Best: Alberto Del Rio Vs. Cody Rhodes
I’ve got some stuff to complain about AFTER the match, but I’m not gonna complain about ADR and Cody Rhodes going at it for 12 minutes on Raw. See how much better this works? Alberto Del Rio needs to have fun, competitive matches to get him in the right space for WrestleMania. Cody Rhodes is great at wrestling, but he’s not really doing anything besides a backstage romance B-story. He doesn’t have the Intercontinental Championship or the US title, so he doesn’t have to WIN a fun, competitive match. They get in the ring, they put on a good show for a quarter hour, and bam, Del Rio gets a strong win, Cody gets a good, long spot on television, and everyone wins.
And don’t get me wrong, I liked a lot of the post-match stuff, too. Too many WWE feuds are Verbal Confrontations or guys taking turns “distracting” or humiliating each other, so I appreciate Swagger and Del Rio making their beef physical. I like that it wasn’t a one-sided thing, too … it wasn’t a HEINOUS ASSAULT, it was two guys who are on relatively the same level throwing hands at each other, and their seconds/managers/familiars getting involved. Ricardo injected himself into the fight, so he ate it. Things almost got physical with Zeb, but Swagger bailed him out at the last second. Swagger came out on top, injured Del Rio’s best friend, and now we’ve got something to work with deeper than “my Uncle dislikes the Obama administration.”
I really hope it’s not true that WWE is writing off Ricardo Rodriguez with an ankle injury because they don’t think Del Rio needs him. Del Rio ABSOLUTELY needs Ricardo. He’s what makes Del Rio work. If we don’t have the employer/employee friendship thing going, Del Rio’s just a guy who loves America and pumps his fists when he hits moves. You take away his cars, you replace his Mexican pride with US pride, and now you’re gonna write out his Forever Pal? You’re supposed to BUILD guys, WWE, not regress them into FCW characters.
Worst: The Safest Stories
Randy Orton and Sheamus were supposed to team up with Ryback to face The Shield at WrestleMania. The Shield have been unstoppable, attacking ferociously and working together to win the matches they’ve had against teams of seemingly unstoppable WWE do-gooders. Vickie pulled Ryback out of the match with The Shield (which doesn’t make a lot of sense, because she and Brad Maddox had some pretty gigantic issues with Paul Heyman and should want The Shield punished, but … well, whatever), leaving Orton and Sheamus without a third.
So, how do you introduce Big Show as their new third partner, and ratchet up their issues with the hyper-violent, opportunistic Shield? You have Orton and Sheamus beat a team of the easiest-to-beat guys on the roster, have The Shield enter but NOT attack them, then have Big Show’s music play, allowing him to make an extremely slow entrance. This causes the Shield to stand around the ring doing nothing EVEN LONGER before retreating in fear, despite the fact that they’ve beaten up all three of these guys before, and have routinely trounced other teams of three in three-on-three fights. Then, have Big Show point at the WrestleMania sign, which is contractually the only way to participate in a match at WrestleMania.
Yep, that’s got to be the most entertaining way.
Worst: DOLPH ZIGGLER VERSUS KOFI KINGSTON AGAIN, GOD, or
Best: Kofi Kingston’s Streak Of Enjoyable Television Continues
Longtime readers of the Best and Worst of Raw (or readers of any one week between 2009 and now) know that Dolph Ziggler has wrestled Kofi Kingston approximately 600,000,000 times and I am super tired of it. There are few things that make me comatose as fast as this combination, and I once put my television in the toilet instead of watching it. True story.
But yeah, I’ve been warming up to Kofi Kingston lately. Here’s my explanation as to why, from last week’s column:
He had a match with the Big Show that ended in 10 seconds when Show just casually punched him in the face. He followed that up with a match against Damien Sandow where Sandow whomped him so badly R-Truth had to rush out and pretend Sandow had done something illegal. He followed THAT up with a match against Fandango where he stood in the ring for like a minute, didn’t wrestle, then went on Twitter to apologize. And here he is on Raw, jumping jump-first into Mark Henry’s path of destruction and getting HATE THROWN with a World’s Strongest Slam. Seriously, if Kofi’s year continues the way it’s been going so far, I’ll smile and look forward to every appearance he makes.
This week, this happened, and Big E Langston gave exactly zero f**ks:
I love that Big E didn’t even look like he attacked him. He was just walking by, and Kofi tried to jump through him and failed. Big E just kept on walkin’. I love you, Big E Langston. And you’re okay too, Kofi, I guess.
Worst: WWE Is Just Trolling Me Now, Aren’t They
Wade Barrett is the Intercontinental Champion. Because of this, he gets put into a series of non-title matches against guys who are seen as “better” than him — Sheamus, Randy Orton, etc. — and he loses them. Cleanly. Usually in only a few minutes. He has these EVERY WEEK, sometimes three or more times (on television) a week, and when he gets a chance to be a movie, the people who MADE THE MOVIE spend long portions of their show having “better” wrestlers — Sheamus specifically, even though he’s not involved in a feud with Barrett whatsoever — talking about how unimportant Wade is. Still, he retains the Intercontinental Championship, and that tricks you into thinking those losses is what’re devaluing the belt.
But nope! What devalues the belt is that when Wade DOES have to defend it, he KEEPS it. This is the chance where you go “okay, we don’t like Wade Barrett, let’s give the belt to Jericho or The Miz,” have Wade lose his regularly scheduled loss, cut YOUR losses and try something with somebody else. Instead, they put Wade over in the ONE MATCH OUT OF TWENTY with the goddamn belt on the line. The cycle continues, and next week Wade will lose to, I don’t know, Big Show or whoever, and keep his belt.
