeanor sexual abuse for ordering food at a hotel, then paying for it in the grossest possible way. According to the U.S. attorney’s office, there is government evidence showing Haynesworth sliding a credit card down the front of a server’s dress and fondling her breast. As a former food server, I can confirm that this is not Hospitaliano.

A grand jury returned an indictment on Tuesday, and if convincted, Haynesworth faces a $1,000 fine and up to six months in jail. From the AP report:

Haynesworth’s attorney, A. Scott Bolden, called the charge disappointing and regretful and said it would be a difficult case for the government to prove. Haynesworth is innocent and several witnesses would vouch that the alleged conduct never happened, Bolden said.

“We maintain his innocence, and now the fight begins,” Bolden said.

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The NFL’s highest-paid defensive player now has some extra time to shop for the Holidays. The Washington Redskins have deactivated defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth for the balance of their season, essentially ending the standoff between the former Tennessee Titan and Mike Shanahan, still in his first year on the job as head coach.

I’ve heard some rumblings that Mike Shanahan acts like a tyrant for little more than his own amusement, but really, what the hell else is he supposed to be? If he’s asking a subordinate, one getting paid handsomely at that, to do a job, and that guy says no, then what the hell is he supposed to do? You don’t roll out a burgandy-and-gold carpet for a guy that doesn’t fall in line. His refusal to cave into Haynesworth’s demands should be commended as a testament to the foundation that he’s attempting to build with the organization.

That’s not to say that the coach’s people skills are to be commended. The Redskins (5-7) are going to miss the playoffs again this year, and one could point to Shanahan’s handing of Donovan McNabb as the start of Where It All Went Wrong. Washington is 1-3 since the benching, and claims that Shanahan might have lost his team by sending Rex Grossman into what was still a winnable game against Detroit in Week 8.

Shanahan’s problem isn’t that he can’t coach, it’s that his tactics eventually p:ss everyone off. He got fired from Denver after an 8-8 season. You think Pat Bowlen wouldn’t shoot his mother in the face for an 8-8 season right now? He just fired Josh McDaniels, who traded away the assets that Shanahan actually had secured there, and his organization is now getting lapped by the Raiders. Mike Shanahan doesn’t look like such a big problem now. Only time will tell if the Redskins will feel the same way.

As the “Will He Or Won’t He” saga seems to have reached it logical conclusion for this season, the Ballad Of Albert Haynesworth doesn’t seem to be ending anytime soon. While Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre only saw the field for four plays in his first preseason game of 2010 last night, Haynesworth was relegated to the third-string during his Redskins’ weekend tilt with the Ravens. Haynesworth also accused his team of spreading misinformation about his health during the week.

Haynesworth reported for training camp on time (and paid the price for missing OTAs with those ridiculously-overpublicized sprints). Meanwhile, Favre received an All-Pro escort back to the Vikings more than a week after their camp ended. Favre missed all of their OTAs, too.

The headline wasn’t meant to imply “Why can’t Big Al be having a little more fun out there” so much as “How come Favre gets away with this foolishness and Haynesworth doesn’t?” Some people have cited racism as the impetus for this double standard. That’s crap, but don’t expect a beat writer to get into the complexities of the issue. Read the rest of this entry »

Washington Redskins owner and known football genius, Dan Synder, gave the conditioning test the ol’ college try, but much like his star defensive lineman, came up short. In a recent interview with Hogs Haven, Danny let the world know about the most grueling test he’s taken since the SATs.

In fact, Kevin and I went into the interview with zero intention of bringing up, for example, Albert Haynesworth. We felt it would be more newsworthy if we didn’t ask any Haynesworth questions. But sure enough, the first thing Dan asked us was if we came there to talk Haynesworth. We informed him of our decision to lay off the topic due to being completely tired of talking about it but there continues to be no escape from the subject. Since he brought it up, we asked him if he had passed the conditioning test.

DAN: First of all, it is hard. A couple years back, I tell London Fletcher I am going to run this thing. He gets me a pair of cleats and I go out there and try to do it. (laughing pretty hard) I am no athlete. London was just about peeing his pants he was laughing so hard at me as I dry-heaved. I felt like I was going to die. –Hogs Haven

Good to see that Dan can pal around with the guys on the team. Vinny Cerrato didn’t leave the team because of his piss poor performance, but because Dan Synder had his underwear run up a flag pole daily. Vinny could constantly be found crying in his office because the never ending barrage of wedgies left some painful chafing. Former NFL player and ESPN personality Mike Golic was able to finish the test in time, and he’s a fat dad with college age kids. Video after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

The Washington Redskins conditioning test was designed for one player on its roster, and that player would be $100 million defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth. Redskins head coach Mike Shanahan admitted as much yesterday after his prize pig failed the two-part test (which allegedly involved sprints of 300 yards) and was subsequently held out of team drills.

“The bottom line is that we’re going to get him in shape,” Shanahan said of the requirement that Haynesworth reportedly complete two 300-yard shuttle runs. “If he’s going to be on our football team and he’s going to play at the level we’d like him to play, then he’s got to be in great football shape. Hopefully he’ll get it done tomorrow, but it may take two or three days, it may take a week. I really don’t know. His weight is fine. We’ve just got to get that cardio at a certain level to make sure he doesn’t injure himself.” –PFT.

That said, the insider perspective is that Shanahan just wanted to bust Haynesworth’s balls for missing mini-camp and show him who was in charge. Haynesworth is already behind in terms of learning his new defense, and while it’s great that he came to camp significantly slimmer than last season, he still has to please the boss. It’s like when you come home late after drinking and your girlfriend force feeds you eggs in the morning until you throw up in her hallway. Except different.