Back in October, my Italian cousin Vince at FilmDrunk gave us a glimpse inside of former “Growing Pains” star and current Tim Tebow superfan Kirk Cameron’s incredibly boring birthday party that featured a small cake, some $5 footlongs from Subway, and poor, poor Belinda. Well Cameron’s going to need to kill someone at his next party to win the Saddest Party Award this year, because Minnesota Vikings RB Adrian Peterson’s New Year’s Eve party was about as sad as they get, according to some pictures he posted on Twitter.

Peterson, who signed a 7-year, $100 million contract extension this season, spent his New Year in the hospital, recovering from surgery on his knee, after he tore both his ACL and MCL against the Washington Redskins in Week 16. Doctors and experts claim that this type of surgery will take at least 8 months for a full recovery, which would put AP’s return right around the start of the season, but he would realistically might not be ready to play until Week 4 or 5. Of course, AP isn’t the average RB so he fully believes that he’ll be ready to start the 2012 season. And maybe if he’s really lucky, the Vikings will be ready to play as well.

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After last week’s inaugural “Suck for Luck” Power(less) Rankings, Matt from Warming Glow was upset that I didn’t include a Seattle Seahawks logo on the banner image, and I thought that I should explain the exclusion since he can beat me up. You see, as I’ve stated previously, this is by no means a scientific method. In fact, it’s pretty simple to point out that the Miami Dolphins and Indianapolis Colts are going to be sucktastic on legendary levels this season and the Green Bay Packers are going to be really good.

But it takes a lot of extra thought to sort through those teams that are teetering on the edge of “holy sh*t they’re awful” and “it sucks that they’re going to win a few games.” Obviously, Seattle is not a good team, so the Seahawks very well could end up making Andrew Luck their No. 1 pick next year. The problem is, though, that they play in the NFC West and are bound to win 4 or 5 games just because of the terrible competition, as we witnessed yesterday.

So I offer my apologies to anyone who felt slighted about their sorry ass team’s ranking, but if these rankings offer us anything, it’s the blinding reality that the Dolphins will somehow screw themselves.

On to the suck!

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There’s simply too much going on after two weeks of NFL action to limit my thoughts to just a few things, especially since I watch every single game with the focus of a drunken toddler. And since I’m also a self-loathing Miami Dolphins fan, I’m quickly turning my attention more to next year’s ultimate prize – screw the Super Bowl – Andrew Luck.

So welcome to the first installment of the “Suck for Luck” Power(less) Rankings, where we’ll be monitoring the crappier teams and their hopeless freefalls toward the No. 1 draft pick in the 2012 NFL Draft. A few notes before we begin:

1) The rankings in no way indicate actual draft orders, as they’re just my week-to-week opinions. They also do not represent teams that necessarily need a QB, so don’t argue that certain teams wouldn’t draft Luck. Even if a team with a QB winds up with that top pick, they’ll still trade it for a desperate team’s entire draft.

B) Please remember that all power rankings are just, in fact, opinion and in no way represent actual standings or any kind of impact on the actual game.

III) This is mostly just a way for us fans of lousy teams to fend off sports depression and suicide threats. Damn you, 7-day waiting periods.

Now on with the fun…

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"You're mad? I have his fumbles on my fantasy team!"

For millions of years or as long as men have gathered in groups to draft fantasy football teams, the running back has been the dominant selection. If you don’t share the philosophy then you’re at least familiar with the strategy of taking two running backs first to create a solid scoring foundation. The top overall draft picks are almost always elite RBs, and you most likely spend the majority of the football season sending out terrible trade offers with the hopes of acquiring another RB.

Essentially, RBs have almost always ruled the world. Too bad the jerkface coaches of the NFL are doing their best to destroy that philosophy, what with the ever-increasing trend of committees and scenarios. But does that mean that you can’t use a little strategy to make sure that you acquire an elite RB on draft day? Yes, actually, it does mean that. Unless you have a top 5 pick this year (depending on how your league rewards and favors QBs) you’re probably not going to get top tier production from your backfield.

But that doesn’t mean that you can’t at least have solid productivity while creating harmonious scoring across your roster. You just have to clear your mind, forget your fan allegiances, and for once in your life stop telling yourself that THIS is the season that Joseph Addai becomes a monster. Again, I will remind you that I am not professing to be a fantasy football expert, like the many people at the big boy sites who don’t know their asses from a hole opened by the Green Bay Packers offensive line. But I do have some opinions that could help you, and chances are they’re at least better than your moron friends who spend $10 on magazines each year.

Today’s topic is the running back, as we fight to protect the endangered species that is the featured back. And yes, I’m using more attractive females to make my arguments.

There are only two things in life that terrify me: clowns and Gary Busey. But Busey, whose life has seen him overcome cocaine addiction, brain damage and appearing in a Keanu Reeves film, makes it work with this video titled “Norman Tugwater Fantasy Sports Law.” Busey plays the titular role: an attorney representing Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson. And if I tell you any more about it, I’ll just ruin it for you.

Your video is after the jump. Don’t forget to wear a helmet on those motorcycles! Read the rest of this entry »

Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga has spent the better part of the last two decades screwing over whichever Florida sports teams he could get his hands on, but now he’s finally ready to minimize his tightfisted mismanagement by selling most of his share of the team to partial owner John Ross.

But Wayne has to hurry!  The billionaire who luxuriates in the accumulated wealth from Blockbuster and Waste Management might have to pay more taxes if those mean ol’ Democrats take over!

Huizenga said Sunday no date has been set for selling up to 45 percent more of the team to Stephen Ross, but the presidential election is among the issues weighing on his decision.

That’s because a Barack Obama administration is expected to mean higher capital-gains taxes. “He wants to double the capital gains tax, or almost double it,” Huizenga said. “I’d rather give it to charity than to him.”

Yes, because everyone knows that the sitting America president KEEPS all the taxes we pay.  “I’d rather give my money away than see it go towards health care or public schools!”  Yeah, he’s quite the philanthropist.  He even donated money to a private prep school!  He’s basically like Mother Teresa… Mother Teresa was a vampire, right?