Best: Taryn Terell (??)
The coming weeks could be leading to some sub-par wrestling and me making dismissive wanking motions at each Knockouts match, but let’s point out some positives of the newest member of the Knockouts division:
1) She has pretty hair
2) I have lovely memories of watching her match against Scarlett Bordeaux in a vegan Chinese restaurant with Brandon and Veda Scott, and every time I think about it I laugh and laugh and laugh
3) We both wear the same kind of socks to work
4) her spear is totally better than Kaitlyn’s
No, seriously. I actually enjoy when she does it. As a long time Edge fan, lover of Rhyno’s gore, and consistent giggler at the noise Kobald makes before he does his, I’m pretty finicky when it comes to spears. I think part of it is due to the fact that Gail Kim is a significantly better wrestler than anyone Kaitlyn has speared since Eve’s departure, but part of it is that every time Kaitlyn has done it recently, the legs of her opponents get all folded up underneath themselves, and she looks like she’s really hurting people, as opposed to just fake-hurting people. For the sake of being positive, let’s all bask in the warm afterglow of continuity and Bully Ray exposition, take these into account, and hope to god she picked up more tips in OVW than “Be better than Scarlett Bordeaux.”
Worst: Matt Morgan
Last week my DVR cut out the entire Joseph Park-Matt Morgan segment. It appears that he didn’t disappear forever, he just left to get his awkwardly small trunks. This match is still fairly entertaining, because Joseph Park makes my heart soar, but…geez. I know the easiest way to put someone over as a heel is to put them against a beloved babyface, but….my god. Between Matt Morgan’s “bump like a baby learning to walk” style, and his complete and utter lack of pacing, this is not good. This is not good at all.
Best: Mike Tenay
I’ve mentioned this before, but I truly believe that Mike Tenay is the last person on earth to find out that wrestling is fake. He’s SO. UPSET. ABOUT AJ STYLES. I like to think that he hates matches with career-ending stipulations, because it means he won’t get to see that person at work anymore. He thinks he and Eddie Guerrero just had a falling out and stopped texting, but is too shy to ask Chavo about it. He’s so personally offended by everything Aces & Eights stands for. Pursed-lip Mike Tenay is the very best Mike Tenay we could ask for, and he is out in full force tonight.
He’s so upset, and so worried about AJ he can barely contain it. He is standing SO CLOSE to him. I imagine he wants to go in for a relieved hug, but again, just wants to play it cool. He is positively aghast that Taz interrupts to try and recruit AJ because he’s “been dabbling in alcohol and stuff and beer.” If anyone every wants to make me happy, send me gifs of angry Mike Tenay because it amuses me to my very core.
Best: GI Joe
Sigh. I know there was an entire main event, but it wasn’t a Best for me, but it wasn’t horrid enough to be a Worst. It happened, Jeff Hardy won, and now he got a shot at the title despite already having a shot at the title because wrestling.
So let it be known that I am super duper excited for GI Joe, I look forward to the trailer each commercial break, and am even more excited for when I can rip the DVD and make a perfect cut of zero Rock and nothing but the wacky COBRA adventures of Cobra Commander and his rapscallion companion Storm Shadow. And maybe some C-Tates, because by god, I’m only human. So you can choose to click here, watch Magnus vs. Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle vs. Jeff Hardy, or you can watch this 19 second video of nothing but Cobra Commander looking cool as f-ck. Or both. I won’t judge.
So until next week, COOOOOOOOBRAAAAAAA!
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I know that Supermarket Sweep feel.
Also I heartily endorse the prospect of Kurt Angle in an Alexander & Catalano ad.
ALEXANDER & CATALANO. ARGH.
Where were you at 4 am when I was trying to remember?
ALWAYS GRAB THE GOLD HAMS!!
I feel like the Canadian Supermarket Sweep was way duller than the American version. I blame Tino Monte.
Canadian Supermarket Sweep is waaaaay better than American Supermarket Sweep. I will consider no other opinions in the matter.
I’ve done the research and UK Supermarket Sweep is clearly the best one. [www.youtube.com]
There are localized versions of Supermarket Sweep!?!?!?!? Where the eff have I been? Genuinely, this is the greatest game show of all time. I wanted so badly to be on it, but none of my friends, real or imaginary ever wanted to do it with me #sadface :(
The Heavy Hitters song is a flawless work of art.