So … what’s the deal? Why does this happen? Why give him the belt? Why have the belt at all? What does it mean to you? Do you WANT it to mean something? Why are people competing to hold a championship held by a guy who loses 20 times more than them? They haven’t mentioned shit like “increased pay” or “increased visibility” in years. This is the company that puts John Cena matches on after its WWE Championship matches. Why have belts at all? Darren Young could be doing what Wade Barrett’s doing right now and nothing would change. Absolutely nothing. No difference in match quality, ratings, t-shirt sales, nothing. You’re wasting money AND a belt AND television time AND a wrestler’s talent AND the talent of OTHER wrestlers who could hypothetically do something interesting or compelling or important with your secondary championships with no positive results. What is wrong with you. Stop it.
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He’d be more huggable as the Great Collie.
At least more petable.
the shedding would be unbearable
Congrats on the movie. I haven’t gotten around to reading the column yet, but that’s a great opportunity for you. The rabble-rousing and debates are enjoyable to get into here, and I appreciate you putting together the column each week.
Thank you! That means a lot, and I really appreciate it.
Yes, very much congrats on the movie! That’s freakin’ awesome.
I have a movie banging around in my head that I’ve never been able to get down on paper. But that’s just as well, because from what’s in my head I know that it’s a really bad movie.
I got the greatness of Pancake’s pipe AND the glory (hopefully) of being the first Meet Me There donator. It’s been a good day.
<3 x 10000
First donor, indeed! Mucho thanks, amigo!!
If this turns out to be a Kofi Kingston snuff film… well… so be it.
In all seriousness the very best of luck to you! I had a bastard of a time getting my own wee horror film funded and sympathise with the long road ahead. All the best!
I’m intrigued by the movie teaser. I REALLY hope Shattered Dreams Productions produces it, tho. Congrats.
The WWE prop closet consists of: afro wig, sherlock hat, squirting flower.
And mop. Never forget Moppie.
Pancake Patterson needs to become more than a 1 time thing. Also he needs to bring out his brother Leon “Bonecrusher” Baker. Yea, that was also a thing. Check it here:
[www.wwe.com]
Also, congrats on the flick.
Lester’s comment just made me laugh heartily at my desk.
WOAH! Meet Me There looks really good, Brandon. Can’t wait to see it.
I couldn’t be happier/ more excited for you B, congratulations! I can’t wait until you get famous and we can all tell our friends that we (sorta) know you. I plan on contributing as soon as I possibly can, which is probably after I pay my $750 tax bill. Don’t get me wrong, I like you WAY more than the IRS, but I’m way more scared of them.
The dot com website has an Access video with Rufus and his brother Leon “Bonecrusher” Baker, who is still out on probation. I tried to post the direct link, but it didnt work. Search for it. You will not be disappointed. Its from last friday
[www.wwe.com]
This one? wwe.com/videos/leon-bonecrusher-baker-rufus-pancake-patterson-are-raising-hell-in-an-abandoned-26099156
yes, that one
Also, congrats on your flick bro.
So if Face Jericho is worse than Face Rock is Heel Jericho better than Heel Rock? Congrats on the movie and getting Dusty Rhodes as an actor as well
Congratulations on the movie, Brandon. I’ll be contributing this week in my own little way. Extra-special congratulations on snagging Dustin for a role, that must be immense personal satisfaction. I’ve got my own (animated) movie project in the works, and I hope this kind of thing becomes a new model for media creation and distribution for creators everywhere.
Speaking of media creation, and let me know if this is inappropriate (I’ll gladly edit the comment if you think so), but just today my first “published” novel went up on the Kindle bookstore. Interested readers can find it here: [www.amazon.com] As a fellow With-Leatherite I’d appreciate any interest and support community members want to give, as this is something I’d like to do professionally.
Comments on the show coming in my next post so this one can be edited/deleted easily if necessary!
Watching Big Show sort of shuffle-run to the ring made me laugh. That’s the fastest I’ve seen him try to move in some time.
I got so excited and sidetracked by the movie announcement and going to contribute that I legit spent about 15 minutes on that before I remembered “OH, COLUMN TO READ”. Which, actually, I’m still not started on yet because I was appealing to my friends on Facebook with way more friends and influence than me to share links to support Meet Me There and oh god I’m rambling gonna shut up and read the column congratulations Brandon!
Woo! Thanks, friend!
The best part of this report was “let the Prime Time Players be as stupid as possible”, because dang, that was exactly what was on my mind during that segment. I’ll take glorious idiocy over “I’m gonna beat you on Sunday because I’m better than you!” any day. My only qualm was the absolute left field origin of Pancake Patterson. I’m not sure if that makes it more fun or distracts from the performance, but the other half of my brain kept saying “what? Why? Since when?” for that segment.
What did you think of the USA chants in this particular show? During the Del Rio/Cody match I assumed they were chants FOR Del Rio, since he’s positioned himself as the representative of a new, more diverse America. Other than being the son of the son of a plumber, Cody has no particular USA-baiting in his character, and Del Rio was getting the babyface reaction, so I figured it had to be chants for him. But then the chants kept coming as Swagger was in control of the after-match fighting. Were these two separate groups chanting, were they chanting USA -at- Swagger angrily, for Del Rio, or did I just give the fans way too much credit in my first assumption? Either way, dead on: Ricardo is essential to Del Rio and taking him away would be the biggest mistake WWE could make with his character.
During Punk’s segment I had to keep running the mantra in my head: “Taker and everyone at WWE knew Paul Bearer and can judge how to honor his legacy best.” Still ready to see Punk destroyed, even if he didn’t say much of substance this week.
