Chances are that as you read this you’re either setting your fantasy football lineup for your league’s championship game, or you’re curled up in the fetal position in a puddle of your own filth, wondering how it all went wrong. Out of five leagues, I’m prepping for two championship matches, so I ask not for any sympathy today, but instead, as always, offer my broad, hulking shoulders as a temple for which you can lean on. After all, I might be one of the few human beings on this planet who enjoys listening to people talk about their fantasy teams.

As far as the MVPs and LVPs this week, there were plenty of pleasant surprises, as well as dependable performances from those players that we depend on the most. Oh, and there were plenty of guys who let us down as well, including Eli Manning, who may have two Super Bowl rings, but after the season he’s having, I wouldn’t be surprised if Archie and Peyton make him sit at the kids’ table for Christmas this year.

So what the hell have the rest of you done for us lately, professional athlete millionaires?

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Shut up, Greg Olsen.

Last week, we kicked off the first installment of the With Leather Fantasy Football Support Group, because Week 9 made perfect sense. Whatever, jerks. But Doug Martin was the seemingly overwhelming choice for the “I hate that guy so much” sudden point outburst, after he had cost me and so many other fantasy football owners victories. This week, the task of narrowing down one specific player performance that may have caused self-induced vomiting and hair loss, because it was a pretty standard week with the usual suspects leading the way.

Based on the most probably standard scoring, here are the Top 3 scoring performances at each offensive position this week…

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And now, a post on a semi-reputable sports comedy blog about how I once at lobster at a seafood restaurant shaped like a barn and threw up everywhere.

Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson was rushed to the hospital on Monday. That’s a scary sentence, especially for a guy currently on the physically unable to perform list already, trying hard to recover from surgery. He was experiencing shortness of breath and a swelling of the face (!) at the Vikings’ dormitory at Minnesota State University and had to be golf-carted to a medical facility. The terrifying cause? He’d eaten some bad seafood during lunch.

WE ARE THE SAME, YOU AND I.

“He’s doing fine,” Frazier said Monday, July 30. “He’ll pick back up with his rehab (Tuesday). He’s been cleared. Everything’s back to normal now. Bit of a scare but he’s fine now.”

The team was unaware of any specific food allergies Peterson had, Frazier said.

“He had mentioned there was a time early in his life where he had an allergic reaction to something, maybe not quite as severe as this,” the coach said. (via TwinCities.com)

One of the reasons I stopped eating meat in its entirety is because my body went YEAH RIGHT after I ate it and exploded from the inside. My last two experiences with shellfish were (1) the aforementioned barn thing when I was seven, which was the most embarrassing moment of my life until (2) a New Years Eve dinner 15 years later when I decided maybe I was just sick that day and not allergic to seafood at all. That ended with me lying on the ground waiting for someone to take me to the hospital while my head transmogrified into Rocky Dennis from The Mask. Hopefully, Adrian’s experience wasn’t as damningly miserable as those. We wish you a speedy recovery, friend!

In other injury news, wide receiver Percy Harvin jammed a finger trying to open a crab leg and will miss the entire season.

Back in October, my Italian cousin Vince at FilmDrunk gave us a glimpse inside of former “Growing Pains” star and current Tim Tebow superfan Kirk Cameron’s incredibly boring birthday party that featured a small cake, some $5 footlongs from Subway, and poor, poor Belinda. Well Cameron’s going to need to kill someone at his next party to win the Saddest Party Award this year, because Minnesota Vikings RB Adrian Peterson’s New Year’s Eve party was about as sad as they get, according to some pictures he posted on Twitter.

Peterson, who signed a 7-year, $100 million contract extension this season, spent his New Year in the hospital, recovering from surgery on his knee, after he tore both his ACL and MCL against the Washington Redskins in Week 16. Doctors and experts claim that this type of surgery will take at least 8 months for a full recovery, which would put AP’s return right around the start of the season, but he would realistically might not be ready to play until Week 4 or 5. Of course, AP isn’t the average RB so he fully believes that he’ll be ready to start the 2012 season. And maybe if he’s really lucky, the Vikings will be ready to play as well.

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After last week’s inaugural “Suck for Luck” Power(less) Rankings, Matt from Warming Glow was upset that I didn’t include a Seattle Seahawks logo on the banner image, and I thought that I should explain the exclusion since he can beat me up. You see, as I’ve stated previously, this is by no means a scientific method. In fact, it’s pretty simple to point out that the Miami Dolphins and Indianapolis Colts are going to be sucktastic on legendary levels this season and the Green Bay Packers are going to be really good.

But it takes a lot of extra thought to sort through those teams that are teetering on the edge of “holy sh*t they’re awful” and “it sucks that they’re going to win a few games.” Obviously, Seattle is not a good team, so the Seahawks very well could end up making Andrew Luck their No. 1 pick next year. The problem is, though, that they play in the NFC West and are bound to win 4 or 5 games just because of the terrible competition, as we witnessed yesterday.

So I offer my apologies to anyone who felt slighted about their sorry ass team’s ranking, but if these rankings offer us anything, it’s the blinding reality that the Dolphins will somehow screw themselves.

On to the suck!

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There’s simply too much going on after two weeks of NFL action to limit my thoughts to just a few things, especially since I watch every single game with the focus of a drunken toddler. And since I’m also a self-loathing Miami Dolphins fan, I’m quickly turning my attention more to next year’s ultimate prize – screw the Super Bowl – Andrew Luck.

So welcome to the first installment of the “Suck for Luck” Power(less) Rankings, where we’ll be monitoring the crappier teams and their hopeless freefalls toward the No. 1 draft pick in the 2012 NFL Draft. A few notes before we begin:

1) The rankings in no way indicate actual draft orders, as they’re just my week-to-week opinions. They also do not represent teams that necessarily need a QB, so don’t argue that certain teams wouldn’t draft Luck. Even if a team with a QB winds up with that top pick, they’ll still trade it for a desperate team’s entire draft.

B) Please remember that all power rankings are just, in fact, opinion and in no way represent actual standings or any kind of impact on the actual game.

III) This is mostly just a way for us fans of lousy teams to fend off sports depression and suicide threats. Damn you, 7-day waiting periods.

Now on with the fun…

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