The results are in! After a week of tumultuous voting arguments and two lengthy, analytical podcasts, we can safely declare the round one winners in the first annual With Leather Bad Wrestling Theme Lyrics March Madness Tournament. I say "annual" like we can do this more than once. Oh, and uh, I fixed the brackets.
Anyway, the tournament continues this week with round two action. A lot of the heavy hitters remain -- American Males and its Devo + didgeridoos attempt at 80s rock, Billy Kidman's weird, rapey rap song -- as well as a few surprises. Who knew Chyna would lose so early?
The voting is open now, and you'll have until next Tuesday, March 26, to make your voice heard. Here are the round two match-ups:
1. Undertaker - 'You're Gonna Pay'
"Nice guys, it's said they always finish last. But bad asses always kicking asshole's ass."
9. Zack Ryder - 'Radio'
"I'm gonna drink some beer tonight, YEAH! Gonna get some girls I like. I'm gonna wear my pants real tight. All the girls are gonna treat me ... just right!"
5. 'Mr. Ass'/Billy Gunn - 'Ass Man'
"I love to love 'em. I love to kick 'em. I love to shove 'em. I love to stick 'em. Love to flaunt 'em. I love to watch 'em. I love to pick 'em. And I'm gonna kick 'em. 'Cause I'm an Ass Man. Yeah, I'm an Ass Man. Yes, I'm an Ass Man. (OH!) I'm an Ass Man."
4. Rey Mysterio - '619'
"Watcha' gonna do when you're on your back from my mean body slam? Aww damn, you're whack."
6. Buff Bagwell - 'Buff Daddy'
"Buff Daddy. I'm Buff Daddy. Buff Daddy. Buff is the stuff. Buff...... Daddy. I'm simply delicious. Buff Daddy. Buff Daddy. Buff...... Daddy. I'm so sexy."
3. American Males - 'American Males'
"AMERICAN MALES! AMERICAN MALES! AMERICAN MALES! AMERICAN MALES! AMERICAN MALES! AMERICAN MALES! AMERICAN MALES! AMERICAN MALES!"
7. Kaitlyn - 'Spin The Bottle'
"So why don’t you spin the bottle? Spin it right around, but aim it towards me now. Yeah, why don’t you come and spin the bottle? Push it one degree so it will point at me, ‘cause I just want to be your supermodel."
2. Layla - 'Insatiable'
"I'm insatiable, I can't get enough. I need to find a boy!"
1. AJ Styles - 'I Am'
"When I fly, it’s not evil. It’s just like being Evil Knievel. I jump to the left and I roll to the right, because I try to win the belt every night!"
9. John Cena - 'My Time Is Now'
"I got the whole block wishin' they could run with my division but they gone fishin' with no bait, kid your boy hold weight. I got my soul straight. I brush your mouth like Colgate."
5. Jeff Jarrett - 'My World'
"He ain't dead, he ain't The Rock. Don't wanna hear your big mouth off."
13. X-Factor - 'What'chu Lookin' It'
"I’ve got everything i ever wanted and I'll never give that back. Oh I know you hate [X-Factor] but you ain't gotta look at me like that I say you ain't gotta look at me like that."
6. Billy Kidman - 'You Can Run'
”Keep acting tough, it’s gonna get creepy. All of a sudden you startin’ to feel sleepy. But in these streets when you doze off you wake up with your clothes off. It’s a shame feeling so lost.”
14. Strike Force - 'Girls In Cars'
“They pass you on the road with a smile and you have to look twice, and you wonder to yourself could a woman really look that nice. Mmmm, girls in cars, girls in cars ... I love girls in cars, girls in cars.”
10. 2 Cold Scorpio - '2 Cold Scorpio'
“Who’s his opponent, he don’t care. Like the Gulf War, brother, he attacks from the air!”
2. Funaki - 'Kung Fu San'
“Fu Naki likes to, fish for croppie while he listens, to Pavarotti. Heard he tried to be, a rap disc jockey. Didn’t work out, moved to Abu Dhabi. Guess the rest is, histor-aty. But my memory, a little bit groggy.”
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I don’t follow TNA but it seems AJ Styles’ song implies that he is a loser who somehow keeps getting booked in title matches. If he has to try to win the belt every night, he must never get it.
Buff vs. Buff it’s gettin’ REAL!
