Landon Donovan authored the American sports moment of the year just hours ago when he scored the game-winning goal in stoppage time against Algeria, leapfrogging the U.S. team from World Cup elimination to first place in Group C two minutes before the referee blew the final whistle in the last of their group play matches.

Some fans may dismiss that assertion given their proclivities for the Olympics or American sports leagues, but the international impact of Donovan’s follow-up is undeniable: with their backs against the wall, the U.S. team was facing four years of platitudes, of “tough lucks” and “too bad about the refs.” But with the victory and England’s 1-0 victory over Slovenia (useless bastards), the USA will face the second-place team from Group D this weekend, an opportunity to reach the quarterfinals of the World Cup for only the second time (the first was in 2002 following a victory over Mexico).

As for Donovan, it’s long past the time when American fans can dismiss him as “Landycakes,” the talented player who wilted on the international stage. Not only did Donovan set up the Jozy Altidore shot that led to his goal, he also sparked the U.S.’s comeback against Slovenia, finally plied his trade in the English Premiere League this year, and effectively led the U.S. attack in heroic performances in this World Cup and the Confederations Cup last year. Carlos Bocanegra may wear the captain’s arm band, but Landon Donovan has proven himself worthy of it.

Now then. Time to get this celebration started.

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WHAT - ARE YOU - PREPARED - TO DO?

Get our your vuvuzelas: it’s time to skip out of work and watch the USA’s match versus Algeria (kick-off at 10 a.m. Eastern) in the U.S. team’s final match in group play. Despite the disappointing tie against Slovenia, the Americans can still win the group outright with a win and a little help from England in their match against the surprisingly tough Slovenes.

If you’re late arriving to the USMNT bandwagon, don’t worry: this is America, there’s always PLENTY of room left on the bandwagon. The only thing you Johnny-Come-Latelys need to do is watch these two videos in immediate succession just before kick-off, AND GET PUMPED:

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How 'bout the power of flight? That do anything for ya?

WOOOOOOOO! Welcome to your official USA versus Slovenia thread! The best place to wear the Stars and Stripes and talk trash about Slovenia. Hey Slovenia! You, uh… you… *searches globe for Slovenia* uhhhmmm… *looks up Slovenia on Wikipedia* you only have a population of 2.06 million! Ooohhh, that’s a burn.

Despite their tiny population and rustic vacation-country charm, Slovenia are the Group C leaders, having dispatched Algeria last Saturday. So a win here would put the United States in excellent position to advance to the second round. And it should be some of the best soccer of the tournament, right?

The probability is that the center will be crowded on Friday, with all eight midfielders and possibly Dedic battling in the same space. It’s likely to be attritional and unpleasant, a battle of will as much as ability. There won’t be any sweeping 20-pass flurries or brilliant slaloming dribbles; aesthetes should probably turn away. Art, though, comes in many guises, and just because it isn’t beautiful doesn’t mean it isn’t soccer.

Um, not exactly the ringing endorsement I was looking for, Jonathan Wilson (that’s from a preview detailing how Slovenia’s style is similar to the US’s, by the way). That’s not how you psych up fans for a big match. Here, let me try: Hey, the Vietnam War wasn’t pretty, but we still won that. Shut up!  I SAID WE WON DAMMIT!

Awwww yeah! It’s time for another WORLD CUPDATE! You didn’t ask for it, you don’t want it, but it’s here anyway, just like your herpes. Go ahead and be annoyed with the soccer coverage, but at least THIS only flares up every four years.

With group play not even one-third finished, the biggest story of the World Cup continues to be the omnipresent buzz of vuvuzelas during matches. While modern science has found a way to cancel the noise out, the Internet has embraced the plastic horn as if it were a Japanese dog riding a bicycle. This collection could be just the beginning — we’ve got another four weeks until the tournament’s over.

Unfortunately for purposes of humor, the games aren’t decided by horns and Photoshop. In fact, many of the games haven’t been decided at all, with a prevalence of draws in the first cycle of games. Yesterday offered two more: a 1-1 final for New Zealand-Slovakia that featured a dramatic goal in stoppage time to salvage the Kiwis’ first-ever World Cup point, and a scoreless draw between Portugal and the Ivory Coast that was memorable only for the uninspired play and terrible officiating of Jorge Larrionda, the same ref who butchered the USA-Italy atrocity in 2006. It was a lousy start for Group G, the so-called “Group of Death,” which should have changed the BZZZZZZ of vuvuzelas to simply ZZZzzzz.

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Pictured here is yesterday’s cover for the New York post (click for larger). As you can see, it claims USA WINS 1-1, with the sub-headline “Greatest tie against British since Bunker Hill” — no small feat given the War of 1812.

Now, the New York Post isn’t exactly a bastion of journalism; it once cited The Big Lead as a source. But the predictable puns in its headlines give the paper a sort of classless charm, like your mom after a couple margaritas. And, to the paper’s credit, it likely references the famous “Harvard Beats Yale 29-29” headline, a point completely missed by Mediaite and countless others.

You would think if any country in the world would understand trashy rags with tacky headlines, it would be Great Britain, home of the Sun, the Mirror, and other filth. Nope. Here are some ACTUAL reactions to this headline from England fans:

This reminded me of the ‘Dewey Defeats Truman’ banner headline of the Chicago Tribune back in 1948.  How very embarassing… and it’s not soccer.  It’s FOOTBALL!!!

And the US was playing ENGLAND…not BRITAIN! [source]

Actually, the DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN headline was incorrect because it was premature and presumptive. Perhaps if the New York Post had printed this paper before halftime with the headline ENGLAND WINS 1-0, then it would be like the Chicago Tribune. But that, amazingly, is the LEAST bitchy of the Brit responses:

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As you may have heard, the U.S. Mens National Team tied England on Saturday, after Clint Dempsey’s shot from 25 yards skipped out of the hands of English goalkeeper Robert Green to even the score in the game’s 40th minute. Green is an easy scapegoat for the Brits, but both sides should be happy with the draw: the Americans outplayed the Three Lions throughout the first half, and only a momentary defensive lapse allowed Steven Gerrard the space for his 4th-minute goal. At the same time, the Americans left their attack in the locker room after halftime, allowing a superhuman performance from Tim Howard to preserve the knotted score.

Here’s my biased two cents: England was favored, they could only manage a tie, and the fact that their fans are blaming it on an isolated mistake overshadows the defensive clamps the U.S. put on Wayne Rooney and the lack of production they got from their midfield superstars (Gerrard’s goal aside, he and Frank Lampard never quite meshed).

But analysis is boring and gay. What you really need is testament to America’s awesomeness and Britain’s disappointment in images. And brother, we got that in spades. Ol’ Captain Picard (inset) is courtesy Reddit, which also provided the inspiration for the final image thumbnailed below. Now let’s all fire our guns in celebration. Thanks for the Second Amendment, twats!

Below: Robert Green’s gaffe in delicious animated GIF form.

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