Barrett couldn’t connect with the Dog Boner and pin Miz, which would’ve been just as fast as the roll up? You really have to try this hard to make your IC champion look terrible WWE?
What are the odds Jericho’s tenure on Dancing with the Stars will come up in this budding Fandango issue? Does anyone know if Curtis can actually dance? Fantastic entrance he got this week, though, especially as a gigantic tease.
Whatever you may say about the tag title situation, I’m excited to see the match Hell No and Team Rocket put together at Mania. I hold out hope AJ will do new stuff instead of continual repeats with Bryan and Kane. I see potential for fun there.
The retirement stipulation makes me uneasy about my pick for Brock to win. Sure HHH is probably about ready to retire, but this seems like an anticlimactic situation for him to be put out to pasture. Of all the guys to have his final match with, and you know he could take his pick of anybody, he goes with Brock Lesnar? Seems suspect.
I’d like to think you’re right RE; the USA chants, but I’m pretty sure it was just awful people being awful, as I thought I heard quite a few “we the people”‘s from the crowd when Swagger started chanting(not really, more just slowly repeating, but whatever) it after getting the better of ADR. It was pretty disconcerting, and has to have been on their minds when coming up with the gimmick. I just hope that other crowds don’t follow suit, or they can do something to keep it from happening, like keeping him on Smackdown where they can at least edit them for tv. It’s a pretty ugly situation though, I was really hoping it wasn’t going to happen, but have been to too many live shows to be very optimistic.
I was confused regarding those chants too. As a wrestling fan I’m so conditioned that USA chants are for the face (even when the face is say Canadian) that I just assumed they were for Del Rio. Then I remembered Pittsburgh fans are terrible and I got sad.
Yeah, all that made me pretty uncomfortable too. I couldn’t tell if they are just being pricks, love Jack Swagger, or actually think that way.
Congrats on the movie, Brandon. As an Oklahoman, I’m now wondering what other corner of my poor state I should be avoiding.
Miami, stay away from Miami Oklahoma. Hasn’t been the same since the Goodyear plant shut down 30 years ago.
Maybe it’s just me, but I’m always surprised when T-Bear doesn’t end up in the top 10.
Great column (as always), Brandon.
Ah, the Jericho “Planet of the Apes” bit — the first time wrestling made teenage me, a person who thought “Rock — This is your life” was the funniest thing ever, truly feel shame.
Oh, and way to be awesome with the movie man!
All I really remember is Cody Rhodes’ beautiful moonsault and then I think I blacked out.
Oh shit, Jill Thompson? :o
YEP.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
So many +1s
So since I haven’t been around here from the start, what’s the exact significance of the Hayley Williams stuff?
some websites use gifs of cats, Brandon uses gifs of Hayley Williams. We’re all better for it.
Hayley Williams Gifs are Brandon’s Happy Place he goes to when Triple H talks about ‘This Business’
Congrats on the movie, great column as always!
Here’s the Punk ‘Sweet Georgia Brown’ video
[www.youtube.com]
Titus should be sending his reel to Tyler Perry EVERY SINGLE DAY. Pancake is a three movie franchise waiting to happen.
+1
I hope Pancake Patterson sticks around so long that everyone just assumes he is a legend and gets inducted into the HOF and gets a legends run beating up Heath Slater.
Also – for the record: NO KIDS DO I HAVE
Aside from Rorse Facie.
Rorse is more of a consigliere
Ha ha, dammit Brandon. I loved LOVED Jericho and even during his Fandango promo last night I thought, “When I’m at ‘Mania, maybe I pick up one of those Y2J shirts.”
Then I get to the bottom of page 5, read the phrase “Cool Dad”, and everything suddenly clicked.
Now I feel depressed, stupid cool dad.
Honestly, Brandon, all this good stuff happening to you reminds me of those few weeks after Wrestlemania last year when Bryan was getting louder reactions than The Rock. I hope amazing things continue to happen for you and, if possible, that you continue to tell us about them.
FANDANGO FOR EVERYTHING
I love everything about Fandangoo, I was watching the first hour tonight and my 3yr old went nuts for the segment with Khali. He was saying FAN DANG GOOO like it was fi fie fo fum, and stomping on his matchbox cars. Its the only thing I’ve ever wished I had touted.
You are clearly raising your son right! I may have to send you a card on Father’s Day on general principle.
At 0:44 of the Booker video there’s a sign that reads “Scott Hall is my role model.” Using the power of the internet I found out that this guy most likely died in 2005.
I always loved the “Scott Hall drank my beer” signs.
Just contributed to the film. Not much, but I’m glad I can help in some way
This was an absolute best for me too. It was so bad it was good, and the corpsing. MY GOD THE CORPSING. [www.wwe.com]
This was a good one as always, Brandon! Well done!
Once my unemployment claim goes through (just got laid off, WOO-HOO!), I’ll be sure to donate to your film. This ones on Uncle Sam.
$$$ MILLIONS OF DOLLARS $$$
I feel like last night was a new trend in Vickie appearances, ala Teddy Long; instead of coming out and making everything a “tag TEAM match!”, she announces one completely confusing and irrelevant match, then corrects herself with an underwhelming follow-up match.
CM Punk didn’t need to say anything in that segment. HE said everything he needed to say with his body language, facial expressions, and handling of the urn. It was fantastic.
I was impressed by his urn handling. I kept waiting for him to drop it, and when he finally did, it was obvious he did so on purpose. It was a nice example of the dudes dexterity.
Agreed, x2.
I can’t help but feel somewhat awestruck by the Actual Writing Of A Film, since that’s sort of my dream profession at this point. And I’ve also come to the conclusion that I’ll take take a mark photo with Brandon before I take a mark photo with any wrestler.
