Worst: I’m Down For The Mark Henry/Ryback Thing, But Man, Leave Poor 3MB Alone
Good stuff: Mark Henry appearing on more than one segment in a show makes me feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone. How long’s it been since that happened? Furthermore, any instance of Mark Henry showing up to split wigs (any wigs, any wigs at all) is appreciated and enjoyed. I’m looking forward to the Ryback/Henry showdown and assume it’ll be my “me against the crowd” moment at WrestleMania. I keep finding myself in those. It was Del Rio/Sheamus at SummerSlam and basically every match at Elimination Chamber. I’d love if it they used the Henry/Ryback match on Smackdown to have Henry just f**king TROUNCE Ryback, so Ryback can develop some sort of humility or nuance or character beyond “breathlessly yelling about meat.”
Anyway, yeah, if Mark Henry does have some kind of match involving Ryback at WrestleMania and you cheer for Ryback, you are dead to me. Just know that.
Bad stuff: The Drew-Off.
Poor Drew McIntyre. Mark Henry and Ryback took turns doing finishers to him to prove that they were … I don’t know, more hoss (?) than the other. It led to Ryback breaking out the “you ain’t NOTHIN’” insult from Michael Jackson’s ‘Bad’ video (which was pretty funny), but I wish Heath Slater and Drew McIntyre (and Jinder Mahal, for that matter) had something better to do than be cannon fodder for somebody else’s important moments. I guess that’s the downside to cheering for the jobbers and NXT guys … you get attached to them, and their perfectly acceptable role as “guy who doesn’t win” becomes insulting. Like, Heath Slater doesn’t need a title run or whatever, he’s exceptional at acting stupid and taking a move brilliantly and getting home before 10 o’clock. And here I am wishing that Heath Slater had a title run.
Best: Team Rhodes Scholars Are Important Again, I Guess!
so, this is fair
Regardless, Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow almost got the win on Sheamus and Randy Orton (in a loose interpretation of “almost”) after wrestling earlier in the night, and it was pretty good, especially for a “Randy Orton trying to get people into position for the rope DDT” thing. Sheamus and Orton continue to be those weird top-shelf WWE stars who don’t have a lot of personality and exist only to say I LIKE YOU or I HATE YOU and just win all the time, but Cody and Sandow are dynamic enough to keep me interested. This is, of course, a placeholder for the inevitable Randy Orton turn (or Sheamus turn, if we’re lucky), which will give both of those guys Mania matches and leave Rhodes Scholars slumming it with Jimmy and Jey on the pre-show (if even THAT), but hey, a decent Raw tag match is an endangered species these days.
Worst: Antonio Cesaro And Wade Barrett Should Have A Title Unification Match And Somehow Both Lose
Here’s what I wrote about Antonio Cesaro in last week’s column, following his 8 minute loss to Ryback:
What I did enjoy, at least, is Antonio Cesaro getting to look like a tough, competent wrestler before going down. When he wrestles Randy Orton (as he’s done so many times), Cesaro looks okay, but he also looks like he’s waiting around for Orton to hit his big moves. He’s just finding complex ways to get onto the apron for the rope DDT or jump headlong into an RKO “out of nowhere” that is out of so specifically SOMEWHERE. That wasn’t the case against Ryback, who took as much as he gave, and got the victory at the end of a hot, physical sequence of moves. The European uppercut counter to the Meat Hook was a knockout blow, and when Cesaro set up for the Neutralizer with his El Generico hands waving around everywhere I thought, “wow, are they gonna let Cesaro win?” Of course, they didn’t, and that’s fine if you’re giving Ryback a showcase thing at Mania and relegating the US title to pre-show nothingness (or just regular nothingness). At least the finishing counters were cool. Cesaro’s too good to not land on his feet somewhere more interesting than Jobber To The Stars. You know, eventually.
That said, Antonio Cesaro once again got to look good in his 5 minute loss to World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio.
Here’s what I’ll write about Antonio Cesaro in the next 15 Raw columns, after he’s lost to everybody on the roster and is somehow still the United States Champion:
FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Worst: “SAY SOMETHING”
Speaking of FFFFUUUUUUUUUU, a colossal, sustained “f**k you” goes out to that fan who decided to scream SAY SOMETHING during Kane’s backstage interview where he’s all quietly holding Paul Bearer’s urn and feeling badly because his FATHER JUST DIED. Even outside of kayfabe, an important performer in the history of the show you paid to see is being honored in a series of little moments and you are F**KING THAT UP because you are either drunk and ignorant or too ravaged by ADHD to accept humans when they are not dressed as Run DMC and dancing. I hate you so much, Say Something Fan. You are the problem. Do not ever go to a wrestling show again.
Best: Halle Berry Has Fire Powers, Or
Worst: This Is When A Continuity Guy Would Probably Come In Handy
I thought this segment was cute when I watched it. I got to see David Otunga again (YEAH) and the reveal that Halle Berry also has telekinetic pro wrestling fire powers was great. I also like that David Otunga had a camera crew in his house filming his phone call to Halle Berry, because that is such a David Otunga thing to do. And yeah, therapy tag team Kane is adorable.
But yeah, no, this was not a good idea. In the best interpretation of the character, Kane is a reformed rapist and murderer who as recently as January of last year handicapped a man, tried to drag him into a fire pillar that may or may not represent Christianity’s interpretation of Hell and attempted to kidnap a woman to convince a tangentially-related-to-the-situation guy about the value of embracing one’s inner hatred. He is also stalking a celebrity and physically threatened a co-worker who happened to be in a movie with her to get her personal information. This is … not cute.
Although it would’ve been pretty funny if he’d dropped the “my dad just died” line for sympathy.
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It has arrived.
Here it is! After 30 mins of refreshing the main page, its up and I can now take my 30 min break
Undertaker’s Spiky Devil Castle DOES exist, he bought it from Vader after the White Castle of Fear.
