As you might’ve guessed, I get my Olympics updates exclusively from Samuel L. Jackson and Taiwan’s Next Media Animation, and so far I know more than I ever expected to about MUGGAFUQQUAHS and panda bears shooting up Chinese swimmers with comically-oversized steroid needles.

Today’s offering from Carol and whoever else is a beautifully animated recap of the Olympics feud between Australia and their “former colonial masters” Great Britain. Predictably enough, Australia’s not good at the Olympics because they’re too busy catching Fosters cans with boomerangs, having sex with sheep and letting dingoes run away with their babies. But hell, I don’t want to spoil it all for you.

Check out the video below:

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16-year old U.S. gymnast McKayla Maroney is a vault boss who was supposed to destroy everyone in the world at the thing she was born to do. Unfortunately for her, things didn’t work out like that.

“I can’t blame it on anything except I screwed up,” Maroney told Dan Wetzel of Yahoo! Sports.

Though the vault champion could not hold back her tears, she sustained her professional posture.

“I’m happy to be the Olympic silver medalist,” Maroney said. “I really am.” (via Fashion And Style)

As happy as she claimed to be, the photo at the top of his post is now her legacy. Some have called her a “mean girl” for being the Most Pissed Off Person About Vaulting Ever, but some have taken a more constructive approach: cropping her out of that photo and pasting her onto images of exciting things. Enter: McKayla Is Not Impressed, my new favorite Tumblr until Burnsy updates the one about stuff coming out of Miley Cyrus’ vagina.

Here are a few of our favorites, with a generous hat tip to Jen Haley.

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Carmelo Anthony has single-handedly destroyed entire nations during the 2012 Summer Olympics, so it should come as no surprise that some countries would love to run up and punch him in the dick. That dream was made flesh during Team USA’s final group game against Argentina.

During the final seconds of the third-quarter — and the U.S. holding a comfortable 102-76 lead over their rivals— little Facundo Campazzo hit Anthony between the legs as the All-Pro forward drained a three-point shot.

Campazzo— who is the backup to the Knicks newly signed free agent Pablo Prigioni— claims that he did not intentionally hit Anthony.

After the game, Campazzo accused U.S. point guard Chris Paul of punching him in the first half. (via The Other Paper)

Ah, the old “I didn’t do it, but he started it” defense. The best part is the side story about Kobe Bryant getting mad at yelling at Campazzo in Spanish, causing the guy to apologize TO KOBE but not Melo. That’s just the way it goes, I guess. Here’s the clip, if you want to see the “confusion” of a guy purposefully punching somebody in the junk and telling us we imagined it.

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I apologize for not keeping proper tabs on the WAGS of the Olympics, as I’ve been too busy sulking over the fact that my Russian long jumper girlfriend Darya Klishina is not competing in London. But the above photo surfaced with some others the other day of that young lady sneaking out of a club with some U.S. swimmers and my natural instinct was BOING. Wait no, I mean, “Who is that ravishing woman?”

Well it didn’t take long for the Internet to figure out – but we’re the perverts, you see – that the woman in question is 21-year old model Megan Rossee, who is apparently Michael Phelps’ main squeeze. It was hard to figure it out, too, because it’s not like she spends all day Tweeting at Phelps and calling him cute nicknames like “Bear”. Oh wait, she totally does that. Anywho, the two met at a night club in Las Vegas, which is where all true love begins, so we wish Phelps and Rossee nothing but the best of luck in all of their Subway avocado goop dreams.

After the jump, introduce yourself to Megan Rossee as she stands on the horizon of stardom.

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Despite the love affair with hating NBC for its delayed coverage and contempt for its stupid viewers, the 2012 Summer Olympics have had some amazing moments. Obviously, Gabby Douglas, Michael Phelps, Oscar Pistorious, Missy Franklin, and many others have had remarkable performances, and of course there were the pooping divers and Retta’s awesome Twitter analysis. But generating some serious buzz over the weekend was a commercial for Ragu that has absolutely nothing to do with the Summer Games, other than it aired during NBC’s coverage.

In the commercial, a young boy has a book or something that he wants to share with his parents, so he just barges into their bedroom and catches them having sex. So does he fall into a black hole of trauma and psychotic outrage that will scar him for the rest of his life? No way, Jose. His parents make it up to him with a big, heaping plate of Ragu spaghetti. I’ve been told that pasta sauce is just as effective as heroin in hiding decades of mental anguish.

Ultimately, the commercial (after the jump) is quite funny, the kind of outlandish spot you’d expect during the Super Bowl. So this begs the important question – what do the oracles of YouTube commenting have to say about it? Is it great? The greatest? Better than Nike’s “Find Your Greatness”? Or is it the worst thing that has ever been aired on TV? Let’s explore.

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NBC has received a metric ton of crap and hell for the network’s 2012 Summer Olympics coverage, and we haven’t really touched on that too much, because it’s like picking on the fat kid in dodgeball (writes the former fat kid in dodgeball). NBC has become the television equivalent of that 30-something bro who goes back to his frat’s formal every year because “It’s f*cking epic, dude!” and because he can’t move on from the glory days and try to lead a better life. Hence, the network, desperate to find success in the sitcom market, has chosen to destroy the current Thursday night lineup up 30 Rock, Parks & Rec, and Community that we obviously love so much, in favor of… Guys with Kids. Woo.

But I’ll leave the TV bashing to our weird stepbrothers over at Warming Glow. As for the Olympics, I’ve been just as frustrated as the rest of the blogosphere, because I’m a social media brat and NBC is my conservative grandfather. Basically, the network chose to ignore that every event was being aired live all over the planet, but executives felt Americans are too stupid to follow in real time, so they’ve repackaged events that already happened – and were already spoiled on Twitter – to make it seem like they were better and more dramatic than they actually were.

Alas, in a sea of NBC’s wretched filth, I have found the network’s shining Olympic star. No, it’s not the excellent Michelle Beadle. It’s Retta, who plays Donna on Parks & Rec.

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