In Fandango’s pre-appearance promo last night, he CLEARLY pronounced his name FAN-DAN-GO. WTF?!?! I was expecting Justin to get the “AH”s right and have Fandango leave because he pronounced it correctly, but not for the correct night. Damn you Johnny!
I wondered if they aired an older promo– from before they decided how to pronounce his name– by mistake.
I thought that too. I went back and looked at the promo. It looks like there’s a scar where he had been sporting a pretty nasty pec scratch in some of the earlier clips. (Yeah, I’m watching too closely.)
“Hey guys, don’t use the word ‘pussy’ and OMG have you seen Joe Rogan’s face about a WOMAN MMA TRAINER? Oh yeah, look at this girl’s tits!”
Seriously, what the fuck? You can’t have it both ways.
Alternatively “racial slur” then linking to a video that loops the slur 8 times isn’t better than not using it at all. It’s the same thing. I’d refer you to “N-Word” bit by Louis CK but that would be cliche. Which means I’m doing it anyways.
Column wise, I found nothing wrong with Jericho’s antics, it’s the same schtick he’s been doing for years. Vicki’s announcement was dumb for all the reasons have an onscreen authority figure on a nightly basis are dumb. The contract signing was everything that is terrible about contract signings. Punk’s bit did feel like it was on a loop, but him treating the urn like it was a basketball sold the promo more than the words that were coming out of his mouth. PTP and Fandango were glorious partly because they are interruptions of the serious norm of the WWE….but at the same time, Santino and Brodus Clay have filled those roles in the past and been turned on by the people here pretty quickly. I have less than 0 fucks to give about Sheamus/Show/Orton/Shield/ADR/Swagger.
The spectrum is does not have “like tits” on one side and “think women are awful” on the other.
You’re right, and that’s not the spectrum I was pointing out. The spectrum I was pointing out was “Hey guys, be respectful of women but also LOOK AT THIS ONES AWESOME TITS!”
You don’t want people using words you find disrespectful to women but then you turn around and tell that same audience to stare at a girl’s breasts in an objectifying manner. Its’ hypocrisy and its’ terrible.
You seriously cannot think that finding a woman attractive equals not being able to treat women like people. If I’m like “all I care about are these tits,” that’s one thing. If a woman’s got a nice body, it might be lookist of me to judge her positively based solely on it or jump to conclusions about her because of it or whatever, but you do not have to be asexual to not want to call people cunts.
The needed wayyyyy more King Booker in that video package and less of the partially racist feud with HHH.
I don’t know, I’ve got in on good authority from tout-girl that my favorite memory of Booker T is anything related to Triple H.
That feud was booked so poorly. Stupid HHH.
I think the thing that irritated me most about that match (besides all the racism and the bad guy standing tall at the end of the day after being a terrible racist, of course) is Booker hitting several different potentially finishing maneuvers, only for the match to end with Trips hitting ONE Pedigree, falling to the mat in pain/exhaustion/whatever, and making the cover for the three-count like five seconds later.
Jerry Lawler is getting a Best from me this week, (YEAH, YOU READ ME)!
I loved, Loved, LOVED that honest “Wow” he gave as ..FAAAHN … DAAAHN .. .. GOOOH lifted his dance partner onto the ring apron.
I’m 99% positive Fandango(o) was Lawler’s idea for lulz. He’s WAY too into this character for it to not be apart of his own entertainment.
What would be awesome is if they just went ahead and timed his ring intro where right where the announcer would normally say his name, you’d get his voice from his vignette: “FAHN…DAHN…GOOO”(echo…)
I wished Jericho had just asked, “Hey, what happened to your other ‘o’? That was weird.”
I think we should start calling Fandango’s dance partner: Tina Sparkle.
It’s the WWE. She’ll be known as Sparkle
“Sparkle” sounds like a Nitro Girl. In WWE, she’d be “Tina”, because women aren’t normal people with surnames.
Rufus “Pancake” Patterson appears on Raw and I get Top 10 comment. Truly a great day for the pancake, the greatest of breakfast meals.
Wow, if the WWE could cut talking segments by like 5 minutes, they could show a few of these backstage fallout segments on Raw. Imagine if fans got to see more personality on these wrestlers. Everyone would be lining up to get a Pancake Patterson t-shirt, damnit!
Happy Birthday Evan Bourne!
Where’s that fellow who made the boss Black Flag/CM Punk shirts? Let’s get him on the bandwagon. I will pay almost twenty dollars for a properly-designed Pancake Patterson shirt.
There’s a lot to comment on (especially how I want to fantasy book R & J’s Eggcellent Tag Team being managed by Pancake Patterson) , but I had to share this, because it filled me with so much joy. I was watching Raw with my dad and my brother, and in the middle of 3MB vs. Sheamus and Orton, he says something that fills my heart with joy.
“That McIntyre guy, he’s pretty good. He should get more of a chance.”
Such, such happiness.
Pancake Patterson = New Boom Period.
If Undertaker, Fandango, and Brodus Clay all manage to find their way to the Mania card, WWE will have to add an hour to the show just to allow for their entrances.
Those entrances are why fast-forward was invented. I think seeing a whole entrance is important in terms of the full story a match tells, but seriously, we’re busy people.
Really, that’s the one you liked? Huh.
Anyway, BONUS “Pancake” Patterson!!!!!
[www.wwe.com]
Also Darren Young being all punch drunk was pretty funny in it’s own right.
