The World Series returns tonight, with Philly up three games to one, and tied 2-2 in the sixth inning of Game Four. And I must say, I’m quite delighted at the prospect of only having to watch three and a half innings of baseball to see the final outcome. Kudos to you, liquid precipitation! If only every baseball game were as tolerable in length.

A Philly win tonight would have an awful lot of sentimental value. You’re talking about a town that has really suffered for the past 25 years. Although they didn’t really suffer, in the “Pakistani honor rape victim” sense. And the idea of any group of people karmically “deserving” something is pretty stupid. Also, most people from Philly are complete assholes, like this guy. Oh, and we’re also talking about a town that considers griddled cow rectum scraps topped with Cheez Whiz to some kind of sacred foodstuff.

So I guess a Philly win wouldn’t have that much sentimental value of any kind. I suppose the only reason you should really root for Philly to win is so its citizens happily destroy their own town in an orgy of car-tossing and window-smashing like the braindead imbeciles that they are. So go Phillies! And by that I mean: Go nightstick-wielding SWAT teams!

That’s it for me. See you tomorrow at Deadspin, perverts.

From the brave and courageous masturbators over at Busted Coverage comes this preview of the fackin’ New England Patriots cheerleaders in their Halloween costumes.

Let’s see. We got ourselves a Xena, which is very nice. Ooh! Ooh! And there’s a biker chick too! NICE. That’s real nice. But I gotta ask: what’s with the chick in the chef’s toque? C’mon, man. You got girls dressed up as sailors and whores, then you’re gonna make one of them run out onto the field as Mario Batali? Sure, the man makes a fine saltimbocca, but he’s still a big ugly orange guy, even after six bottles of Barolo.

Get that girl one of Giada de Laurentiis’ tight sweaters ASAP, Mr. Kraft!

I had to sit on the phone with a lawyer for four hours going through every objectionable passage in the first draft of this book, Needless to say, when we were finished, there wasn’t much of a book left.

So a lot of crap from the book got deleted due to both legal and creative issues.  The following section, after the jump, is one of them. Hooray, table scraps!

Read the rest of this entry »

From the appropriately named folks at Break comes the delightful story of a retard biker trying to jump his bike down an entire flight of stairs, only to fail. How marvelous.

Because there’s no way I couldn’t edit this site for a day without showing you grisly footage of an extreme athlete suffering a nasty, brutal plummet back to Earth. That would be like KSK without dick jokes. Or Perez Hilton without gay little drawings on pictures. God, I’d like to ride a bike over that douchehole.

From the majesty of Spencer Hall and Chris “Town Drunk” Mottram comes this video of Houston wideout Patrick Edwards’ leg meeting an unfortunate end at the hand of one of history’s most evil villains: the dreaded yellow cart. DAMN YOU, CART!

Oh, well. At least they didn’t have to carry Edwards’ very far to place him ON the cart. So that was nice.

This cart belonged to the Marshall band. Watch the video closely and you can actually hear a very large ch-ching at the exact moment Edwards’ leg snaps in twain. Someone get Schweibel, Goetz, and Sieben on the phone right now!

The Pats and Colts meet on Sunday Night in what is almost certainly Peter King’s “alone in the control room with no pants on” game of the week. And while you may think that the Colts’ 3-4 record and Tom Brady’s absence takes a bit of the air out of this matchup, I advise you check out these comments from Pats coach, noted devotee of the film “Sliver,” and hobo king Bill Belichick, tossing a little extra gasoline on the fiah! Noted by the Globe’s Mike Reiss:

…he stopped mid-sentence and said: “Going back to Manning for a second, if I’m not mistaken he hasn’t been on the injury report all year, other than maybe one day right at the beginning of the season. I’m not really sure what injuries you’re talking about. He hasn’t been listed on the report all year, so I’m assuming he’s not hurt.”

Using my trusty Belichick mumble translator, I have decoded that statement so that it reads more accurately.

See? The Colts also lie on their injury reports too! And if they aren’t lying, then Manning is just a huge pussy! Now let’s go bore a hole in a woman’s bathroom and see if we can spot some girl’s steel wool.”

You need a damn PhD in passive aggression to decipher that man, I tell you.

Bad MS Paint courtesy of Ape at KSK.