Brad Maddox is so awkwardly awesome. Down the line, they should pair him up with Emma (NXT Diva with a similar “awkward/deliberately bad/delusional” gimmick as Brad Maddox) to form an Alliance of Awkwardness.
I really wish he would parody Teddy Long and start making tag team matches only no one pays attention to him and just keeps doing what they’re doing.
I hope hes a wwe-er for life, and in 10 years is revelling in a decade of awkward destruction
Brad Maddox was awesome on Smackdown last Friday, he did commentary with Cole and Mathews for most of the show and was so awkwardly hilarious. “Michael Cole remind me to fire you when we get to Raw on Monday… Josh I think I’m gonna promote you to assistant commentator”
Having people call him MAD-OX will never get old.
I love how Zeb Colter rolls his Rs when saying ADRs name but can’t bother to pronounce Sin Cara’s name properly.
Well, does Del Rio have rolling Rs in his name? I think he’s mispronouncing both of them. To me, the rolling Rs are kind of mocking; and the way he pronounced Sin Cara is how a lot of dumb white people would say it.
Considering the fact that ADRs personal ring announcer and best friend Ricardo rolls the R in Del Rio’s name I’m going to say yes, he does have a rolling R in his name.
I wish ADR still had the cars so that he and Ricardo could sing “Ridin” by Chamillionaire.
“If a soccer team ran out onto the field 20 seconds into every game, beat everybody up, posed, then immediately left, all you’d think is ‘man, those guys are assholes and terrible at soccer.’”
I now have a mental image of The Shield as soccer hooligans beating up the other soccer team then leaving after they’re done.
My soccer team hasn’t won a game in 2 months and we haven’t beat up a single guy. Clearly we’re doing something wrong.
Zeb Colter: “That’s because they’re a soccer team. Like in Mexico.”
@DevilDinosaur
Clearly, your team needs to dress up in all-black paramilitary gear, enter through the crowd, and beat up the opposing team before the soccer match starts. Then leave right after.
I missed Halle Berry on Raw? *throws all the couches*
I’m still reading but “…and a triple powerbomb into residue for Hornswoggle” was the best and funniest thing I’ve read in a while.
I’ve never understood the DX hate
they are uncool adults who talk about sucking dicks all the time, point at their dicks all the time and have some sort of weird legendary status because they rode a prop jeep to a WCW show once, despite their only good original member (HBK) bailing on them for like a decade
And when DX reunited, we got one of the worst years of television ever, featuring cock jokes, Candice Michelle getting a blowjob at a cookout, decals passing as “spraypaint” and a “Little People’s Court” segment where a bunch of midgets live under the ring and have court
So yes, totally justified.
I’m not getting the issue. In fact remembering that stuff is making me laugh of course I also find shemus’s antic funny as well.
If/when you have children of your own, make an hour worth of dick jokes to them, twice a week, from the time they’re 12 to the time they’re 28.
That’s DX.
Lol I know it’s juvenile and sophomoric but that’s why it’s funny
After 16 years you still find the same jokes funny? Eh, enjoy yourself, but consider raising the bar for your entertainment.
I tried that once when I watch an episode of parks and rec. I didn’t like it.
“Do you think that your fathers are watching? That they weigh you in their ledger-book? Against what? There is no book and your fathers are dead in the ground.”
Although I still have nostalgic reserves of love left for the New Age Outlaws, I still think it’s weird that, during a decade where people were saying, “It’s the ’90s, man!” and lauding it’s implied modernity, going black face was totally acceptable and funny from a bunch of guys close to middle age making 13 year olds like myself laugh by pretending to be 13.
It’s understandable to like schlock humor for its perverse simplicity. And liking something through nostalgia but understanding how it may be wrong or terrible is a common human trait. That’s not a problem. But not getting the deeper reasons why it’s bad isn’t an encouraging thing.
“you shouldn’t think that’s funny!”
“But I do”
“Get better taste”
“No thanks”
Both go back to talking about wrestling.
It’s not a matter of taste. Tasteless things can be funny as hell. Just not for 16 years.
I know why it’s bad it just doesn’t bother me
Fair enough.
Yeah if you didn’t like Parks and Rec it makes sense you’d like DX. But hey if you’re not down with Ron Swanson I got two words for you: Meat Tornado.
Why are you guys allowing yourselves to be trolled? You all is too ding dang smart for that.
They peaked with the football jersey
I’m sure we’ve all seen that commercial for a sound system or something that uses the “Bohemian Rhapsody” scene from Wayne’s World, right?
…Well, nostalgia for things people thought were funny when they were teenagers means we’ll be seeing DX reunions until they’re all dead. It’s the American way.
“After 16 years you still find the same jokes funny? Eh, enjoy yourself, but consider raising the bar for your entertainment.”
Hmm… so should I assume you’re in the crowd that thinks DX is stupid, yet Brad Maddox is somehow intricate entertainment genius? If so, then may I remind you this is wrestling. The only lower forms of entertainment are probably reality TV and politics. So yeah, you’re doing it wrong.
CP: “FINISH HIM”
NOW HOLE ON A MINUTE, PLAYAS!
LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE OURSELVES A BIT OF A MISUNDERSTANDING GOING ON.
LUCKILY I KNOW THE SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM.
WE ARE GOING TO HAVE OURSELVES A TAG! TEAM! MATCH!
IT’S GONNA BE:
EVERYONE WHO POSTED ON THIS THREAD
VERSUS!
THE UN-DAH-TAKER!
AND
RANDY OR-TAHN!
HOLLA HOLLA, PLAYAS!
You forgot DA CEL-TIC WAR-YUH… SHA-MUS!
NO I DIDN’T, PLAYA!
BECAUSE TONIGHT IN THAT VERY RING!
