As a grown adult male who has never been able to grow sufficient facial hair, I don’t typically handle news involving mustaches and beards very well, but if that news creates the opportunity to rank celebrity mustaches and/or beards then I can live with it. In this case, Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers appeared on Jim Rome’s new show on Showtime Wednesday night and Romey asked the hard-hitting questions as usual.

Asked Rome, as his assistant cleared a spot on his mantle for a Pulitzer:

“You have long been a practitioner of the mustache. In the spirit of Movember, who are the greatest ‘staches in history? Which gentlemen belong on Mount ‘Stachemore?”

Of course I’m kidding with my jabs at Rome, because this kind of question is right up my alley, perhaps behind similar queries like “Have you ever tried to get two girls pregnant in the same threesome?” to Antonio Cromartie or “A-cup, D-cup or a nice palm full?” to Jay Cutler. So who did Rodgers name as his facial hair inspirations? Dude, it’s right there in the headline. Geez.

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Week 2 of the NFL season and we already have a Thursday night game. I’m not ready for this yet. I’m not ready for the stress of choosing which bench player to drop so I can pick up the Raiders defense so I don’t have to play the Bears against the Packers tonight. My bench is solid and I don’t want to drop Kendall Hunter or Santana Moss yet. I hate myself for choosing the Bears when I knew that I’d have to worry about Aaron Rodgers and the Packers. Twice.

Oh well, at least we have an NFL game and two college games tonight. That’s why I love America. Do you know what the contributor for the North Korea sports blog “With Olive Drab” is watching tonight? Probably just highlights of Kim Jong-Il waving to people. Let’s be thankful for what we have.

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For all the times that we’ve talked about how likable Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers seems, this sure hasn’t been his best week. It started off playfully enough, with Rodgers and Nathan Morris of Boyz II Men making a bet that if the Packers lost to the San Francisco 49ers last weekend, Rodgers would have to wear an Alex Smith jersey. The Packers, of course, lost and a man even wrote erotic fan fiction as a result to hold up his end of a bet that he made.

So Rodgers wore the Smith jersey then, right? Wrong.

But earlier today, Rodgers addressed the media — and when he was asked about the wager, he sounded like a man trying to get out of donning his rival’s jersey. “There’s nothing to that,” Rodgers said … adding, “That got blown way out of proportion.” Still, Rodgers DID acknowledge a bet was made … saying, “It was at best a joke between friends, and, unfortunately, the great reporting of TMZ blew another one.” (Via TMZ)

Wow, Rodgers just took the masters of random CAPS LOCK and ellipses to the wood shed. Hopefully they have a killer response.

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"So, uh, you wanna, like, grab a brew and then make out?"

Yesterday, my best friend and bass player in my Nelson cover band, Danger Guerrero, brought us the terrific story of the bet between Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers and the classic 90s R&B group Boyz II Men. How DG didn’t ask me to photoshop Rodgers photobombing a Boyz II Men album cover, I’ll never know, but it was an exciting story nonetheless, as Rodgers and the Packers lost to the San Francisco 49ers and Mr. Discount Double Check now has to wear an Alex Smith 49ers jersey this week.

The reason I recapped yesterday’s news is because there are good, fun and playful bets, and we like those because they don’t require me to read man-on-man erotic fan fiction. Instead, I had to do that because a Reddit user and presumed Gaslight fan named “americanslang59” also lost a bet, and the result was indeed erotic fan fiction that involves Rodgers and Smith. I didn’t think it was possible but the Internet became a much stranger place yesterday.

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Here are the things you need to know for this story to make sense:

• Aaron Rodgers is friends with Boyz II Men.
• The Packers lost to the 49ers yesterday.
• Wait, did I just say “Aaron Rodgers is friends with Boyz II Men”?

Jesus. I really need to become an NFL quarterback. Anyway, here goes:

According to TMZ, Rodgers asked Boyz II Men to sing the national anthem before the opener at Lambeau Field. Nathan Morris of the group laid a bet on the table. If the Packers lost the game, Morris proposed, Rodgers would have to wear a 49ers jersey through this entire week. Morris would have had to wear a Packers jersey through this week had Green Bay won, but he’s not a professional football player — he doesn’t have to go to team meetings and film room and all other game-prep functions wearing the colors of the opposing team. [Shutdown Corner]

As a fan of Boyz II Men, football, and stupid shenanigans that result in someone famous being forced to do something embarrassing, I should love this story. And yet, here I sit, in a living room located squarely in Eastern Pennsylvania, FURIOUS that Nathan Morris of Boyz II Men is a 49ers fan. Philadelphia’s own Nathan Morris of Boyz II Men, who sang a song called “Motownphilly,” cheers for a team from literally across the country. A team that he probably only started liking because they were good back when he was a kid. This simply will not do. I mean, what am I supposed to do with this information? Next you’ll tell me DJ Jazzy Jeff likes the Mets, or Hall & Oates root for the Cowboys.

The whole thing makes me so angry I could huck a battery at a toddler.

Welcome to my day-late weekly predictions that will astound and amaze you, because they’re so incredibly tuned into to a psychic frequency that nobody else on this planet could come up with them. Since I started making predictions a few weeks ago, I’ve been right about everything. Even the stuff that might have been wrong was technically right, because I say it was. It’s not really hard being a psychic.

This week, we take a look into the crystal ball to see if David Stern really will stick to his guns and stop the L.A. Clippers from flopping, Matt Leinart can turn Carson Palmer into the perfect QB and if anyone would ever believe that Phil Jackson would even remotely entertain the idea of coaching a team as dysfunctional and broken as the Orlando Magic. SIM SIM SALABIM!

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