It’s been a confusing few days for the organizations who inexplicably want the services of outfielder/DH Johnny Damon, the 36-year-old former Red Sox star who has slowly morphed from a player who based his career on his ability to run into a player who’s basing his career on the fact that he used to be able to run. He’s always had maybe the weakest throwing arm in all of major league baseball, and now that his speed has diminished so badly that he barely ever plays the field, spending only 37 of the 113 games he’s played so far with a glove in his hand. The only redeeming quality he has left besides his ‘leadership’ is his ability to hit baseballs, and he’s been doing that at a pretty subpar clip thus far.

Yet for reasons that have to do with nostalgia and the close to complete destruction of their starting roster due to injuries, the Red Sox decided that Damon would the perfect remedy for a flailing team and claimed him off of waivers from the Detroit Tigers. And for reasons that may be even more idiotic, Damon decided to decline the offer to return to a city full of friends where he won a World Series championship, became a folk hero and had one of the best heads of hair in recent memory by stating that he, “Loves Detroit” which is ridiculous because people who live in Detroit can’t even jade themselves into thinking they love Detroit. Maybe he was frightened that the receding hairline he’s sporting now will tarnish the memory of the flowing Jesus locks he had while playing for Boston in 2004.

Johnny Damon is staying with the Tigers after all, saying “I love Detroit.” The Tigers outfielder said before Tuesday night’s game against Kansas City that he decided to pass up a chance to return to the Boston Red Sox, with whom he became a cult hero in helping lead the team to a World Series title in 2004, its first since 1918. The Red Sox claimed Damon on waivers this week, but he had the right to veto a move to Boston because of a no-trade clause in his contract.

“It’s good for us. He stays here and we can play more together and see what happens. We can do a lot of things,” Cabrera said. “We can win more games, we can get more support in the lineup. If he stays here for some reason, it’s because he likes it here, he believes in us. That’s good.”

“These guys really like me here,” Damon said Tuesday, adding that he spoke to each of his teammates individually to be sure he was wanted in the Tigers’ clubhouse. -ESPN

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Everybody’s had those Rip Van Winkle days when we fade off to sleep forgetting to recharge our phone batteries and wake up to the realization that the Turkish immigrants you hired to dust your house for two bucks an hour have been banging on the screen door for almost half the day. This is what happened to third-ranked Jim Furyk this morning as he went to bed with visions of Barclays grandeur and woke up with the crushing realization that he’s never going to bang as many women as Tiger Woods…and he’s also late for his playoff golf tournament.

On the bright side, at least he’ll always have that awesome trophy on his mantle of a colonial man deftly wielding a golf club that hasn’t even been invented yet that I’d make PUNTE hump Elvis’ rotting carcass to own.

The No. 3-ranked player in the FedEx Cup points standings was disqualified from The Barclays at Ridgewood Country Club this morning after missing his 7:30 a.m. pro-am tee time. As per PGA Tour rules, players who are in the pro-am field must be on their tee at the designated time or are disqualified from the week’s event.

“I don’t know if something happened with the charger or what, but I never got it,” Furyk said outside of the Ridgewood locker room this morning. “I just tore out of there, threw a pair of pants on and a shirt — still have no belt, no socks and my shoes are untied — and actually got in the locker room at 7:35, but I guess I had to be on the tee.” -NJ.com

He paused to put on pants and a shirt!? Come on! There’s no better way to show other golfers you’re in it to demolish them than to show up half naked with a full mast of morning wood brandishing from your boxer shorts. Incidently, this is how most of my first dates begin (and end).

Here’s a man who should probably consider a future of boxed seating. Though I’ve never really had the honor of lunging for a foul ball directed in the general vicinity of my well being besides the one time at a Reading Phillies game when a screaming liner ended up 8 rows above me and I found myself curled up under my seat in the fetal position begging every God in my memory bank for mercy, I’d have to assume that most human beings are generally capable of putting up a better attempt at fielding a foul ball then this poor unfortunate soul at last night’s Texas Rangers-Minnesota Twins game whose eye has seen better days. Let’s hope that eye wasn’t that important to him.

Though most people usually feel pretty safe surrounded by 40,000 people at a major league baseball game (unless you’re a Florida Marlins fan, in which you can change that number to 62), I’ve always found myself with that tiny thought in the back of my head that, you know, at any moment Ryan Howard could potentially knock my skull off. When I hear the crack of the bat at heart I always think, “Alright, which fat person am I hiding behind today?” This guy thought otherwise. Now this is purely assumption, of course, but when that ball is flying at your face at 120 miles per hour, the flight or fight kicks in and this dude decided that he had enough baseball chops to make the catch.

