Earlier this month we reported that Egyptian strongman al-Sayed al-Essawy was in training to boost Egyptian tourism by killing a full-grown African lion with his bare hands at the foot of the Pyramids at Giza. Sounds like a plan, right? Well, the fight went down, and it wasn’t exactly Hercules of Yore, unless the whole “Hercules” thing is exaggerated and he just fed a donkey to the Lernean Hydra and sat around waiting for it to fall asleep.

Here’s the video recap, followed by a quick rundown of carny lies:

1. al-Essawy claimed he was going to fight a lion with his bare hands, but went into the ring dressed like a Three Wishes dot com Halloween gladiator, carrying a pronged spear, a machete, a shield and a dagger.

2. When you say “I’m going to fight a lion” people assume you mean “a wild lion that will be trying to fight me back”, not a lion you paid for yourself and fed an “entire donkey” (credit to one of the onlookers).

3. When you say “I want to fight a lion in front of the pyramids” people assume you mean “I’m going to battle a lion in the desert in front of the pyramids”, not “I’m going to fight a lion in the same general country as pyramids”.

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Because bullfighting isn’t weird and barbaric enough, Egyptian strongman al-Sayed al-Essawy (Arabic for “I said I’m sorry”) plans to fight a full-grown African lion in front of the Pyramids at Giza, claiming that “the world will flock to see the Egyptian man who defeated a lion with his bare hands.”

“After the revolution, with the economy the way it is, I’ve been given the perfect opportunity to realize my dream,” he says.

Well, I’m glad those people were fighting for something. I think we can all empathize with el-Essaway’s dream. When I was a kid, I wanted to one day strangle an adult elephant in the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, but our stupid economy stayed strong and I never got the chance. At the risk of just copying and pasting the entire hilarious, awful article from Time’s NewsFeed, al-Sayed discovered his “incredible strength” at age 13 and promised himself he’d fight a lion. He explains: “If America, or any other country, had a man with the ability to combat the strongest creature on the planet, they would properly promote him, and use his strength to their advantage.”

So how has el-Essaway been training for his big day? Why, by fighting dogs, of course!

To no great surprise, several animal rights groups have taken issue with al-Essawy’s plans, fueled by his revelations that he fights dogs to prepare for the battle. He defends his actions by saying that he won’t be armed and will only kill the lion if it’s, “a matter of life and death.” When the publication raised the obvious question of when fighting a lion isn’t a matter of life and death, he replied, “It’s up to the lion. If he chooses to withdraw, or surrender, and lets me tie him up, then I will not kill him and the fight will end.”

I’m pretty sure this guy is going to put on a vest and come to America to bury Spider-Man alive at some point in his life.