"Looks like it breaks to the right and my caddie is nailing my wife."

Detroit. Baltimore. Compton. Waterbury. It feels like we can’t even go one day without horrifying news of violence from America’s most dangerous cities, but those maniacs in Connecticut are once again making our golf courses more violent than they should be. Rudolph Hermstadt (above), a 37-year old local phenom, apparently got into a fight with his 41-year old caddy in the clubhouse after a round at the East Mountain Golf Course.

Damn it, man, when I say give me the big dog, you give me the mother f*cking big dog!

Police say Hermstadt was captured on a surveillance video choking and punching 41-year-old Jeremy Eterginio of Prospect inside the 19th Hole Cafe at the East Mountain Golf Course on July 22.

Hermstadt told the newspaper the fight stemmed from an argument over Eterginio’s relationship with Hermstadt’s fiance.

He says Eterginio is no longer his caddie or his friend. (Via the Hartford Courant, H/T to Fark)

It’s not the punching of my face or the choking me to death that hurts, it’s that whole not being your friend part. Sometimes the heart is the most vulnerable part of the body.

What I want to know, though, is how pathetic a man must feel to be a 7-time city champion and recent winner of the Mayor’s Cup and find out that his wife is banging his caddy, who is older and presumably not as good at golf. That’s gotta give the other fellas in your foursome some deadly sh*t talk at the tee box.

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You may want to sit down for this news, because it will blow your mind, but apparently Kobe Bryant is trying to get laid again. And at the 2012 Summer Olympics of all places. I mean, the Olympics should be a sacred gathering of the world’s greatest athletes and showcase their talents and determination. But I guess things are bound to get a little screwy – pun originally not intended, but what the hell – when you have companies like Durex practically begging athletes to throw on a raincoat and get down.

As for Bryant, he’s now being called out by Australian women’s hoopster Liz Cambage and Australian swimmer Craig Stevens for trying to get down with Australia’s three-time gold medalist swimmer Stephanie Rice. Cambage Tweeted that Bryant was being a little too friendly with the ladies during these games and pointed out that it might not make his wife, Vanessa, very happy, but she later denied that she was referring to Rice. Stevens, though, just flat out called them on their freaky deaky.

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It has been just over 8 years since Katelyn Faber accused Kobe Bryant of sexual assault. That’s important to note because even despite her husband admitting to having an affair with Faber while denying that he raped her, Vanessa Bryant stood by her man. Kobe paid Faber off, even after she refused to testify, and then we went to Jared’s and bought Vanessa a rock so big that her ring finger needed a personal assistant.

So 8 years later, they’re getting divorced. That begs the question – what the hell could be so much worse than being accused of anal rape that could lead to divorce now?

† Kobe’s latest extra-marital affair was so blatant, the couple’s daughters were said to be in the woman’s presence on a number of occasions and were fully aware their dad was cheating on their mother.

† And the Lakers superstar’s wife learned that Kobe’s many promises to “never do that again” were just a bunch of hooey, and that he laughed off his apologies to her in conversations with his closest friends.

(Via the Chicago Sun-Times)

Hooey, I tell you! Hooey! What else is Hooey? Being worth $300 million and not having a pre-nup. Have we learned nothing from Tiger Woods?

Once again, I will gladly remind all of you aspiring athletes and celebrities that if you’re thinking about getting married, take a good, long, hard look at Kobe and Tiger. Then take one simple glance at Derek Jeter. Then sign a few balls and throw them in the backseat of your car.

After the jump, we remember the Bryants’ marriage. I feel it is best viewed while listening to the greatest love song ever written (with apologies to Tesla).

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