Sean Avery, the undisputed most hated man in a hockey arena, was at his havoc wreaking best over the weekend when he ‘snowed’ Islanders goalie Rick DiPietro in a classic show of douchebaggery on par with most Enrique Iglesias music videos then proceeded to hightail it away from a fighting opportunity when he was challenged by Islanders defenseman James Wisniewski. Avery’s payment? Getting a free showing of how much his self worth relates to a certain way of vesticle scrubbing in the eyes of the Islanders. I applaud your impeccable form, young padawan! Read the rest of this entry »

1. A hapless running back doing hapless things: I’ve done this in Madden countless times, but I never thought I’d find someone as stupid as me who’d actually attempt the ‘run backwards hoping for that break around the defense that will never come’ football theory in real life. Something tells me his mother’s about to pick a new favorite child. H/T S.O.B.

2. Shoes for bike tires: I’m not sure how useful this bike’ll be in day-to-day life but it sure as hell is cooler then the Segway. Read the rest of this entry »

Newly minted Seattle Seahawk head coach Pete Carroll’s never ending tour of trying to be the zany coach every player is supposed to love continued this week as he used the old parlor trick retirement home facilitators use to thin out the herd by putting a fake snake in a water cooler then videotaping the subsequent reactions. Make sure to watch until the end where you can see a pissed off Matt Hasselbeck grab the offending plastic serpent by the neck as he searches for a perpetrator to murder. Spoilsport!

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Hanley Ramirez thought he needed a change of mirror scenery. He not only got that but a newfound ability to scare the bejesus out of little children as well, as his attempts at changing his locks into platinum failed miserably, morphing him into somebody Ronald McDonald might call a friend.

Hanley Ramirez should keep his day job as Marlins shortstop. He tried dying his hair blond this morning at the team hotel, but it came out… how shall we say… red? Rust? Brown? Hanley’s new look comes with a new spot in the batting order — third, which isn’t actually a new spot. He hit there last year and most of this year before being moved to the lead-off spot.

“That was the turning point — I saw his hair color and it looked like a three hitter,” manager Edwin Rodriguez joked. -Palm Beach Post

Though his new hairdo makes it look like he’s an escapee from a psychiatric ward who thinks he’s found the perfect disguise, he should maybe keep it as his first game with follicles that belong on a safety cone brought him a day of 4/5 hitting. Alas, it has most probably wreaked havoc on the chances of him winning any potential games of hide-and-seek he was planning on playing this weekend.

VIDEO AFTER THE JUMP
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Most of the blogosphere has been waiting with baited breath as we imagine a world where Jay Mariotti has no place to type or blather for our annoyance. That day has finally come, as Mariotti has been suspended indefinitely by his employers ESPN and AOL Fanhouse after allegedly assaulting his girlfriend Saturday morning near their apartment complex. We can finally bid Jay’s smarmy face adieu from our television screens and make fun of Bill Plaschke’s inability to pronounce simple words in peace like I’ve always dreamed.

Says an AOL Fanhouse representative to SI’s Richard Deitsch, “We are continuing to gather all the facts. In the meantime, we have suspended Jay Mariotti and are not featuring any new work from him.”

From Sports By Brooks comes more news:

Mariotti was arrested and charged with felony domestic assault in L.A. on Saturday morning after an alleged altercation with his girlfriend. The police report from the incident has not yet been made public by the Los Angeles Police Dept. Sources told me today that the Around The Horn panelist appearance schedule is drawn only a week in advance.

That said, I’ve been advised that Mariotti’s legal troubles were indeed relevant to his not being assigned to the show next week. Meanwhile, the move by AOL Fanhouse comes in light of website commenters posting indelicate reactions to Mariotti’s arrest on many of his archived columns on the website.

So there you have it! Jay Mariotti has finally done himself in. And to think I always thought it’d happen because he’d get killed by an unruly bar patron pissed off by how much Mariotti was lurking on people. And hey, who knows; he could still be playing Around the Horn in jail. Unfortunately for him, the rules are going to be quite different, if you know what I mean.

Apparently the artist formerly known as Optimus Prime is a fan of poorly thrown footballs because he’s changed his allegiances from the protector of all humankind to the number one fan of the Seattle Seahawks. Decepticons everywhere will be sleeping a little snugger tonight knowing that the mightiest of all Autobots is now spending his days sexy dancing behind a couple of horrible white rappers as they crow about Steve Largent and their tattoos of the number twelve.

Though the rapping becomes unbearable after about a minute, the sight of a transformer gyrating around a suburban hedge makes me quite giddy. The fact that humanity is back at risk because one of the Autobots discovered football does not, but I’ll take the good with the bad. Plus this probably means Transformers III is probably cancelled, and another movie without Shia LaBeouf is another movie I can get behind.

VIDEO AFTER JUMP
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