Yesterday, while discussing Shaquille O’Neal’s foray into the comedy biz with The Comedy Shaq Network, I included a video of a recent sketch that Shaq taped with comedian Godfrey and sex tape superstar Hulk Hogan. It turns out that video was recorded backstage during a TNA Impact event, and that makes perfect sense, because Shaq and Hogan have a long history of friendship that dates back to the 1994 Bash at the Beach, held at the Orlando Arena when O’Neal was with the Orlando Magic.
Shaq was on hand to present the WCW Championship belt to the winner of the main event match between Hogan and Ric Flair, and if you have never seen that match or don’t remember it, here’s a quick recap – Flair strutted, Hogan did that hand twirl thing, Flair got slapped in the chest and fell down, Hogan was seemingly defeated but he got back up and suddenly became invincible, and then Hogan won because he has the most powerful right leg in the universe.
But the biggest thing that came from this event (aside from Steve Austin retaining his U.S. Championship, of course) was the friendship of Hogan and O’Neal, which led to an amusing promo that people still bring up now and again because of its “Hey, remember this?” charm.
As a Washington Capitals fan, I was stoked to see them top the New York Rangers on Wednesday and force a game 7. If I had to compare it to one thing, I’d compare it to the excitement Todd Beamer felt when he decided he was ready to roll on United Airlines Flight 93. Wait, no I wouldn’t, because that would be f**king ignorant.
But here we are. CBC’s Ron MacLean intro’d game 6 by comparing Ryan Callahan and Alex Ovechkin (pictured, right) to 9/11 first responders. Somehow this game wasn’t broadcast on the Onion News Network. “They ARE like police officers, they ARE like firefighters” is especially insipid, and the reason MacLean thinks dying in a collapsing skyscraper and one game of a seven game hockey playoff are similar is “you can’t fight fire with ego”. Or “eagle”, I’m not really sure what he’s saying. You can’t fight fire with either of them, and either word makes the same amount of sense in context.
Ron should spend the rest of the playoffs saying stuff like this, if only for the publicity. He could turn CBC into the Fox News of sports. I want to see him compare Marian Hossa to Trayvon Martin.
‘Archer,’ Podcasting, Lana Kane Cosplay, Veal Cutlets, And Truckasaurus Hands: An Interview With Aisha Tyler - Archer week continues. I wonder if I could convince my bosses to organize a The Gospel Bill Show week at UPROXX? [UPROXX]
Ten Recurring ‘SNL’ Characters Who Should Have Been One-Offs - Calling bullsh*t on this list because Billy Smith is the funniest thing ever. I don’t think my brain has yet convinced me that Gilly is a real thing. [Warming Glow]
7 WTF Endorsement Deals Featuring Rappers - It’s even better when you make them up: Hip hop superstar Ma$e says drink more Ovaltine! More Ovaltine, uh huh, yeah! [Smoking Section]
Genius Parody: Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close For 9/11 Conspiracy Theorists - “A plane crashes in an EMPTY FIELD and leaves no trace. ARE WE AT F*CKING HOGWARTS?!” [Film Drunk]
Launch Photon Ass Torpedoes — Astronauts in Danger From Their Own Farts - This is what we’re gonna talk about today instead of doing the SOPA blackout. You’re really missing out, Wikipedia. [Gamma Squad]
17 Angelfire Pages That Are Still Up Right Now - This made me chant “holy sh*t” at my computer. Angelfire sucked when I started using the Internet in like 1996. What’s next, discovering the lost ruins of GeoCity? [Buzzfeed]
Wendy Williams Launches Campaign To Save the Twinkie - Paula Deen should join in this, and the two of them should roll around naked in a field of obese babies. Launch a campaign to eat a head of lettuce, your insides look like burnt lasagna. [The FW]
‘Mad Men’ Season 5 Poster Is So Minimalist It Makes Your Ceiling Look Busy - Don’t care, still marking out. It should’ve just been a high-res picture of Trudy and Pete doing the Charleston. [FARK]
Based on the Movie Posters Alone, Which of these 10 Movies Are You Most Compelled to See? - Just Mad Men. But I would probably sit through The Enormous Face Of Kate Beckinsale In 3D. [Pajiba]
The Ultimate Bond Film - Cool story bro: I was trying to do a Google image search for James Bland, the guy who wrote the Virginia state song, and all I got was a bunch of pictures of Daniel Craig. Apparently that’s what people call him. I had no idea. My Bond knowledge is limited to “Goldeneye ruled”. [Unreality]
Troy & Abed’s Dope Adventures - Cool, but a little socially concerning at the same time. Basically the Uncool People On The Internet equivalent of Britta and Annie’s cheerleader wrestling. [High Definite]
I know what you’re all thinking. You’re sitting there on this Monday after the divisional round of the NFL playoffs, and you’re saying to yourself, “You know, there’s been so, SO much Tebow coverage lately. It seems like almost every single, possible angle of his story has been covered. That said, you know what I could really go for? A columnist telling me I’m not allowed to dislike him, and invoking 9/11 in the process. That would be a real treat.”
People of science, who are rational and therefore never wrong, in 1987 told Tim Tebow’s mother, Pam, to abort him because her pregnancy threatened her life, and they expected her son to be stillborn. A woman of faith, and therefore “irrational,” Pam said “no” and carried him to term.
Some 20 years later, Pam and Tim infuriated some people by appearing in an anti-abortion commercial aired during the Super Bowl. That’s where America first heard his story. Pro-choicers went bananas.
Christian conservatives were accused of trying to shove their religion down our throats. Some do, just like hard-left secularists. They also want to shove their “religion” down our throats – and their religion is atheism.
That’s a hard sell in America, the most “believing” industrialized democracy. And those beliefs paved the road to 9/11.
America’s strong Christian beliefs, writes Lawrence Wright in his Pulitzer Prize-winning The Looming Tower, is what inflamed al Qaeda. Not so much because of America’s actions, as some (Ron Paul) believe, but “because they saw America as the locus of Christian power.”
I think we can all agree that was incredibly necessary and reasonable.
Look, there’s not much I can add to the discussion about why it’s okay to dislike Tim Tebow that wasn’t said more eloquently by Andrew Sharp at SB Nation, but I will say this: if your argument for why I shouldn’t dislike the guy includes “BECAUSE ATHEISM AND CHRISTIANITY AND SO ON. IN CONCLUSION, 9/11,” then you can go jump straight into a lake.