CROW OF THE WALRUS, YOU WILL BE GOING ONE ON ONE WIT DA CEL-TIC WAR-YUHM SHEAMUS! ;-)
It’s only a “lower form of entertainment” if you continue pandering to the lowest common denominator.
Which they will cause that’s thier core fan base
CP: Good luck finding me singing the praises of Brad Maddox anywhere. By “consider raising the bar for your entertainment,” I wasn’t talking about taking up fucking Shakespeare. Again, these are 16 year old dick jokes. Not even “these guys have been telling dick jokes for 16 years.” They are literally – and for once, literally actually means literally – telling the exact same dick jokes they’ve been telling since 1997. Hey, if you get off on nostalgia, don’t let me ruin your good time, but I’m not looking for high concept, just a new dick joke.
The original DX with HBK and HHH are the heels that I hated the most in my wrestling fandom. I took a vicious pleasure in Shawn Michaels hurting his back. The HHH iteration that feuded with the NOD are something that I enjoyed as well. The 1999 version less so (though we got 2000 swank HHH out of it).
From 2006 on they became exactly what they were supposed to be parodying: middle-aged men acting like teenagers.
When I read the end of Page 2 I thought you were calling Naomi and Girl Who’s Not Fandangoo The Balloonadactyls. That is all.
Punk was flat-out AMAZING last night. So nice to know he is fearless in trying to get himself over as a heel. I saw people on Twitter saying, “That was so tasteless,” and I wanted to yell at them, “This is the same guy who made fun of Jerry Lawler for having a heart attack TO HIS FACE. He’s a bad guy. BEING TASTELESS IS THE POINT.”
Reeeeeeallly hoping for 20-1 a few weeks from now. Not sure if they have the guts to do it, but realllllly hoping for it.
I like to think that behind the scenes, ‘Taker pushed for Punk to be the guy to end the streak. That’s my only hope at Punk winning at WM. I have no basis for this thought, other then perhaps ‘Taker sees in Punk a younger version of himself. A true passing of the torch, not amongst characters on TV, but wrestlers in the business.
Cole, UT and Kane are half brothers not step brothers. Same mom.
I thought Bearer was their dad and they each had a different mom… I never did get that over the years.
No, Takers mom cheated on his dad with Paul Bearer. Clearly she had great taste.
I like to think that she had a very masculine voice so that their sex noises weren’t like dueling Furbys.
Best possible ending at WM: Punk beats Taker and steals the urn, gaining his lightning powers. Punk beats Kane at the next PPV and absorbs his fire powers. The combination of both in one being shatters the urn forever, causing Punk to become the new lord of Phrexyia
I could totally get behind CM Punk, Yawgmoth of Chicago.
I thought the lightning power up allows him to double jump, and the fire power up allows him to dash forward?
Best case scenario: Punk beats all comers, going on a Goldberg-like streak against all the top guys.
What does that have to do with being a fire and lightning wielding planeswalker, Gus?
YOU ARE THE WORST GHOST
Kinda surprised to see the word “twink” appear here, after the kerfuffle a few days ago about words we shouldn’t use. I mean, it’s harmless; but I feel like if a commentor used the word, he’d be looked down upon by some here.
…Anyway, wrestling. I’m liking Maddox more and more. But hating how Cole and King act toward him. Also, I wasn’t paying attention to the Highlight Reel at all, so I didn’t get Jericho’s Jeritron joke. He made it sound like it was there at the beginning of the segment, and then wasn’t after the cut. The whole segment was bad.
Twink is a bad word now? When did that happen?
You’d have thought With Leather would be more into bear culture.
I assumed twink was a compliment, or at the worst a way to describe something specific. Like “cougar” or whatever.
I had to Google it to make sure it meant what I thought it meant. It’s not a “bad” word, per se. But I assumed, from past discussions, that the tolerance for offensive or disrespectful words is pretty low here.
I probably shouldn’t have said anything, because I don’t really want to start a big thing. Sorry.
It may be a compliment. I couldn’t say for sure.
It can be complimentary or pejorative or neutral, depending on context. I don’t think in this case it was pejorative as much as just descriptive.
I always thought twink was like a “girlier” gay man, or even the polar opposite of a “bear”
1) PNG is not arguing out of good faith, but whatever.
2) BStro should have found another word to use. I don’t see where Maddox is a “twink”, and I think in context it wasn’t used to mean “cool dude who I like”, but was instead meant as “wormy nerd who I like for these reasons”.
3) I don’t think BStro meant to use the word “twink” and thought it through, because it doesn’t make much sense. But I get where he’s coming from and there’s a whole bunch of words that sounds like twink that could have fit in.
4) “People complain about the bad things that happen to em that they don’t deserve but they seldom mention the good. About what they done to deserve them things.”
I just meant it as a synonym for “tiny, cute boy who is in good shape.” Certainly not meant with a negative connotation. I can change it if it’s not the right word.
You don’t get to decide what my motivations are.
I was legitimately surprised to see the word, because I assumed it meant “young, fresh faced gay man” (which, in regards to Maddox, is accurate on at least two counts, but we don’t know about the third).
I felt it was worth pointing out. So I did. Brandon (and then Baudrilol) pointed out that it’s not necessarily a perjorative. That’s good enough for me.
Wait, you openly admit to arguing this out of bad faith (you practically say you’re just mentioning it to prove a point, not that you care about being righteous) and you get into a fit about it? Good job, boss. How excited were you when you thought you could use the norms we’ve tried to establish around here against Brandon?
And, yeah, Brandon, I don’t think I’ve ever seen the word “twink” used without it also referring to someone who was also a homosexual. Which isn’t bad or anything, but I don’t think Maddox is gay (and if he was I don’t think he’d even be a “twink”). I know you’re not a bad dude or anything, but I don’t think the word you used was accurate.
One love,
THESTINGER
This is worse than when Mac and Dennis tried to explain twink to Frank.