Unfortunately for him, his hands decided to outsource the catching duties to his left eye ball and we’re left laughing at a poor guy who just wanted to make his momma proud with a souvenir. Hey, for what it’s worth at least he looks cooler with the baseball to the eye than the guy to his right who kind of looks like he just got his privates tickled by a slimy octopus, eh?

Also, look on the bright side; that evil lady behind him now has a really awesome facebook profile picture.

H/T Sportress of Blogitude

Shaquille O’Neal has rebounded from his wife of seven years Shaunie and I’m quite sure you recognize the name from the hours you’ve all spent poring over re-runs of VH1 reality shows of yore. Hey, I don’t blame you. The idea of Flavor Flav slobbering on a bunch of hot 20-somethings as they struggle between the decision of acquiring more cable television face time by succumbing to the grapplings of a wrinkly old pseudo homelessman who screams a lot or acquiring face time by instead attacking the other women of the house is compelling television. Anyway, the winner of the first season of ‘Flavor of Love’, Hoopz, is now in the towering grasps of Shaquille O’Neal and they’re going to get married. Let’s hope she has a gigantic birth canal.

Perhaps Shaq is planning on feathering his nest with reported fiancee Nicole “Hoopz” Alexander.

According to the St. Louis Post Dispatch, the Big Guy got down on one knee on the dance floor at the Sahara Mediterranean Cuisine and Hookah Lounge in suburban St. Louis over the weekend and put a ring on his date’s finger.

Internet reports say Shaq, who was in the Gateway City to play in a charity golf tournament, has been keeping company with Hoopz, a former contestant on the VH1 reality show “I Love Money,” for a few months. -Boston Herald

It’s good to see that a master manipulator like Hoopz, who also won that VH1 reality show ‘I Love Money’ where they attempted to get all of their former ‘stars’ together in a last ditch ratings grab attempt at showing that it is indeed possible to recover from the chemical baths deemed necessary after spending a night with Flavor Flav, can use her master manipulation skills in the real world to secure the sugar daddy her selfish ass needs to stay happy. I can’t wait until Flavor Flav shows up to the wedding with a tub of gorilla glue and a Swedish to German dictionary and whispers to Shaq, “You’re gonna need this.”

The Yankees spend a week every year doing something called HOPE week, where they spend a week trying to do good deeds for sad little children as part of a community outreach program to give back for being the most evil franchise in modern sporting history. The first party thrown was for little Jorge Grajales. Unfortunately for him and some poor patsy in the Yankees’ community outreach planning department, it was a pool party and he’s a quadruple amputee. What’re they going to do, pretend to have fun in the pool as he wistfully looks at their moving appendages in sadness? At least he gets to ogle girlfriend breasts, eh?

Mariano Rivera, Nick Swisher, Brett Gardner, Dustin Moseley, Kevin Long and Mike Harkey surprised 13-year-old quadruple amputee Jorge Grajales with a pool party in New Jersey.

Jorge and his foster parents, John and Faye Dyksen, live in North Haledon. Family friends hosted the pool party, where the Yankees players and coaches surprised Jorge. The group of friends and family will be invited to tonight’s game at Yankee Stadium where Jorge will throw out the first pitch. -LoHude Yankees Blog

They’re going to make him sit at his own pool party from a wheelchair then make him throw a baseball with no arms?! What kind of sick twisted torture program is this, anyway?! Ashton Kutcher, is that you?

it’s always a good moment when you’re walking down the street and all of a sudden you see something crazy, like a walrus doing calisthenics or Adrien Brody and you stop yourself to think, “Well that’s not really supposed to happen.” That’s what I thought when I saw this video of a priest named Zoltan Lendvai, whose using that shock value of a rabbi doing fancy tricks to teach little children how to become catholics with Rodney Mullen-esque street moves, an outfit out of Darth Maul’s wardrobe and an attitude that’s straight radical, dude!!!

A Hungarian Roman Catholic priest has become a YouTube hit with his distinctive method of spreading the word on wheels. The Reverend Zoltan Lendvai, 45, who lives and preaches in Redics, a small village on Hungary’s border with Slovenia, believes skateboarding can open the way to God for young people. The video of him in action, Funny Priest Skateboarding, has so far attracted close to 170,000 hits and now also has a music version.

Lendvai says he follows the ways of Saint John Bosco, an Italian priest and educator in the 19th century who dedicated his life to improving the lot of poor youngsters and used games as part of their education.

“Many times I have felt that this is the way I can bring many people a bit closer to Jesus,” he told Reuters. -Yahoo!

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