“So … what’s the deal? Why does this happen? Why give him the belt? Why have the belt at all? What does it mean to you? Do you WANT it to mean something? Why are people competing to hold a championship held by a guy who loses 20 times more than them? They haven’t mentioned shit like “increased pay” or “increased visibility” in years. This is the company that puts John Cena matches on after its WWE Championship matches. Why have belts at all? Darren Young could be doing what Wade Barrett’s doing right now and nothing would change. Absolutely nothing. No difference in match quality, ratings, t-shirt sales, nothing. You’re wasting money AND a belt AND television time AND a wrestler’s talent AND the talent of OTHER wrestlers who could hypothetically do something interesting or compelling or important with your secondary championships with no positive results. What is wrong with you. Stop it.”
Here is the logic I’ve come up with to help ME with this:
Heels are always looking for the easiest way to anything. At least, that’s how they should be written. When they’re a champion, non-title matches are probably their best friend. Nothing’s at stake; they still get to be a champion after the match is done. So they don’t have to put in as MUCH effort in their match. Just enough so that they can still look good (villains should be vain, after all), and maybe, if they’re a thinking man’s heel, they’re scouting their opponent firsthand, should the stakes (their belt) should ever enter into a rematch.
That’s how I was able to reconcile Antonio Cesaro tapping out to Alberto Del Rio’s Cross Armbreaker last week. He was tapping out before they were even horizontal. Why spend God knows how long nursing your good Swiss Death-dealing arm back to 100% when you can just take a loss that doesn’t really cost you anything?
Raw last night reaffirmed my undying love for CM Punk and his good promos and my general malaise for every other match on the card (including Hell No/Ziggy Lang)
I heard they were writing out Ricardo, too, and the only way this works for me is if he comes back as El Local (or Chimera, if they don’t want to give him a joke name), and have him be a friend of Ricardo’s, who wants revenge for his friend. Otherwise, yeah, he’s absolutely necessary for Del Rio.
I would LOVE for Ricardo to come back like Gandalf the White (Ricardo El Blanco?) as Chimera and actually wrestle in matches.
Pancake Patterson ain’t no ham and egger!
What about alternate explanations for why they call him Pancake?
“Cuz I puts people to sleep, that’s what I do!”
Just when I thought I could finally start to enjoy your writing (since you stopped doing the asinine forced plurals of proper nouns)…
Listen, good for you on the movie, but christ. We have to click through a page before getting to actually WWE coverage? And a page full of pictures of your pop punk nerd crush? Reeks of neckbeardiness…
I’ve been an Uproxx lurker since the beginning and it pains me to read your stuff (especially as a long time wrestling fan) because of two things:
1) Your incredible neediness and tendency to self serve (your girlfriend, the whole vegan nonsense, your goofy baseball-centric posts that I surmise got you the job, and now this whole movie thing… but good on ya for netting Mr. Runnels)
2) As was said above, you do have this tendency to wanna have your cake and eat it too. Chris Jericho can come out on Raw last year for four weeks in a row and say nothing and you think it’s fucking fantastic (as long as the payoff is what B Stroud wants) but when he does any other daffy nonsense that doesn’t jibe with you (which it could end up in him yet again putting over an up and comer like Curtis, in this case), you rip it up and complain.
It’s just horribly obnoxious, dude. Think a little harder when you write and stroke your super smark, Haylie loving peen a little less.
Your previous gimmick was a lot better.
Well, nut-swinging can’t get us all over, mate.
Sorry you don’t like it. The good news is that you don’t have to read it if you don’t enjoy it. It is extremely easy!
I’m terribly confused as to why you’re here in the first place, then. You say you’re a long-time lurker….why? So you could finally get to the point where you felt comfortable ripping someone to shreds about…having a girlfriend? Not eating meat? Giving their opinions in a column that is solely about their opinions? I’m pretty sure there are other places to talk about wrestling that will also appreciate you acting like a shithead. Maybe you should check those out.
I should know better than to engage a troll, but I think it’s important to point out that it’s perfectly fine to disagree with what Brandon is writing. One of the cool things about message boards and comment threads is that people can voice varying opinions on the same subject. That being said: There is no reason to be a dick about it. You can ask the writer why they are okay with one thing and not another/voice your distaste for the gifs he posts in a respectful manner, engage in criticism, or dislike something without it getting into name calling. In fact one of the reasons I enjoy this column so much is I get to talk about wrestling without someone calling someone else a faggot every three seconds. There has got to be room to discuss the pros and cons or differences in any column, there doesn’t have to be senseless taunts.
I don’t think you really get how the internet works, or the difference between silent appearances relying on natural charisma to build and obnoxious attempts at being “funny” without any actual effort.
It’s important to remember that this column is what I thought of a wrestling show from my perspective, not hard-hitting, objective WWE analysis. It’s going to be from my personal perspective. That entails all the stupid shit that makes me me. If I am this wholly undesirable guy to you, that’s cool, and there are lots and lots of people writing about wrestling on the Internet.
Too obvious. 2/10. Would not troll.
You’re the only guy on Uproxx who makes 1/3 of the material he writes about himself.The KSK guys weren’t doing it in their articles before they got on, Ufford didn’t either. Neither did anyone on The Last Boss… In fact, the only blogger I can think of who did was that god awful Brendan from WWTDD and he’s mercifully gone.
It goes beyond the WWE stuff and I’m certainly not expecting it to be hard-hitting. It’s sports entertainment. But you can’t fault a guy for doing something stupid one week (when he is part of a billion dollar sports entertainment entity) that you hated and then fellate a superstar who did or does something similar just because you like him/his character. And for the record, I know your stance on Jericho, so I know you don’t dislike him in the least.