Twink is a pejorative when it’s used to connate the submissive roles stereotypically held by less masculine gay men. I appreciate the fight you guys have made against slut shaming and poor roles for women on both wrestling programs, but if striving for politically correctness then both you and Danielle have got to be more aware of how you use your gay metaphors and terminology. It’s not that this hurts my feelings, or that I find it offensive, but it’s useless to stand upt for one and mock the other, however unintentional.
Power bottom, on the other hand, could work contextually in regards to pro wrestling without confusion for other meanings, than perhaps the word twink would.
#itsalwayssunny
NOW HOLE ON A MINUTE, PLAYAS!
DO I NEED TO STEP IN AND MAKE A MATCH IN THAT VERY RING!?
HOPE NOT.
/DRIBBLES INVISIBLE BASKETBALLS
Dammit, Mack! I’ve never thought he was dribbling invisible basketballs. Now I’ll never NOT think it.
The only reason I would see twink as a pejorative in this case is because it implies that Maddox is gay. But Brandon didn’t mean it as a pejorative.
I need Punk to continue this mission to bury Paul bearer and re-imagine some of the Streak. Next week he needs to lock Undertaker’s hand in Paul Bearer’s coffin and throw punches while Taker drags it around the arena trying to get him.
Punk using the remaining time ’til Wrestlemania recreating all of Taker’s biggest feats during the Streak, a la Kurt Angle mocking Shawn Michaels, would be the Best Thing.
He could hang Seth Rollins from Hell in a Cell, decimate the Fat Dancing Guys team, and force Khali to wear an outfit of hair and fake abs before shitty-roundhouse-kicking his head off.
Yes – the first one. Mocking the streak until he becomes part of it. Priceless.
Cole and Lawler shitting on Maddox the entire time made me feel nothing but sympathy for the man. Maddox is doing well in his role as “awkward guy with POWER”, and did what he could during that abortion of a segment.
Also, Drew McIntyre deserves so much better. He really does.
I only started watching wrestling again two years ago, so the best match I’ve seen from Drew McIntyre was when he destroyed Hornswoggle. Drew is still one of my favourites though.
Mad Ox should come out next week and fire those two fucks since, you know, he might be above them on the Raw food chain*.
*does not exist
For someone who’s been watching during his whole run, he’s a weird case. They really overdid it with him when he debuted, but he eventually got really good. I’ve felt like they’ve been punishing him for their own mistakes with him (or for marrying Tiffany, I guess) for the last couple years.
Yeah, I’ve never understood the Drew burial. It mostly happened after that domestic assault stuff, right? It would make perfect sense if it was like most domestic assaults, but she attacked him if I remember right. His career has never rebounded. Makes no sense.
The way Vince, Hunter, etc seem to think, they probably think less of him because he “got beat up by a girl.” That’s probably why he hasn’t won a match on TV in years.
Last night’s show was a memorial to the death of both Paul Bearer and Twin Magic.
My Ultimate Best thing ever is that there was no new john cena/the rock material
+1 for giving John the night off
Why are we supposed to care about dead Paul Bearer when both Kane and Undertaker have kayfabe murdered him on WWE programming? I know that wasn’t “real,” but we can’t pick and choose our continuity and then complain about all the times WWE forgets things when they’re inconvenient.
Not to mention that Bill Moody is about 15 minutes older than Glen Jacobs
I like to refer to WWF Comics for that. You see, in the comic canon, Bearer is a high-ranking demon from hell who takes human form to work his mysterious and varying agendas (like his changing alliance between Kane and ‘Taker). Therefore, it’s reasonable to believe that those times he was “killed off,” he was really sent back to the hellscape, only to keep returning. This time around, he’s gone for good and not at the behest of the Undertaker or Kane, ergo making it actually sad.
In reality, it’s just super sad and I miss Paul Bearer a whole lot.
Because Paul Bearer was a cool dude, and even if you get pissed at the man in your life, you, as Undertaker and Kane, still love the guy and can forgive/be forgiven by him. Human emotion is a powerful, weird thing.
There’s quite a large gap between anger and murder. If they’re going to use his real death as an angle, they can’t then ask people to believe kayfabe stuff like them being related and the urn having mystic powers while forgetting things like the time Undertaker drowned Paul Bearer in cement.
I was thinking the same thing since last we say him, Kane implied-killed Bearer in a freezer. Well, you know know what you’ve got until it’s gone, I guess.
“Show throws Rollins into Ambrose, rolls out of the ring, then purposefully seeks out Reigns and throws him into the guardrail. . . and Show gets the win?”
YES! It has been bothering me for years whenever this happens. The refs should have more common sense. Or, at least give the refs a different personality so if this were to happen, the fans could be all like “Chioda would have never let that shit fly.”
I’m using “Chioda would have never let that shit fly” every time a ref in any real or fake sport makes a bad call.
I’m using “Chioda would have never let that shit fly.” at White Plains on the 31st and at WM the following week (copyright Thatsamare 2013, registered trademark, patent pending)
I would forgive WWE for a lot of the dumb shit they do if we could get one match per show as good as Bryan/Ziggler was last night. Am I alone in thinking it passed Cena/Punk a few weeks back as free tv match of the year so far?
It didn’t surpass Punk/Cena for me. Punk/Cena had high stakes, and Ziggler/Bryan didn’t really have any stakes other than one of them suffering yet another loss. So that hurt it. But it was still a great TV match; and you’re right, we need more of those.
Yeah, I don’t think it touched Punk/Cena. That’s about as good as a WWE match gets. Maybe with 20 more minutes and far higher stakes we’re getting there as far as comparing the two, but very good, not Punk/Cena good.
I think the fact that I was seeing something new as opposed to a matchup I’ve seen multiple times in the last year had a lot to do with it. I was mostly just shocked to have such an awesome match on raw.
