And just when we thought it was all past us and we could focus on golf, this comes out. The National Enquirer (salt … lots and lots of salt) is reporting that Tiger Woods slept with his Raychel Coudriet, a 22-year-old who was a neighbor of Woods before she went off to college.

You’re probably going to want to take a shower after the next few lines, so just be ready for that.

Tiger met her when she was 14 (turn shower water on). Tiger hit on her while in the Escalade he would eventually crash into the fire hydrant, enflaming (see what I did there) what would become the enormous scandal you see here while Elin was in the yard with the kids (step into shower). He slept with her on a couch next to a crib where his kids were sleeping (wash yourself … wash yourself with all your force)!

“The two of them had sex on a couch for hours — right next to a crib for Tiger’s children,” added the source. “The crib made Raychel feel guilty — that she was having sex with a married man with children. But she was smitten.”

The girl reportedly told friends that Woods did not use a condom and that the sex was “mechanical and unemotional.” — NY Post

Tiger being mechanical and unemotional? Whomever would have thought those words would describe his loving abilities. He’s a barrel of laughs any other time.

Seriously, it’s the National Enquirer, so take what you want, but it isn’t like they could just make this up out of thin air, and at this point, why wouldn’t Tiger hit on an attractive young girl in his neighborhood?

I blame Raychel more than anyone. Didn’t anyone tell her that long distance relationships never work once you go off to college?

Only in England would a professional athlete decide to break for an early pint before his match is even complete.

That’s what Burnley midfielder Kevin McDonald did during the latest Manchester City match. The City was up 5-0 at halftime when McDonald got replaced, so he did what anybody would do in that situation — he went to the pub.

McDonald had friends and family in town from Carnoustie, Scotland, and when he got replaced, he decided to hit up the 110 Club, a brisk five minute walk from the stadium, to watch the second half … of his own game.

He has obviously been punished by his club with a fine and a forced apology.

McDonald said in his apology: “I now realize it was naive, disrespectful and totally wrong of me to leave the ground at halftime on Saturday. It was a gross misjudgement and instead I should have remained at Turf Moor to support my club and teammates.

“I acknowledge that I also showed a serious lack of respect to all the fans who were at the ground and who pay good money to watch their team play. I would like to apologize to the players, management and supporters and I have accepted my punishment.” — Yahoo! Sports

This guy is apologizing? This is the best thing to happen in sports since Bobby Valentine got ejected and then came back in the dugout with a cheap mustache and sunglasses on. Leave a mauling of a soccer game to hit up a bar with some friends? Could you imagine if Sasha Vujacic had some friends in Los Angeles from Slovania, so just up and left after the third quarter to hit up the ESPN Zone?

The bottom line is, sometimes you want to just sit back, relax, and have a cold one while watching sports. I just hope he at least changed into a clean jersey before he walked in the 110 Club. You don’t want people thinking you aren’t professional.

Somewhere, I assume, people love being married. Love it. It is probably a small town in the outskirts of Hastings, Nebraska, where families frolic together while kissing and hugging their significant other with butterflies dancing gingerly in the air between them.

Sadly, this world is not that of professional athletes, and we get to hear about scumbag stories weekly. Today, we have Tiki Barber, the man that once said in his own memoirs, “I want to be an honorable man, because that’s what I want (both my kids) to be. My family is everything to me,” has left his eight months pregnant wife (with twins!!) for Traci Lynn Johnson, a 23-year-old former intern.

Ahh, such puppy love.

“After 11 years of marriage, Ginny and I have decided to separate,” Barber said. “This decision was a painful one, but we are moving forward amicably and will continue to work together to raise our children with the love and dedication they have always known.” — The New York Post

“The love and dedication they have always known?” Like, you banging hot 23-year-olds while your wife is carrying around 40 pounds of baggage in her abs? That type of love? Gotcha.

Anyone with half a brain understands that every athlete in the world cheats, but when you read stories like this, you can actually see how certain people evolve over time. Tiki writes book about his life and family. Tiki yells about his father, complaining that he abandoned Tiki and the family and how he has “a hard time forgiving that.” Tiki does exact same thing.

If you have a sibling, you’ve probably been in a fight. Things like rolling around in the dirt as youngsters or pushing each other in the living room as teenagers. Nothing too serious, but it happens.

Now image you are twin boxers that are a combined 50-0-1 in your careers, and you get in a squabble at your own home, including a little weaponry to boot. That probably could escalate, right?

Travis and Tarvis Simms (Ed. Note: Real creative, Mrs. Simms) got in a scuffle after Travis was “tired of talking” to Tarvis, and the results wasn’t exactly what Kanye West once sung about.

Cops say that Tarvis tried one-upping Travis’ punch by brandishing a knife.  Travis taught Tarvis the folly of bringing a knife to a gun fight by pulling a piece on his brother, and politely asking him to leave.  And if that weren’t bad enough, Travis’ 10-year-old daughter was bitten on the arm during the melee, apparently while she was trying to separate the tussling twins. -The Last Angry Fan

Two men fighting, someone got bit, and the story didn’t include Mike Tyson?

You gotta step it up, Mike. No reason to be getting one-upped at this point in your “career.”

Ever tool around Lamebook and see those people that change their relationships statuses on Facebook only to have the person they just broke up with comment a surprised, “WTF” like they didn’t even know? Oh, just me. Well, that’s embarrassing.

Anyway, the Washington Redskins did something similar to Jason Campbell, their starting quarterback since 2006, when they decided to trade for Donovan McNabb on Sunday. Instead of consulting the guy that was in charge of their offense, the team made the trade and, well, didn’t say anything to Campbell.

That was left to a Washington Examiner reporter named John Keim. I’m pretty sure the only way this could have been more embarrassing for Campbell is if Donovan got those guys that burned stuff in his yard to gasoline the news to Jason.

Me: Did you hear about what happened?

Jason: What?

Me: The Redskins traded for Donovan.

Jason: Really? Ummm … I didn’t know that, man.

Me: I’m sorry I had to be the one who told you. I can’t believe they didn’t tell you.

Jason: No, that’s the first I heard of it. … I’d better go call my agent.

When I called back later, it went to voice mail. His mailbox was full.

I’d have to suspect this is the first step in getting Campbell out of town, who never was great for the Redskins but wasn’t terrible either. Just last year, Campbell had a higher completion percentage than McNabb and nearly similar passer ratings, and Jason’s team didn’t come with a DeSean Jackson.

That said, if there is a way to be a selfish prick that everyone hates, Dan Snyder is going to find it.

After Tiger Woods finished up his 34 minutes of question tennis with the press at Augusta National, Joslyn James, one of the more famous of the girls Tiger slept with because of golden showers, soreness and slapping, took to her own podium, explaining that everything Tiger said is “still a big malarkey.”

She went on to explain that, “(Tiger) is not truthful, he is not honest,” which poses the question, if an ex-porn star is still calling you out on morality, did rehab really help?

The best part of the interview (video after the jump) comes when James is leaving the press conference, and an adoring fan (or drunk homeless lady) screams, “What are your hopes for the future?”

James answered, “to be happy. To find a man that’s single and not married.”

Well ma’am, do I have a beau for you? *points at gut*

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