Worst: “My Favorite Memory Of Paul Bearer Is The Last Time He Was Here Rest N Peace Sweet Prints” – Tout
This is the problem with doing an “honor this guy” Tout hashtag for a guy who never really did anything in WWE other than be funny and memorable. Like, even Paul Bearer fans would have trouble coming up with a great Paul Bearer memory that isn’t “something funny or memorable he did while Undertaker or Kane were talking/wrestling” or “that time he returned alongside Undertaker/Kane.” Now you’re gonna ask the same trogs that Tout catchphrases to remember something about him? They can’t even remember things about Randy Orton. All they can remember is “the viper” and “RKO,” because THEY ARE FIELD MICE WHO SOMEHOW HAVE COMPUTERS.
So yeah, I’m proud that you got on TV honoring Paul Bearer with that great memory of the time RATED R-SUPERSTAR kidnapped and tortured him. I’m glad he gave 40 years to the business so your fondest recollection of him could be “whatever he did last.”
Best: Brad Maddox Is So Awesome
You know what I love so much about Brad Maddox? The fact that the WWE Universe doesn’t know what to do with him. He’s different. He’s got a different cadence, like Jake Roberts or Arn Anderson used to, where the crowd is so used to ARGLE BLARGHLE I WILL COMMANDEER YOUR AIRPLANE HO KOGAN or whatever that a calm, serious dude seemed like a massive threat. And sure, Maddox isn’t in the same league as those guys, but he’s got the same vibe … he’s a sniveling, borderline-super-stupid little handsome boy who wormed his way into a WWE position and sold out his employers/assaulters (still haven’t totally figured that one out) to get a position of POWER. So now he’s showing up to make GM decisions, but he doesn’t really know how to speak in front of anybody or be convincing as a shouty asshole, so he does what he does. I think it’s brilliant. Every time he opens his mouth, I’m interested to hear what he says. That doesn’t happen a lot.
He’s just so legitimately weird. I want to hear him say more stuff. Sometimes in a Bane voice!
Worst: The Miz, Chris Jericho, Wade Barrett’s Movie And Everything Else
Remember that thing I wrote earlier about how Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler chucklemonster’d through the Highlight Reel, turning a bad segment into a horrifically offensive one? What was that about? Jericho spent the entire time unhappy with how his “set” looked and wouldn’t stop talking about it, Miz was Awful Babyface Miz, Wade Barrett continued his weird quest to get Dead Man Down over as the movie WWE audiences should want to see the least, and to top it all off, Jericho went FULL CENA with a Jim Carrey impression. In 2013.
That eventually turned itself into a match, with Jericho wrestling Miz and Wade Barrett on commentary. I like to refer to this match as “playing through the Intercontinental Championship story mode.” It’s the laziest possible wrestling writing … one guy’s the Intercontinental Champion. Two guys are wrestling for a shot at it. One guy throws the other guy into the champion while the champion does commentary. That turns into a threeway brawl. That ONLY COULD POSSIBLY set up a triple threat match for the Intercontinental title. It’s so, so tired, and about a thousand times worse when you put it after a talk show segment.
WWE, please consider having a match between Chris Jericho and Miz at WrestleMania with this stipulation: “the winner is the only person who ever gets to do talk show segments in WWE again, ever. EVER, CAPITAL LETTERS.” Have it end in a double countout about 9 seconds into the match and have Vince announce that now nobody except Roddy Piper ever gets to do talk show segments again. This should be followed by Roddy Piper maybe doing one or two more Pipers Pits ever, and only when you’ve written something really great for them.
Best: Sin Care-A
Stop making me like Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter, WWE. YOU STOP DOING IT THIS INSTANT.
It’s hard for me to maintain a healthy “I appreciate what they’re doing, despite not agreeing with what they say or do” attitude toward these guys when Swagger’s lipsy WEEEE, THA PAPAL thing is so much fun to chant in real life (try it at the grocery store) and Zeb is straight-up calling Sin Cara “Sin Care-a” and accusing luchadors of jumping (plancha’ing?) over the border. It’s reprehensible content made SUPER CATCHY. It’s like the Ke$ha song of pro wrestlers. Here I am dancing my ass off to ‘Die Young’, not giving f**k one that it’s about a lady who is disappointed that she can’t hook up with a guy she met in the club because she’s pretty sure he’s got a big dick.
Zeb Colter’s pro wrestling aptitude dick is SEVERE.