Worst: But No, Seriously
So, this is how Raw ended.
There’s a lot I could say about it, most of it involving me throwing up all over myself, but I’ll put it to you this way … the final segment of Raw featured Triple H forcing Paul Heyman onto his back on the table. He rips off Heyman’s shirt and starts slapping his tits. Heyman tries to resist, so Triple H smacks him in the face a few times and puts his fingers in Heyman’s mouth. Heyman cries out, “oh God, oh God.” Triple H says he’s going to take his time and enjoy this. He’s got to do this to Paul so Brock will come.
If you were picturing a Brazzers video during that description, you are not alone. Factor in Triple H’s wet crotch from a few weeks ago, and it gets even worse.
Worst: The Stipulation … Is NO. HOLDS. BARRED.
YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE I’M GONNA BE, HULK HOGAN
YOU DON’T KNOW
Best: Backstage Fallout Is Still The Best Part Of Raw
The opposite of the Triple H contract signing is Backstage Fallout, featuring three small character moments that make me like everyone involved more, even if I already liked them. In this video:
- AJ gets stopped and questioned about her motivations, so Dolph Ziggler saunters up and is all, “as if,” and ushers his girlfriend away.
- The return of PANCAKE PATTERSON, who explains that Darren “stayed in there strong for the majority of the time,” further explains his nickname, tells Darren “don’t start cryin’ on me, son.” Pancake Patterson is so great, I can’t.
- An ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE backstage conversation between The Great Khali and Natalya. Seriously, if you want to love Great Khali, listen to him here. He doesn’t understand why Fandango won’t wrestle him. He went home and practiced how to pronounce Fandango every day to get a shot at him. HE PRACTICED. He gets upset at Natalya, but compassionately apologizes for his anger. I WANT TO HUG YOU, THE GREAT KHALI.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
If the Fink was still ring announcing, Fandango would have debuted already.
Wasn’t Natalya supposed to pronounce it Fan-Dang-Eh?
Getting The Miz for a present is how I’d tell my kid he’s adopted.
Half Nelson Muntz
You want it back? You’ll have to URN it! *winks at camera*
(30 minutes later)
Undertaker: Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called and they’re running out of you!
I’m really glad Primo and Epico finally lasted long enough in Multi-Man Survival Mode to unlock Latin Beatz Entrance #2
“Let them know Fandango step to any motherf**ker — Christopher, Tensai, whoever. My name is my name”!
Callin’ it: in 2018, WWE has a character that says “focker” a lot and Cole and whoever they have when Lawler dies talk it up an cackle like it’s the funniest shit ever.
Oshit Umenyiora (Zak)
YOU LITERALLY DREW HIM OUT OF THE RETIREMENT YOU FORCED HIM INTO TO RETIRE HIM???!?!
We finally found something Heyman couldn’t save.
I wish there had been a shot of Bork backstage, watching Paul get manhandled and desperately trying to finish his Jimmy Johns sandwich as quickly as he could.
See you guys next week.