I can’t believe it didn’t get mentioned, but a super special best to Harry Longbaugh for calling the DX intro re-imagining almost verbatim right before it happened. I’m not sure if Brandon noticed, but that was amazing.
Many thanks, my friend. It was a crazy moment where Sandow and my creative sensibilities overlapped like some magical Venn Diagram. Personally, I was hoping for a WL “Just Joe/inside information” badge.
Yeah, that was the only thing that happened last night where we collective broke the new rule about posting one-word exclamations. And it was 100% justified.
Give yourself a Horowitz-style pat on the back.
I only have one response to this: YOU’RE WELCOME
Trust me it wont just be you against the crowd during Ryback-Henry, Brandon. Find Ric Chair before that match and I’ll fight the good fight with you.
“Zeb is straight-up calling Sin Cara “Sin Care-a” and accusing luchadors of jumping (plancha’ing?) over the border.”
looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool!
I wonder who Zeb is going to manage after Swagger loses at WM and gets sent back to Mars.
I don’t know. Although this is the WWE, I can easily see Zeb angrily take a bite out of a burrito so he can make fun of it, only to realize what he’s been missing out on and becomes pro-burrito AND pro-Mexico.
Well, maybe Sin Cara will need a manager..
If like to see him start a new life as a coyote, smuggling Mexican wrestlers across the border for profit whilst publicly campaigning against immigration.
If they’re going to do Republican satire, the next logical step is to have him get caught in an embarrassing bit of hypocrisy.
Good guy Zeb Colter talking about why he is now pro-Mexico.
Zeb: My new AMIGO, Sin Care-a, and I were at TACO’S EL GORDO!
(Alex* Pops)
…and, wait! Before I continue with this story, have any of you ever seen Sin Care-a eat a burrito? It’s amazing, his mask never comes off..
Zeb’s eventually going to be caught in a closet with Vicki, isn’t he?
ISN’T HE?!?!?
I would die of happiness if Zeb Colter reenacts Patton Oswalt’s “hillbilly following the gay pride parade” bit.
Punk being a line stepping, despicable heel.
Kofi getting destroyed by Mark Henry
The New Age Outlaws getting destroyed by Bork Laser
A boss match between Ziggler and D-Bry
No appearance (other than a video package) from Cena or the Rock
This is as close as we’ll get to fantasy booking in real life.
I could take Rock and Cena segments for the rest of my life if they only appeared in 4 minute video packages.
+1
Aside from everything that has already been said, I just wanted to throw some love Cody’s way for that moment when Brock Lesnar’s music started up. His reaction was PERFECT for someone who’s not involved in what’s about to go down but knows just how much of a loose cannon he’s been presented at.
at = as
Harry Longbaugh got robbed.
+Robbed
Fantastic write up, I loved the stuff about Maddox. I was hoping to hear more about Ricardo and ADR’s Zeb and Swags impersonations. I thought that was actually worse then the Jericho/Miz segment. At least that segment had some random weirdness that kept me entertained.
I agree about and ADR/Ricardo segment. I saw it on Smackdown, and I kept waiting for them to do something funny. It’s sort of like a story from The Onion– the writers come up with a premise that’s sort of funny, but it’s not funny enough to sustain itself beyond the headline.
I didn’t know that premiered on Smackdown.. what kind of glue were they sniffing that they decided to run that promo again?
Good question. These days, they seem to treat every show as a rehearsal for Raw. Vince must have liked it enough to say, “Hey, people should actually *see* this, let’s put it on Raw!”
I have mixed feelings about ADR and Ricardo’s parody. I don’t like that it sinks ADR further into WWE face territory of poop jokes (if he keeps sliding we’ll see him in a pair of jorts), but I like how good ADR and Ricardo are at the impressions (a holdover from their heel times (Ricardo as Sheamus and ADR as Randy Orton are all-time classics)) and that Ricardo lead as Coulter (thus further cementing him as an important part of Del Rio’s character).
Ultimately, I’d be fine with the concept of the segment if it was handled better (it’d have been funnier if they played the dislike of Mexican food as it being too spicy rather than it will make you shit in your car) and if it lead into the more serious storyline of “We The People’s” twisted ideals and how they are dangerous if believed in mass.
Yeah, I saw it on Smackdown as well. It started off great with some good Ricardo and Del Rio just shouting “We the People” at random. It just went downhill quickly after that.
The only real problem I had with their parody was that WWE’s hispanic characters can only talk about two things; how great America is, and Mexican food. These are also the only two things they can be talked to about, as demonstrated by CM Punk, Sheamus, and Big Show.
I like the ADR/Ricardo “We The Pizza” sketch, but mostly because ADR in that wig kills me. And then I completely lose it when Ricardo starts faux-eating his chest/stomach thing.
“because THEY ARE FIELD MICE WHO SOMEHOW HAVE COMPUTERS” forever and ever and ever and ever.
2 Funny worsts:
1) Ryback: It’s absolutely hilarious that Ryback cannot do his finisher without doing the marching around animation. Even if he’s facing the hard camera.
2) Antonio Cesaro: Anyone else notice that he was tapping out before ADR locked in the arm breaker? I guess when you know you’re going to lose the next 100 weeks in a ultimately meaningless match that the audience will forget in 10 seconds after it’s over, you do stuff like that so you can get out of the arena faster.
I saw that and it makes sense to me. Locking in the arm breaker = GETTING YOUR ARM BROKE. I, for one, would rather tap out before my arm gets broken.
And Zeb Colter would tap out ten minutes before just so he doesn’t get touched by a Mexican
Ya know TheStinger, you’d be right if it was done on purpose and Cole and Lawler mentioned that. But, it wasn’t and they didn’t. Still funny though. Hell, I’d even settle for one of them pointing out he tapped before it was applied because European pussy or whatever.
In conclusion, fire Jerry Lawler.