However, I think it’s important that this be said. Because if I’m being honest there are times where I truly enjoy what you write Brandon — especially about WWE — and I think you should know that but you also need to hear from someone who isn’t only here to kiss your ass that when you shoehorn your life into a majority of the content you post, there’s a good bunch of us who don’t give a shit. Maybe you take what I’ve said into consideration, maybe you don’t. More importantly, you know this perspective exists now.
And Isadora, you and I were on the same page until you implied that I’d like to read wrestling articles where “faggot” was liberally used or that I liberally use that I want or care to flippantly call names on the internet. Like “shithead”, right Fembot? Listen, I like Brandon’s writing when he’s not greasing up his life’s details to shove them in a tight little Uproxx article, no need for you all to get your raging little nerdboners so rock hard. You’ll end up fainting.
First of all, I’d like to thank HMDTonyJ for giving me the courage to transition from general lurker (my lurking stretches far outside the boundaries of Uproxx) to short-lived, baiting commenter. See, I’ve had this nerdboner since I first stumbled upon the Best and Worst of WWE Raw column over a year ago. My hands and feet haven’t been warm since. The column was written by this dude who would share insights from his life in order to better explain his viewpoints. You know what happened next bro? He snuck attacked me. I was looking for funny, educated, cleverly written column about the show I just watched. Brandon was relatable on a level that I wasn’t expecting. I ended up getting my first nerdboner and had to read Associated Press articles for the next 72-hours just to get flaccid again. Everything was fine until I read more columns. And more. I’ve been rigidly nerdy ever since.
You’ve inspired me to strike back! Selfishly! To ease this discomfort!
#1 – Brandon, stop supporting ideas you like and complaining about ones you don’t. That’s a normal human reaction and everybody knows that vegans who have girlfriends aren’t people.
#2 – Stop being so needy and self serving when your writing your column reviewing the WWE product. It is completely contradictory to the WWE that I know and love. And I am a LONGTIME wrestling fan.
#3 – Don’t like other things. No more Hay Lee from Paramore pictures when I’m my mind is focused on something else. It’s obnoxious.
#4 – I’m not trying to make waves here. I truly love everything you’ve ever written. But I hate everything you’ve written. That’s my point and I wanted to be the first to say it.
#5 – You’re the ONLY blogger I read that references their life outside of the subject matter I’m concentrating on. You do it well and in context. It’s makes your columns personable and extremely enjoyable to read. When you feel like you know the writer it’s like hearing from a friend. (Disclaimer: My hands are numb and I had to type that last part with my nerdy cock, so please know that I meant it and disregard it in hopes that karma can sort this shit out.)
#6 – The rest of you guys are jerks. Not you HMDTonyJ. We’re classy.
I look forward to reading every Best & Worst from now until the end. But just know that I will be trying to find an illogical balance of things I like and don’t like about them, if only to feel my toes again.
(Forgive me Tony!) The Meet Me There news is the coolest thing I’ve seen all day. I’m beyond excited to see a Brandon Stroud penned horror movie. If the mood is anything like the teaser, I’m in. If it’s not I’m still totally in. Congratulations man, that’s fantastic. I’ll be sharing it with everyone I know. Even those creeps who tell me about their lives.
I love you, DangerClerk. Gonna start writing too much about that in the Best and Worst of Raw!
Yeah WWTDD has been GREAT since Brendon left.
I’m still confused by the part where he’s mad at you for having different opinions about different things.
I just went down the Youtube wormhole of Ricardo Rodriguez Chikara/FCW matches and it makes me sad that, up to this point, they haven’t utilized him as more than just an announcer. I also saw old school The Shield in a triple threat match from FCW. I’ve mised so much.
And Skip’s behind the back full nelson bomb-esqe finisher is much cooler then the Shellshock, I’d say.
I mentioned it once before but, Wikipedia says that the Shellshock is a “cradle suplex lifted and transitioned into a delayed running horizontal muscle buster”.
It’s a fucking Samoan drop. Is it not?
Not quite. Shellshock rides the guy higher, over the top of his shoulders. Samoan drop puts the guy behind your shoulders so that your weight is dropping onto them as well. Also, the Shellshock features the running forward drop back, which a Samoan drop doesn’t, as someone giving a Samoan drop typically jumps backwards. Realistically a Samoan drop should hurt more, but I guess putting them up six inches higher makes it devastating?
I think Shellshock just seems more impressive based on how Ryback lifts his opponent into position. When he does it to someone massive (except Tensai, obvs) it looks like he’s a fucking beast. We he does to someone smaller it looks like nobody gives a fuck, because so what, he completed half a fisherman’s suplex, hooray.
Getting someone across your shoulders for Samoan Drop is basically them jump-laying on your shoulders and you performing a squat to get yourself to the upright position. This is basically the poor-man’s version of power. Remember, it’s how WWE tried to make Barret look like a beast by lifting Big Show. It was impressive but not particularly so.
Its a Samoan drop, only he doesn’t have to touch by his manparts LIKE A FAG. That’s my idea on Rybacks motivation for the move. Like John Cena’s quasi fisherman’s suplex. He doesn’t hook the leg to cradle for the pin, he hooks the leg cause grabbing tights IS FOR FAGS.
Here’s a link of Skip’s old finisher for everyone who doesn’t know what I’m talking about: [www.youtube.com] .
Now, I find this finisher much cooler then the Shellshock. Even when he was one upping Mark Henry he was still walking around in a circle before he dropped him. For as strong as the Shellshock makes S.S. look, it’ll look x10 as worse if he ever Tensai’s it again. And who cares if it doesn’t make him look strong? Cena has a glorified Fireman’s Carry. Also, Iron Mike, I know what you mean. Whenever Sheamus lifts Big Show, Cole cums so hard his back cracks.
