Worst: My Hernandez Memento
So, you know how occasionally I will confess things in this column? Like how long it took me to realize that Austin Aries’ shirt was two As, and not just weird ugly triangles, or how I operated under the assumption that all of the cheese and meat on Supermarket Sweep was real until a few months ago? I’m not a dumb lady by any means, but my memory for Hernandez’s tattoos is apparently the worst. I don’t ever forget his terrible “Hernandez” back tattoo, because Jesus Christ that thing is awful, but watching the Chavandez-Mecha Shiva match last night, I was completely baffled by his chest tattoo. I don’t know what it is, but it’s like I’m seeing it for the first time. And I feel like this has happened before. So I’m going to document this here for the next time, because I’ll be damned if I’m tattooing Hernandez’s wretched Superman tattoo on my arm to remember. Besides, I’m running out of room what with my previous tattoos, the proper spelling of Todd Keneley’s last name, and “Lenny = White, Carl = Black.”
Best: Oh haaaay, it’s Bad Influence!
Hey guys! Nice to see you! I’m glad you remembered that I wish all of my favourites could be friends.
Worst: Oh…
You’re not friends.
Dang.
Worst: If I hadn’t seen such riches, I could live with Christian York
Criminy! That X-Division package. Oh, that gives me feelings. Remember when the X-Division was just about the best thing? I do. The only reason I ever got into TNA was because of the X-Division. Most of the TNA DVDs I own are specifically for X-Division matches, or are entirely X-Division-centric. So you’ll understand that when I get really down about the current state of things, it’s because I know and loved what it once was, and this is literally the worst it’s ever been. Just the worst.
Best, worst, maybe sort of?: The X-Division Evolution
The “Evolution” is explained thusly:
All X-Division championship matches will now be held under triple threat rules. The champion will have two challengers at the same time and has a thirty-three percent chance of retaining the title and runs the risk of losing the title without being pinned. The high-stakes title match has consequences for the challengers as well. The wrestler pinned in the X-Division championship match is eliminated from a future title match while the wrestler who isn’t involved in the decision gets to compete in the next X-Division title match. So where will the next contender come from?
New contenders will be also decided via a Triple Threat match. Fresh faces, former champions or recently eliminated contenders all will battle with one winner advancing into the next X-Division title match. (via impactwrestling.com)
Huh. Okay. I guess that sounds neat. The good news is they’re forced to bring in additional people, because otherwise it’ll be the same matches we’ve been seeing for weeks, but every single one a title shot. While TNA has a terrible history when it comes to finances, if they are still paying per-appearance, it could end up being a really great showcase for a lot of up and coming talent while putting a little bit of extra money in some independent wrestler’s pockets. The bad news is TNA is horrid when it comes to finances, and it could be too much risk for little reward. But, we shall see. For now, I will take my Kenny King promos and memories of once was, and look to the future with tentative optimism.
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I know that Supermarket Sweep feel.
Also I heartily endorse the prospect of Kurt Angle in an Alexander & Catalano ad.
ALEXANDER & CATALANO. ARGH.
Where were you at 4 am when I was trying to remember?
ALWAYS GRAB THE GOLD HAMS!!
I feel like the Canadian Supermarket Sweep was way duller than the American version. I blame Tino Monte.
Canadian Supermarket Sweep is waaaaay better than American Supermarket Sweep. I will consider no other opinions in the matter.
I’ve done the research and UK Supermarket Sweep is clearly the best one. [www.youtube.com]
There are localized versions of Supermarket Sweep!?!?!?!? Where the eff have I been? Genuinely, this is the greatest game show of all time. I wanted so badly to be on it, but none of my friends, real or imaginary ever wanted to do it with me #sadface :(
The Heavy Hitters song is a flawless work of art.
I mentioned it on Twitter, but they totally cut out part of the Brooke/Bully confrontation on the ramp. Right before he shows her his ring, he totally mocked slapping her across the face. I remember this because I yelled “WE DON’T HIT WOMEN BULLY!” and the little boy in front of me got really scared that Bully actually hit Brooke and I had to assure him that he only pretended to.
So best for cutting out implied domestic violence?