You’re probably right, and definitely right about Jerry Lawler’s worth. I’m just going to blame Lawler’s continued employment on Obama.
TheStinger = Perfect explanation
I’m sure Cesaro DID do it on purpose. It’s just that our announcers were too bust pissing into their own mouths to, you know, tell a story or something.
Fandango and Brad Maddox should just become best friends already; Brad could be the only one who can pronounce Fandango’s name and they’re both super weird. Eventually that chick just disappears and they begin ballroom dancing with each other.
I would read this fanfic.
Speaking of which, later I’m going to check out how much Cody Rhodes/Kaitlyn fanfic’s been posted over the last couple of weeks. If the answer’s anything other than “much, much”, I’ll be sad.
Man you are hilarious! Please keep writing forever, I was gonna quote specific lines and say how great they are but there were too many. Ok fine, “breathlessly yelling about meat”. I’d like to say an extra thank you for calling Lawler out with the stupid “she had boyfriends tee-hee” lines, I was flipping a shit at that point. Thanks for pointing out all that is wrong, but also all that is right in the WWE!
I really wish they’d cut the lead up time to Wrestlemania. It’s like the week off between the conference championship games and the Super Bowl times six.
I think the fact that the WWE champion won’t even have been present for half the Road to Wrestlemania proves how unnecessarily long it is.
Yeah, the amount of time they have to kill right now is hurting my enthusiasm for the WWE. It’s the worst.
I don’t think it would be so bad if HHH, Bork, The Rock or the Undertaker were actually wrestling. 6-8 weeks of talking about how you’re the best and the other guy is gay for dolphins is an absolute worst.
It wouldn’t be that terrible if the main eventers actually showed up and did stuff. This is where nostalgia really bites you in the ass. By making semi-retired/retired wrestlers your focus, you won’t have much build leading up. It becomes season 2 of the Walking Dead.
However, all will be forgiven when Bork eventually MDK’s X Pac.
With all of these weeks leading up to Mania I keep thinking “okay Shield, you need to lose during this beat down” in an attempt to increase their odds of winning at WM. A girl can dream, can’t she?
Last night was the first time I got weirded out by Zeb Colter. It was better when he didn’t start throwing in Mexican slurs.
He was just using Jesse Ventura’s line(s) from his Superstars days.
Anyone else find themselves constantly practicing how to pronounce Fandango juuuust in case?
Constantly. :D
all the time
Remember, breathe in the “A”s.
It’s the only thing I like and ever will like about Jerry Lawler. How much he marks out for Fandango.
Snrub, I was just about to say that. Great minds thinking alike.
I’m just thrilled Curtis found a way to incorporate the creepiness of his “Let’s Get Weird” schtick into Fandango. Licking his own arm was just supreme…
At least twice per day
Don’t get hung up on the ‘n’.
I’ve played enough Smackdown vs. Raw 2011 to know the Urn allows you to collect lost souls. I think Punk just wanted to become a Ghostbuster.
Great read, Brandon. Was too busy to watch Raw this week, even on Dailymotion today, but I checked out Rhodes Scholars after what I heard. Goodness gracious me. The should never ever break up.
I muted my volume throughout the Ziggler/D-Bry match. Is it wrong that I miss heel Cole, at least he could shut Jerry up now we have to listen to that pandering laugh after every “joke”.
I think Cole is mostly laughing at how bad the jokes are. He often makes cracks about Lawler’s repetitive nature (last night Cole said that if you (the viewer) watched the app more than you’d hear the jokes there and thus Lawler wouldn’t repeat them on the main show) and his need for a laugh.
oh, you were not aware? [youtu.be]
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
YESSSSSSSSSSSSS
Can Jericho please start doing some pec work? Either he is Kofi’s white chest twin or he sleeps with an anvil on his sternum every night.
His abs looked weird too. Especially when he was leaning against the ropes during “Bradspeak”. For a second I thought they were applied by the make-up crew.
Here’s my beef, and it’s a small one. they said the winner of the Jericho/Miz match would face Barrett next week in Pittsburgh. I am going to that show thanks to 1) it being my birthday (2) a renewed interested in pro wrestling mostly thank to this site. I was hoping after last night’s DQ that I’d be seeing that triple threat match next Monday night, but after reading this column it seems that this is being set up for WM. I was a WCW guy and was looking forward to seeing Jericho, but now I’m kind of bummed. I’m sure it will be a good show, but still kind of disappointed.
The WWE is short changing their free show for a PPV and you get screwed as a result. Happy Birthday!
Don’t worry, you’ll get your match. Just, it’ll abruptly end so they can add stipulations for ‘Mania.
Dear WWE,
If you are going to do what we think you’re going to do with Taker/Punk, please go full Attitude Era.
With warm regards,
The Internet
Agree with all but the Lesnar/Gowen stuff is still much more despicable. That match disturbed the shit out of me when I first saw it, nothing in wrestling had ever affected me as much as that. I was young though.
Alrighty, Pilum it is! Also,, great report!
I would love MAD-DOX to soon pop out a british accent a la Hugh Grant and mutter “oh how terribly awkward”
Tell me I’m wrong: It’s going to be Bork vs HHH in an MMA match for control of the company.
I think they’re going that way and Trips obviously will win, proving he is the bestest, smartest, baddest man on the planet.
I hate how I don’t really have anything to add, other than “Great write-up Brandon” every week. I truly enjoy reading this every week, and hope the trolls don’t get to you too much.
Rest in Peace, Paul Bearer.. [youtu.be]
Plancha’ing across the border is going to be stuck in my head for weeks!
So I take it, then, that we’re 100% Paul Bearer’s death is not a work and he won’t magically reappear at ‘Mania to help Taker win? I’m holding out hope.
Great write-up as always, Brandon. I also yelled at Lawler like I hadn’t since his heart attack.
