"And I was like, 'Die, 9ers fan!' It was great, you would have loved it."

When the Cincinnati Bengals selected TCU’s Andy Dalton in the second round of this year’s NFL Draft, it was a clear indication that the Carson Palmer era was over for them. Palmer demanded a trade but Bengals President Mike Brown refused to reward his franchise QB by sending him elsewhere to win. Thus, Palmer retired and Brown made it clear for the past six months that he was not going to trade the guy who took them to the playoffs a whopping 2 times.

And yesterday, of course, Brown traded Palmer to the Oakland Raiders. If his goal was to punish Palmer, Brown failed. Miami probably would have made a similar deal. Instead, Palmer winds up with the 4-2 Raiders, who are seemingly stocked with young talent on offense. Take that, crybaby!

“For the past six weeks I thought I was retired,” Palmer said after being introduced to media as a Raider on Tuesday. “Week 1 hit and I thought, I’ve got to look elsewhere and find what the next phase of my life might be. Then I got the text from Hue.

“I’m ready to go. I’m excited… I’m excited to be a part of this organization.”

(Via USA Today)

Palmer is clearly excited, as the 31-year old gets a fresh start to show that he’s more than just a guy who once won a Pro Bowl MVP. But Raiders coach Hue Jackson is beyond excited, as he grabbed the hyperbole gun and started firing bullets of awesome into our faces.

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"Haha, I'm toally gonna stay in school."

Now that “Suck For Luck” is a full blown ordeal – there’s even a Twitter account devoted to it – it’s very amusing to see the general NFL fan’s reaction to the idea that teams might tank some games to secure the guy every analyst this side of Mel Kiper’s phallic eagle swoop is calling the next John Elway.

It’s public knowledge now that both Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay and Miami Dolphins majority owner Stephen Ross have expressed interest in acquiring Luck in the draft. So the rational school of thought for the average fan – I’d probably estimate an I.Q. of 75 – is that two teams of professional athletes, who are boisterous, arrogant and proud, will waste an entire season of their professional careers so they can put their fates in the hands of a guy from Stanford.

There are two things about this, as a Miami Dolphins fan, that crack me up:

1) Why on Earth would Tony Sparano and his coaching staff kowtow to Ross, who openly courted Jim Harbaugh to replace him? Why would Sparano fill the cupboard with elite talent only to have it handed to Bill Cowher in the spring?

2) And do you really think that Brandon Marshall would keep his mouth shut if someone told him to flop on some plays? He’d be demanding trades and stomping his feet to the point that Terrell Owens would be like, “Dude, chill.” Besides, he looked just fine flopping on his own last night.

Now the Colts on the other hand, they seem like they would do it and not give a crap. After all, if any of their older guys complain, they can easily be traded for draft picks. I’m sure that thought is cemented firmly in Irsay’s mind. That’s why, as I was perusing Twitter during last night’s Monday Night Football game, there was a hilarious double standard at work.

If the Colts lose a game, they get to blame Peyton Manning’s injury and nobody thinks twice. But if the Dolphins lose, they’re just sucking on purpose to get Luck. I have some news for you all – Miami really is that terrible. It’s just funny that people seem more willing to allow the Colts to put Luck behind Manning, like they’re being dumped by Marisa Miller while preparing for their date with Kate Upton.

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The Oakland Raiders (as opposed to the Poughkeepsie Raiders) announced the promotion of offensive coordinator Hue Jackson to head coach, and all anyone can talk about is the disgusting head of Raiders owner Al Davis. What the hell is going on with that head? It looks like a zombie blew his nose on it. Yep, that’s all the commentary I have. Oh, and he looks like the Cryptkeeper from that one show. There. Done.

The Hue Jackson hiring should wrap up this year’s NFL coaching carousel, as all six head coaching vacancies in the league have been filled. Former Chargers defensive coordinator Ron Rivera will finally get his shot with the Carolina Panthers. The Panthers let the contract of John Fox expire, which was just fine with the Denver Broncos. Their former coach, Josh McDaniels, is now the offensive coordinator for the St. Louis Rams.