I mentioned it on Twitter, but they totally cut out part of the Brooke/Bully confrontation on the ramp. Right before he shows her his ring, he totally mocked slapping her across the face. I remember this because I yelled “WE DON’T HIT WOMEN BULLY!” and the little boy in front of me got really scared that Bully actually hit Brooke and I had to assure him that he only pretended to.
So best for cutting out implied domestic violence?
Oh, jeepers, yes. Definite Best.
That poor kid.
I sooo wanted Bully to sneak up and sweep Brooke off her feet. Yes, I get that its wrong, but it seems like such an uber-heel move to do that and say “Hi honey! Why havent you returned my calls?” Then laugh maniacally.
That… Was a good show, as well as a good column. Huh. Maybe their creative is reading?
Man, I hate reading these recaps for one reason: Jeff Hardy. Remember when we all used to love Jeff? Remember how even through his drug-addled haze, we stuck with him? Remember how he got weird and started thinking he would be a rockstar/aluminum welder/face painter/artist, and we still shrugged it off? We forgave. We still loved the Swanton, as it was one of the most beautiful things in underpants-punchy-sports.
But the INSTANT he opens his mouth, I want to cry and mute everything. He’s so terrible, it’s hysterical. One thing I would never want to say about Jeff hardy: “He is terrible”. But as soon as you give him a mic, ho-lee shit. Ugh.
Also:
- I agree with Danielle on Bully Ray not yelling, as it conveys a point.
-Cobra Commander was on a hovercraft called a Water Moccasin, a toy I had when I was like, 5. FUCK YEAH. That was almost 30 years ago. FUCK NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooo.
-That lady almost fainting was glorious.
-WTF DO YOU MEAN THE CHEESE AND MEAT WAS FAKE
Cellino & Barnes/Injury Attorneys/800-621-2020
That will be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Awesome
Welcome to my life, bro. If it’s not a Buffalo personal injury lawyer, it’s the iTravel 2000 jingle. If you haven’t heard it, believe me, you are better off with Cellino & Barnes.
I live in Queens, an actual, incorporated part of New York and I get the C&B commercial all the time, I think they managed to pull off a chain of law offices. However, instead of iTravel, I get commercials for Uncle Majic the Hip Hop Magician. I feel like that would make a pretty good gimmick somewhere.
Uncle Majic the Hip Hop Magician? Tradesies. Please.
YouTube him and ask yourself if that’s the type of person you want in your life.
Do you also get the Carmel Auto doo-wop commercials, Ric?
Oh yes I do, with their devil phone number 666-6666. Deep down I secretly love local cable commercials, especially the ones from NYC. I specifically remember a car wash ad featuring a trio of rappers going on about the processes of car washing.
Also, if anyone else from the New York metro area is reading, the best local ad on TV right now is Silver Star Limo. If you don’t groove to that beat, just give up.
Univer-Soul Circus fascinates me to no end. As does the one where everyone wants to meet Rufus, the dog that sniffs out bedbugs.
Funny thing about Rufus the Bedbug Sniffing Dog, I remember seeing that commercial and thinking “boy, they’re fucked when that dog eventually dies”, then I find out they train dogs to sniff out bedbugs and they cost around 10 Gs. Local ads blow my mind sometimes.
I feel like TNA has turned a corner and seems a bit like WWF right before WCW folded. Better (and more) wrestling, less relentless promotion of whatever event is coming up, less celebrity wrestlers, and better announcers. He has been on for over a decade and I still don’t understand what the point of Michael Cole is.
Great as always, thank you for making me feel better about watching Impact every week!
Why does it say Written by Brandon Stroud when a Blonde Female Non-Vegan Canadian (? You are Canadian, yes?) is different than a Red-Head/Ginger Male Vegan American?
Because sometimes Brandon forgets and I don’t notice!
And yes! Currently pink-haired and Canadian.
What she said. But for the record, I am NOT a ginger. I have freckles, sure, but only on my arms, and I have dark eyes and brown hair. My beard gets kinda red in the sunlight, but that’s as far as it goes.
For a second I thought Taryn Terrell wrestled Scarlett Bordeaux inside of a Vegan Chinese Restaurant.
The only reason why I clicked on the video is b/c I thought they were wrestling in a Vegan Chinese restaurant. I was very disappointed when I saw they weren’t.
