Now that the NBA has given all of the remaining playoff teams a well-deserved night off, instead of, you know, scheduling the games accordingly so that fans could watch their favorite stars play every night, we get to sit back and enjoy some games tonight. And since the Miami Heat play, we’ll hopefully get some more Chris Andersen antics for Shaquille O’Neal to talk about on TNT tomorrow night since he apparently loves talking about the Birdman.

That Shaq, such the comic genius. I, for one, can’t wait to see him return to the big screen in Grown Ups 2. In fact, if TNT could show that Grown Ups 2 playoffs ad more than it already does, I’d be so incredibly happy. It’s great to see Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, David Spade and Kevin James openly acknowledging how they play the same character in everything they’ve ever done. That’s true comedy.

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Honestly, finding out that Shaquille O’Neal plays “Police Officer” in Grown Ups 2 is as much as you should ever learn about Grown Ups 2. In a perfect world, you’re saying, “Grown Ups 2? I never saw Grown-Ups 1!” Yes, in a perfect world you call Grown Ups “Grown Ups 1.”

Anyway, descending quality of comedy magnate Adam Sandler went on Conan to discuss the underlying themes of Grown Ups 2 — spoiler alert: nutshots —
and told a thorough story about playing basketball with Shaq, then trying to see his penis. It’s a totally reasonable thing, I guess, and the story is pretty spectacular. I’m only disappointed that Shaq didn’t make Sandler do the Mer-Man cry while he looked at it.

Here’s the clip:

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I apologize in advance for this, as it was written by an extremely old man.

The Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards 2013 went down in Los Angeles on Saturday, and good Lord, I can’t even begin to explain it. When I was a kid, the Kids Choice Awards were a very straight-forward thing … they’d give a blimp to whichever celebrities were nice enough to show up, they’d give a “best team” award or whatever to whoever won the Super Bowl that year (which automatically made them the most popular team with kids), Michael Jordan or Paula Abdul or whoever would show up to get a lifetime achievement award and somebody would get slimed. That’s Nickelodeon’s thing, and I get it. I mean, I’ve seen basically every episode of ‘You Can’t Do That On Television’ (even the Alanis ones), so I know that when you say “water” you get a bunch of water dumped on you, and when you say “I don’t know” you get slimed.

Now they give awards to themselves (best cartoon: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! etc.) and slime EVERYBODY at ALL TIMES. Everything has slime coming out of it. The kids just go SCREEEEEEEEEEE the entire time, because they are reacting to stimulus response I guess, and there’s no set up or build or honor to being slimed. This year they slimed Dwight Howard, so obviously there is no prestige left anymore.

I cannot break down this highlight video, but I’m going to try.

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With Andy Roddick now retired and the nation mourning the loss of Brooklyn Decker’s attendance at Grand Slam events, there isn’t much left for American men’s tennis fans to be excited about. That is, unless you’re a big Mardy Fish fan, in which case I hope you shout “MARDY!” every time he plays like the random voice in Not Another Teen Movie, because that’s necessary.

Now that we officially stand no chance, it’s only fair that us Americans punish the rest of the world’s tennis fans by making them sit through the stuff that pains us most. Yesterday, that agony came at the hands of Adam Sandler and Kevin James, who teamed up with John McEnroe and Jim Courier, respectively, for a special celebrity doubles match.

The late night main course was preceded by the warm-up event, namely John McEnroe and Adam Sandler taking on Jim Courier and Kevin James. It’s fair to say the quality wasn’t out of the top-drawer, although the two comedians did show a glimpse of ability. James served to stay in the match, but was unable to do so. Although it wasn’t exactly clear who won given Sandler and James were on the same side of the net when the final point was scored. (Via ESPN)

Which means they were being HILARIOUS! James was sporting a t-shirt for his new “comedy” Here Comes the Boom, which, as Vince Mancini at FilmDrunk describes it, is a Mixed Martial Farts film.

The exhibition – which featured Colin Quinn as a guest judge, because what else does he have to do? – comes as no surprise, as Sandler and McEnroe have been good buddies since the tennis legend appeared in Mr. Deeds. Honestly, I hope this inspires them to try their luck at more sports, starting with “car dodging” at the Federated Auto Parts 400 tomorrow.

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For all the jokes we make about TMZ writers and their obnoxious use of ellipses, I have to admit that I shamefully enjoy it when they “report” random stories tongue-in-cheek. For example, yesterday they proclaimed to have “blockbuster” news about MLB Hall-of-Famer Rod Carew, and I was like, “Oh snap, did he murder someone? Is he pulling a Morgan Freeman and marrying his granddaughter? Is he finally becoming a professional wrestler?”

And I would have never guessed what TMZ was actually overusing the caps lock key about, because it wasn’t blockbuster at all.

Take off your yarmulke … put down that gin and tonica … ’cause Hall-of-Famer Rod Carew isn’t Jewish after all … despite the lyrics in Adam Sandler’s famous “Hanukkah Song.”

But when we ran into Rod at LAX this weekend, the baseball legend set the record straight .. he never actually converted back in the day.

Don’t worry, Rod says he and Adam talked about the mistake after the song was released … and the two even struck up a friendship over the mix up.

They “talked” about it? They struck a friendship? DAMN IT, ROD. You could have sued Sandler for everything before he ever had a chance to become famous and prevented this world from ever having to see Grown Ups or especially That’s My Boy.

Have you seen Jack and Jill, Rod? I have, and now knowing that you could have crushed Sandler years ago for lying about you and making millions of dollars in the process, I place a curse on your soul that you be forced to watch Just Go with It on every single plane flight for the rest of your life, and may that life be long and plentiful so you suffer while watching Brooklyn Decker act. You’ve earned this.

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By way of Red Hot Mama comes this clip from MLB Fan Cave comes today’s best nostalgic look back at the 1990s — Cincinnati Reds pitcher and part-time musician Bronson Arroyo covering Adam Sandler’s seminal mid-90s classic ‘Red Hooded Sweatshirt’. The original had a brief mention of one-on-one basketball (Sandler beat his sweatshirt 11-9), but this one goes full baseball, even bringing in Aroldis Chapman to play Kevin Nealon.

You shouldn’t post videos like this, Bronson, they’re all gonna laugh at you!

Here’s the very special Valentine’s Day original from Sandler:

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