It’s nice to have the Bellas back right now. They’ve never been much in the ring, but their arguing sister act is usually decent-to-good. Hopefully they give Kaitlyn something to do until Layla’s heel turn.
On another note, is anyone surprised that the Bella who got work done is the one dating Cena?
Isn’t the other one dating D-Bry?
That’s what I’ve heard too.
The only reason why I loved the Kane/Halle Berry stuff is because I imagined Kane waiting in line at the movie theater for the premiere of ‘Catwoman’. He has THE BIGGEST SMILE, you guys!
The idea of Kane as the world’s biggest/only Halle Berry Catwoman fan is pretty great.
I wish it was Mark Henry vs. Skip Sheffield. “Yip yip yip” vs. “Hall of Pain.”
Skip pinning people, yelling THAT’S WHAT IT DO
I couldn’t wait for 3 pages of how awesome the Del Rio/Ricardo mock promo on Mexican food was gonna be. There’s always next week!
that’s a Smackdown promo, I’m not gonna feel compelled to talk about it just because they replayed it on Raw.
Lawler is horrible at commentating, but I laughed out loud at the end of the Fandango clip when he exclaimed “Dammit Tensai!” as Fandago walked away / fade to black. Dammit Tensai, indeed.
The fact that Lawler seems legitimately more angry about being denied Fandango than he was about Punk or Miz saying horrible things about him is wonderful.
Best part of the “You Didn’t Know” parody was Sandow still including the “‘r ass” part that Dogg won’t/can’t say on TV PG.
Also, Mark Henry is throwing kicks because he read the bit about Big Show in last week’s Best & Worst.
I spent the whole ending hoping Punk would dump the ashes on Kane or at the top of the Ramp and dance on them.
Just started following this article a few weeks ago, and it’s made my resurgence into the WWE worth it.
I agreed with what you wrote about the Kane/Halle Berry thing, but holy shit “You know how kids write to Santa Claus at the North Pole? This is the opposite of that…” killed me. God that guy needs to be in movies as comic relief.
And of course the Daniel Bryan/Ziggler match was cut out of the Hulu Plus broadcast, because why keep in the wrestling?
You know what I like? Sandow and Rhodes genuinely look like they’re having fun.
If there’s justice in the WWE they’re going to start winning matches and get the tag titles. I don’t get why they revived the division just to pull the fucking plug on it. Rhodes Scholars is a great heel team.
Maybe THIS is what The Shield is fighting for!
My thoughts on the show Monday:
On CM Punk’s heel extravaganza: Yes, I wanted Kane to murder him and burn the corpse. I look forward to cheering Taker against him at Mania. It skirted the line on taste for me, but ultimately my rational mind came down on the side that says Taker knew Paul Bearer better than any of us, and if he signed off on it then Bearer very likely would have as well. But emotionally, I’m ready for Punk’s evisceration.
And while maybe it’s good to give Kane and Daniel Bryan some space, I feel WWE really missed an opportunity tonight. In the segment where Kane was quietly holding the urn and silent with emotion, I gave every effort I could to will Daniel Bryan onto my screen. It would’ve been the most emotional and justified hug-it-out in WWE history.
My last word on the Undertaker/Kane business of the night: I’m glad Taker kept his tongue in his mouth while giving the salute this night. Whoever convinced him it was a good idea to try to lick his neck during the salute should face Mark Henry on Smackdown instead of Ryback.
I’m thinking of making facing Mark Henry my default punishment for wrestling offenders.
“Oh, you were not aware of this?” I could listen to Sandow dignify other wrestler’s catch phrases for weeks. In fact, I think I have.
[officialfan.proboards.com]
(Some of them are great, some of them are not. For those who like memes.)
I think Bryan and Kane exploding is completely off the table for Mania. Will they instead make a tag title defense? Some kind of triple threat super gimmicky match against the Outlaws and Scholars would make me happy.
Kaitlyn not getting and then subsequently laughing at “moustache you a question” hurt more than anything else in this angle with Cody.
Fandango’s diva attitude and general contempt do make him the bad guy against the dancing tag team who have done nothing wrong but don’t ascribe to your personal standards of cool, yes.
I was surprised that it escaped mention in the Jack Swagger/Sin Cara bit, but: Sin Cara is finally looking like he could be the guy they’ve always wanted him to be. On Main Event last week against Cesaro and in his match here with Swagger he was quick, precise, smooth and energetic. It didn’t last long, but he’s starting to genuinely impress instead of them insisting he’s impressive.
Nothing much else that I disagree with the report on or must elaborate on. Good show, good report, and the proper best of all bests.
Oh, one more thing! Triple H is losing at Mania. They’ve signed Brock for two more years. Triple H isn’t always the best for angles making sense (beating Punk way back at Night of Champions comes to mind) but why would you hire this unstoppable monster guy for two more years only to job him to an essentially retired wrestler? I think HHH generally understands wrestling well enough to see this as a bad idea. Even if he likes himself enough to think he should win, he’ll realize that the “greatest of all time” putting Brock over makes him that much more valuable as a character. “If he can beat Triple H, who can stop him!?”; I imagine HHH can already hear Michael Cole saying the line in his mind.
Their Wrestlemania match should play out like Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs. Ultimate Warrior.
I just finished RuPaul’s Drag Race (thanks DVR) and wanted to inform everyone that next Tuesday the LOGO network is airing a documentary about the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.
I WILL SET MY DVR TO FUN!
I’ve never really liked Triple H or DX as a whole at *any* point, but I will always mark the hell out for the New Age Outlaws, even though I’ve never even liked Billy outside of the team. Road Dogg is admittedly an all-time favorite, but they just work together perfectly. I guess the point is, you can still like them without being “down” with DX.
My weird thing is that I’ve never really cared for them as wrestlers in any capacity, but I love the NAO’s introduction.
