When your brother’s the most famous soccer player in the world who can change the course of cool hair history with the swipe of a razor blade, ‘EBT card’ shouldn’t even be in your vocabulary. Unfortunately for David Beckham’s extremely ugly older sister, she doesn’t understand the concept that she can mine her super rich brother for money that’ll keep her living like the prince of Persia until her little heart explodes from excessive lobster consumption. Because of this she’s living, as the English call it, ‘on the dole’, which is the inferior way of saying she’s sucking at the festering teet of Obamacare. Or would it be Queen of Englandcare?

Jobless mum-of-three Lynne Beckham, 38, claims £164 a week in benefits. A source close to the family said: “She has had a bit of bad luck.”

Lynne’s poverty-stricken secret life will today dump even more misery on her famous brother. In one of the worst weeks of his soccer career, we can reveal Lynne, 38, has signed on the dole. She claims benefits totalling £164 a week which is less than Becks earns in just two seconds. The 35-year-old star, believed to be worth £125million, once vowed in an interview about his rise to fame: “The only thing my dad said to me was, ‘look after your two sisters’, and I always will.”

He bought Lynne her four-bedroom home 12 years ago – still registered in his name – and gives her and her three children vouchers to shop with at Kent’s smart Bluewater centre. He also pays her mobile phone bill so they can keep in regular contact. -News of the World

At least I can cross Beckham off of my get rich scheme of compiling a list of celebrities to convince into thinking I’m their long lost bastard child with a monstrous learning disability that’ll take tons of money to rectify. I think I can pull it off.

If you’re ever in the vicinity of Michael Irvin’s belongings you should maybe not touch his hall of fame jacket. The former Dallas Cowboys receiving great was so excited about receiving his hall of fame jacket he refused to take it off when his wife wanted to do it like they do on the discovery channel. I of course am not talking about shark week, though that the idea of Michael Irvin getting eaten by a great white is an image I would love to have burned into my memory bank. Anyway, they allegedly got nasty with his hall of fame jacket on. I wonder if his hookers got the same treatment.

NFL Hall of Famer Michael Irvin on Wednesday chuckled as he told us about the tradition of championship players spending time with the Stanley Cup: “I remember when I was inducted into the Hall of Fame and they gave me my Hall of Fame yellow blazer. I wore it for two straight days. Finally my wife was in bed and said she wanted to make love but that I had to take the coat off. I refused and kept the blazer on because I wanted to perform like a Hall of Famer on the field and off.” -Chicago Tribune

I wonder how his wife gets through those nights. She probably closes her eyes and imagines he’s Steve Young.

Amidst all of the ‘will he won’t he’ retirement rumors that we’ve seem to be encumbered with for the past millenia comes a hilariously disgusting story from the Daily Line’s Jenn Sterger via the dick picture hotline that is Deadspin these days. According to Daulerio, when Favre and Sterger were both employees of the New York Jets the old gunslinger got a bit lonely in the big city and started leaving raunchy voicemails and dick pictures for the enjoyment of the big breasted Sterger that she still has safely tucked away inside of her computer.

Sterger claimed she spurned Favre’s advances because he was married, but also because she was working for the Jets at the time she didn’t think it was the best idea to start a torrid affair with the team’s highest profile player (the Jets have not responded to a question about any knowledge of the Favre/Sterger saga at this time). Plus, if she went forward with how aggressive he was and how skeeved out she was to some of her superiors, she suspected she might lose her job. The interactions were flirty and strange but she didn’t think there wasn’t anything that made her too uncomfortable. Read the rest of this entry »

By now I’m sure you’re probably quite informed about the incident when the Los Angeles Times made Kobe Bryant look like a demon possessed Amish mime. Unfortunately for Dodgers right fielder Andre Ethier, they’ve decided that he’s their next victim and for reasons I can’t comprehend, he accepted, thus creating the ‘bicurious lion tamer’ look that will haunt him for as long as the internets remain en vogue.