Other excellent read, and it’s overwhelmingly depressing to think that Hell No will drop the tag belts to Ziggler and Big E (not that they’re not great and worthy or anything), but holy shit put them on Rhodes Scholars and let Rhodes and Sandow start getting marks in the W column.
HHH loves him some specialty matches.
Doesn’t have to “wrestle” that way.
You know they were talking about what sort of match to make and every time Creative came up with something, Triple HHH said “Needs more sledgehammer.”
Congrats on everything, Brandon! Couldn’t happen to a more deserving fellow!
Congrats on the movie, B! Dustin & Jill… so awesome.
Pancake Patterson was easily the best part of the night. I can’t remember who said it, but CM Punk needed the Harlem Globetrotters music playing behind him while urn tossing.
And I, for one, enjoy a good Haley .gif. Great column on a sub-par show!
Brandon, I wanted to take a quick second to say thank you for engaging us unwashed masses in the comments, even the people with beef (puns!). A lot of internet writer people won’t take the time to respond to comments, even when they ask for the readers thoughts (I’m looking at you Soccer by Ives). I’ve always appreciated the fact that you do.
Congratulations on the movie!
CM Punk hears dead people.
Okay, here’s my ‘fantasy storyline’ that takes Wade Barrett from upjumped jobber to full-on BEASTM0DEZ!!!!1 because I’m with Brandon in terms of how WWE completely wastes guys like Barrett and the Intercontinental title.
1. Have Barrett lose the title to someone completely unworthy of beating him. Doesn’t matter who, just make the loss as humiliating as possible for Barrett.
2. Have Barrett storm out. And I mean storm the fuck out. He’s furious. Not even at his opponent. He’s pissed off at the fans. He’s pissed off at the WWE. He’s pissed off at the catering guy. He’s pissed off at himself. Have Josh Mathews try to stop him for a quick interview just so Barrett can beat the holy shit out of him on his way out of the arena as he storms off into the night.
3. Have Barrett no-show a “scheduled” match on an upcoming RAW. Cole and Lawler are all, like, what the shit is going on?! I don’t think we’ve EVER had a WWE Superstar not appear for match before. EVER. Oooh, drama, suspense. TV audience is all WTF?! Live crowd is all WTF?! Man, Barrett must have been really pissed about his loss to no-show. GM Whoever might have a thing or two to say about this.
4. The following week, Barrett no-shows again. Same shit, where could he be? What the hell is going on? Have a segment where the GM is interviewed regarding the “Barrett situation” and have the GM say Barrett must appear the following week for a disciplinary meeting or he’ll be fired immediately.
5. That week he shows up and he’s not the same Barrett at all. No smiling. No witty banter. He looks like he’s so pissed off him might shoot-murder someone. The GM calls him in to his office and says his punishment for no-showing the past two weeks is facing (insert a superstar who’s a big name, someone you’d expect to beat Barrett, but not at the Cena level, obvs). If Barrett loses he’s fired.
6. It’s a squash match. But not the way you’d expect. The match starts, Barrett drops his opponent with a goddamn HEART PUNCH. Holy shit?! Big name superstar is down. Cole and Lawler are beside themselves. OMG he just used a heart punch! That move hasn’t been since in a professional wrestling ring since Ox Baker killed a man with it back in 1971?! (true or false, that stat makes it seems even more awesome than the heart punch already is). Barret scores the pin and the victory. The ref immediately calls for the paramedics. The loser is clutching his chest like he’s got a foot in the grave. Barret doesn’t even celebrate, he just stalks off. The crowd doesn’t know what to make of what they’ve just witness (guaranteed).
From there, you start a nice steady build to Barrett and as WWE title threat. Along the way you let Barrett explain that he was always pissed off that the WWE made him use the old “Barrage” elbow crap instead of letting him use his fists like he grew up doing on the mean streets or whatever, and from now on he’s basically going to just hospitalize people until he feels like he’s gotten the respect he deserves. From here you could have any number of awesome things happen over the course of the next year. I’d definitely want to see one RAW where Barrett wins his match, via Heart Punch of course, and then proceeds to Heart Punch everyone because FUCK YOU NOBODY CAN STAND IN MY WAY. The ref gets a heart punch. The paramedics get one. The suits from backstage who try to restrain wrestlers during brawls get some. Barrett’s literally making his way through the back leaving a trail of destruction. On a subsequent episode Barrett confronts whoever the Intercontinental champion is at the time (who has the belt slung over his shoulder) and Barrett heart punches the guy so hard he leaves a massive fist-shaped dent in the metal of the belt. Barrett then goes on to win the Intercontinental title with it’s fist-dented metal and says, you know what, screw this, and he chucks it in the can, because Barrett is a beast and doesn’t give a fuck. At that point you can have Cena get on the mic the very next episode of RAW to berate Barrett for not having any respect for the title because Cena blah blah blah respect and loving the belt and other Cena bullshit. Ideally Cena is the WWE champion at the time, so the Cena-Barrett feud is for the WWE title. If Cena isn’t the champ, then it’s just a chance to boost Barrett’s stock by having him come out of the feud with victories over Super Cena where you can have Barrett heart-punch the living crap out of Cena (OMG yes!!!) and then, in the rematch, Cena wears, like, a bullet-proof vest because that’s totally something Cena would do. Also, it would be pretty awesome (even though I hate Cena).
Ideally, though, you’d go from his shocking reveal of the heart punch to WWE title contender, and eventual Champion, over the course of a full year so there’s no blown-load syndrome (see Ryback). Then, who knows. A Heart Punch vs. WMD feud with Big Show? Heart Punch vs. Undertaker at Wrestlemania (how can you heart punch a dead man?!)?
