This indoor soccer penalty shot looks like it should have been included in the old Chappelle’s Show And 1 skits where the players went ludicrously overboard with style points instead of actually playing the game. I mean, if you get the goalie to bite that hard on your spin fake, you might as well not make his life easier by tapping the ball right back at him. And sorry if I haven’t caught an indoor soccer match since I was knee high to a child molester, but have they always allowed placekicks from six inches away? This video has roughly 1.7 million hits since the beginning of the week, so obviously I’m behind on the runaway freight train of popularity that is the sport. Unless the video is also getting hits from searches for “fairy dance”, which would help explain matters.

I’m not airtight on my Eastern European history but I’m fairly certain that the main reason Czechoslovakia dissolved was because the Czechs got tired of the Slavs always beating up their hockey coaches after winning titles. So the news that it happened again on Saturday should validate Jaromir Jagr and the rest of his mulleted countrymen.

Mike Posma, a former American Hockey League player who took over as coach last year, was beaten up by his players Saturday following Acroni Jesenice’s celebrations for winning the title. The 42-year-old New Jersey native was cut and bruised but not seriously injured.

The team denounced the incident Thursday and announced the end of the players’ contracts. Club president Slavko Kanalec said the team was “shocked” and “strongly condemns” the incident.

See, this is why Slovakia is not a major player on the world stage. Any American team executive would be so thrilled that the organization captured a championship that they would be egging on further beatings for the coach, so long as it kept the core of the team happy. At the very least they would fire the coach for allowing himself to be beaten. Though it is a shame that Duke did not indulge in this practice on Monday.

UPDATE: Looks like it was the Slovenian team. HOORAY BASIK REIDING SKILZ!

If you don’t like The Big Lebowski, you can take your ugly fuggin goldbrickin’ ass out of my blog community. That’s really all there is to it. As it pertains to sports, I don’t know if there’s a professional athlete that truly epitomizes The Dude, as most of them are far too active and or in shape. Randy Moss has the laziness and the beard, but I heard he likes The Eagles, so forget that guy.

But someone has already decided to insert Dirk Nowitzki into the movie using the magic of basic video editing technology. Dirk seems more likely to be a part of the German nihilists trying to cut The Dude’s johnson off, but I guess it’ll have to work. Dude, Dude – each four-letter names that start with the letter D. It’s good enough for government work, which is just about lazy enough for The Dude.

Life is rough for the Brewers racing Italian sausage. When not getting beaten in the head with a bat by a member of the Pittsburgh Pirates, it’s getting run down by police motorcycles. As part of the annual home opener festivities, the racing sausages run from the Klements sausage factory to Miller Park, because streets teeming with giant sausage is every Midwesterner’s dream come true.

But this year it took a turn for the hilarious when the Eyetie sausage got its smelly dago face knocked to the pavement by a police motorcycle. The local news was all over it to make sure the hero officer received the acclaim he so richly deserves. I guess he’s like the equivalent to Teddy Roosevelt in the Nationals Presidents Race. Instead of never winning, he’s subjected to constant bouts of horrific violence. And he has an overbearing mother who won’t let him leave the table until he finishes all five plates of pancetta.

We all know Eagles receiver DeSean Jackson spikes it on the one, but did you know he’s also jammin’ on the one? (Pete the Punchline Explaining Robot says: DeSean Jackson once prematurely spiked a football on the 1-yard line and to “jam it on the one” is to be a musically inclined Theo Huxtable.)

Me being super white notwithstanding, DeSean is taking a break from not making sense on Twitter to embark on a rap career. Going by the name Jack, he makes his debut with a freestyle on the track “Let’s Do It”. HARF HARF, BUT REALLY, LET’S NOT! His verse begins at the 1:18 mark.

Terrible rap careers are usually the providence of basketball players, but Deion Sanders already blazed a trail for football players making forays into excruciating music careers. But maybe that was the baseball half of Deion being represented. I guess we’ll never know. Oh, he was a complicated artist, that one.

Baseball players are all about performing tedious routines dictated by their OCD that keep them from turning into murdering bat-wielding sociopaths. It’s just their way. For example, there was Wade Boggs with the eating of chicken. There was Nomar Garciaparra with the spastic whatever he did. There were a million other examples of players with the good sense not to play for the Red Sox.

But there is also Tigers closer Jose Valverde, who makes certain before he leaves the bullpen to yank on his crotch and then make like he’s a sprinkler and spit in every direction. But only the sprinkler that shoots staggered bursts of water, not the kind that makes the wavy motion. Ask Milhouse, he’ll break it down for you.