Me too. Talk about a Supermarket Sweep moment,
Whovian theory as to your problems with Hernandez tattoo: It is a Silent, and you forget all about it when you aren’t looking at it.
I’d also way rather have excited Jeff Hardy fans than indifferent crowd of douchebaggery.
Wow, those videos of Bully Ray were fantastic. That was some excellent story-telling.
He and Brooke didn’t get married, right? Because even though wrestling is fake (except to Mike Tenay), even they acknowledge how badly men get taken to the cleaners in divorces. With what Bully Ray did to Brooke, I can’t imagine how badly he’d lose in a divorce.
Excellent B&W.
In the X division video package, isn’t it counterproductive to have clips of Samoa Joe in it if they’re re-instituting the 230 lb weight limit? I also immediately thought of Steiner math when I saw the 33.3% chance of winning the match stat.
Hey that reminds me, whatever happened to Amazing Red?
Last I remember he was future endeavored and stuck wrestling smaller shows. Since TNA will need relatively experienced x-division guys to make this evolution work I wouldn’t be surprised if he was brought back Sanjay Dutt style.
I am also super excited about GI Joe Retaliation. The first one sucks, but I have so much hope for the sequel. They actually look like GI Joes now, costuming is important damn it!
I give TNA’s creative team and Bully Ray’s delivery a ton of credit for the video packages that explain the storyline so far to make it all seem good. If the story has a definitive ending that is satisfying I will actually believe that their creative team and company direction has improved. But if we are still dealing with the Aces & 8′s invasion a year from now in another copy of the nWo that doesn’t know how to end, or even worse if the solution is to have Hogan or Sting save the day by winning the TNA title and vanquishing the bad guys…then it will just have been the same old TNA.
Mike Tenay looks so old and tired ::(
I wish WWE would do a long, developed storyline like this. But they’d probably panic/get bored with it, randomly drop it, then come back 6 months later and say Hornswaggle did it
Brooke Hogan: Higher Power is still in play. Presumably they’re waiting for the inevitable Bully vs Hulk Hogan (or HH surrogate) match for her to do her awkward walk down to the ring and cheat on Bully’s behalf.
Don’t fret over Joseph Park. Good always triumphs over evil in the wrestling world, and nothing is more evil than the continued employment of Matt Morgan on a televised wrestling program.
If only TNA could produce a face I care about other than Joseph Park, whom, while the best thing ever, doesn’t really fit the main event star profile. Even going the WWE route and making their faces unlikable jerkbags would be better than the IDGAF All-Stars, because at least WWE makes me care enough to root against their heroes.
If TNA truly cares about my personal happiness, they’ll turn Wes Brisco face and give him the world title immediately because that would be the most amazingly, awesomely terrible thing ever.
Man, I can’t even read an article about freaking TNA without someone whining about The Rock on this site. So done with Best and Worst.
Dissenting opinions about one thing are TOTALLY worth giving up on something completely!
I just watched that OVW match you linked to Taryn Terrel can already run the ropes WAY better than Kelly Kelly ever could.
These writeups might be the only thing that gets me into Impact Wrestling (or, as I call it, “Thursday Wrestling,”) because I’ve tried to watch it but I just am not getting into it yet. But writeup good! Hence, an existential dillema. Surely Thursday Wrestling is the world’s richest vein of Inappropriate Wrestledad Theater, so maybe I’ll find it more absorbing in time.
I share the same issue. WWE gives me severe wrestling overkill on a weekly basis. It’s time I let another company give me severe wrestling overkill!
Honestly, they may have a better talent pool right now than WWE, and I’m saying this as someone who’s unfollowed TNA a million times in the past. Austin Aries may be the best thing in wrestling today, Christopher Daniels is killing it, Roode and Kaz aren’t to flipping bad either, and they just pulled off the longest planeed storyline I can remember in wrestling. Sting mught have just had his best match since WCW with The Greatest Man That Ever Lived, and we haven’t even mentioned the World Champion, Bully Ray, who has found a gear I never even knew he had. All that, and I haven’t even mentioned AJ Styles doing a weird twist on Crow Sting, Samoa Joe, Kurt Angle, Joseph Park, Kenny King, a decent women’s division, and Mr Eric Young. I’m hoping Dave Lagana had a lot to do with booking lately, casue I like him, but whoever it is is finaly making TNA not just watchable, but better than WWE right now.