In case you’d forgotten that Alabama sports fans still think “you are gay” is the best possible insult for rival teams, feast your proud, heterosexual eyes on these Spanish Fort High School students and their “Purple? Man, that’s GAY” sign. Hold on, the reason for this is really complex and I don’t want to lose you — rival school Daphne wears purple uniforms, which makes them homeauxs. Or whatever.

If that wasn’t enough, ESPN’s broadcast of the Spanish Fort/Daphne game also featured a giant DAPHNE, ISN’T THAT A GIRL’S NAME banner, cementing the idea that Daphne High School is full of not only gays, but gay ladies. As Jason at Sportress Of Blogitude points out, the worst part isn’t the rampant, regressive homophobia or the casual misogyny of rednecks, it’s that somebody played a football team named “Daphne” and didn’t Scooby-Doo Joke the shit out of them.

Maybe Scooby-Doo is too dated of a reference. If so, and if you’re gonna be a gay-bashing moron anyway, at least start blasting “Single Ladies” and pull one of these routines:

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Usually when a school in the deep south wants to insult a rival, they print out a bunch of stickers of Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes pissing on their logo or something and plaster them on the windows of their trucks, and an entire school of rednecks end up with a child urinating on their car forever and we move on with our lives. Unfortunately for the University of Alabama, some enterprising soul has decided to take the “lol look you got peed on” joshing to a weird, hate crimey place.

The report, from the unfortunately named UnicornBooty.com:

In preparation of their upcoming game against LSU on January 9, the University of Alabama is selling t-shirts promoting a hate crime. The plan is for thousands of Alabama Crimson Tide fans to flood Bourbon Street, home to some of the oldest gay watering holes in the country, dressed in t-shirts that read:

HEY HOMEAUXS – WE JUST BEAT THE HELL OUT OF YOU.

As if using violent assaults against LGBT victims as a pun to sell college football merchandise wasn’t bad enough, the printer’s French is also atrocious. Aux is already plural, and in no need of an S.

Thank goodness LSU’s mascot isn’t the “black” something, I guess.

The comments section of the mythical creature’s ass contains a conversation with someone claiming to be the creator of the shirt, rationalizing that he didn’t realize gay people would be offended by “hey faggot I’m going to murder you” and noting that the shirts are a response to some fans from a few years ago wearing “Alabama Fans Are Homeauxs” shirts to games. He’s very sorry. And while it’s pretty easy to believe a guy from Alabama could be super stupid instead of homophobic, it’s interesting to consider why a Louisiana team would think calling a Tuscaloosa team with a vaginal bleeding euphemism for a mascot “homos” with a Frenglish spelling is beyond me. I’m gonna stick with “he’s an inbred goon and thought this was hilarious”.

Meet Kimberly, Alabama’s Vince Gilham, the 44-year-old Jefferson County deputy who won The Birmingham News’ “Ultimate Man Cave” contest, Tide Rolling country’s “quest to find the most elaborate set-up to watch college football on Saturdays”. Vince works part-time and his wife was laid off 18 months ago, but he spent a reported $35,000 on the cave, including leather recliners, Bear Bryant mannequins and three rolls of Legion Field AstroTurf to serve as carpet.

In case you’re the type who assumes writing for a sports blog means I think this is awesome, I present to you the following snippet from AL.com‘s report:

Ultimately, man caves boil down to this: “The only rules here,” said John Graves, a good friend of Vince’s, “are Vince’s rules.”

Also, “no black people”.

Pam Gilham, Vince’s wife, doesn’t just go along. She thinks it’s fun. “Every man should have his own cave,” she said in a remark that will endear herself to men everywhere.

If you use “heh” on the Internet or the word “babes” in real life, you may not be aware that most grown-up adult men do not need a “man cave” because they live in homes and are one-half of partnerships that should probably allow both people to live in peace. The age of that King of Queens style of marriage where the lady puts floral-print couches in the living room and has tea parties for the Colored Hat Society while the guy is a fat nimrod who loves his football and can’t wait to pal around with “the guys” should be f**king over, and the only thing more depressing than a guy with a man cave is a guy who says “man cave”.

Believe it or not, this is the first “can you believe this guy from Alabama” story that doesn’t hinge on him being from Alabama. Although the phrase “see some of Alabama’s man caves” is concerning.

“The only drawback to our man cave is we don’t have bathroom facilities,” Vince said. “If we had that, it would be top top-notch.”

Heh!

[h/t Fark]