As much as it pained me to do so I had to vote for AssMan. I’m not the only one who loves that song, someone made a cover of it in Mario Paint.
[www.youtube.com]
I <3 Mario Paint! I spent countless hours playing that fly swatter mini-game.
Honestly, I always figured “American Males” was a rip-off of INXS’s “The Devil Inside.”
dude, it has to be american males. look at that picture of those two clowns.
How am I supposed to vote accurately if there is no third option in the poles for Sea Otters!!!??
God, I just love the woman screaming “Everybody, here come 2 Cold Scorpio!” at the beginning of his song.
“2 Cold Scorpio comin’, yo!”
The Wire could have been so different.
God damn it, you people voting for Mr. Ass don’t know what quality is.
Hey, you think that’s bad, the best song in the whole tournament’s still in. (The whole black dude talking about white man rape.)
The inclusion of Buff Bagwell just had me reading his Wikipedia page, and good lord, the WCW after the NWO was hilariously awful.
I think Buff owes Brandon and With Leather a thank you. This is the most relevant he’s been in ages.
Also, the Buff Blockbuster is my favorite wrestling finisher to execute in a pool.
Does his Wikipedia page explain what “The Stuff” is?
This is perhaps the greatest paragraph ever written about one man:
Bagwell, now with Torrie Wilson by his side, wrestled Douglas at Bash at the Beach, but lost when Wilson distracted him and sided with Douglas. Bagwell then began a feud with Chris Kanyon, who began stalking him and even harassing Bagwell’s mother Judy as a psychological attack. Bagwell eventually defeated Kanyon in a match where Judy was suspended from a forklift. He rescued his mother despite the surprise interference of actor David Arquette.
Yeah, I think Kanyon was still Kutting people during that Judy Bagwell era. Funny how they never showed this old lady taking the Kanyon Kutter.
There are two songs I listen to in full every time this tournament is updates. Kung Fu Naki and American Males. Awful lyrics, but catchy as hell.
I’m just happy I can actually vote this time. It wasn’t letting me vote last week.
I am eagerly awaiting American Males vs. Funaki.
Also, is Kaitlyn vs. Layla difficult for anyone else? I went with Layla after several minutes thinking it over, and I still wonder if I should’ve went with Kaitlyn.
I’m #TeamKungFunaki all the way.
Seriously, diva vs. diva is too tough to call.
Wow, Layla vs Kaitlyn in the second round is kind of like having Real Madrid play Manchester United in the Champions League in the second round. It’s an epic showdown that could’ve been a finals match.
I can’t believe Flash is easily beating Funaki. Funaki’s theme song is easily worse and I don’t even recall him having that song.
I’m thinking Funaki is picking up steam…
I wish Zack Ryder’s song could adopt me.
For the record, you’re riff about casting a The Miz for the next Chyna porn nearly made me HHH my pants.
*your
I sided with the majority here on everyone but X-Pac. I believe that is just from my common dislike of X-Pac that won’t let me vote for him.
I don’t want to vote for Kung Fu San because I love it, then I do so I can keep listening to it.
Undertaker vs. American Males is going to be a battle for the ages.
Shit. I actually unironically like the Big Evil heel Biker Taker music, but if we’re going on lyrics alone, I might have to vote for it over Zack Ryder.
I also had to sadly vote for Mr Ass over Rey Mysterio. I kinda like Mysterio’s music, even if it doesn’t make sense. Rey never bodyslammed anyone, nor did he really work submissions into his moveset. So how can he get people to “tap out”?
Feels like I’m talking to myself now, but I don’t want to spam the thread. I like how Layla and Kaitlyn have fortuitously had to face each other in this round, as it’s like a round of weird misogyny. One wants to be someone’s supermodel after making out with them, the other absolutely _needs_ a dude.
I’m not a Cena fan but you can’t deny that as a guy who has to write words to his own music, he does a decent job. I kinda like AJ Styles’ music, though he lost because he says Evil and then says Evel Knievel two words later.
What, how is the Undertaker beating “I’m gonna wear my pants real tight”?
It breaks my heart that Buff v. Buff is already going down. Carry on American Males, for all the American males.
Could have sworn RVD’s TNA theme would have swept to victory in this – as Brandon said on The Mandible Claw, it’s objectively the worst theme song in history, no question asked. Ah well, pinning all my hopes on an X-Factor upset victory now.
Buff vs Buff = CONUNDRUM!!!!!!