Last night, it was like Twitter had a stroke. Tens of thousands of sports writers, bloggers, fans and general morons were going bananas over the reports that Chris Paul had been traded to the Los Angeles Lakers. The first report, which could have caused riots if true, described the trade as a straight-up deal between the Lakers – giving up Lamar Odom and Pau Gasol – and New Orleans Hornets for Chris Paul. Had that been true, David Stern and Hornets GM Dell Demps would probably be in hiding right now.

Then the correction came in – Andrew Bynum and Odom for Chris Paul. A little better, but still nonsense in the eyes of most middle market fans. That couldn’t be the best deal the Hornets could get, and thankfully it wasn’t. The final, actual deal came in – Paul to the Lakers, Gasol to the Houston Rockets, and Odom, Kevin Martin, Goran Dragic and Luis Scola to the Hornets. Even then, nobody was pleased, and it turns out the league owners were the least pleased of all, because they said, “F*ck a bunch of that” and within two hours this blockbuster was squashed.

Why, you ask? Well, it’s complicated.

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Good morning from Arlington, Texas, home of the Dallas Cowboys and Texas Rangers, neither of whom I am here to see. I’m updating today’s Morning Links from a Days Inn, and let me tell you, this is the best hotel room 60 dollars can buy. Did somebody say “exposed light bulbs”?

Links

EveryTweet_Ever Is Aptly Named, Hilarious - Link title is aptly named. Girl On Vacation is especially biting, even if I’m a sucker for pictures like that. [UPROXX]

The Five Grinchiest Comics About Christmas - The One Best Comic About Christmas: that Michaelangelo Ninja Turtles one-shot. [Gamma Squad]

Video: The Top 50 Moments Of The NBA Lockout Games - Now you too can be a basketball hipster, refusing to watch the NBA’s shortened season because Kobe dunking on Jewish guys was so much purer. [Smoking Section]

Jean-Ralphio: The Greatest Thing to Happen to Romance Since Color Me Badd - The only character I like more than Jean-Ralphio is Lil’ Sebastian. Oh who am I kidding, I love every character on that show. [Warming Glow]

Full trailer for Tim & Eric movie: Robert Loggia cuts off a lady’s finger - I don’t know who watched Tim & Eric and thought “hey, this will work for 90 minutes straight”, but more power to them. As long as Steve Brule shows up. [Film Drunk]

Kelly Brook Has A New Calendar And It’s Totally Sports Related - A think we did featuring 12-ish pictures of the biggest and best 32-ish year old breasts in England. Revisit it. [With Leather]

The 45 Most Powerful Images Of 2011 - This list became invalid when “Lady Gaga as human motorcycle” was not included. Just kidding, this is awesome. [Buzzfeed]

Sexy portrait of Queen Victoria painted in 1843 kept Prince Albert busy in the can - I’m not sure why “sexy portrait of Queen Victoria” is something that’d get me to click a link, but Jesus, here we are. [FARK]

Are Movie Titles Too Literal? - Yes. [Moviefone]

Tis the Season for Gingerbread AT-ATs - See what you’ve done, prequels? This would’ve been the coolest thing in history in 1993. [Unreality]

How Drunk You Can Get At Your Office Holiday Party - If your first thought was “I don’t know, let’s find out”, you are awesome. [BroBible]

Jeff Goldblum in a field with a butterfly on his finger - I’m going to convince myself this is an example of Chaos Theory. [The High Definite]

Sorry, Teen Wolf fans.

Perhaps I was a bit too bold a few weeks ago, declaring the NBA season dead, because as I had pointed out on quite a few occasions, the players were going to eventually become desperate enough to take whatever they could get. And it finally happened, as the players and owners have apparently agreed in principle on a new CBA that will keep us lockout free for at least the next 6 years and will allow the NBA to move forward with a 66-game season starting on Christmas Day.

Of course we all know by now that the players received 57% of the basketball related income under the last CBA, but we also know that 22 teams supposedly lost a combined $400 million last year, so the split had to be balanced more in the owners’ favor. The players were cool with that, offering to take just 53% and they said that was their firm offer and they wouldn’t budge, even if it meant losing the season. Then their yacht and custom shoe bills came in and they were like, “LOL JK we’ll take 49%.”

Winner: Owners.

So what do both sides get out of this nonsense?

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I suppose that if you’re a once-dominant NBA center and the face of an entire nation’s athletic ambitions, you’re probably going to want to branch out when that basketball career is cut short by nagging injuries. Such is the case with former Houston Rockets center Yao Ming, who is going to use his athletic fame to propel him into the next phase of his professional life – wine maker.

Yao Ming Wine will be available for purchase for the first time ever this Sunday at an auction benefiting the Special Olympics East Asia. But whether you’re a Sino Sommelier or just a guy who loves to get drunk, it’s going to take a little bit of effort to get your hands on a bottle of Yao.

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The other day I was at Publix, purchasing my daily requirements of condoms and bacon when I saw the latest tabloid rags bagging on the Kardashian Klan for what we all knew was the fakest marriage since Liza Minelli and David Guest. Of course, only weeks ago, the same magazines were calling the marriage of Kim Kardashian and New Jersey Nets mouth breather Kris Humphries the American version of the Royal Wedding. My point is that tabloids can all fist themselves.

But it was only a matter of time before the Kardashian spin machine, run spectacularly by matriarch Kris Jenner, got the rags back on the family’s side. Enter US Weekly, which is pathetically trying to convince us that not only was the marriage real, but Humphries was a total dick.

After lavishly tying the knot Aug. 20, Kardashian’s hubby soaked up the perks of being married to one of the most successful reality stars ever — staying out late at clubs in NYC and L.A., and demanding free bottle service and more wherever he went.

Even worse? He could be downright cruel to Kardashian, 31. “He belittled her in front of people,” one insider tells Us. “He’d call her stupid. It was truly sickening.”

Humphries also allegedly called Kardashian a “fat ass” which would be terrible if it weren’t totally true. But the main point here is that US wants people to believe that Humphries is an a-hole. I probably would if it weren’t for the fact that we know every second of their relationship was fake.

We know that Kim’s people reached out to Danilo Gallinari before she settled on Humphries, and we know that she had the engagement ring that Humphries “gave her” for at least two years before they even got engaged. We also know that the Kardashians received at least $17 million for their wedding on E! and we know that the entire family is nothing but a bunch of unapologetic fame whores. So please, lonely women who watch their terrible TV shows and encourage their celebrity status, let the Kardashians slip away into nothingness.

If not for the fact that they are worthless and offer nothing to organized society, then do it for the fact that they tried to get “Dancing With the Stars” viewers to vote for Rob Kardashian over an American soldier who was wounded for his country.

Ron Artest, AKA Metta World Peace, is by all accounts – and I’m using a technical medical term here – out of his f*cking mind. Thankfully, though, he’s been a breath of fresh air during this NBA lockout with his ambitious efforts of being a “comedian.” Granted, most of his Twitter jokes don’t induce laughs as much as they cause crickets to chirp, but at least the guy is trying.

But as Pro Basketball Talk pointed out, Artest Tweeted the above idea the other day and it is the most refreshing idea that I’ve heard during this entire STUPID F*CKING NBA LOCKOUT. One owner, one player. One-on-one to determine the fate of the lockout. If the owner wins, they all get 53% like they’re currently asking. If the player wins, his side gets 53% like they wanted. I know he says 70% but let’s be real. Besides, who wouldn’t want to watch this?

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