Oh, jeepers, yes. Definite Best.
That poor kid.
I sooo wanted Bully to sneak up and sweep Brooke off her feet. Yes, I get that its wrong, but it seems like such an uber-heel move to do that and say “Hi honey! Why havent you returned my calls?” Then laugh maniacally.
That… Was a good show, as well as a good column. Huh. Maybe their creative is reading?
Man, I hate reading these recaps for one reason: Jeff Hardy. Remember when we all used to love Jeff? Remember how even through his drug-addled haze, we stuck with him? Remember how he got weird and started thinking he would be a rockstar/aluminum welder/face painter/artist, and we still shrugged it off? We forgave. We still loved the Swanton, as it was one of the most beautiful things in underpants-punchy-sports.
But the INSTANT he opens his mouth, I want to cry and mute everything. He’s so terrible, it’s hysterical. One thing I would never want to say about Jeff hardy: “He is terrible”. But as soon as you give him a mic, ho-lee shit. Ugh.
Also:
- I agree with Danielle on Bully Ray not yelling, as it conveys a point.
-Cobra Commander was on a hovercraft called a Water Moccasin, a toy I had when I was like, 5. FUCK YEAH. That was almost 30 years ago. FUCK NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooo.
-That lady almost fainting was glorious.
-WTF DO YOU MEAN THE CHEESE AND MEAT WAS FAKE
Cellino & Barnes/Injury Attorneys/800-621-2020
That will be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Awesome
Welcome to my life, bro. If it’s not a Buffalo personal injury lawyer, it’s the iTravel 2000 jingle. If you haven’t heard it, believe me, you are better off with Cellino & Barnes.
I live in Queens, an actual, incorporated part of New York and I get the C&B commercial all the time, I think they managed to pull off a chain of law offices. However, instead of iTravel, I get commercials for Uncle Majic the Hip Hop Magician. I feel like that would make a pretty good gimmick somewhere.
Uncle Majic the Hip Hop Magician? Tradesies. Please.
YouTube him and ask yourself if that’s the type of person you want in your life.
Do you also get the Carmel Auto doo-wop commercials, Ric?
Oh yes I do, with their devil phone number 666-6666. Deep down I secretly love local cable commercials, especially the ones from NYC. I specifically remember a car wash ad featuring a trio of rappers going on about the processes of car washing.
Also, if anyone else from the New York metro area is reading, the best local ad on TV right now is Silver Star Limo. If you don’t groove to that beat, just give up.
Univer-Soul Circus fascinates me to no end. As does the one where everyone wants to meet Rufus, the dog that sniffs out bedbugs.
Funny thing about Rufus the Bedbug Sniffing Dog, I remember seeing that commercial and thinking “boy, they’re fucked when that dog eventually dies”, then I find out they train dogs to sniff out bedbugs and they cost around 10 Gs. Local ads blow my mind sometimes.
I feel like TNA has turned a corner and seems a bit like WWF right before WCW folded. Better (and more) wrestling, less relentless promotion of whatever event is coming up, less celebrity wrestlers, and better announcers. He has been on for over a decade and I still don’t understand what the point of Michael Cole is.
Great as always, thank you for making me feel better about watching Impact every week!
Why does it say Written by Brandon Stroud when a Blonde Female Non-Vegan Canadian (? You are Canadian, yes?) is different than a Red-Head/Ginger Male Vegan American?
Because sometimes Brandon forgets and I don’t notice!
And yes! Currently pink-haired and Canadian.
What she said. But for the record, I am NOT a ginger. I have freckles, sure, but only on my arms, and I have dark eyes and brown hair. My beard gets kinda red in the sunlight, but that’s as far as it goes.
For a second I thought Taryn Terrell wrestled Scarlett Bordeaux inside of a Vegan Chinese Restaurant.
The only reason why I clicked on the video is b/c I thought they were wrestling in a Vegan Chinese restaurant. I was very disappointed when I saw they weren’t.
Me too. Talk about a Supermarket Sweep moment,
Whovian theory as to your problems with Hernandez tattoo: It is a Silent, and you forget all about it when you aren’t looking at it.
I’d also way rather have excited Jeff Hardy fans than indifferent crowd of douchebaggery.
