It looks like the incredibly drawn out and ridiculously expensive divorce hearing between Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian is finally coming to an end. K-Hump and the Devil’s Baby Bump could settle as early as today – with TMZ leaking that it has already been settled, pending an announcement in court – avoiding their trial that was set to begin on May 6 and would cost California taxpayers even more money than it already has. To date, both jilted lovers have spent north of $300,000 in lawyer fees, because they’re both clearly idiots.
But because Humphries may have done irreparable damage to his own case last week by failing to appear at a mandatory mediation session, the end could be nigh. Just in time for Humphries to watch the Brooklyn Nets take on the Chicago Bulls in the first round of the NBA playoffs from that comfy seat that he earned on the bench.
Like most good divorces, though, this one comes down to money.
I don’t know why I forgot to write about it a few weeks ago, but I didn’t hate the Ryan Lochte cameo on 30 Rock. In fact, I laughed rather amply at it, because Tina Fey, that glorious goddess of comedy writing, created a character that was perfect for the guy who spent his birthday hanging out with The Situation – “Sex Idiot”. In case you missed the episode, Lochte played one of Sbarro heiress Pizzarina Sbarro’s boyfriends, as she explained to Jack Donaghy that different guys provide different aspects of relationships for her.
Basically, Lochte played a dipshit who likes having sex. And that just seemed perfect. In fact, if he wants to play that same character in anything he appears in – 90210, The Bachelor, the 2016 Summer Olympics – I’m all for it. But I really hope that people actually liking his performance on 30 Rock doesn’t encourage him to think that he is hilarious. Just kidding, too late.
Nissan has created a new web series called “Date Better with Sentra” with a man identified only as “suave narrator”, and in a new commercial, he’s joined by Lochte, who is as packed with personality as ever.
Olympic gold medalist and guy who trademarked the word “JEAH”, Ryan Lochte turned 28-years old on August 3, which was almost 8 weeks ago, and that’s important to remember because he was the guest of honor at Liv in Miami this past weekend, as he celebrated his birthday. At some point Locthe morphed into a sorority girl turning 21, because even if the excuse is that he didn’t have a real birthday because he was in London, that’s BS, because by all accounts the 2012 Summer Olympics was one giant orgy.
The aspiring actor even got behind the turntables (read: a bro’s Air Mac) to play DJ at his own party, but the big news is that he made a new best bro in Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino. Is anyone on this planet even surprised at this point?
In a few months, I’m going to sink into depression. It won’t be because the Miami Dolphins will be 0 and whatever and it won’t have anything to do with the Orlando Magic embarking on a 4-win season. My misery will stem from 30 Rock airing its final episode and NBC turning its back on one of the greatest comedies in TV history in favor of low hanging fruit like Guys with Kids. But that’s what happens when only a few million people tune in. The Two and a Half Mens of this world win.
One of the many – many, many, many – reasons that I love 30 Rock and consider it in the same category as Seinfeld and Cheers is because of the writing and the lines that most people don’t even hear. With 30 Rock, there’s always a main joke, but beneath that first layer is another layer and another layer, which makes each episode as re-watchable as the next. And within those jokes and layers are some of the smartest and funniest sports jokes that have ever been written for a sitcom.
I actually started working on this before Brandon started this wonderful series, and I had about 60-something scenes and jokes picked out, but I narrowed it down to my favorite moments. Enjoy and reflect, because after this season we’ll have to hope that Tina Fey and Co. take their talents elsewhere.
Back in 2008, NBC’s 30 Rock had an episode entitled “Believe in the Stars” that dealt with Kenneth learning that Olympic hero Tyler Brody was just a fake, because there was no such thing as Olympic tetherball, octuples tennis, or synchronized running. I and the other 2 million people who watch the show religiously laughed because it playfully mocked the fad of Olympic athlete hero worship and how NBC – and every network, for that matter – tries to strike while the iron (or gold, *rimshot*) is hot.
