Charles Pierce Just Threw A Brick At The NCAA’s Head

Written by Danger Guerrero / 04.08.13

The NCAA is a cartel that exploits the unpaid labor of teenagers to make obscene profits for stuffy old people in suits. No one of reasonable intelligence disputes this. It’s been true, it continues to be true, and it will remain true until huge sweeping changes are made or the whole thing goes down in a spectacular fireball like the infamous hydrogen balloon pictured above. Good men and women have screamed about it from mountaintops for a while now (most notably Taylor Branch in his fantastic takedown in The Atlantic two years ago), and it almost, kind of, maybe seems like we’re finally getting to the point where the wood in all this has bent as far as its going to bend, and small cracks, creaks, and snaps are starting to become noticeable. Good.

Anyway, I bring all this up because the always excellent Charles Pierce has a piece up at Grantland today that is pure word-gold if you’re into this stuff. He starts off discussing the absurdity of playing the Final Four in cavernous domes (and really, you should read the whole thing), but the real fun part comes when he gets to NCAA president Mark Emmert’s recent statement that the NCAA’s “miscellaneous expense allowance” somehow doesn’t conflict with their stance that college athletes shouldn’t be paid. You. Read. Now.

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Charles Barkley And Dick Vitale Judged A ‘Weird Mascot Dunk Contest’ On ‘Conan’ Last Night

Written by Danger Guerrero / 04.05.13

Conan O’Brien wrapped up his week in Atlanta last night with a terrific bit that combined a number of things very near and dear to me: 1) Dunks; 2) Charles Barkley; 3) Mean jokes at Shaq’s expense; 4) References to Dick Vitale’s penis (don’t ask); and 5) Stupid shenanigans involving trampolines and silly costumes. Pretty much the perfect storm for me.

Specifically, the bit was called “Weird Dunking Mascots,” and it featured Barkley and Vitale critiquing a number of awful dunk attempts by the insane mascots the show created, (examples include Obese Colonel Sanders and Superman With His Cape Stuck In A Toilet) and tossing some pretty decent burns at each other in the process. Say what you will about Dick Vitale as an announcer, I give him a world of credit for going back to the old fat joke well more than once for his digs at Barkley. That’s dedication. And I give Barkley a world of credit for blowtorching Shaq, his Inside the NBA co-host, with that Superman line. Charles ain’t care, not even a little.

But mostly I’m posting this so I can give a public shoutout to Obese Colonel Sanders, who somehow got the ball to go in the basket despite jumping off a trampoline while wearing a big poofy fat suit and fake facial hair on national television. That alone makes him more qualified to earn starter minutes in the NBA than Spencer Hawes.

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An Important Discussion About The Video Of The Dunking Sea Otter

Written by Danger Guerrero / 02.20.13

This video of a sea otter dunking a tiny orange ball is taking the Internet by storm this afternoon. As it should. After all, it is a video of a sea otter dunking a basketball. This is why the Internet was invented (probably). But I’m sure many of you watched it and said to yourselves “Holdonholdonholdon. I have some questions about all of this.” Well luckily, I, the UPROXX Senior Dunks and 90s R&B Correspondent, am here to walk you through it.

Please, fire away.

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Alex Rodriguez Demands The Best

Written by Danger Guerrero / 02.01.13

Alex Rodriguez has found himself at the center of another steroids scandal, which is something I wouldn’t give a single horseback-riding sh-t about under normal circumstances. But Outside the Lines released a report based on their investigation into the South Florida doping operation run by Anthony Bosch, and it will surprise you exactly zero percent to find out that A-Rod required special treatment even while using PEDs.

The texts, the source said, usually came late at night, telling Anthony Bosch to come to the house. Bosch would then head to the waterfront mansion on Biscayne Bay, through the gate on North Bay Road, to inject performance-enhancing drugs into Alex Rodriguez.

Procedures were different, though, sources told “Outside the Lines,” for the other athletes who were customers of Bosch’s Biogenesis of America clinic in Coral Gables, which Major League Baseball considers the center of a widespread doping operation in South Florida. Those athletes, sources said, relied on intermediaries to transport the performance-enhancing drug regimens Bosch provided.

But for A-Rod, the service was always personal: “Only Tony handled A-Rod,” one source told “Outside the Lines.”

Are you like me? Do you really want to see those texts? For some reason, I don’t know exactly why, I feel like Alex Rodriguez’s texts are littered with emoticons. “Come over. Bring steroids :)” “Not now. Neighbor came over to borrow sugar and won’t leave :/” and so on.

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High School Sophomore Victor Dukes Is Really, Really Good At Dunking

Written by Danger Guerrero / 01.02.13

Earlier today Brandon posted a highlight reel of the best high school basketball dunks from 2012, which was all well and good except for the part where here we are, only a few hours later, and the whole compilation has been rendered moot. According to this blog post, high school sophomore Victor Dukes did the dunk pictured above in a game that took place on December 31, which is notable for a few important reasons:

  • December 31 was in 2012, making it eligible for said list.
  • Holy crap, look where his head is.
  • HOLY CRAP, his name is Victor Dukes. VICTOR DUKES. That sounds like the name of an evil businessman in a Disney movie who is shutting down the local street hockey rink to build a strip mall or something. “But … but … we can’t take on Victor Dukes! We’re just a bunch of kids!” “Exactly. He’ll never see it coming.”
  • HOLY CRAP HE IS A SOPHOMORE. So he’s, like, what, 16? Jeeeeeeeeeeesus.

Anyway, the video is posted below. As With Leather’s resident dunk expert, please know that everything about this video makes me both excited and incredibly jealous. I can’t decide if I should hate young Victor Dukes or rip off my shirt and zoom around my apartment shouting “OH BABY! OH BABY!” like someone up and made my living room Rucker Park. I suppose I should just do both to be safe.

The Score via Reddit

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The With Leather Hot Twitter List Buzz Words Top 25: Efficiency, People

Written by Danger Guerrero / 09.25.12

(Burnsy here. The other day, me and the fellas were chatting around the UPROXX whiskey fountain, and we decided that Sports Illustrated and Deadspin are on to something. Last week, SI – for no reason other than passing out some cyber ass slaps – launched its list of the 100 sports people that we should be following on Twitter, and Deadspin responded with a more tongue-in-cheek version of people we shouldn’t follow. The problem, though, is that there are people out there who you really should be following that don’t get the credit they deserve, and there are people who really, really suck beyond the obvious guys like Skip Bayless and Jason Whitlock, who both really, really suck.

So we enlisted some friends for this week, and we’re sending out our own Twitter ass slaps. Next on the docket, UPROXX’s own Danger Guerrero.)

Here is my Twitter Top 25…

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