Wow, those videos of Bully Ray were fantastic. That was some excellent story-telling.
He and Brooke didn’t get married, right? Because even though wrestling is fake (except to Mike Tenay), even they acknowledge how badly men get taken to the cleaners in divorces. With what Bully Ray did to Brooke, I can’t imagine how badly he’d lose in a divorce.
Excellent B&W.
In the X division video package, isn’t it counterproductive to have clips of Samoa Joe in it if they’re re-instituting the 230 lb weight limit? I also immediately thought of Steiner math when I saw the 33.3% chance of winning the match stat.
Hey that reminds me, whatever happened to Amazing Red?
Last I remember he was future endeavored and stuck wrestling smaller shows. Since TNA will need relatively experienced x-division guys to make this evolution work I wouldn’t be surprised if he was brought back Sanjay Dutt style.
I am also super excited about GI Joe Retaliation. The first one sucks, but I have so much hope for the sequel. They actually look like GI Joes now, costuming is important damn it!
I give TNA’s creative team and Bully Ray’s delivery a ton of credit for the video packages that explain the storyline so far to make it all seem good. If the story has a definitive ending that is satisfying I will actually believe that their creative team and company direction has improved. But if we are still dealing with the Aces & 8′s invasion a year from now in another copy of the nWo that doesn’t know how to end, or even worse if the solution is to have Hogan or Sting save the day by winning the TNA title and vanquishing the bad guys…then it will just have been the same old TNA.
Mike Tenay looks so old and tired ::(
I wish WWE would do a long, developed storyline like this. But they’d probably panic/get bored with it, randomly drop it, then come back 6 months later and say Hornswaggle did it
Brooke Hogan: Higher Power is still in play. Presumably they’re waiting for the inevitable Bully vs Hulk Hogan (or HH surrogate) match for her to do her awkward walk down to the ring and cheat on Bully’s behalf.
Don’t fret over Joseph Park. Good always triumphs over evil in the wrestling world, and nothing is more evil than the continued employment of Matt Morgan on a televised wrestling program.
If only TNA could produce a face I care about other than Joseph Park, whom, while the best thing ever, doesn’t really fit the main event star profile. Even going the WWE route and making their faces unlikable jerkbags would be better than the IDGAF All-Stars, because at least WWE makes me care enough to root against their heroes.
If TNA truly cares about my personal happiness, they’ll turn Wes Brisco face and give him the world title immediately because that would be the most amazingly, awesomely terrible thing ever.
Man, I can’t even read an article about freaking TNA without someone whining about The Rock on this site. So done with Best and Worst.
Dissenting opinions about one thing are TOTALLY worth giving up on something completely!
I just watched that OVW match you linked to Taryn Terrel can already run the ropes WAY better than Kelly Kelly ever could.
These writeups might be the only thing that gets me into Impact Wrestling (or, as I call it, “Thursday Wrestling,”) because I’ve tried to watch it but I just am not getting into it yet. But writeup good! Hence, an existential dillema. Surely Thursday Wrestling is the world’s richest vein of Inappropriate Wrestledad Theater, so maybe I’ll find it more absorbing in time.
I share the same issue. WWE gives me severe wrestling overkill on a weekly basis. It’s time I let another company give me severe wrestling overkill!
Honestly, they may have a better talent pool right now than WWE, and I’m saying this as someone who’s unfollowed TNA a million times in the past. Austin Aries may be the best thing in wrestling today, Christopher Daniels is killing it, Roode and Kaz aren’t to flipping bad either, and they just pulled off the longest planeed storyline I can remember in wrestling. Sting mught have just had his best match since WCW with The Greatest Man That Ever Lived, and we haven’t even mentioned the World Champion, Bully Ray, who has found a gear I never even knew he had. All that, and I haven’t even mentioned AJ Styles doing a weird twist on Crow Sting, Samoa Joe, Kurt Angle, Joseph Park, Kenny King, a decent women’s division, and Mr Eric Young. I’m hoping Dave Lagana had a lot to do with booking lately, casue I like him, but whoever it is is finaly making TNA not just watchable, but better than WWE right now.