During the late 1990s and early 2000s, anyone related to a pop singer could become a success. Britney Spears’ little sister got her on television show, the little brothers of Backstreet Boys got record deals, Jessica Simpson’s uglier, somehow even less talented little sister got her on television show AND a record deal, the list goes on and on. One of the touchstones of late-90s pop nepotism (popotism? I should write for Pitchfork) was the two platinum albums (!!) of Aaron Carter. He rode the fame of his older brother Nick to temporary heartthrob status, so much so that one time I happened to go to Kings Dominion on the same day Aaron Carter was performing and didn’t get on ANYTHING because every square inch of the grounds was covered in homemade t-shirted 11-year olds. It got pretty bad, for a while.

Anyway, Aaron’s greatest achievement was his attempt at a Will Smith Vs. Mike Tyson-style rap showdown with then-Los Angeles Lakers star Shaquille O’Neal. In the song, Aaron brags to his friends about how he beat Shaq. It’s called ‘That’s How I Beat Shaq.’ It wasn’t written by Dostoevsky.

Here’s a quick recap, in case you missed it:

It’s like boom (boom)
I put it in the hoop
Like slam (slam)
I heard the crowd screaming
out jam (jam)
I swear that I’m telling you the facts
Cuz that’s how I beat Shaq

Thanks to some wonderful combination of God existing and TruTV, Aaron Carter and Shaq got together recently for a rematch, and it went a lot like it should’ve the first time. Justin Bieber, get ready for a harrowing look into your future. You’ve got campy videos where people try to remember you and Kim Kardashian coming up in like 13 years.

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As we discussed yesterday, people were a bit perplexed when TNT NBA analyst Shaquille O’Neal was suddenly mentioned as a candidate for the vacant Orlando Magic GM position, because he’d spent the last decade completely pissing all over the franchise that drafted him No. 1 overall in 1992. Eventually, though, it made perfect sense when it was revealed that Shaq was being considered for the job because Shaq told everyone that, because he likes when everyone talks about him.

But Shaq tied up all the loose ends yesterday when he released a statement about how even though he told everyone he was interested in the Magic GM job, he wasn’t interested in the Magic GM job, adding: “I’m Shaq. Shaq Shaq Shaq.”

“When I first heard about the vacancy for the Orlando Magic general manager position, I was clearly intrigued. I was drafted by the Magic, I have a great love for the franchise, and I have made the city of Orlando my home. Additionally, I have great admiration and respect for the DeVos family. However, this is not a job I have an interest in pursuing. I feel very fortunate to be with TNT and to have the best job in sports. I look forward to many more years with Charles, Kenny and E.J. I wish the best for the Magic and I am confident that they will select a great GM and coach.” (Via Pro Basketball Talk)

The truth is, though, that Diesel’s schedule is just way too booked up right now. As you can see from the banner image – via The Superficial – Shaq is back to what he does best – making terrible movies. He’s currently filming the Happy Madison production Grown Ups 2, because all of the people who paid to see the first Grown Ups (my pick for Worst Film of 2010) said the same thing: “It was terrible, sure, but I feel like they could have made it worse.”

And because I’m in a retro flashback mood today, I’ve included a very important and relevant video after the jump.

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