Best Possible Best: Rhodes Scholars Doing The New Age Outlaws Intro
The first hour of Raw was pretty freaking good. The best segment of Raw in a walk (and possibly the best segment all year … every bit as good as the Alberto Del Rio/Big Show beef, but for totally different reasons) started with Team Rhodes Scholars doing their version of the New Age Outlaws entrance gag. If you haven’t seen Raw yet, please, God, watch this video. It’s better than you’d even expect. Cody Rhodes doing guitar noises! “Your posterior better contact someone at once!” Taste and decency! BEST FRIENDS! Air quotes for “down.” THEY’VE GOT TWO WORDS FOR YOU: YOU’RE WELCOME. Better yet, a portion of the crowd still yelling SUCK IT because they are trained puppies.
I don’t think a tag team has ever warmed my heart as much as these guys. Anyway, out quickly to spoil the fun were Dolph Ziggler’s dad and Bob Armstrong’s laziest son! Take it away, guys!
Worst: The New Age Outlaws Doing The New Age Outlaws Intro
Right at the beginning of the match, Road Dogg starts doing his old-timey dance and points to his dick a few times. Jerry Lawler, who is almost 70 years old, starts going HEH HEH HEH, which gives way to full HAW HAW HAWs and Michael Cole yelling (YELLING) “that’s some vintage Road Dogg right there,” as if the Road Dogg was going to do even one other thing. My brain starts going, “okay, time for the New Age Outlaws to do their thing and win, because whatever,” AND THEN THIS HAPPENED.
Better Than The Best Possible Best: BROCK LESNAR AIN’T GIVE A F**K ABOUT THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS
Firstly, I’d like to point out that Rhodes Scholars f**king skedaddled, because they are smart and know what happens when Brock Lesnar’s on the stage and you don’t disappear.
Secondly, I’d like to point out how much I enjoyed watching Brock Lesnar decimate the New Age Outlaws. Combining this with the whole “attacking Shawn Michaels” thing from SummerSlam, all we need now is a broken arm for X-Pac and a triple powerbomb into residue for Hornswoggle and we’ll have the entirety of D-Generation X handled. I mean, come on, how could you cheer for these guys? Even worse, how could you STILL cheer for them? Their toughest and coolest member literally pissed his pants on Raw two weeks ago. Just urinated all over himself. That’s who you’re cheering for.
Thirdly, I love what Paul Heyman becomes when Brock Lesnar is around. With Punk, Heyman is confident, but there’s always this feeling that he’s micromanaging a bunch of issues and problems. Punk’s mouth gets them into situations or Heyman ends up in a street fight or whatever and it’s weird. With Brock, Heyman just stands next to this f**king Mech of a human being and SHOUTS about how Brock Lesnar is going to hurt people and rip arms asunder and F5 babies, because BARACCCCCCK, LLLLLESNAR. It’s so good. I know it isn’t going to happen, but if Brock gets the duke on H again at Mania I’m going to dance in circles on my chair.
Best: Kofi Kingston Is Having The Best Matches Ever
It’s time to officially retire my John Morrison hatred for Kofi Kingston. In 2013, there haven’t been many wrestlers I’ve enjoyed more than Kofi. At the Royal Rumble, his “miraculous save” spot was phenomenally stupid. He had a match with the Big Show that ended in 10 seconds when Show just casually punched him in the face. He followed that up with a match against Damien Sandow where Sandow whomped him so badly R-Truth had to rush out and pretend Sandow had done something illegal. He followed THAT up with a match against Fandango where he stood in the ring for like a minute, didn’t wrestle, then went on Twitter to apologize. And here he is on Raw, jumping jump-first into Mark Henry’s path of destruction and getting HATE THROWN with a World’s Strongest Slam. Seriously, if Kofi’s year continues the way it’s been going so far, I’ll smile and look forward to every appearance he makes.
Also, Mark Henry is throwing kicks now.
Best: This Had Better Lead To Cody Rhodes And The Bellas Double Dating With Kaitlyn And Derrick Bateman
We’re about to do a Cody Rhodes/Kaitlyn love story featuring Damien Sandow as the cool, popular friend and I am ALL FOR IT. I love that Damien Sandow is supposed to be the most cultured dude on the show and is clearly one of us. The guy talks a big game, but the only things we’ve seen him get excited for so far are the chance to nail a set of twins and a free footlong from Subway. He’s got the palate of a celebrity guest host!
I’m not a big fan of a Divas storyline revolving around who is or isn’t good enough to date “my man” or whatever, but at least Kaitlyn will be wrestling somebody again. I would give any amount of money to see Sara Del Rey in sweatpants, desperately trying to teach the six-years-of-experience Bellas how to throw a dropkick with both feet.
Additional note –
Worst: I Guess It Isn’t Hard To Tell The Bella Twins Apart Anymore
Hey Nikki, down in front.