Other news you might have missed: Jim Harbaugh left Stanford for a better job down the street with the Niners. Jason Garrett and Leslie Frazier had their interim tags in Dallas and Minnesota, respectively. And the Browns hired some guy named Pat Schurmur…and I’m pretty sure that’s just a made-up name.

Img as seen on The Wiz Wit.

You might be saying, “Who’s Nnamdi Asomugha?” When you said it, you just mumbled his name too, because you didn’t know how to pronounce it. That’s alright; we’re all human.

Getting back to the point, Asomugha is one of the best cornerbacks in the NFL right now. It’s not like he’s a hidden gem no one knows about though, because he’s been doing well since he was drafted by the Oakland Raiders in 2003. Darrelle Revis and his island gets way more attention, though. Asomugha’s been selected to every Pro Bowl from 2007 to now, and has helped out in the community around him (he was raised in Los Angeles), taking kids on trips to see colleges on the East Coast and giving them school supplies. The people in Oakland have grown fond of him, and he’s a fan favorite to many.

It was thought that Asomugha was locked up for a couple more years due to one of the most expensive contracts given to a defensive back. However, someone looked at the fine print and realized that Asomugha was free to go if he wanted. That person was probably thrown into the alligator pit Al Davis created near his house. It’s a tax write-off.
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Despite amassing a perfect division record and making the Raiders not losers for the first time since they went to the Super Bowl in 2002, Tom Cable was let go yesterday as head coach in Oakland. It’s a shame, as the Raiders were definitely one of the less sucky teams this season, and the players were fully in support of him and his coaching methods.

When punter Shane Lechler heard about cutting Cable (see what I did there?), he was not happy at all. Get it in the coffin corner, Fanhouse:

“I’m not so sure this isn’t a terrible decision,” [Lechler] added, saying he thought Cable’s “no-nonsense” approach was “exactly what we need.” According to Lechler, the move will cause the team’s free agents to not want to re-sign with the squad.

Lechler said he tried to call Al Davis and other executives, but has gotten no response.

“I just want to know what the hell’s going on,” he said. “I just want to know … how do you justify firing somebody when you just went 6-0 in the division and 8-8 in the season after we put in so much as a group, as a unit, as a team with our leader being Tom Cable, how do you just go ahead and whack this guy with, I mean, no reason?”

I fully support his argument. The main objective for the Raiders was to show they can beat anyone in their up-for-grabs AFC West division, and they did it. Giving Cable another season to take the next step would have been the correct decision, and now all the progress Cable built can be potentially ruined by a very impatient Al Davis who just wants to win, baby, before he croaks. I’m just saying, he’s not a farfetched 2011 celebrity death pool pick.

Lechler has the right to speak, since he’s been with the Raiders for all ten seasons of his NFL career and is damn good at it too, accumulating awards including six Pro Bowl selections. Not sure how much it says about your team when one of the most consistent and talented players is the punter, though.

If you’re to believe anything that former Raiders cornerback DeAngelo Hall says, Al Davis made a bit of a hasty hire in selecting Tom Cable to replace Lane Kiffin as his head coach last year. I guess he couldn’t let some other team take him for their head coaching job. From Jerry McDonald’s interview with Hall on Inside The Oakland Raiders (via flubby):

The funniest Al Davis story from his time in Oakland?

Hall: Probably the funniest thing, I was pretty close to Lane Kiffin…and after they fired Lane and were about to announce who the next coach was – I don’t know if you guys saw this in the media world, but I was actually sitting there live, me and a couple other players there in the back. And [Davis] went through this whole spiel of what happened…and said our next coach is Tom Cable, he’s going to be our interim coach. When everybody paused for Tom to come in, like a breakoff. [Davis] goes to the media guide and not even whispering says ‘hey, anyone got any information on this Tom Cable guy, I don’t know where he comes from.’ That’s just vintage Al Davis. Making a move, not really knowing why, no real justification for doing it. But just saying, ‘hey, I want this guy, let’s get him, I’ll figure everything else out later.’ And that’s just how Al Davis is.

Nothing this guy does could surprise us anymore. I don’t know whether to bet that his next hire will be a Muppet, a homeless guy, or just some jagoff from Merced. Fortunately for Davis, Tom Cable is all of those things. Well done, Mr. Davis.