Well, this is a unique combination of bad ideas. This is a competitive event in which people on hockey skates go down an enlarged bobsled chute in the same manner that you see in snowboard-cross at the Olympics. The announcers seem to be calling it “Red Bull Crash Ice,” but that name sucks. I like “Downhill Hockey Skating Luge Derby-X” way better. That way it reminds you of all the different dangerous sports they’ve combined to make more dangerous. Plus it just rolls right off your tongue.
Burton’s new “Love” series of snowboards — a collaboration with Playboy that features pin-ups from the 1970s on the boards — has liberals, feminists, Girl Scouts, and assorted Vermont douchebags all pissed off.
[T]he company has found itself at the center of a growing controversy in the liberal state, with residents, students, and politicians debating free speech and sexism on the ski slopes. The Burlington City Council discussed asking Burton to withdraw the boards, and the Girl Scout Council of Vermont is considering taking concerns to lawmakers next month.
Oh no, they’ve mobilized the Girl Scouts!!! In all seriousness, if I stretch to the very limits of my sympathy, I can kind of see how parents might not want their young children exposed to the images on the boards. But then I read this:
“When you really think about it, it’s a young man standing on top of a naked woman’s body,” said [Nicole] Zarrillo, 38, an office manager for a nonprofit based in Burlington, also home to Burton’s headquarters. “I probably could have gotten past it, because I try to have an open mind, but seeing it like that, it’s offensive.”
“Well, I tried to accept something I didn’t like, but then my oversensitive inner bitch came out. Turns out that everything I see is a metaphor for man’s oppression of women. HEY! I saw the way you looked at me, buster! Don’t even THINK about telling me I look nice today!”
Here’s the video of daredevil Robbie Maddison’s New Year’s jump on ESPN. First he took that little moped up a steep-ass ramp to land on top of the fake Arc de Triomphe at Paris Las Vegas. Then, even crazier, he drove off the arch and stuck the landing on a 100-foot drop.
Fast-forward about another hour, and he was naked with the hot blond girl that hugged him afterward. And justifiably so. He probably earned himself a threesome with that little stunt. If there’s one thing sure to get panties wet, it’s stupid crap that puts men’s lives in danger. And you’ve got to give men credit for our thought processes. “Well, if it goes wrong, I die. But if it goes right, I get LAID! Let’s DO THIS!!!”
Editor’s Note: Why yes, I did volunteer to go to combat.
It feels like forever since I’ve had any kind of skateboarding or rollerblading accident video, so it’s nice to kick off the New Year with one of the hallmarks of With Leather: an idiot hurting himself. If you’re tired of face plants and nut shots, this is a nice little variant: the asphalt strawberry. If you don’t like having nipples, by all means, this is an excellent way to remove them.
On a side note, if you’re tired of face plants and nut shots, I don’t even know you any more. You changed, man.
(thanks to Buck)
Parkour — the style of movement seen in chase scenes Casino Royale, The Incredible Hulk, and Live Free or Die Hard — officially got its start by David Belle in the mid-90s, with inspiration from French military and rescue training. But this clip from 1977′s Gizmo! (via Kottke) shows footage from the 1930s that indicates David Belle is a big French plagiarist.
In a related bit of news, I found this section from Parkour’s Wikipedia page enlightening, yet unsurprising:
According to Belle, “the physical aspect of parkour is getting over all the obstacles in your path as you would in an emergency…” Thus, when faced with a hostile confrontation with a person, one will be able to speak, fight, or flee. As martial arts are a form of training for the fight, parkour is a form of training for the flight.
In other words, the French actually created an entire discipline dedicated to finding the most efficient method to run away. Stereotypes are awesome.
A brief video of someone on roller blades getting a faceful of concrete is already perfect; I’m not really sure what I can add here. Would I try to improve the Mona Lisa?
And the answer is yes, absolutely. She needs more of a plunging neckline and bigger boobs. Some eye makeup and fuller lips. And her hair could really use some body — did they not rinse out conditioner in the 16th century? Basically, she needs to be Mona Lisa: Tomb Raider.
There. Much better. Oh, and the video could use some blood and more slo-mo.
