I’m a huge sucker for anything Americana, which is why I’ve often thought that I was born in the wrong era, but then I wouldn’t want to live in any decade that didn’t have the Internet or white rappers. That sh*t would be crazy boring, yo. But with the shameful soul of a hipster, I love to look at the past and admire how easy those schmucks had it, you know, aside from the wars and polio and stuff like that. At least people in the 50s only had newspapers, radio and one TV channel to scare the crap out of them. I shiver thinking about FOX News and MSNBC terrorizing us through the Cold War.

So what’s my point, you ask, well it’s that this morning I fell into one of my typical Internet wormholes thanks to the above image of an ad that Budweiser ran to celebrate Miguel Cabrera becoming the first Major League Baseball player to win the Triple Crown since 1967. Being an old soul, I still think that winning the Triple Crown is an amazing achievement, so I like to ignore the new breed of VORPers and WAR mongers when they say that Miggy shouldn’t win the MVP. But that’s another argument for another day.

I started perusing the webs for other vintage beer ads and I came to several conclusions: 1) Beer companies in the 40s and 50s wanted people to die, because they loved suggesting that people drink while doing things like skiing and riding horses; 2) Being an ad exec back then must have been 10-times cooler than Mad Men suggests; 3) White people, am I right?; and 4) I’m thirsty now.

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Sandwiched between Gangnam Style parodies on The Daily What is the inspirational story of high school goalkeeper Daniel Cui, a kid who turned soccer futility into 10th grade popularity, and eventually into an advertisement about how Facebook changes peoples’ lives.

After freshman goalie Daniel Cui became the scapegoat for a losing season, the whole high school rallied to defend him. More than 100 students changed their profile pictures to a photo of Cui making a save and with newfound confidence, Cui returned the next season to play the game of his life and lead his team to a win.

An outpouring of support on social media isn’t exactly a bunch of kids helping a kid with spastic CP conquer Field Day or anything, but it’s heartwarming as hell, and a step in the right direction for everybody. And sure, it could be a pure marketing campaign and as legit as those FACEBOOK’S GONNA START CHARGING YOU IN NOVEMBER, CLICK HERE TO LEARN HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF chain letters, but I like to think we live in a world where seemingly-isnignificant but personally-amazing stuff like this happens on the reg.

I also hope this predates Linsanity, because I don’t want this poor kid walking into 11th grade wearing an ExCUIsite! t-shirt.

LOL, metaphors.

Last season, the NBA claimed that 22 of the teams had lost money, and now the league and commissioner David Stern have revealed that the majority of teams will again lose their butts in 2012. Thankfully, the result won’t be another lockout, because profits aren’t expected to increase for three more years. Well, fingers crossed anyway.

Unfortunately, there will be repercussions as the league and owners of the small and middle market teams that seem to be bleeding the most cash struggle to find the best idea on how to make some extra coin while remaining competitive. First up? Selling ad space on team jerseys. Hell, the WNBA already started, so why wouldn’t the owners put that on the agenda for next month’s meeting?

A study released last year by Horizon Media calculated that a brand logo across the middle of an NBA team’s jersey occupying 3.5 percent of the TV screen would produce $31.18 million in exposure value.

However, the study did not factor in ancillary exposure on highlights and news shows, nor did it account for any online exposure.

“Jersey ads are one of the last pieces of inventory that club marketers haven’t been able to sell, and for a local sponsor they could be a real boon, since it would give them exposure with a team at home and away,” said Michael Neuman, managing partner of Horizon’s Scout Sports and Entertainment. (Via Sporting News)

A lot of people are going to roll their eyes at this inevitable evolutionary step in sports business, but it’s really not that bad. In fact, I spoke with some league insiders who already had the prototype for the league’s first advertising deals, and the jersey really doesn’t look that bad at all…

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The McCann Ad Agency in Mumbai recently released the above ad for Shivam handloom deep sleep mattresses, which shows a sleeping Tiger Woods dreaming of a bevy of provocatively dressed white women. There’s also an unconscious cameraman, which references Tiger hitting cameraman Mark Pain in the face with a chip shot at the 2010 Ryder Cup (which also gave us this famous image).

But this isn’t the first time that Tiger’s likeness has been used in clever marketing campaigns. Last year, PETA tried to capitalize on his sex scandal with a billboard emphasizing the importance of spaying and neutering pets near his home in Windermere, Florida. While that campaign was scrapped at the request of Tiger’s lawyers, a few others, including Shivam’s mattress ad, have made their way into the mainstream.

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I’m an ass man by personal preference. Sure, you can give me your jugs and your gams and your bleach-blonde hair, but I’ll take a nice can any day of the week, and twice on Sunday. The people at K-Swiss figured this out when they sent Savannah to my door, and Nike is now on the trolley as well. This is a typical Nike ad; they’re not really selling a particular product as much as a particular attitude. And that attitude is, “I like big butts and I cannot lie.” I’m down with that.

Naturally, the bra-burners at Women Talk Sports hate it, calling it “blatantly sexist” and “shameless.” Which strikes me as hilarious, since it’s an ad (presumably) geared toward shame-stricken women.

Society likes big butts on women right now, the rates of butt injections and implants for the ass-less women among us have sky rocketed, and famous women don’t look like Calista Flockhart anymore. So Nike quickly connects the dots and creates an ad campaign meant to lure in women looking for less dramatic and less expensive ass-plumping products.

Wait a second. When did anyone ever like Calista Flockhart?

That is why Nike says next to that juicy bubble butt-having model, “10 thousand lunges have made it rounder, not smaller”. Because they want women to believe getting a big ass is not something only rich, sex-tape making socialites can pay for or something most of us are born with.

I don’t see how saying, “We like junk in the trunk” is loaded with any sort of oppressive undertones. But what do I know. I have a penis. UPDATE: Like I said, I know nothing. It’s a fake ad. That ass, however, is real enough for me. Thanks, Kyle, for the heads-up.

This is related to sports only tangentially, but anyone who has watched a single football game this year has certainly been inundated with, then grown tired of, then enraged by Toyota’s “Saved by Zero” commercial.  Esquire.com’s Peter Schrager was one of the first to delve in-depth into the irritating phenomenon, and now the AP is even picking up on the widespread loathing for the ad.

There’s a lot of info in the article (with good news like we’ll be seeing it again this weekend), but I just wanted to share this one quote from Toyota marketing spokesman Joe Tetherow.

“I think the fact that it’s being talked about is good, because the message is out there,” Tetherow said. “The [car dealerships] like the program, and customers do too.”

Joe Tetherow.  I’m going to remember that name.  That way, if I ever meet Joe, I can crush his windpipe and smash his orbital bones until his eyes have been reduced to a useless goo.

And guess what, Toyota?  I will never buy one of your cars.  Ever.  Because of this one ad.  I now hate your company, and the only way I might ever re-consider that position is if everyone in your marketing department died in a fire at the office holiday party, leaving their families to grieve through that Christmas and remember it bitterly the rest of their lives.  So tell me again, Joe, is it good people are talking about your ad?