Mathematical!

This week, Sports On TV covers the greatest sports moments of the best cartoon on television, Cartoon Network’s ‘Adventure Time.’ If you aren’t familiar with the show, it follows the various quests and activities of a human boy and his dog as they live and fight monsters in the Land of Ooo, a post-apocalyptic Earth full of candy people, inter-dimensional vampire demons, anus-obsessed ghosts and every D&D joke imaginable. It’s a show you either love from the moment you give it a shot, or spend the rest of your life side-eying. Hopefully you’re in the first group.

Be sure to check out the moments and the other Sports On TV columns after the jump, and don’t miss the Peppermint Butler commenting badge we’re giving you for sharing our list around and dropping a comment. Do that, and you’re tops blooby.

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Via YouTube:

Heavyweight champ Cain Velasquez mic’d up Octagon-side for UFC 156 as his next opponent is determined. See Velasquez’s live reaction as he watches Bigfoot Silva pull off an epic knockout against Alistair Overeem. Velasquez faces Bigfoot in the rematch at UFC 160 this Saturday, May 25th.

What the description doesn’t point out is that Cain Velasquez’s live reaction is almost no reaction, and his cold, obvious explanations of what you’re watching reminded me way too much of Arnold Schwarzenegger doing commentary on Total Recall. Just replace “this is me on the screen here” with “Overeem threw 2 to 3 punches.”

I guess I can’t blame him too much. This is his job, after all. But hey, if he wasn’t enthusiastic about Bigfoot Silva’s win here, I’d like to see him run commentary on this clip of Bigfoot trying to fit into a normal sized man’s helmet and do laps around a racetrack in Sao Paulo.

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As we discussed back in January, Conan O’Brien’s NBA Mascots That Should Never Dunk is probably my favorite thing that happens on television. As far as I can tell, the list goes (1) NBA Mascots That Should Never Dunk, (2) The Shield matches on Raw, (3) Ygritte telling Jon Snow he knows nothing, (4) appearances from Fat Schmidt.

The segment made its grand return on last night’s episode of ‘Conan,’ and here are your competitors:

- a guy trapped in a folding bed
- a med-evac injured hiker
- an octopus taking selfies
- a guy working behind the counter at a gas station in the bad part of town
- binge-eating Pac-Man

I didn’t think they could top the dunking Olive Garden never-ending pasta bowl, but here we are. Video is after the jump.

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In the picture below, you’ll see someone’s head about an inch from LeBron James’ ass as he soars through the air for a game-winning lay-up in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals. That’s Paul George of the Indiana Pacers. He had his ankles broken, his legs, both of his arms and most of his neck. It’s not even fair.

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Links

Bill Murray Knows How To Respond To Crying Babies |UPROXX|

Mitch Hurwitz Doesn’t Want You To Binge-Watch ‘Arrested Development’ |Warming Glow|

What’s The Deal With The Fast & Furious Movies: An Explainer |Film Drunk|

Dear Lord, Let’s Watch The Memphis Grizzlies Miss 7 Lay-Ups In A Row |With Leather|

This Four-Year-Old Girl Is The Cutest Marvel Comics Expert |Gamma Squad|

This Is How The Top 5 Picks In The 2013 NBA Draft Should Go |Smoking Section|

NFL Analyst Power Rankings (Official) #5- Pete Prisco |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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@matt_T tweeted at me a little earlier, and the message read, “I just saw this today. TNA has a scratch off lottery game in Georgia.” I wasn’t sure what to think. Then, suddenly, I wasn’t sure what not to think.

Collected below are 10 random thoughts I had about the Impact Wrestling scratch-off game.

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I am a basketball expert. Because of this, I can say with confidence that missing seven consecutive lay-ups is not a good way to win the Western Conference finals.

The announcers play it off as a spectacular defensive span by the Spurs, but it reminded me the world of those times when I’d have to do lay-ups in gym class, and I was just a little fat white kid with negative-a-hundred basketball experience and the coordination of a pug. Just desperate hopping and extended arms and basketballs hitting the bottom of the rim. The Spurs probably could’ve walked backwards with their hands in the air and played the same defense.

Lionel Hollins, if you’re reading this, check your e-mail. I sent you something. The subject is MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES SHOULD TRY HARD TO NOT BE THIS BAD AT BASKETBALL RIGHT NOW. Lots of good information inside.