Four seconds is not only the amount of time I would last in bed with that lovely goddess Larissa Riquelme in the picture above, but it is also how long it took an Italian soccer team to score against some other Italian soccer team I can’t spell or pronounce. Just enjoy the quick-thinking of the striker to immediately boot it right after kickoff (seriously, did he really think he was going to get a goal?) and the poor goalie attempting to stop a shot that can’t be saved.

If you are so busy that you can’t watch the 30-second video, the goal happens at 0:12. There you go, Mr. I’m-So-Important-I-Wear-Pants.

Also, listen for the Black Eyed Peas right before the goal. THEIR MUSIC IS INFECTING EVERY COUNTRY.

Fantasy baseball alert! Are you familiar with first baseman Kendry Morales of the Los Angeles Angels? Well, there’s something you should know about him now. His name is actually Kendrys Morales by birth, so factor that into your mock drafts this season. Suck it, Matthew Berry. I’m better than you!

On Wednesday the Angels’ communication office released the a statement to the media saying that the official spelling of the player’s name is Kendrys Morales.

According to the statement, Morales’ first name has been inaccurately spelled without the ‘S’ since he came to the United States. -FOXSports.

Enough about that. On to the video! Below is the thing that Morales is probably best remembered for: the grand-slam broken leg extravaganza. Skip to about the one-minute mark to see a combination of celebration and pain all in one event. That’s also the description I put for my flyers when I have my “confetti orgies.” If you’re interested, I’ll put you on the mailing list. Just let me know, dude.

During Sunday’s game against the Cleveland Cavaliers, Chris Paul of the New Orleans Hornets ran into Ramon Sessions, hitting his head and going down on the floor. It was eerily similar to what happened to Marquis Daniels about a month ago, who is out for a while now.

It was later reported that Paul suffered a concussion, which doesn’t seem that bad considering all the medical stuff he was put in when he got carted off the court. I’m no doctor, but I wish I was one so I could get a ton of money. It seems like a lot of work though. Hope you didn’t caught looking at that (arguably ineffective) curveball I just threw. Call me Joba Chamberlain. Yes, I AM going to make finger-guns after I finish writing this.

Video after the jump.
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It seems fitting that Mark Cuban, a famous guy who never shuts his mouth, would talk to Charlie Sheen, a man who is rapidly reaching that stage as the random-ass tweets keep popping out of his Twitter account. I’m sure these two creative minds will definitely come up with something coherent that doesn’t consist of any ranting at all.

Mark Cuban, the outspoken billionaire owner of the NBA’s Dallas Mavericks, and controversial actor Charlie Sheen could soon be business partners.

Cuban confirmed Sunday evening that he’s had several conversations with Sheen recently about developing programming for HDNet, the cable network Cuban owns.

“You’ve got somebody that everybody has a whole lot of interest in who’s doing some interesting things, to say the least, and we always look for interesting programming by featuring interesting people doing interesting things,” Cuban said before the Mavericks’ game against the Memphis Grizzlies. “I reached out and we’ve had some conversations, and we’re going to work on doing some things.” -ESPN.

Putting Sheen in charge of programming could be a huge disaster or… a huge disaster. I admit, I’d probably watch some kind of reality show about Sheen for the first couple times, but I feel like it would get old. He makes Brian Wilson seem sensible.

Seriously, is the Sheen stuff getting old yet to anyone? I’m just taking an informal poll about it. Right now, I see his quotes as just giving motivation to a bunch of douches and justifying their actions. I don’t want to get on my high horse, since I’m susceptible to nosebleeds, but some drug-addled, one-dimensional actor doesn’t really need this big of a microphone to speak with. Feel free to throw tiger blood at me in the comments.

At spring training for the Chicago Cubs, the games being played aren’t exciting enough (my assumption, but correct me if I’m wrong), so the team is turning to entertainment from a very special crazy celebrity who has recently been all over television for the batsh-t insane stuff coming out of his mouth. Yes, this problem has been solved with a little dash of Charlie Sheen. Careful, though. Too much Charlie Sheen, however, and you spoil the recipe. Also, your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.
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The most deliciously named (pause?) MLB player, Coco Crisp, was nabbed for having too much to drink and driving around. Dammit, there goes his nonexistent value in fantasy baseball and real life! How am I supposed to win the “drive sober” matchup now?

Oakland Athletics outfielder Coco Crisp has been arrested on suspicion of drunken driving, the third major league player to be charged with DUI in the last three weeks.

The A’s said in a statement that Crisp was arrested early Wednesday in Scottsdale. He was released from jail and arrived at Phoenix Municipal Stadium on time to take part in pre-game drills before Oakland’s exhibition game against the Cleveland Indians.
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The team said it is taking Crisp’s situation “seriously” and will have no further comment “until further details are available.” -ESPN.

One look at Crisp’s roster picture (which I also inserted into the picture above), and it looks like it’s not unusual for Crisp to be totally chocolate wasted. Also, if you want to yell at me for taking a joke from the movie Grown Ups, feel free to email me at suckit@yahoo.com with the subject line “I’m a stupid poophead.” Man, whoever owns that email address is going to be SO pissed.