Why did the LA Times dress him up in such fancy garb besides the fact that they hate him, you ask? Because he fell into the trap of saying he was a better than adequate dresser.

Are you a guy who likes to dress up off the field—more than the jeans most ballplayers favor?

If you ask my teammates, they’d say yeah. There are two or three of us guys on the team known for wearing not the usual jeans and sweaters. I try and have the whole outfit going together, rather than just a mishmash. I see the locker-room guys picking up my sweater or looking at my shoes and thinking, What the heck is this guy wearing? -LA Times

Man, I can’t quit staring at that picture. I HAVE NOT BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY, ANDRE. SAVE YOUR DOMINATRIX WAYS FOR MANNY, GODDAMMIT!

All of your vacation stories about ‘almost touching hot lava!’, ‘kissing a dolphin!’ and ‘sexual intercourse with Dikembe Mutombo!’ are now put to shame in comparison to the story of a duo of Germans who’ve decided to swim over three hundred miles by October with their flock of pet ducks in tow. As a person who gets winded after two minutes of treading water, I’m mortified by the thought of swimming so long without the assistance of little floaties and a mechanized kickboard that propels me to relaxation.

Maybe they’re bringing the ducks, so they can hook them up like a horse and buggie which will again prove to nature that humans are the vastly superior race. In fact, I may try to do this at my local swimming pool (and by local swimming pool I mean digging through the trash at the Clarion Hotel for thrown out keycards that’ll let me use illegally use their facilities). Get out of my way, old people! My abuse of ducks is more important than your water aerobics! The couple (Add them on facebook!) will begin their journey today, which confounds me. Do they realize they’ll be missing Shark Week?

Two Germans set out on an unusual summer holiday on Monday, beginning a 500 km (311 miles) swim down a river from central Germany to the North Sea with seven pet ducks.

Starting in the town of Kassel, 33-year-old Pia Marie Witt, 58-year-old Wilfried Arnold and their ornithic companions will swim down the Fulda and Weser rivers, hoping to reach the North Sea port of Bremerhaven by mid-September.

Witt and Arnold aim to swim 10 to 15 km per day — an order too tall for the seven runner ducks, which will swim for about 20 minutes a day, following by car or boat when exhaustion kicks in. -Yahoo!

Wait wait wait, these ducks can drive, too?! How do they decide which one gets to steer?

Welcome to Weekend Picks, where Shakey arbitrarily picks a handful of games and then demands that you watch them. His picks are in bold for some reason. Probably because I’m a horrible manager of people. -JZ.

Phillies @ Nationals: Hey hey, it’s the inaugural start for Roy Oswalt as a member of the Philadelphia Phillies, the team that I pledge my allegiances to! I mean, I’m not going to watch the game because I’ll be busy playing board games while mocking all of my friends until they loathe me, but I’m sure it’s going to be excellent. By the way, I have deemed the duo of Roys at the top of the Phillies rotation as ‘Royz In the Hood’, and if you choose to call them by any other name I will call on my very large and street savvy neighbor black men to slay you. They won’t actually OBEY me, but it’s still a threat! Anyway, this reminds me of the famous Oswalt story shrouded in folklore that is most invariably a lie. When Oswalt was a high school pitcher, his elbow was hurting him quite terribly one day when he decided to try and fix his dad’s truck. He received a gigantic electric shock from the motor that went right up his right arm and ever since then his arm has never hurt him to this day. Though I choose to believe this story as it is awesome, it eerily reminds me of the story of one of my favorite extremely shitty superheroes “Static Shock“, who flies around on a trash can lid fed by electricity and got his powers when he was shocked by a nuclear reactor, because he is a gigantic imbecile who hangs around nuclear reactors in his free time. Oh yeah, the Nationals will be there too.

Diamondbacks @ Mets: There’s really no point in watching this game unless you want to watch Jose Reyes do all of those ridiculously complicated handshakes he’s spent all of the time he should be using to get better at baseball figuring out. On the plus side, watching him do them will make you realize he is a complete and utter douchebag. Read the rest of this entry »