WHAT - ARE YOU - PREPARED - TO DO?

Get our your vuvuzelas: it’s time to skip out of work and watch the USA’s match versus Algeria (kick-off at 10 a.m. Eastern) in the U.S. team’s final match in group play. Despite the disappointing tie against Slovenia, the Americans can still win the group outright with a win and a little help from England in their match against the surprisingly tough Slovenes.

If you’re late arriving to the USMNT bandwagon, don’t worry: this is America, there’s always PLENTY of room left on the bandwagon. The only thing you Johnny-Come-Latelys need to do is watch these two videos in immediate succession just before kick-off, AND GET PUMPED:

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How 'bout the power of flight? That do anything for ya?

WOOOOOOOO! Welcome to your official USA versus Slovenia thread! The best place to wear the Stars and Stripes and talk trash about Slovenia. Hey Slovenia! You, uh… you… *searches globe for Slovenia* uhhhmmm… *looks up Slovenia on Wikipedia* you only have a population of 2.06 million! Ooohhh, that’s a burn.

Despite their tiny population and rustic vacation-country charm, Slovenia are the Group C leaders, having dispatched Algeria last Saturday. So a win here would put the United States in excellent position to advance to the second round. And it should be some of the best soccer of the tournament, right?

The probability is that the center will be crowded on Friday, with all eight midfielders and possibly Dedic battling in the same space. It’s likely to be attritional and unpleasant, a battle of will as much as ability. There won’t be any sweeping 20-pass flurries or brilliant slaloming dribbles; aesthetes should probably turn away. Art, though, comes in many guises, and just because it isn’t beautiful doesn’t mean it isn’t soccer.

Um, not exactly the ringing endorsement I was looking for, Jonathan Wilson (that’s from a preview detailing how Slovenia’s style is similar to the US’s, by the way). That’s not how you psych up fans for a big match. Here, let me try: Hey, the Vietnam War wasn’t pretty, but we still won that. Shut up!  I SAID WE WON DAMMIT!

Awwww yeah! It’s time for another WORLD CUPDATE! You didn’t ask for it, you don’t want it, but it’s here anyway, just like your herpes. Go ahead and be annoyed with the soccer coverage, but at least THIS only flares up every four years.

With group play not even one-third finished, the biggest story of the World Cup continues to be the omnipresent buzz of vuvuzelas during matches. While modern science has found a way to cancel the noise out, the Internet has embraced the plastic horn as if it were a Japanese dog riding a bicycle. This collection could be just the beginning — we’ve got another four weeks until the tournament’s over.

Unfortunately for purposes of humor, the games aren’t decided by horns and Photoshop. In fact, many of the games haven’t been decided at all, with a prevalence of draws in the first cycle of games. Yesterday offered two more: a 1-1 final for New Zealand-Slovakia that featured a dramatic goal in stoppage time to salvage the Kiwis’ first-ever World Cup point, and a scoreless draw between Portugal and the Ivory Coast that was memorable only for the uninspired play and terrible officiating of Jorge Larrionda, the same ref who butchered the USA-Italy atrocity in 2006. It was a lousy start for Group G, the so-called “Group of Death,” which should have changed the BZZZZZZ of vuvuzelas to simply ZZZzzzz.

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Katy Perry was pictured sporting this dress on Saturday, in order to play Switzerland as the US squared off against England in the World Cup. A classic move reminiscent of Laura Quinn’s neutral Fiesta Bowl jersey. Perry, who is engaged to gender curious “comedian” Russel Brand, certainly proved herself to be a snappy dresser. She took what could have potentially been an awkward situation and made a titty witty joke out of it.

Like a donkey eating a waffle! Sweet Sassy Molassey! Get out the checkbook and pay grandma for the rubdown!

Now that I’ve got that out of my system – among other things – let’s move on. As you probably already know, Katy Perry is an all-American gal, but she also has to weigh a conflict of interest of sorts given that her fiancé is none other than British comedian Russell Brand. So, the lovely Miss Perry did her best to straddle the conflict regarding the U.S.-England match on Saturday by rocking this incredible getup which featured both the U.S. and Union Jack flags. –Sportressofblogitude

I’m a fan of women being athletically aware, but the flag she sported on her chest dress isn’t the English flag. She was wearing this the British flag. The English flag is actually this. I know that because I took geography class in middle school. We had pop quizzes on what countries had which flags, and I studied for those quizzes. Afterwords, I got high on Sharpie ink and slept through algebra class.

I bet some douche clothing designed made the dress that way intentionally. Those people don’t have time to care about what’s factually relevant. They’re way too busy doing coke and smoking with cigarettes in the company of lingerie models to be troubled with things that the “hoi polloi” believe are “written in books” or “bad for your health.”

More pictures of Katy can be seen here, and the ref’d SNL skit can be seen after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

She's the front runner. I wonder why...

There’s never really a bad time to post a picture of a scantily clad beautiful woman, but this time, it’s actually relevant. The gambling site Paddy Power has joined forces with the newspaper The Irish Mirror to combine man’s most heated passions: sports, beautiful women, and nonsensical competition, into the greatest idea of all time. Betting on the wives and girlfriends of World Cup players. The front runner? Ms. Irina Shayk, the above-pictured girlfriend of Christiano Ronaldo.

The betting house Paddy Power has teamed with the Irish Mirror to allow wagering on the wives and girlfriends of World Cup players.

Irina Shayk, the girlfriend of Cristiano Ronaldo is the 9-4 favorite to be voted overall sexiest while Abbey Clancy, girlfriend of Peter Crouch, is 5-2 and the favorite for best legs. –USAToday

The categories up for wager include: best legs, grumpiest WAG, sexiest WAG, best smile, and most stylish. I can think of about a hundered things I’d rather gamble on than “most stylish,” and I’d list them if I still wasn’t confused about seeing that Abbey Clancy is linked to Peter Crouch. Peter Crouch is the Greg Ostertag Luc Longley of the EPL, and should certainly not be with the heaven-sent mirage that is Abbey Clancy. “But Ryan,” you say. “Isn’t someone’s inner beauty more important than their physical attractiveness?” Not if you look like Abbey Clancy. She could drown a litter of puppies right in front of me, and all I’d be able to focus on was having sex with her. More WAGs after the jump because, hey, you deserve it. Read the rest of this entry »

Pictured here is yesterday’s cover for the New York post (click for larger). As you can see, it claims USA WINS 1-1, with the sub-headline “Greatest tie against British since Bunker Hill” — no small feat given the War of 1812.

Now, the New York Post isn’t exactly a bastion of journalism; it once cited The Big Lead as a source. But the predictable puns in its headlines give the paper a sort of classless charm, like your mom after a couple margaritas. And, to the paper’s credit, it likely references the famous “Harvard Beats Yale 29-29” headline, a point completely missed by Mediaite and countless others.

You would think if any country in the world would understand trashy rags with tacky headlines, it would be Great Britain, home of the Sun, the Mirror, and other filth. Nope. Here are some ACTUAL reactions to this headline from England fans:

This reminded me of the ‘Dewey Defeats Truman’ banner headline of the Chicago Tribune back in 1948.  How very embarassing… and it’s not soccer.  It’s FOOTBALL!!!

And the US was playing ENGLAND…not BRITAIN! [source]

Actually, the DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN headline was incorrect because it was premature and presumptive. Perhaps if the New York Post had printed this paper before halftime with the headline ENGLAND WINS 1-0, then it would be like the Chicago Tribune. But that, amazingly, is the LEAST bitchy of the Brit responses:

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