Now, though, the joke has come full circle, because 30 Rock will have a guest appearance by Olympic gold medal swimmer Ryan Lochte this season, and I’m sure that we have someone awesome that we can all thank for this.
Oh, and you can totally thank us, your E! friends, for making this cameo happen. (You are welcome, America!) Because the ultra-busy Lochte is in New York this week covering Fashion Week for E! News (weeknights at 7 p.m.), so he was able to squeeze in the 30 Rock gig.
“It was a long morning. We did a lot of takes, but, you know what, it was fun,” Lochte tells our own Cat Sadler. “Being with Alec Baldwin on set…he’s a great guy. Great actor. I enjoyed it. I had so much fun. And I can’t really tell you what it was about, but it was outrageous.”
Really, a lot of takes? It couldn’t be Lochte’s fault, because he’s a natural, gifted actor. He’s just exploding with personality and charisma. It must have been because one of those talentless hack “actors” couldn’t get his damn lines down. I’m looking at Scott Adsit, that amateur.
30 Rock doesn’t really get any credit for how many hilarious sports jokes it delivers each season – perhaps credit is coming sooner than we think – so maybe we can hope that the premise of Lochte’s cameo is self-aware. But I’ve got $5 on what Frank’s hat will read…
UPROXX Discussion: The Best And Worst Rap Beefs Of All-Time - The best part is the link back to Danger Guerrero’s Tina Fey article where he gets all indignant about local convenience stores. Philadelphia is awesome, but not because of the places you get gas, dude. [UPROXX]
The Fifteen Greatest ’30 Rock’ Pop Culture References - Speaking of Tina Fey, I had a weird experience yesterday … I’ve been hearing everywhere how good season 5 of 30 Rock was, so I sat down to watch some of it on Netflix. That’s when I realized I’d already SEEN ALL of it and forgotten it in total. Welp! [Warming Glow]
On John Wall, The Wizards & The Case of Young Talent on Bad Teams - I may never be able to think of John Wall as a basketball player again, he’s just that guy who can’t throw a baseball. [Smoking Section]
WALL-ETHEUS Is Eager To Find Some Life Forms - The worst part about doing something creative in 2012: the Internet immediately eats it and sh*ts it out. [Gamma Squad]
The Dog from The Artist Has all the Right Moves - Now we just need to teach a wolf how to ride on the roof of a moving car. [Film Drunk]
Bronies Before Hoenies: Photos And Videos From The 2012 Winter BroNYCon - I understand what it feels like to love something uncool, but I don’t need a situation where I dress up as my favorite wrestler and go to a building where everyone else is dressed up like wrestlers, and I don’t need to blow anybody wearing a Gobbeldy Gooker costume. [UPROXX]
30 Of The Most Depressing Toddlers & Tiaras Animated Gifs On The Internet - These little girls are all going to be Courtney Stodden someday, obsessed with themselves and tweeting in alliteration. [Buzzfeed]
Flava Flav and Dee Snider Have a Crazy-Off on ‘Celebrity Wife Swap’ - Remembering people from my childhood would be awesome if they hadn’t gotten all Gollum’d out by fame. [The FW]
The 11 Crappiest Movies Of Michael Douglas’ Career -Disclosure will always be the worst to me. Demi Moore had a thing going where she’d do message movies and make them look like Cinemax. G.I. Jane, I’m looking in your direction. [Brobible]
The Muppets Invade Movies: A Gallery - In a better world, The Muppets would’ve been a colossal hit and Jim Henson would’ve risen from his grave with googly eyes to accept an Oscar. Oh well. [Unreality]
The Smell of Napalm in the Morning: The Supercut - Somebody needs to convert Apocalypse Now into 3D in post, and into smell-o-vision. [High Definite]
On John Wall, The Wizards & The Case of Young Talent on Bad Teams - I may never be able to think of John Wall as a basketball player again, he’s just that guy who can’t throw a baseball. [