“THAT’S NOT HIS PROPERTY!”
Oh goodness, it was worth watching the rest of the show. I can’t possibly give Punk enough +1s.
Punk should kayfabe kill Undertaker at Mania.
Michael, nit picking, I know, wouldn’t the highest form of black mail involve an exchange of loved ones for land, or something?
I love this comment.
Thank you
Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait…Die Young is about THAT?
listen to the lyrics, bro
“I hear your heart beat to the beat of the drum, oh what a shame that you came here with someone. So while you’re here in my arms, let’s make the most of the night like we’re gonna die young.” – Shamefully direct from memory.
And my impression from Ke$ha (who for some reason I love) is that she isn’t easily…um…intimidated.
right, and then there’s that line about how the magic in his pants is making her blush
To be fair, I think a version of that line is in every Ke$ha song.
Consider it a lady Nickleback lyric, but dne Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better
LTF, it’s ok to know Ke$ha lyrics.
In fact, it’s more than fine…it’s awesome.
I thought that line was meant to inform us that she is so ignorant that she considers boners to be pants magic.
FAHN-DONG-OH!
/sees self out
count me in on the maddox love fest. dude can’t talk and he wins. ALL THE TIME.
and reigns’ spears are glorious. gloriously awesome. also, big show STARTED the fight and he gets the win? jim cornette’s head exploded.
Great jorb as usual, Brandon. Two things:
First, you should know that “The first hour of Raw was pretty freaking good.” is the quickest way to break my heart when I’m reading about a RAW that aired on a night when I didn’t get my kids to bed until 10:30 and found the main event match a little disappointing (at least in the execution, I thought the psychology of it was great, but was just expecting more out of the actual match).
Second: “And furthermore, let me get this straight: I should be cheering for the fat guys in matching underwear who do The Pony and rip off their pants to studio music from 10 years ago, and I should boo the handsome, ripped guy who is good at his hobbies. Got it.”
Not to be “that guy”, but isn’t this pretty much the opposite of the argument you’re usually advancing here? The fat guys in matching underwear are essentially just two basically decent, fun-loving goofs who like to dance with children, and the ripped handsome guy is a douchebag who refuses to do his job because somebody mispronounces his name. Would you be OK with a server at a restaurant refusing to serve you because you made some minor faux pas like that? Isn’t “he seems cool, I’ll root for him!” the central problem with a lot of the WWE’s storytelling from a moral perspective right now?
I see your point, but my issue is with their sincerity. Tensai and Clay aren’t decent, fun-loving goofs. Brodus Clay was made into that character by John Laurinaitis to be an embarrassing thing. Tensai was a serious fighter until he was coaxed into wearing womens underwear, and now he loves to dance and have fun? It seems insincere. At least Fandango is forthcoming with his issues and complaints.
I think Brandon is saying complexity of character is much more appreciated than simple pandering. I’d rather have a character I need to think to understand and decide to root/boo (hate Fandango so far by the way) than someone saying “look at me I’m dancing and carefree and love kids cheer me!”
Fair enough. I’d point out that sometimes what older fans call “pandering” is just appealing to a younger demographic. I know that’s been a sore subject lately (although I think WWE’s done a better job of finding a balance between programming aimed at kids and programming aimed at adult fans lately), but it’s worth considering that not every angle and not every character is necessarily asking grownups for anything, other than patient toleration.
Oops, that was supposed to be in reply to Brandon and LastTexans above, but close enough.
I can agree to that, all about perspective. However, I think there’s a difference between Bret Hart giving his AWESOME glasses to a kid and Too Cool v.2000-kilos doing the worm and Gangnam Style.
Great write-up! I especially enjoyed the ““you ain’t NOTHIN’” insult from Michael Jackson’s ‘Bad’ video” reference. Now if only we can get FANDANGOOO to choreograph some sweet knife fight scenes.
The announce team was the WORST. If I can actually say something nice about TNA is (regardless of how horrible Taz is) at least they try to call the match & advance the storyline. I also find myself yelling EFF YOU LAWLER at the tv from the other room a lot. I wonder what my neighbors think…
For the first time in a long time it wasn’t just Lawler, Cole was just as, if not more (due to misplaced smugness and superiority) annoying. Fire them all and let Brad Maddox and CM Punk-robot take over the announce duties.
Speaking of, did anyone hear Maddox on Smackdown all night? *kisses fingers*
As much as I loathe Cole and Lawler, TNA’s announce team might be worse. Taz is indeed atrocious, Tenay has zero presence/pull as a main play-by-play person and the other person might as well not even exist. The really poor angles/storylines they have to pitch certainly doesn’t help matters.
But yeah, if it was up to me (and many others) both Cole and Lawler would be gone. Heck, crowd noise and letting wrestlers dictate storylines by what they do in the ring would be a massive, massive improvement!
Worst parts about living in Canada: can’t buy cereal like Trix or Frosted Cheerios, a lot of videos don’t play
Could anyone here let me know why, after 19 comments on wrestling recaps and articles, I still haven’t even earned a ‘Mark’ badge? I’m not sure what the qualifiers for badges are.
I was getting one for sharing and another after a couple comments. I blew through them pretty quickly.
Are your running any type of script/site blocking software in your browser?
I don’t get badge credit for any posts/shares made through my primary browser (firefox) due to some combination of the security add-ons I’m running.
Watching the Rhodes Scholars/Bella Twins segment, I love Sandow entering the scene, grabbing the water from Kaitlyn and just saying “Thank you, I’m parched.” Him and Punk need to have a douche-off at some point in their career.
I don’t get all your love for these no talent hacks who shouldn’t even have a job.
otunga, Maddox, all of 3mb especially slater. dude is the worst.
Yes. Yes he did.
Great read. I’m loving how the Punk and Taker angle is developing, though I suggest they just give Punk a microphone on the last Raw before WM and let him work his magic.