At the end of the day, though, Barrett is a legit beast. And it wouldn’t take a massive redoing of his character. He’s still the tough street-bred brawler. But now he’s just decided to let himself off the chain. And everyone is gonna pay.
We’re going to need a cleanup on Aisle 4. It’s my brain.
Uhm…Damn.
This guy right here…I wanna hang out with this guy.
Give this man a job NOW.
I LOVE this.
While it does build Barrett back up to BEAST MODE (not to be confused with Brad Mad-Ox’s BEEF MODE), it doesn’t do much for the IC Title. You have Barrett win it back, only to toss it in the trash right after he gets it back. It does justify bringing Cena in to help build Barrett up, but it does no favors to the belt.
It’s very similar to WCW when Hacksaw Jim Duggan, as a janitor, found the TV Title in the trash and began defending it. Sure, Bo Dallas won’t rescue the IC Title and defend it (or at least I hope), but it still lowers the value a bit.
If you want, have someone like Joe Hennig defend the honor of the IC Title. Have the IC Cup go on, have Hennig beat Kofi in the finals, then have him call out Barrett for disrespecting the belt. Have Hennig reference his father holding this title, how Barrett disrespected the legacy of the belt, and have a one-on-one match for the title. Have a competitive back and forth that builds Hennig up, but at the same time keeps Barrett strong. Have Barrett tease the Heart Punch, but have Hennig wins after Cenanigans. This way, Hennig defends the honor of the IC Title and you add more fire to the Barrett-Cena feud.
@ EpicRamenTime
I’m tempted to go full-on sarcasm and say “Oh, shit, I didn’t realize that. Thank you for highlighting the flaw in my master plan!!!” except that, since the WWE thinks the Intercontinental title is a throw-away belt you might as well make the most of that by literally having Barrett throw it away.
And, I’m sorry (because I know this is only my opinion and you might get butt-hurt by it because it’s gonna be blunt) but…NO to the rest of your comment. This is a big build for Barrett. It’s not an opportunity to stick builds for other guys into the storyline. That’s how shit gets so muddled in WWE. They can’t pick storylines, focus on them and play them out properly because the have creative attention deficit disorder. Or they’re all high. Or, possibly (probably?) both.
Fair enough. I do hate that the IC Title has become pretty much a throwaway belt, but figured I’d give it a shot.
I do enjoy your plan for Barrett and want to see him succeed though. Hopefully that didn’t get lost in my fantasy booking.
I want to make love to this idea! Take it home to my parents, live with it, propose to it, then marry it :-)
The thing that infuriated me the most about Raw this week was why didn’t Hunter just read the contract to find out the stipulation, prior to signing it?
needed WAY more shield, but eh.
the “oh shit!” moment had me going. OH NOES! PUNK SAID A SWEARS!
Pancakes are delicious
Surprised by no mention of how garbage the crowd was. And not just dead, but the “U-S-A” chants in the Del Rio – Swagger part were god awful. Heard a few distinct “They took our jobs” from the audience as well.
Changes of Pittsburgh getting another road to wrestlemania date in the near future? Slim to none.
I sometime wish they would keep track of Kofi current losing streak and so him and Zack Ryder could have a loser off at Wrestlemania.
WM is gonna be the most illegally streamed while simultaneously complaining live event in the history of PPV
Brandon, I love the blog. I look forward to reading it every Tuesday, and in some cases Wednesday. I do have a problem with this week’s and I’ve barely read it. So if a female wrestler who gets paid to dress slutty gets called a slut on TV, you object? Yet your favorite part of Raw is a shitty parody of a shitty racist Tyler Perry character? I’m all for low brow humor, but I don’t watch House of Payne, so what do I know.
I don’t think you can really dress “slutty.” I think that’s an issue totally unrelated to clothing. I don’t like slut (or slutty) being used as a way to get an arena full of people to clap and cheer and chant, no, because a woman having sex with whoever she wants is not a thing to be derided. I also think a woman should be able to wear whatever she wants, and men should get the fuck over it. Enjoy it or not, that’s their call, but get over it.
I also really don’t think those things have a lot to do with one another. If Titus is doing a mammie dance like Brodus Clay did at WrestleMania, then sure, but as of right now it’s Titus in a wig acting stupid, and I enjoy that. Not because he’s black and acting stupid.
I didn’t get Tyler Perry from Pancake Patterson – he had me thinking of Richard Pryor’s Mudbone character…now, if he debuts a Madea-style character, then I would have to wash my hands of it and bow out. Which would make me sad because I enjoy the Primetime Players WAY too much.
Christian Rose said on Twitter that Rosa Mendes looks like Lou Diamond Phillips and now I can’t get it out of my head. :-/
Congrats on the movie Brandon.
I’m going to Raw tomorrow night in Philly and I’ve never been to a TV taping before. I’ve been to a dark show but that was years ago. What time should I get there? I assume there’s matches before 8?
I’m trying to remember from the Smackdown taping I went to last year… I’d say *at least* half an hour before the show. I couldn’t say for sure, though, because I always like to be at a venue early anyway, to check out the merch, and so I don’t have to find my seat in the dark.
I don’t want to sound like a smartass, but what time is printed on the tickets?
The tickets say 7:30. I just wasn’t sure if any cool stuff happened before.
Hope I don’t get buried, but…I kinda liked cool dad and his unfunny. He didn’t use any slurs and at least it sort of made sense in the context of fandango having a kayfabe dumb name.
But I mean whatever I’m biased.