"You're mad? I have his fumbles on my fantasy team!"

For millions of years or as long as men have gathered in groups to draft fantasy football teams, the running back has been the dominant selection. If you don’t share the philosophy then you’re at least familiar with the strategy of taking two running backs first to create a solid scoring foundation. The top overall draft picks are almost always elite RBs, and you most likely spend the majority of the football season sending out terrible trade offers with the hopes of acquiring another RB.

Essentially, RBs have almost always ruled the world. Too bad the jerkface coaches of the NFL are doing their best to destroy that philosophy, what with the ever-increasing trend of committees and scenarios. But does that mean that you can’t use a little strategy to make sure that you acquire an elite RB on draft day? Yes, actually, it does mean that. Unless you have a top 5 pick this year (depending on how your league rewards and favors QBs) you’re probably not going to get top tier production from your backfield.

But that doesn’t mean that you can’t at least have solid productivity while creating harmonious scoring across your roster. You just have to clear your mind, forget your fan allegiances, and for once in your life stop telling yourself that THIS is the season that Joseph Addai becomes a monster. Again, I will remind you that I am not professing to be a fantasy football expert, like the many people at the big boy sites who don’t know their asses from a hole opened by the Green Bay Packers offensive line. But I do have some opinions that could help you, and chances are they’re at least better than your moron friends who spend $10 on magazines each year.

Today’s topic is the running back, as we fight to protect the endangered species that is the featured back. And yes, I’m using more attractive females to make my arguments.

There are only two things in life that terrify me: clowns and Gary Busey. But Busey, whose life has seen him overcome cocaine addiction, brain damage and appearing in a Keanu Reeves film, makes it work with this video titled “Norman Tugwater Fantasy Sports Law.” Busey plays the titular role: an attorney representing Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson. And if I tell you any more about it, I’ll just ruin it for you.

Your video is after the jump. Don’t forget to wear a helmet on those motorcycles! Read the rest of this entry »

Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga has spent the better part of the last two decades screwing over whichever Florida sports teams he could get his hands on, but now he’s finally ready to minimize his tightfisted mismanagement by selling most of his share of the team to partial owner John Ross.

But Wayne has to hurry!  The billionaire who luxuriates in the accumulated wealth from Blockbuster and Waste Management might have to pay more taxes if those mean ol’ Democrats take over!

Huizenga said Sunday no date has been set for selling up to 45 percent more of the team to Stephen Ross, but the presidential election is among the issues weighing on his decision.

That’s because a Barack Obama administration is expected to mean higher capital-gains taxes. “He wants to double the capital gains tax, or almost double it,” Huizenga said. “I’d rather give it to charity than to him.”

Yes, because everyone knows that the sitting America president KEEPS all the taxes we pay.  “I’d rather give my money away than see it go towards health care or public schools!”  Yeah, he’s quite the philanthropist.  He even donated money to a private prep school!  He’s basically like Mother Teresa… Mother Teresa was a vampire, right?

Over the weekend, Christ was risen… to the tops of teammates shoulders after scoring three touchdowns in a New Jersey high school football game (via Lion in Oil):

Yeah, Christ in New Jersey.  Hey, it’s pretty much the Palestine of America.

In other holy running back news, Purple Jesus ran for 111 yards in the Vikings’ narrow victory over the Lions, but it was actually one of the worst performances by any NFL running back on Sunday, according to science.  Further proof that those godless nerds will burn for all eternity.

To precisely no one’s surprise, Adrian Peterson was the only thing worth a damn on the Vikings’ offense last night, as he rushed for 103 yards and a score on just 19 carries against the Packers. He also went looking to punish Al Harris, whose low hit at Lambeau last year injured Purple Jesus’s knee and cost him a chunk of the season.

“No grudges, but I definitely wanted to come out and, if I had the opportunity, put a little boom on Harris,” Peterson said.

Video evidence above. Running backs clobbering defensive backs: awesome. Running backs clobbering defensive backs in order to exact revenge: awesomest.

[Packers Blog via FanIQ]

The new GQ magazine, when not lauding Kissing Suzy Kolber for being one of the reasons that "football is better than ever," includes a feature on Vikings running back Adrian Peterson written by Lisa DePaulo.  It covers the tragic deaths of two of Peterson's brothers and the grace and humility he shows at a country club fundraiser.  All in all, it's not a bad profile — save for some hormones that DePaulo couldn't quite contain.

And this scar over here? (I am running my fingers across Adrian Peterson’s perfectly taut and butter-smooth neck and shoulders, and I will spare you the rest of the gory details, except to say: It’s awesome!)

“I dislocated my shoulder.”

How many scars are there?

“Let’s see. You mean the scars from my shoulder surgery, or just all over?”

A girl can dream.

He obligingly takes his shirt off next, because the tour of Adrian’s body would not be complete without a word about the tattoos… [On his back is] daddy’s little angel, in honor of his 4-year-old daughter, Adeja, whom he had “with my high school sweetheart” (a.k.a. “my baby mama”) whom he still loves, but it just didn’t work out.

Got a girlfriend now?

Whoa, someone put a bridle on that filly.  Sure, I understand a writer's tendency to be honest about his or her subject, but let's keep in mind her audience.  What, is GQ supposed to be targeted to gay men or something?  It is?  Oh.