Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga has spent the better part of the last two decades screwing over whichever Florida sports teams he could get his hands on, but now he’s finally ready to minimize his tightfisted mismanagement by selling most of his share of the team to partial owner John Ross.
But Wayne has to hurry! The billionaire who luxuriates in the accumulated wealth from Blockbuster and Waste Management might have to pay more taxes if those mean ol’ Democrats take over!
Huizenga said Sunday no date has been set for selling up to 45 percent more of the team to Stephen Ross, but the presidential election is among the issues weighing on his decision.
That’s because a Barack Obama administration is expected to mean higher capital-gains taxes. “He wants to double the capital gains tax, or almost double it,” Huizenga said. “I’d rather give it to charity than to him.”
Yes, because everyone knows that the sitting America president KEEPS all the taxes we pay. “I’d rather give my money away than see it go towards health care or public schools!” Yeah, he’s quite the philanthropist. He even donated money to a private prep school! He’s basically like Mother Teresa… Mother Teresa was a vampire, right?
Over the weekend, Christ was risen… to the tops of teammates shoulders after scoring three touchdowns in a New Jersey high school football game (via Lion in Oil):
Yeah, Christ in New Jersey. Hey, it’s pretty much the Palestine of America.
In other holy running back news, Purple Jesus ran for 111 yards in the Vikings’ narrow victory over the Lions, but it was actually one of the worst performances by any NFL running back on Sunday, according to science. Further proof that those godless nerds will burn for all eternity.
To precisely no one’s surprise, Adrian Peterson was the only thing worth a damn on the Vikings’ offense last night, as he rushed for 103 yards and a score on just 19 carries against the Packers. He also went looking to punish Al Harris, whose low hit at Lambeau last year injured Purple Jesus’s knee and cost him a chunk of the season.
“No grudges, but I definitely wanted to come out and, if I had the opportunity, put a little boom on Harris,” Peterson said.
Video evidence above. Running backs clobbering defensive backs: awesome. Running backs clobbering defensive backs in order to exact revenge: awesomest.
[Packers Blog via FanIQ]
The new GQ magazine, when not lauding Kissing Suzy Kolber for being one of the reasons that "football is better than ever," includes a feature on Vikings running back Adrian Peterson written by Lisa DePaulo. It covers the tragic deaths of two of Peterson's brothers and the grace and humility he shows at a country club fundraiser. All in all, it's not a bad profile — save for some hormones that DePaulo couldn't quite contain.
And this scar over here? (I am running my fingers across Adrian Peterson’s perfectly taut and butter-smooth neck and shoulders, and I will spare you the rest of the gory details, except to say: It’s awesome!)
“I dislocated my shoulder.”
How many scars are there?
“Let’s see. You mean the scars from my shoulder surgery, or just all over?”
A girl can dream.
He obligingly takes his shirt off next, because the tour of Adrian’s body would not be complete without a word about the tattoos… [On his back is] daddy’s little angel, in honor of his 4-year-old daughter, Adeja, whom he had “with my high school sweetheart” (a.k.a. “my baby mama”) whom he still loves, but it just didn’t work out.
Got a girlfriend now?
Whoa, someone put a bridle on that filly. Sure, I understand a writer's tendency to be honest about his or her subject, but let's keep in mind her audience. What, is GQ supposed to be targeted to gay men or something? It is? Oh.
Tony Romo isn't just the Cowboys' All-Pro quarterback who dates Jessica Simpson. He's got something more valuable than two consecutive years of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory in the first round of the playoffs: he is one of Cosmo magazine's Fun, Fearless Males, along with previous Simpson-fuckers Dane Cook and John Mayer. And Simpson's ex-husband Nick Lachey took the top award last year, so you know Cosmo's just mailing this shit in.
Romo broke the ice when he joked about the situation while claiming his award at Monday's luncheon. When musing about what made him qualify as Cosmo's Fun, Fearless Male, he said: "Dane Cook, John Mayer … if you date Jessica Simpson, I guess."
"Yeah, you know, it's been really cool to meet those guys, actually. Turns out I'm not the only one who's weirded out by her dad staying in the room and masturbating while we have sex."
SITE NEWS: Sorry the site was slow yesterday. I've been told that we got more RAM for our ad server, which made me giggle because I don't really know what that means. But apparently shit's cool now.
Like everyone else, I ignored most of the Pro Bowl yesterday. But I feel compelled to acknowledge that it happened just because it's my last chance to write about an actual football game until next fall.
So, the AFC blew a 17-point first half lead and succumbed 42-30. T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Terrell Owens, and Adrian Peterson each scored two touchdowns, and Purple Jesus received the Most Outstanding Player award. As always, I strongly recommend his highlight reel over at NFL.com.
A lot of people hate the game because it's so irrelevant, and there's some boo-hooing about Der Kommissar Goodell's talk of moving the game to the Super Bowl bye week, but I'm okay with the Pro Bowl. Even though it's unsettling as hell to watch Ben Roethlisberger complete passes to T.J. Housh and Jeff Garcia throw to T.O. in the end zone, it's still a nice way to ease into the offseason. The stark emptiness after the Super Bowl demands one more football fix, even if it's a completely half-assed game by stars on vacation. Because after this, it's all basketball and hockey. And… *shudder*… baseball.
